The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Tuesday, 30 September 2014

Plans Outlined To Pay MP's With Prepaid Benefit Cards.

As a counter proposal to Iain Duncan Smith's plans to pay the unemployed through prepaid benefit cards it has been suggested (at least by The News In Shorts) that MP's should be paid in the same way. There are many reasons for doing this, not least that it would put an end to IDS flitting around in a swanky racing car and wasting taxpayers money on expensive lunches. It would, in a wider context, also prevent MP's from cleaning their moats at our expense and housing their ducks in houses bigger than that allowed for a single human being if they happen to be on benefits. Hopefully it would also end once and for all the abuse of a system that allows MP's to enrich themselves through London property investments paid for by us. So far there hasn't been much support for this idea at Westminster where MP's are still getting over the shock of getting a paltry 11% pay increase while the rest of us got a pay cut. IDS seems to be very concerned about the luxuries that the poor might spend their money on, drugs, booze, cigarettes and sky TV, while the idea that they might get into debt throws him into an fit of indignant outrage. While MP's get all these things paid for through their expense accounts, IDS seems to have no problem handing the entire country with a doubling of the national debt over the last five years. The feckless poor, IDS suggests, have "destructive habits" that he is determined to end. Meanwhile his own destructive habits, such as wasting tax payers money on utterly useless IT systems and an unworkable single benefits system, go largely unremarked and unreported. It is nice to see, however, that IDS continues in his self-appointed role of being the anus of the Tory party.

Monday, 29 September 2014

Tories Promise To Sacrifice Yet More Poor People.

Speaking at the Tory conference in Birmingham today George Osborne has promised that the nasty party will continue to hold poor people responsible for the greed and selfishness of the rich. Austerity, he told his adoring audience of fat cats and the irredeemably stupid, is here to stay and he feels that this bleak message to most of the country is a real vote-winner. While the poor are to be sacrificed once again to protect an increasingly wealthy minority, the NHS will be starved of funds in order to kill off those who can no longer contribute towards bankers bonuses and the profits of corporate criminals. With tax increases for his rich pals not an option Osborne has no choice but to cut expenditure further in order to service a national debts that he has managed to more than double in less than five years. Throughout his speech he called on the electorate to vote for a future that will be even worse than the past. Only the Tories, he said, are serious about running the economy - though he forgot to add that they are serious about running it into the ground. Those who will suffer the most will be the feckless scroungers who work full-time for part-time wages - those of us whose wages have shrunk so much while corporate fat cats stuff their offshore bank accounts with yet more tax-free cash - because scroungers is what we have all become according to the Tories. Essentially Osborne has written off most the people in this country for the crime of not being born amongst an ever-increasingly privileged minority, for not choosing our parents with more care and for not being the heartless and utterly money-obsessed freeloaders that they are. We don't deserve a future, he told most of us today, and he will make absolutely sure that we don't get one.

Saturday, 27 September 2014

Another Rat Leaves The Sinking Ship

As it becomes increasingly clear that being nasty is just not enough to guarantee election victory Tory backbenchers are increasingly desperate to save their parliamentary expense accounts and are beginning to jump ship like the rats they are. Given their greedy and selfish natures it was difficult, in the past, for them to cross the floor in order to join the Lib Dems or, if desperate enough, the Labour party. Fortunately for the likes of Mark Reckless there is a new party in town - just as nasty as the Tory party but with the advantage that the true scope of their nastiness is yet to be inflicted on the country. UKIP has two key policies that no Tory, fearful of losing his seat on the gravy train, simply cannot resist - leaving the EU and closing the immigration door to Johnnie Foreigner. The appeal of UKIP to the general electorate should not, however, be underestimated. Immigration is not popular, indeed it never has been, while the EU now seems so far removed from the concerns of ordinary people that it has become increasingly irrelevant. The electorate feels betrayed, with all the major parties seeming to ignore their concerns while our economic problