The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Baroness Warsi Calls The Kettle Black.

Baroness Warsi has criticised Len McCluskey for calling for civil disobedience during the forthcoming Olympic Games and described him as "selfish." We asked the most idiotic and schizophrenic member of the Tory party to expand on her comments; "That evil man is calling for ordinary working people to defend themselves against out wholly inappropriate campaign to make them pay for the banking crisis by spoiling our Olympic Games. The Games represent our best chance of presenting Britain as a wonderful paradise to the rest of the world and to showcase the brilliance of our economic policies. Millions of people have been looking forward to the event, especially the wealthy bankers, businessmen and politicians who are going to get free tickets courtesy of the taxpayer. Even some ordinary peasants, though they'll never get a chance to see any of the events themselves, are eager to celebrate this jamboree for the wealthy and are on our side on the basis that its sport and, therefore, takes precedence over anything else. Len McCluskey is not a real Englishman like me and should be burned at the stake for daring to show us up for the nasty bunch of narrow-minded fascists we are."

Cameron Refuses Petition To Debate The NHS Bill.

David Cameron, desperate to avoid any more "unpleasantness" about the NHS, has disallowed a petition to discuss the NHS Reform Bill on the basis that "it's been debated enough." We asked the world's most stupid political leader to explain why; "Why? Because I could well lose it for a start off and, even if I can corale enough craven MP's to support it, they might bring up something about the bill that I don't want ordinary people to know. We are not trying to privatise the NHS - we've already effectively done that - we are merely trying to introduce a measure of competition so we can glum as much money out of it for ourselves and our mates as we can. I'm sick of talking about this bloody bill when all that lovely money is going to waste on the old and the sick."

Murdoch Singles Out Benefit Fraudsters.

Rupert Murdoch, the dishonest, dishonourable, despicable and multi-millionaire owner of the disgusting News International that thinks nothing of hacking into a murdered girl's mobile phone, has mounted a campain against benefit fraud in his tabloid for morons, the "Sun." "Benefit fraud costs the country £1.2 billion a year" it screams hysterically, ignoring completely that illegal tax evasion costs ten times a smuch. It was even able to dig out a picture of a benefit cheating lap dancer to go with its famous Page 3 girl. Warming to their subject the "Sun" then reiterated Ian Duncan Smith's call for people to take "a note of the hotline number and keep us informed if you suspect anyone of committing fraud," in a chilling reminder of Nazi Germany where neighbours were encoraged to spy on each other. Meanwhile his son James, who is either a liar and a criminal or stupendously incompetent, has stepped down as chairman of News International one step ahead, as usual, of the law. Why would anyone wish to listen to a pair of spivs and conmen like these?

Tuesday, 28 February 2012

George Osbornes Runs Out Of Ideas.

In a shocking admission of complete ineptitude George Osborne has told the "Telegraph" that he has run out of money and out of ideas. We asked the only state sponsored moron in the world for an explaination; "Well its not difficult to run out of ideas when you only actually have one that is so obviously idiotic that only a Tory could believe it. It seemed like a good idea to cut spending in the same way that an ordinary household does in times of hardship. It never occured to me that an ordinary householder wouldn't also throw his own children out of work, give away all his possessions and then resign his own job while, at the same time, subsidising his unmeployed kids, buying back the things he gave away and financing his unaltered lifestyle on his credit card. It never dawned on me that throwing everyone out of work would reduce income from taxes while, at the same time, increasing expenditure on benefits. Now there's no money left and I can't stimulate the economy even if I wanted to. Still, at least I can take solace in the knowledge that it was all Labour's fault."

Monday, 27 February 2012

Liam Fox Calls On Cameron To Curtail Workers Rights.

Liam Fox, the disgraced former Secretary of State for Defence who was involved in some very murky dealings with some very murky people, has called on David Cameron to axe other people's rights at work. "I was guilty of nothing," he told our reporter. "Or at least guilty of nothing that anyone could prove. I have taken the principled stand that working people, who were also not guilty of any crime, should be made to pay for the gross misjudgements of bankers by having their rights at work taken off them. This makes perfect sense when you realise that business has to make up for a lot of lost ground after it proved completely incompetent in the recent past. We in the Tory instantly recognised that this was our chance to inflict as much damage as possible on working-class scum who are guilty of not being rich enough or being as devious as we are. We need to make rich people richer by giving them tax cuts while, at the same time deregulating business to release its pent up potential for sheer criminality. The peasantry, on the other hand, need to be shown who their masters actually are and removing their ability to protest is a valuable first step. If David Cameron does as I advise he could be lighting his cigars with Magna Carta by next week."

Sunday, 26 February 2012

Tories Put Somalia In The Crosshairs.

After two decades of being completely ignored by Britain and the rest of the world, Somalia has suddenly risen to the top of the political agenda. Following a surprise visit to the country by William Hague who announced that there now existed an historical opportunity to "rebuild the country," David Cameron hosted an international conference that issued both dire warnings about the spread of terrorism and suggested that something might yet be done to head off the suddenly dangerous threat Somalia represented. What wasn't fanfared quite so loudly was the behind the scenes negotiations with Somali "officials" from a country without a functioning government about exploiting the newly discovered oil reserves there. While the mysterious Somali "officials" were confident that Britain could "help us build our capacity to maximise future earnings from the oil industry," Cameron and Hague were pointing out that occupying the country would be a relatively easy and inexpensive exercise. Meanwhile Abdulkadir Abdi Hashi, minister for international cooperation in Puntland, a place unheard of since the time of the Egyptian Pharoes, said; "We need those with the necessary technical knowhow, we plan to talk to BP at the right time." BP immediately sprang into action to deny they had any plans for operations in Somalia and, instead, revealed plans to "support job-creation projects in the coastal regions of Somalia." Presumably the oil giant is hoping to encourage local "entrepreneurs" to create new businesses that are not exclusively based on the ownership of kalashnikovs.

Tory Propaganda In Full Swing.

With the NHS controvery threatening to bring the Tories crashing down and their welfare to work scheme being revealed for the scam it always was, the Tory party propaganda aparatus in anticipation of the Budget has shifted gear. In an opening salvo today the 36 Tory MP's who form the Free Enterprise Group have demanded tax cuts to business and the higher paid together with even more swinging cuts to the welfare state. Meanwhile the "Telegraph" has today accused those who oppose the welfare to work scam as being nothing more than "rent-a-mob." Presumably it doesn't believe that ordinary British people could possibly object to their children being treated like slaves, or to private companies stealing taxpayers money to fund their entitlement culture surrounding "bonuses." We are all back in the 1970's, the "Telegraph" sneers, back to a time when business had rules to abide by, banks were regulated, newspapers were yet to benefit from the rise of mobile telephones and governments still governed rather than abrogating their responsibilities to hand over the running of the country to the greedy, selfish and plain stupid. Back to the 1970's? We should be so lucky.

Private Enterprise Moves In For The Kill.

As the great Tory masterplan moves into high gear, the picture of what Britain will look in the near future is not pretty. Having seen how private enterprise under the stimulus of neoliberal principles has brought the world to the edge of destruction, the Tories have decided that we all need more of it and that previous mistakes should be paid for by the victims. Bring on the heroes of business, the multinationals and the home grown spivs and conmen eager to cash in on the dismantling of our last remaining public services. The NHS is already well on its way to being carved up by various healthcare vultures, eager to empty our pockets for basic services and force us into debt to pay for clinical interventions that are, at the moment, free at the point of use. But, while this case of asset stripping by the grasping Tories has generated a huge amount of adverse publicity, they honestly believed they'd won the welfare debate by the simple expedient of labelling the unemployed and disabled as "scroungers." They ran into trouble only when young people were being forced into unpaid labour - slavery by any measure - and many of those young people happened to be the children of Tory voters. Someone prised the lid off this despicable and cynical attempt to force our children into a humiliating servitude and the stench of corruption has now filled the air. The cracks began to show when A4e was awarded yet more government contracts after a dismal showing in the welfare to work scam and the owner of this useless business, Emma Harrison, was appointed to be Cameron's "Family Champion." A4e was already under investigation for fraud, while disquiet began to rise when Emma Harrison pocketed over £8 million of taxpayers money for a business that had failed utterly to meet any of its targets. Then it was discovered that Emma was also diverting yet more money from her company into her private bank account for renting her home as a conference venue to her own company. Now, it has emerged, vouchers intended to provide interview clothing for the unemployed, have been diverted to A4e employees as pert of a "bonus scheme." Out and out theft in other words. Now comes news that the fast food giant McDonalds has been given £10 million of our money for apprenticeships without actually creating one single new job. Instead the money was diverted by the company into "career progression" for already existing employees. The Tories have opened the public coffers for their corporate mates and they are busily engaged in shovelling as much money as they can into their bank accounts. Britian is not being sold, it is being stolen from us in the greatest smash and grab raid of all time.

Saturday, 25 February 2012

Cameron Still Lying During PMQT.

Having been revealed as an outright liar during previous Prime Minister's Question Times, David Cameron has decided to press on with what he obviously sees as a legitimate tactic. This time the porkies involved cut backs in the police which, the Prime Minister claimed, has actually led to more policemen rather than less. Explaining how reducing the amount of money avaialble to the police could possibly increase their numbers was not made entirely clear, but he stuck to his line no matter how many times he was asked. Trying to redress the balance as politely as he could, the Labour MP shadowing the policing brief, David Hanson, called on the speaker to to arrange for a copy of the report "Adapting to Austerity" that shows the true picture to be presented to MPs. "I would not wish the House to be inadvertently misled by the prime minister's comments today," Hanson said. We asked the Prime Minister for his side of things; "I was astounded to find how easy it is to lie when cornered during PMQT - and how easy it is to get away with it. It's brilliant! I stand there telling some real whoppers and the BBC report it as if I know what I'm talking about. Better yet the electorate, despite the evidence of their own eyes, believe me! I mean, you couldn't make it up could you? Well you couldn't, but I can apparently."

Slavery Not As Popular As Tories Hoped.

Tories were reeling today as it has become increasingly clear that slavery is not as popular in Britain as they had hoped. Companies, who had previously agreed that slavery was a good idea and wondered why no one had thought about it before, have been withdrawing from the scheme in droves as customers have made their feelings plain. Meanwhile Avanta, a major contractor in the "welfare to work" scam, has been forcing young unemployed people, many of them with degrees, to clean the houses of wealthy customers in Sussex. Claiming that "Our approach is to work closely with our customers to understand the type of job that they are looking for and create a personalised package of support that will enable them to get a job with long-term prospects," they were at a loss to explain why a student with a degree in Biotechnology was cleaning the managing director's house. Evidence has also been building that using "free labour" is actually causing a shortage of paid work as employers cash in. We asked Chris Grayling, Minister for Torturing the Unemployed, for his view; "There is nothing wrong with unpaid work as long as its Labour voting, working-class scum who are doing it. Where our problem has arisen, I think, is that we've inadvertantly included the children of Tory voters in the scheme and we'll have to do something about that. As for the Biotechnology graduate you mentioned, his problem is that he's foolishly believed that he can better himself when, in reality, he's still just a peasant and needs to understand that. We do have a shortage of skilled, well-educated workers in this country, but that's what foreigners are for - with the added bonus that they tend to come cheaper. And I would also like to take issue with this idea that the scheme is mandatory. It's not. It is entirely voluntary. The problem arises, I believe, when young people find out they've actually signed up for several weeks of polishing rich people's nicknacks for companies who donate to the Tory party, instead of real work experience. Of course we then have no choice but to shut them up by threatening to take their benefits off them for 26 weeks. We think that is only fair given the fact that they have signed a contract that is actually more binding than your average run-of-the-mill contract of employment."

Friday, 24 February 2012

Ian Duncan Smith Re-Writes History.

Having sent out his minions to claim that his "welfare to work" programme is entirely voluntary, Ian Duncan Smith has had a busy week calling in all the letters he sent to jobcentres and welfare offices that made it clear that forcing the unemployed to work for nothing was mandatory. Having been caught telling bare-faced lies IDS has decided, in effect, to re-write history to get his despicable policies, and himself, off the hook. We asked IDS for an explaination; "Well obviously I couldn't admit that I was forcing people to work for nothing so I had no choice but to lie. Once I'd done that it was only a matter of time before someone dug out the letters and proved that I was lying. What to do? Simple, call in all the letters, change the wording and then stand around with my hands in my pockets whistling loudly and trying to look innocent. Unfortunately I forgot about the world wide web where earlier versions of my letters were not only freely available but also cached so they couldn't be changed. Now I had a real quandry and had to think fast. I asked David if he couldn't start a small war somewhere to divert attention but George Osborne vetoed that on the grounds that it would be too expensive. That's when I found out that a veto actually stops something from happening. Well, after David's use of the "veto" over Europe you could have knocked me down with a feather! My next idea was to start a country-wide epidemic of something really nasty, but Andrew Lansley vetoed that on the basis that it might upset his plans to privatise the NHS. So I had no choice. As of tomorrow the web will be banned in Britain and anyone found calling me a liar will be hung, drawn and quartered."

Upside Down In The Looking-Glass Tory World.

When the Tories were helped over the final obstacle to power - the fact that they hadn't won the election - by a starstuck LibDem party, David Cameron set about the task of filling the cabinet office with greatest number of dingbats, the mentally subnormal, religious maniacs and the downright evil that he could find. The result was Andrew Lansley, suicidally arrogant, as Minister for Health, George Osborne, who couldn't find his arse with both hands, as Chancellor of the Exchequer, Baroness Warsi, who longs to be English, male and Christian, as party Chairman and Ian Duncan Smith, who would have done sterling service at Aushwitz, as Minister for Work and Pensions. Other members of this freakshow included Michael Gove, who believes the King James Bibile can cure failing schools, Thersa May, who regards porous national borders as "unfortunate" (at least for her) and Chris Grayling who doesn't believe that unpaid work under compulsion is actually slavery. Having assembled this unattractive crew whose only reaction to anything is knee-jerk, Cameron then set about turning the world on its head. "Capitalism is out of control," he told the electorate and then turned on the poor to bail out the wealthy. "The NHS is safe in our hands," he assured us and then tried to flog it off to his mates. "Britain will remain strong," he sternly warned the rest of the world and then sacked almost the entire armed forces. "We must get Britain working," he reassured us, then sacked everyone else. Now, today, we have yet more examples of "Cameron in Wonderland," with Lloyds TSB still handing out eye-watering bonuses despite stupendous loses and a collapse of its share price, HMRC targetting market traders while ignoring the billions being glumbed out of Britain by the likes of Goldman Sachs and the "Telegraph" calling for more privatisation of the public sector because they help to expose fraud! Upside down, through the looking glass, down the rabbit hole - all are descriptions that fit Britain today, while we all tuck into our gruel and humble pie at the behest of the man in the top hat with a label that reads 10/6.

Thursday, 23 February 2012

"'Tis But A Scratch" Tories Claim After Disastrous Day.

The day began badly enough with several Tory MP's losing a fistfight against one Labour MP in a bar in Parliament. The slide continued later in the day when the Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health, who had been one of the "supporters" of Lansley's reform bill invited to Downing Street over the weekend, withdrew that support and called for the government to abandon the whole idea. Then, just when the Tories thought it was safe to return to the TV studios, Emma Harrison, under investiagtion for fraud, relinquished her role as the government's "Family Champion" to concentrate on her new career of avoiding jail. We asked a Tory party spokesperson for a comment; "Today was not a disaster as has been claimed in some quarters. Our MP's in the bar room brawl were able to fight off their assailant by running around and screaming for help. We didn't want the paediatrician's support in any case and Emma Harrison has shown the courage and honesty that she has failed to show in her business dealings. All in all we see today as a moral victory for our party which has shown its noble character in the face of great adversity. It will take more than this to blow us off course now we've run aground, while we see our total ignorance of all Britain's problems as a strength rather than a weakness."

MOD Increases Unemployment In Britain.

The MOD have announced that they commissioned the building of four 37,000 tonne support tankers worth £425 million - from South Korea. British shipyards, those that survive at any rate, didn't even make it the stage of placing final bids. We asked a Ministry spokesperson for an explaination; "This proves the great advantages of free trade which allows organisations like us to provide much needed jobs for foreigners. It has been suggested that we should buy from British shipyards, but that would simply encourage the growth of trade unions and I'm afraid we can't have that. It also saves taxpayers millions of pounds even while, at the same time, it helps to throw thousands of them out of work. I understand that this argument is of no relevance to the wealthy since, by and large, they don't pay tax, but for the hoipolei it provides a gratuitious argument that compels them to vote Tory. All in all this is what we term "a result." Shipyard workers are less impressed but who cares about them?"

NHS Best In The World.

The British Medical Journal has issued a damning indictment of the Tory attempt to privatise the NHS and pointed out that it outperforms healthcare in almost every country in the world. The only area where they perform at a lower level is in clinical outcomes which is explained by the fact that, in other countries, patients only get clinical intervention if they can afford to pay for it and the profits thus generated guarantee better equipment and better outcomes. For the vast majority in these countries, however, clinical outcome is an irrelevance since they can't afford expensive interventions and often simply die. We asked Andrew Lansley for his reaction to these findings; "It simply proves what I've been saying. The NHS provides outstanding care to the peasants and it has to stop, while the potential profits for bloodsuckers like me are going begging. It's a goldmine and I'm determined to get my hands on it no matter what. Things will only improve when the peasants have to come to me and my mates cap in hand and beg for healthcare. Of course they won't get it because there's too many of them as it is. They breed like flies and clutter up the streets while embarassing governments by being unemployed because they're not needed. Of course, if we ever get into another major war that would be a different matter, but, until then, I'm looking forward to a good outbreak of TB and ricketts - that'll thin the buggers out."

Wednesday, 22 February 2012

Lansley Refuses To Reveal The Truth In Parliament.

In an astonishing display of utter deviousness Andrew Lansley has today refused to say wether he will release the risk assessment on the NHS demanded by the information commissioner. We asked the Minister For Flogging Off The NHS To His Mates for his comments; "I had perfectly good reasons for not releasing the risk assessment - it would have revealed that I am a complete idiot with no conception of what a Health Ministry is actually for. Worse yet it would also show that my reform bill is a grave danger to the NHS and will cost so much that the whole thing is likely to fall apart. What the people who wrote it fail to understand is that this is my intention. I can't flog it off until I've almost completely destroyed it and persuaded the electorate that we have to sell the corpse before its too late. Once that's achieved we can get in a bunch of bloodsuckers to "save" it and start charging the general public vast amounts of money for the most basic level of healthcare. Now that I'm sure you'll agree, though it doesn't matter if you don't, is well worth doing - at least for the likes of me."

CBI Calls For Tax Cuts For Them.(Again)

The Director General of the CBI, John Cridland pictured above, has, yet again, called on the government to cut taxes for poor pressurised businessmen. "It is a well known fact," Mr.Cridland told out reporter, "that when the poor are starving the best solution is to give rich people bigger meals. The government could cut the taxes of ordinary people and thereby increase demand in the economy but we at the CBI don't believe that this is the best way forward. No, what is called for is tax cuts to the rich so that they feel better and are more confident. It is also a well known fact that demand in the economy is nowhere as important as businessmen feeling happy. For the last 30 years they have been positively ecstatic and look how well we did. Of course the lack of spending power amongst ordinary people was a bit of a problem, but the lack of confidence amongst businessmen in now positively catastrophic. I've had them in my office crying into their glasses of champagne and hardly touching their smoked salmon and cavier. It's tragic! Poor people queueing for food handouts is nothing compared to the queueing of the wealthy to see their over-priced psychoanalysts. This has to stop.

Lansley Turns To Bullying (Again).

Andrew Lansley, Minister for Privatising the NHS, runner up in the "Most Evil Tory of the Year" award and outright winner of the "Tory Thick as a Brick" award, has been bullying non-executive directors in the NHS to stop them criticising his NHS Reform Bill. Supposed to represent the public in Primary Care Trusts, the non-executive directors who have criticised the bill have been sent letters that tell them; "You are bound by the NHS Code of Conduct and as such it is inappropriate for individuals to raise their personal concerns about the proposed government reforms." We asked Andrew Lansley for his view; "Bullying is a long-accepted and perfectly legitimate method of management when you find yourself opposed by just about everyone -at least in the Tory party. I've tried to be reasonable - ignoring other's opinions and lying through my teeth - but some people just don't know when to quit. I thought that once we'd gotten the LibDems on side we'd be home free but, for some reason I can't fathom, it turns out that no one actually trusts them. Go figure! Then there's the House of Lords. They were easy to dodge simply by pretending the NHS bill is actually a finance bill and hey presto! Still, David Cameron and I make a majority of two and that's all that counts really. I fully intend to carry on with my campaign to make the NHS safe for bloodsuckers like me to plunder. There's simply no alternative."

Tuesday, 21 February 2012

Ian Duncan Smith Raises Prejudice To The Level Of Policy Again.

Ian Duncan Smith, who has never done a real day's work in his life, has now declared that "stacking shelves is better than dreaming of stardom on the X factor." We asked the most evil and stupid man in modern British politics to expand on this thought; "I came to this conclusion while watching the early stages of the "X Factor." It was filled with working-class scum who had deluded themselves into thinking that they can sing. I immediately realised that the vast majority of working-class scum think in this way about everything because I am a genius who can make these connections without any real evidence to support them. They are all deluded in believing that they have a future or that they might be able to "better" themselves. I decided then it had to stop. I remembered an old saying - "We are all of us lying in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars" - and realised that that should read - "We are all of us lying in the gutter but ordinary working-class scum would be better off staring down the sewer." It was then that I had my great idea. All those deluded working-class scum graduates who were dreaming of becoming doctors, airline pilots, lawyers or even middle management should be forced to stack shelves in Tesco's for no pay to show them that they are all actually no-hopers. Hard work without hope of improvement is the quickest way, I believe, of re-establishing the class system in Britain which has been the bedrock of our success. It is a vital first step towards making our great nation more competative in a world where Indian and Chinese sweatshops are the way forward. With the indigenous population believing that they have any chance whatsoever of ever landing their dream job, no wonder businesses have no choice but to employ foreigners who have already been taught that they are scum and are good only for menial tasks. Work experience is part of the fight-back of welfare reform — based on the principle that working-class scum should do as they are told and get used to living in the grinding poverty that is all they deserve."

Monday, 20 February 2012

Tory MP "Forgets" He's Paid By Healthcare Company.

Tory MP and ministerial aide Mark Simmonds, pictured above, has been forced to apologise for his "inadvertant" failure to declare his interest in the healthcare company Circle when supporting the NHS Reform Bill. Mr.Simmonds, who in common with many MP's seems to think that his seat in Parliament is of secondary interest to his real job, forgot all about the £50,000 a year he gets from Circle as a "strategic adviser" while arguing in favour of Andrew Lansley's bid to privatisatise the NHS. "It's very difficult to remember what extra jobs you've got when you're an MP or where all the money comes from," he told our reporter. "You can't expect me to remember every measly £50,000 some company slips me to influence policy - its just not realistic. Holding five or six jobs down at a time, even when all you have to do is hold your hand out, is very taxing. Obviously I don't mean paying tax - I gave that up years ago - I mean its very difficult and stressful. Some days I don't know which offshore bank to phone next. Anyway I've apologised for being a crook and that should be enough - in fact I'm confident it will be. There are no crooks in parliament, just public spirit servants of the state who happen to get paid for doing very, very little. We should be commended for our ingenuity and business acumen."

Cameron Hails One Sided Conversation "A Great Success."

After his meeting with NHS professionals who agree with him David Cameron has announed that the new Tory principle of talking to himself is a "great success." "I've talked to people who disagree with me in the past and have found it to be deeply unhelpful. There are far too many people in this country who have opinions of their own and, in my experience, they should be avoided at all costs. I have never experienced any dissent when talking to myself and have decided that, as far as the NHS is concerned, this is the way forward. Having listened only to those who agree with me I've come to the conclusion that I was right all along and that those who disagree with don't actually exist. In political terms this is a great step forward and I urge leaders across the world to adopt the technique. This is democracy at its best, creating peace, harmony and with no inconvenient facts to spoil things. I have spoken to Andrew Lansley today and have told him that I have complete confidence in him. He in turn has told me that he has complete confidence in me. I think this is very significant and indicates that a dialogue of the deaf has had a bad press and can still have important outcomes if conducted properly. My next idea is to hold an election in which only those voting Tory are counted. That will put an end to all this pesky opposition once and for all."

Sunday, 19 February 2012

Tory Unemployment Ploy Hits The Buffers (Twice).

The Tory policy of increasing unemployment in order to cower the population ran into not one but two embarassing facts today. The first embarassing fact is that the government has had to spend £30 million hiring agency staff to fill the gaps they created in the civil service in their rush to throw as many people out of work as possible. The £30 million is in addition to the £90 million already spent on redundancies making an eye watering £120 million wasted on achieving absolutely nothing. In all it is expected that the tax payer will have to stump up £1 billion in redundancy payments as this moronic government sacks everyone in sight for no sensible reason. Meanwhile Emma Harrison, the so-called "Back To Work" tsar, and her company A4e, which is reputed to be the most successful useless business in the world, is under investigation for fraud. Apparently A4e has been glumming money out of the public purse by pretending to find people stable employment whereas, in fact, some the unemployed people involved have only had one day's work. Ms Harrison is doing a Rupert Murdoch and feigning complete surprise that the company she owns and which pays her staggering amounts of money might be staffed by a bunch of crooks. "If there are any allegations or investigations of fraud in any of our activities, we will co-operate fully with the DWP and also anything referred to the police," an A4e spokesperson told reporters and then added, "We have a zero-tolerance policy of fraud." Meanwhile Ms Harrison told the "News In Shorts," "I know nothing of this, never go to the office, have no idea what my staff do all day and have no idea why they keep giving me stupendous amounts of money for doing nothing and knowing nothing. Its all a bit of a mystery to me."

Chris Grayling: Opponants Of Slavery Are "Job Snobs"

While Michael Gove persues his nasty little campaign against "queers and the sinful" in our schools, Chris Grayling, Minister For Spitting On The Unemployed, has decided that anyone who objects to the Tory reinvention of slavery are merely "job snobs." Such people are "hypocrites" Grayling suggests, while people like William Wibeforce, whose campaign against slavery culminated in the "Abolition of Slavery Act" in 1833 were, presumably, misguided philanthropists who should have taken up knitting. We asked the man promoted above his intellectual ability for an explaination; "Short term work experience placements lasting a few weeks are of immense value to young people looking to get a foothold on the job ladder and hoping for a career involving being chained to an oar. There is nothing wrong with stacking shelves at Tesco's throughout the night for no pay if you're an unemployed scrounger - and all the unemployed are scroungers you know - and you're too poor to afford an internship. These people should be grateful to us for allowing them to live at all. The only alternative, frankly, is to turn the Olympic stadium into an ampitheatre and make the unemployed fight each other to the death. Come to think of it..."

Gove: Disrimination Law Ends At School Gates.

Michael Gove, in an astounding display of sheer ignorance, has given the green light to a booklet that preaches intolerance towards homosexuals and reduces sex to a meer mechanical act of procreation. This idea, imported wholesale from the United States where religious insanity is the norm, and given the title "Pure Manhood: How to become the man God wants you to be," suggests that homosexuality is the result of "an unhealthy relationship with his father, an inability to relate to other guys, or even sexual abuse". The booklet also claims that "scientifically speaking, safe sex is a joke," while "the homosexual act is disordered, much like contraceptive sex between heterosexuals. Both acts are directed against God's natural purpose for sex – babies and bonding." It is a diatribe about sex out of wedlock and suggests that contraception is somehow an invention of the devil. Actually, of course, sex is the means by which organisms share DNA and is essentially the driving force of evolution, but the booklet doesn't seem to embrace Darwin or evolutionary theory very much. The truth is that this hateful piece of sheer propaganda is simply another example of how this government would dearly like to graft the American Republican propensity for Christian "Bible-belt" politics into Britain. Now you might be forgiven that, in the light of very strong anti-discriminatory laws in this country, such a booklet would be illegal. Not so, according to Michael Gove, who has made the extraordinary claim that such laws do not apply in schools. While Gove's thought processes provide a good example of how this government would like to promote irrational thought on the basis that it is easier to control than rational thought, it is also clearly sinister. Recently even the "Daily Mail" has pointed to unnerving similarities between Cameron's present government and the early days of Nazi Germany when Hitler softened up the German population for later and even more loathsome acts of barbarity. With Ian Duncan Smith's abhorrent campaign against the disabled, dying and unemployed, Baroness Warsi's bizarre call for a resurgeant Christianity, Cameron's desire to get rid of the European legislation on Human Rights and now this, we must wonder where all this is going. As an American Senator once observed "once you start out on that road you have to follow it to the end." And where are the LibDems in all of this? Why are they still supporting the most illiberal government this country has ever seen?

Saturday, 18 February 2012

Cameron In Last Ditch Defence Of NHS Bill.

David Cameron has mounted a last ditch attempt to save Lansley's bill to privatise the NHS in a high level meeting at No.10. As an attempt to persuade those opposed to support the bill, however, it lacks one crucial ingredient - those invited only include organisations that already agree. Those who disagree are, apparently, persona non grata. At last Cameron and Lansley will be able to claim rightly that everyone agrees with them - in the room at any rate. Cameron has billed the meeting as a chance to show where the Tories "are coming from," presumably because they don't want anyone to know where they're going. We asked a government spokesman for more details; "The Prime Minister and Minister for Privatising the NHS are very keen to be seen pretending the bill has at least some support before they are forced to do a humiliating u-turn and Lansley is burned at the stake. We still believe that privatising the NHS is a good idea since we, in the Tory party, hope to cash in on it at some in the future. However, we also recognise that the bill has become an albatross around our necks and might well lose us the next general election. That would be disastrous since we need an outright majority to force through privatisation when we can actually get away with it."

Daily Mail Accuses Osborne Of Being A Smeghead.

The Daily Mail, know for decades as little more than a mouthpiece for the Tories and other fringe organisations dedicated to extolling the virtues of the knee-jerk reaction, have today called on David Cameron to get rid of George Osborne. Pointing out that the Chancellor of the Exchequer should do more than simply wander about with a glazed expression on his face, they have called on him to do something - anything - about the parlous state of Britain's economy. As the Daily Mail states; "In the financial year drawing to a close, the United Kingdom spent £705 billion, but raised only £575 billion," which now means that we now have a national debt that amounts to a staggering £1 trillion - and that after 21 months of "austerity." Nor are they shy about pointing out why Britain is in this state; "The urgent priority must be to promote growth. This should be apparent even to those, like Messrs Cameron and Osborne, who live off family trust funds." Having effectively publicised Ed Ball's analysis of Britain's accelerating economic decline, what's next - a Daily Mail campaign to get Labour reelected? We live in strange times.

Tesco Discovers Customers Don't Like Slavery.

In a shock revelation for Tesco, the company have found that its customers are rather opposed to the idea of being served by what amounts to slaves after a storm of protest. Having originally thought that having people work for free throughout the night stacking shelves was a really good idea, they now seem to have changed their minds as thousands of disgusted customers threatened to bycott the stores. Having suddenly found the word "conscience" in the dictionary the company has now told the government that they will only accept unemployed people who have had at least the choice of volunteering. Meanwhile lawyers are preparing a legal claim against the government under the Human Rights Act legislation on forced labour. We asked a Chris Grayling, Minister for Destroying the Morale of the Unemployed, for the government's view; "We've always maintained that the Human Rights Act was forced on us by faceless bureaucrats in Brussels and this proves it. It may have stopped us deporting undesirable people to countries who torture their citizens because we wouldn't like to be embarassed in the UN, but I don't see why it should stop us enslaving our own population if we want to. The idea that providing work experience for unemployed young people is some kind of forced labour is utterly and completely absurd - completely true, but completely absurd."

Iceland Declared Safe For Bankers Again

Three years ago Iceland was in economic meltdown with financial problems every bit as bad as those in Greece today. Icelanders listened to the IMF and it's European partners as they urged them to do what Greece is doing now, ignored them completely, arrested their bankers and politicians and rewrote their entire constitution to outlaw casino banking. European leaders threw their hands up in horror and predicted dire consequencies if Iceland didn't do as they wanted. Yet, while Greece sinks into the abyss, Fitch, the global rating agency, has raised Iceland's sovereign rating this week from BBB- to BB+, which means it is now considered safe again for investment purposes. Fitch has said that its decision "reflects the progress that has been made in restoring macroeconomic stability, pushing ahead with structural reform and rebuilding sovereign creditworthiness". In other words its decision reflects the fact that Iceland gave the global finance industry the finger, made its banks pay its own debts and threw into prison all those who had betrayed their country. They also refused to cut their own economy off at the knees in order to please the banks and kept up spending for a full year in order to stimulate their economy. Meanwhile Fitch have downgraded five other Eurozone counties who have adopted the belief that they can cut their way out of recession, while Moody's have put Britain on negative watch and Standard & Poor's have downgraded nine Eurozone countries in all. "There is no alternative?" Iceland proves that there is.

Friday, 17 February 2012

Students Told Their Human Rights Only Apply In Libya.

Students Katy Moore and Callum Hurley pictured above have been told by a British court of law that, while raising the cap on students fees was illegal, it did not abridge their human rights. The court also found that the government had failed to meet its public service equality duties, but that it wasn't appropriate to quash the regulations since the Universities had proven to be as greedy as the government thought they would be. We asked a triumphant Tory spokesperson for the government's reaction; "This is a great day for freedom in Britain - or at least our freedom to do whatever the hell we like. The court found that the changes were "unlawful" but we don't have to worry about that nonsense - the law is whatever we say it is. We are cheered that the court found that the student's human rights were not abridged and I suggest if they don't like it they should bugger off to Libya where the question of the right to an education is worth fighting for. People in this country have to realise that human rights only apply to Tory voters and foreigners with oil and the right to an education is reserved for those who can afford it and those stupid enough to put themselves into a lifetime of debt in the forlorn hope of improving themselves. Universities can now go back to doing what they're supposed to do - educating the children of the rich and preparing them for a life of tax avoidance and educating the children of rich foreigners for up-front fees. Meanwhile we can get back to what we do best - flogging off Britain's assets for as much money as we can can get our sticky fingers on."

Campaign Against The Disabled Gathers Pace.

The poster shown above is from Nazi Germany and essentially accuses disabled people of wasting valuable resources. Today in Britain there have been two reports that demonstrate how far down the same road we have now travelled. In the first report from the "Guardian" it has been revealed that officials from the DWP have met with disability groups to outline new plans to force disabled people to work for their benefits for unlimited periods of time or risk losing those benefits. Those who are to be forced into this new form of slavery include those diagnosed with cancer, stroke victims and those with mental health issues. In the second report it has been revealed that lawyers workong for ATOS, the private company that conducts "fitness for work" tests, have threatened disabled bloggers and forums with legal action if they don't stop discussing work capability assessments. Some forums have already been closed down by hosting companies after they were threatened by ATOS. We asked Ian Duncan Smith, front runner in this year's "Most Evil Tory Of The Year Award," for his view; "I don't see why taxpayers money should be spent supporting these useless people. They take up valuable resources that could be better spent on rasing MP's expenses and increasing executive pay. As for the action that ATOS has taken against disabled scum, I don't see why the disabled should benefit from the same democratic rights that the able bodied enjoy. My own exhaustive research, which consisted of asking other Tories for their opinion, demonstrates quite clearly that most of them are fakers and scroungers, while those who are actually disabled are that way because they deserve it. Look at Stephen Hawking. He's disabled but he still works. Modern capitalism has no place for such people and if they don't shape up they'll just have to take the consequencies of their greed and selfishness."

Thursday, 16 February 2012

Tories Reintroduce Slavery.

Ian Duncan Smith has triumphantly announed the return of slavery to mainland Britain for the first time in over 200 years as figures demonstrate that over 24,000 people are now working for free under the mandatory work activity scheme. "It hasn't been easy persuading voters that all unemployed people are scroungers," IDS told our reporter, "but the struggle has been worth it. Sainbury's and Tesco's are delighted and immediately upped party donations to us in gratitude. I still believe that the experience of being forced to perform menial tasks for no money will be good for unemployed people - especially if they're made to stack shelves with goods they can't afford to buy. It's certainly good for Tories who can now indulge their need to sneer at the less fortunate while, at the same time, patting themselves on the backs for sincerely believing that their prejudices are actually humane. On the Tory scale of self-satisfaction this one has to score ten out of ten. I thought getting Sam Gyimah to crack the whip yesterday was a particularly nice touch, demonstrating that this new form of slavery is firmly wealth-based and has nothing to do with race. I'm sure his ancestors would be proud of him."

Lansley Apologises For "Accidently" Paying Health Mandarins Through Private Companies.

On a day when David Cameron demonstrated his grasp of health issues by suggesting drunks should be thrown into a holding tank to die, Andrew Lansley, having told us that no one in his ministry was being paid through private companies, has now had to admit that actually 25 are so paid. The 25 assorted bloodsuckers, spivs and crooks have managed to glum £4.2 million out of the public purse and then laundered the money through private companies with offshore bank accounts to avoid paying tax. We asked Andrew Lansley for his comments; "Oh, those 25 people. When I was asked about this I thought they were only asking about actual civil servants. These people are management consultants, efficiency managers and professional corporate hangers-on, all of whom are paid for a valuable contribution to my campaign to rob the NHS of every penny its got. As such I didn't see them as working for the department as such - indeed I could make the case that they only work for me. There is also the question of cost in investigating such things since they are fiendishly difficult to find - especially when you've already been bribed to look the other way. It was all one big accident - being found out that is."

Wednesday, 15 February 2012

Sam Gyimah Insults The Unemployed.

Sam Gyimah, with great patience and not a small meaure of self-satisfaction, explained to a BBC audience, made up in the main of unemployed people, why the rising unemployment figures are all Labour's fault and nothing to do with the Tories. The former investment banker from Goldman Sachs blithly ignored his own former role in gambling the world economy away and essentially told the audience that the government could and would do nothing for them and that they should all get off their idle arses and help themselves. The highlight of the programme came when a member of the audience challenged him to live on £60 for one week. Gyimah, of course, adroitly avoided the challenge by changing the subject and then proceeded to smirk after delivering a killer reply that had nothing whatsoever to do with the question asked. The millionaire ex-banker, who made his money by stealing it from everyone else, is the MP for East Surrey where unemployment is hardly a burning question and seems to have been chosen for the programme by the Tory party for his skill at being smarmy and having no empathy for the unemployed whatsoever. Sounds like Cabinet material to me.

Osborne Sends His Regrets.

George Osborne has refused Nick Clegg's plea to raise the tax threshold for the poor, pleading a lack of resources as the economy continues to sink. "It's not my fault," he told our reporter. "It's all the fault of the last government/Greece/world economic conditions/cost of riots/snow in winter/drought in summer/royal weddings (please pick your favourite and insert in sentence). I would like to cut taxes to the peasants, honest I would, but I can't do that until just before the next election otherwise I'll have nothing to bribe the moronic electorate with. We're all in this together - even I'm suffering as I find it increasingly hard to dodge my tax liabilities, find the money from the public purse to fund my mortgage and provide fig trees for MP's dining room so I don't get too warm while eating my lunchtime caviar. You shoud feel sorry for me having to balance my part-time job as Chancellor while paying attention to my other, and more important, business interests. Being incredibly wealthy has never been so hard. Being poor is easy by comparison I can tell you."

Tories Line Up To Plunder The Economy.

In case you hadn't noticed Britain is in the midst of a revolution not seen since the 1980's and a bout of Tory-inspired asset stripping that would make Margaret Thatcher limp with anticipation. They are busy creating a revolving-door economy in which they will be the chief beneficiaries as they slip in and out of government and in out of newly created boards of directors in the health industry, education and welfare-to-work schemes. None of this is designed to provide better services - especially since competition has been virtually eliminated from modern capitalism - but is designed to make it easier for a political and financial elite to slither from one lucrative scam to another. Better still, as far as the Tory spivs are concerned, is that tax avoidance will continue to flourish as they sadly inform us that nothing can be done because "it will harm business." How can they get away with this? It's quite simple really as any time spent watching the BBC demonstrates. The Tories, and Labour before them for that matter, have spent three decades persuading us that Britain is not a society but an economy and everything, our welfare provision, our healthcare and our education, must be sacrificed to ensure that "busines" flourishes. The catch is that the "business" is not of the type that produces jobs but of the type that produces money for a tiny elite who may, if they're feeling generous, allow a few crumbs to fall from their banquet table to sustain the rest of us. The Tories, who have effectively captured the LibDems in this reprehensible Coalition government and neutered them, have no mandate, no Parliamentary majority and no support in the country for any of this. They are pushing ahead for their own selfish interests and have effecitvely abridged democracy in this country in order to do so.

Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Parliament Spends £400,000 On Trees To Shade Their Lunchroom.

In a mindboggling piece of cackhanded madness MP's have decided to spend £400,000 on twelve fig trees to shade their dining room. Nor are these ordinary common or garden fig trees - they are ficus benjamina imported from Florida and valued at £150,000 each. We asked a leading Tory for an explaination; "We have found that MP's sweating over their Brown Windsor soup and spotted dick with custard has become an increasing problem in our new £325 million offices in Portcullis House. As the famous debate between JFK and Richard Nixon demonstrated in 1960, sweating politicians can be especially disastrous during elections. The fig trees were obtained to cure this huge problem for the country. I hasten to add that we didn't actually buy them - we rented them at the rate of £32,500 per year. So, if the country goes bust, we can always send them back." Missing the point by several light years Liberal Democrat Tessa Munt said: "The trees look nice but it would be much better to have bought these trees and have somebody employed to look after all the plants around the estate." Adding some sanity to the debate Labour MP Kevan Jones added: "For this money you could have planted a small forest. Like a lot of things done in the House of Commons they get very little scrutiny." All that remains is to ask "Does anyone have the phone number of a good lumberjack?"

An International Civil War.

The world is in the midst of what might be called an international civil war. Unreported and undeclared it is nonetheless very real. It broke out in 2008 and has raged across the planet without pause ever since. The belligerents in this war are undefined, unclear and often indistinguishable from one another and are both deadly enemies and allies at the same time. Worse yet both sides are riven by their own disagreements, differing agendas and rivalries and both have an overweening sense of entitlement and a belief that they are above the law. It is war of the worst type – a war of all against all. On the one side we have national governments and on the other the international finance industry. The issue at stake is who rules the world and both sides are locked in a deadly embrace that threatens the future of us all.
How did this war break out? The answer is that there has been a low level conflict between the two sides for several hundred years, bubbling below the surface but, by and large and with a few brief exceptions, under control. The real problems began when the international finance industry made national governments an offer they couldn’t refuse. It went something like this. “Capitalism, with the fall of the Soviet Union, has demonstrated its clear superiority and seen off its only serious rival. We now want to enjoy our victory and indulge our greed and selfishness without interference from you. In return we are willing to put you on the payroll by offering you money through apparently legal channels such as party “donations” and lobbying fees. We understand that many of you have constituents that have to be mollified and we have the perfect alibi for you. It is called the theory of “trickle down.” This gives the impression that making wealthy people like ourselves even wealthier will benefit the whole of society as the money we steal leaks out into the wider economy. All you have to do is embrace this new ideology and make it sound as if you believe it and all will be well. For our part we can assure you that we can expand the economy and the demand for goods and services through clever financial vehicles without limit.” It was, essentially, the biggest Ponzi scheme in the history of the world and was bound, like all Ponzi schemes, to come to grief sooner or later. Politicians were warned by cooler and more thoughtful heads but they didn’t want to listen. The finance industry was similarly warned, but was too arrogant to believe what was blatantly obvious.
The assets that the finance industry decided to concentrate on was property. Assets are always the foundation of any financial dealings and people’s homes are the most valuable asset they are ever likely to possess. What would people do, or be persuaded to do, if those assets were to suddenly become even more valuable than they thought? How would someone react if they found out, for instance, that the house they had paid £20,000 for was now worth £200,000 and mortgage rates were at an all-time low? The second mortgage beckoned with the promise of being able to buy all the things that people had ever wanted. A brand new shiny car. A second home in France or Spain. As many holidays in the sun as you could possibly want. A film star lifestyle for the price of a week at Butlin’s. Business loved it, especially the estate agents, solicitors and mortgage lenders who all took a slice of an ever-expanding pie. Goods and services flew out the door while wages stagnated. Who needed a wage increase when finance rates were so low? The flight of money from labour to capital that Karl Marx had warned about was in full flow. But all markets, no matter what is being sold, need a constant supply of new customers and, after all the credit-worthy customers who already owned their own homes had been serviced, there was no choice but to accept those who were less credit-worthy. Finance rates were already low so the only room for manoeuvre was in terms of the deposit needed to buy already overpriced houses. Soon customers could get mortgages that were five times their yearly income with deposits that continued to shrink. To disguise the intrinsic danger in such transactions mortgages were bundled together and passed with little scrutiny from one financial institution to another in a deadly game of “pass the parcel.” The trick was buy and sell these subprime mortgages as fast as possible, hoping that if anything went wrong your institution wouldn’t be the one caught with them still in its possession. Then the subprime market began to unravel and, when the financial institutions began to look more closely at the business they owned, they found that they all had more bad debt than they could handle. Bankruptcy threatened and the financial industry was in danger of meltdown.
What was to be done? Banks urgently needed a money transfusion to cover the huge amount of bad debt they had taken on, but where was the money to come from? They had no choice. They turned to their allies, national governments, held a gun against their own heads and said “help us or we’ll shoot.” Politicians across the world now suddenly woke up to what was happening and what their future was likely to be once their constituents realised it too. So, under the banner of saving the world from another 1930’s style depression, they took taxpayers money and gave it to the banks – hoping against hope that this transfusion of liquidity would provide the necessary lubrication to save the financial system. The banks said “thank you” and promptly pocketed the lot, paying themselves the obscene bonuses they saw themselves as entitled to as the entire financial system began to seize up. Fully realising the power that had been handed to them on a plate the banks went back to the national governments and demanded yet more money. Now thoroughly panicked the governments stumped up the money and the bankers gave themselves yet more bonuses. The war had broken out almost without anyone noticing. National governments began to dig their heels in as their constituents began to dimly perceive what was going on and the financial industry retaliated by downgrading their credit rating. This had the effect of making it more difficult and expensive for governments to borrow to cover the money they had already given to the banks. Panicked once again, governments began to cut their spending to curb borrowing, shrinking their own economies and pauperising their own citizens to hide what they had done. As entire nations such as Iceland, Eire and Greece began an inevitable slide towards bankruptcy they were rewarded by the banks with more downgrading of their credit ratings as the banks tried to squeeze the last drop of lifeblood out of them. This affected their trading partners who took even more of their tax payer’s money to bail out their unfortunate neighbours. Money was now disappearing from national economies and rushing into the coffers of the banks who used it to pay off the creditor that had cannily bought up much of their debt. Meanwhile, to try and fill the black hole that had opened up in economies, governments sold bonds to finance their growing national debts. The buyer of these bonds and the creditor that had bought up the banker’s debts was one and the same – communist China. Now that country essentially owns most of the western world – lock, stock and barrel – while our governments and the international financial industry are still locked in their deadly civil war and tearing at each other’s flesh with increasing ferocity. As Lenin once said about the West; “They will sell us the rope we will hang them with.”

Are The Tories Mad, Bad Or Just Dangerous To Know?

As it becomes increasingly clear that George Osborne is a dangerous blithering idiot, his response to Moody's putting Britain on warning demonstrates the contradictory nature of his policies. With the national debt increasing day by day he has told the BBC that "Britain has to deal with its debts," and that "we can't waver in the path of dealing with our debts." He then went on to blame the economic woes of Europe which, he maintains, threaten Britain's growth because they too are following his example and cutting their spending. Yet, while Osborne happily spins his circular reasoning, another economic expert tells us that, after the US lost their AAA rating last year, it "didn't have a huge detriment" and that "in actual fact it was reasonably positive." So not only are Osborne's policies not working, increasing rather than diminishing our debt, his declared aim of protecting Britain's credit rating is not only a failure but also completely irrelevant. His policy now stands exposed for what it is - an ideologically inspired and spiteful attack on the people of this country, prejudice raised to the level of policy and tricked out in the colours of economic necessity. Nor is he alone as the Tory party indulges itself in a frenzy of insane spite for its own sake. You only have to look at their track record so far to see them for what they are. Theresa May cutting police numbers in the wake of the worst rioting in Britain for decades. Michael Gove answering the pleas of teachers by sending them copies of the St.James' bible. Ian Duncan Smith celebrating increasing unemployment while gleefully cutting benefits and labelling the disabled as "scroungers." Andrew Lansley gratuitously wasting NHS resources in a bid to privatise it at a time when what it really needs is protection. The Muslim Baroness Warsi telling us all that only a Christian God can really help us. And, at the centre of this whirlwind of right-wing mindless vitriol and spleen, we have David Cameron telling us we're all in this together while he raids the public purse to fund his property portfolio. The Tories are the political equivalent of banging your head against a wall - it's lovely when you stop.

Moody's Kick Osborne's Economic Strategy Into Touch.

After nearly two years of unremitting austerity to protect Britain's credit rating the credit rating agency Moody's have passed their verdict and put Britain on negative outlook. Their reason was, "weaker macroeconomic environment, which will challenge the government's efforts to place its debt burden on a downward trajectory over the coming years." In other words Osborne's strategy has harmed Britain's economy and made it more difficult for it to service its debt. Osborne was quick to point out that Moody's hadn't actually said that his deficit reduction strategy was wrong, which seems to indicate that the Chancellor has, as always, completely missed the point. He has screwed up the economy and Moody's, not to mention just about everyone else in the world, have rumbled him for the economic ignoramus he always was.

Baroness Warsi Calls For More Irrational Thought In Politics.

Baroness Warsi, Chairman of the Tory party (and no that's not a mistake, she insists on being called "Chairman") has warned about the increase of an intolerant "militant secularism" that is sidelining religion. Christianity, she insists, should be at the centre of our public life, while Britain and the whole of Europe should reaffirm "the religious foundations on which our societies are built." Leaving aside the obvious schizophrenia of a Muslim calling for a resurgeance of Christianity and the strange idea that Britain's traditional secularism is based on intolerance, there are the small matters of a British politician insisting that irrational thought processes are superior to rational ones or that the seperation of state and religion should be reversed after 300 years. We asked the somewhat confused Baroness to explain exactly what she's talking about; "In times like these, when the world is facing grave economic problems, when world tensions are higher than they have been for decades and climate change seems poised to decimate the world's population, the last thing we need is expertise based on sound scientific principles. No, what we all need to do is to appeal to an invisible bearded diety who lives in the sky to forgive us our sins. We must turn our backs on intolerant secularism that has given us such things as freedom and the ability to make rational decisions, and, instead, embrace the toleration of religion which has given us such things as burning witches at the stake, the Inquisition and the Crusades. We need the tolerance of the Pilgrim Fathers who left Britain in order to be free to persecute anyone who disagreed with them. We must no longer stand aside as the essential tolerance of stoning gays and adulterers to death is denied its rightful place in society and the disabled are not blamed for the sins that caused their afflictions."

Monday, 13 February 2012

MP's Continue To Steal Our Money

As the private sector increases the rate of redundancies, the unemployed and disabled are persecuted as "scroungers", wages are effectively cut and the number of OAP's dying of hypothermia doubles, MP's continue to push their snouts ever deeper into the public trough. Figures published today show that, since the expenses scandal first came to light, MP's have increased their expenses by a staggering 42%. Not only do we have to foot the bill for such essential items as satellite TV, chocolate bars, crisps and sandwiches, we are also paying to increase their property investment portfolio. Last year David Cameron claimed £21,000 for a mortgage on his Oxford mansion while George Osborne was content with a measly £18,000 - more money than many people in this country earn every year. Most of us have to pay for such things out of our earning but MP's seem to have to pay for nothing. Is this then a new scandal? Apparently not since all these things are allowed under the rules. Parliament promised to clear up the mess but, instead, they have simply moved the goal posts to give their continued greed the veneer or respectablity. They are thieves plain and simple.

Nick Clegg Backs Andrew Lansley.

Nick Clegg has come out strongly in favour of Andrew Lansley as Minister for Health; "He's the right man for the job," he told our reporter. "Ignorant, stupid, cackhanded and entirely devoted to lining his own pockets. As such he's a typical Tory but with the added advantage that he has the skin of an elephant. I firmly believe that, as a man whose political career is virtually over, that flogging off the NHS so people with money like me can cash in is definately the best way forward. I understand ordinary people's fears but fully believe that, with enough bullshit, lies and propaganda, we can still persuade them cut their own throats. I'm sure that, if an unelected government in Greece can force through measures to pauperise their entire population, then we can force through a bill that makes healthcare totally unaffordable for the majority of people in Britain."

Sunday, 12 February 2012

RBS Executives Arrested For Tax Evasion.

Four executives and one former executive of the RBS banking group have been arrested in London and the Home Counties for tax evasion. We asked HMRC for details; "Well, let's just say that they aren't security guards or counter staff. All we can say is that they have been arrested in an ongoing investigation into the personal tax affairs of certain individuals." We asked an unnamed source from RBS for the bank's reaction; "As we've always maintained we have to pay vast bonuses to attract the right calibre of criminal. We believe that tax evasion should be encouraged to foster a sense of corporate solidarity and to hone the criminal instincts of our more outstandingly successful executives. Of course, this doesn't mean that the bank itself has done anything criminal - morally reprehensible yes, but never criminal." Meanwhile David Cameron has come under increasing pressure to bring the banks under control through regulation; "We see these arrests as demonstrating how effective present regulation already is," a spokesperson for No.10 told our reporter. "We feel that any further regulation, say to stop tax evasion from even being attempted, would mean that some of our wealthiest donators might get caught out and that would never do. At the moment there are enough tax loopholes to push an elephant through and that should be enough for any banking executive. We are toying with the idea of self-regulation along the lines of that in the media which has been such an outstanding success. In the meantime were are hoping to claw back at least some of the money lost because of tax evasion by punishing the unemployed and disabled by pretending they are all acroungers."

Greek Premier Struck Blind.

While thousands of rioters took to the streets in Athens, battling with the police and burning portions of the city, the unelected technocrat Greek PM, Lucas Papademos, warned of anarchy if his austerity programme isn't voted through parliament. Their sacrifice, he told the Greek public, is necessary not to save their jobs, businesses and their economic future, but so that Greece can continue using the Euro. "There is nothing as important than Greece continuing to pretend that it is important enough to share the same currency as Germany and France. Parents having to dump their children on the streets is as nothing compared to the need to protect the pride of Greek politicians. We lied our way into the Euro and must now be willing to sacrifice the entire population in order to protect our reputations and pension funds. We are a breath away from ground zero and I've lost the key to the bunker."

George Osborne Punishes Part-Time Workers.

George Osborne, in line with his reputation for being a complete smeghead, has begun the process of taking away tax credits from those who need it most. We asked the man rumoured to be Chancellor of the Exchequer for his comments; "The project begun under Margaret Thatcher to reduce wages in this country to the level of child labour in the third world is nearing completion and, having persuaded people in this country to put their heads in the noose, it's time to kick the chair away. I've heard that part-time workers who can't get full time work in our neoliberal paradise will suffer most, losing as much as £4,000 a year. To be honest I don't actually know the figures because it's of no interest to me, but, on the bright side, companies that don't want to pay a living wage will still be able to continue doing so while, at the same time, paying even less in tax than they do now. Now that's what I call a win/win situation. At last we will create clear water between benefit scroungers and corporate scroungers and rebalance the equation to benefit the already rich. All in all a good day's work as far as I'm concerned."

Cameron And Lansley Fight To The Finish.

When the Tories went into the Coalition government the editor of the "News In Shorts" sent an e-mail to them warning that any attempt to privatise the NHS would be disasterous for them and for the country. For some unaccountable reason they ignored the message (presumably because unlike Rupert Murdoch our editor doesn't own a private jet). Hurt pride aside, the editor would like to say with great humility - "Ha, ha, told you so!" However the editor cannot help but admire David Cameron for his grim determination to stick to his guns and be his unutterably arrogant and stupid self. With at least three cabinet ministers now sounding the alarm, almost everyone in the country against the reforms and the party terrified that they've been found out, Cameron is still voicing his complete accord with Andrew Lansley. In the "Times" today he said that Lansley's reforms are "absolutely necessary if I and my cronies are to cash in on other people's misery," before adding. "Labour is being politically opportunistic in their evil campaign to stop good people like Andrew Lansley and I from making a fortune out of this. I will, of course, get rid of Lansley as soon as my pride allows it, since he's proved to be even more stupid than I am, but I need him at the moment to shield me from the flack." We asked Nick Clegg for his reaction but he declined to comment on the basis that "David won't let me."

Eric Pickles Rips Away The Mask.

Eric Pickles, invigorated by his rant about councils having the right to be as barmy as they like, has now decided that the country needs to know the truth about the Tory party. In the "Telegraph" today he openly admits that the Tories are following an ideological agenda more radical than "Thatcher in full flight." Forget the "need" to clear up "Labour's mess." Forget the "need" to reduce the deficit at breakneck speed. It's all about what the Tories want and not what the country needs. To add insult to injury Pickles then tells readers that he is proud that his "blue blood is pulsing in his veins." Blue blood? Has he been promoted to the ranks of the aristocracy or is he referring to the state of the brick he uses instead of a heart? Nor does the bad news end there because Pickles goes on to assure readers that David Cameron, despite his attempts to pretend that he is a caring human being, is in fact a "true heir of Thatcher." Bizzarely he cites "Plants Vs Zombies" as his favourite iPad game in which the player has to throw potted plants at zombies to prevent them "eating your brains." Presumably he's not very good at it.

How Can We Stop Energy Companies Ripping Us Off?

The six biggest energy companies in Britain are about to announce bumper profits in the wake of sub-zero temperatures across Europe. Their profits, it is suggested, will be £2 billion up on last year at £15 billion. That's £250 for every man, woman and child in the country. Ed Davy, the new Energy Minister, has trotted out the usual mantra; "I want a more competative energy market delivering the best deal for consumers." Bully for you, but wasn't flogging off the energy industry to private companies supposed to do that anyway? Caroline Flint, the Shadow Energy Secretary, was next up; "The prices energy companies charge are opaque, so we need to open up the books of the energy giants so that people can see for themselves what price they buy and sell energy at, and whether they are getting a fair deal or not. Where there has been mis-selling, customers should get proper compensation." No, they need to be renationalised so that they spend their time providing a service instead of shovelling money into their own pockets. We've had this nonsense for 30 years now - private companies deliver lower prices and provide a better service because of competition and because they are more efficient - and all we have to show for it are higher prices, declining service and a minority free to stuff our money into their bank accounts. We see the same thing on the railways where we now have the highest prices per mile travelled in the world. The only competition that seems to be going on is who can rip us off with the greatest efficiency.

Saturday, 11 February 2012

Cameron's Waterloo.

The editor would like to apologise for all the historical allusions of late, but finds that he cannot help himself given the Tory antics over NHS reform bill. So for all those who can stomach a bit more, here goes. When Wellington faced Napoleon for the first time across the battlefield at Waterloo, the British general was curious to see what clever tactic the French Emperor would adopt to counter the carefully prepared British defensive stance. Expecting some complicated move on the flanks, Wellington was disappointed in the extreme when Napoleon sent his forces straight down the middle in a full-frontal and, ultimately, suicidal attack. "The man's just a damned pounder after all," Wellington muttered. Cameron, Britian's own Napoleon, with Andrew Lansley at his side standing in for Marshall Ney, has looked at the NHS battleground, noted the impregnable defences of the opposition, and decided to make one more full-frontal attack of his own. Oh well, I suppose an easy victory over a man with no tactical stance at all is better than no victory at all. But, given the bloodletting that has been inflicted on the hapless NHS by this idiotic government, there is another quote from Wellington that is worth considering. "The only thing in war that is worse than a bloody defeat is a bloody victory."

Britain Fails To Bribe India.

In a shock development it was revealed today that the British government has failed to successfully bribe the Indian government to buy the Typhoon fighter pictured above. "I don't understand it," William Hague told us. "We've spent millions of tax payers money on aid so the Indian government would feel obligated to buy this very expensive piece of kit and they bought the French Rafale instead! We even gave our fighter an exciting World War II name and they still didn't buy it! What does Rafale mean anyway?" We asked our French correspondent for a translation; "It means a gust of wind, a flurry of snow or a burst of gunfire. Mind you, in the some rural areas it also means fart. Actually the Rafale is exactly the same aeroplane as the Typhoon except it's built in France and is 25% cheaper than the British version." Meanwhile David Cameron, who promised he would "move heaven and earth" to get the Indians to buy the Typhoon, sprang into action and ignored the problem completely. "I meant to call them," he explained, "but I called once and the number was engaged. Then I was told they were out and wouldn't be back until after the weekend and, with one thing and another, I forgot."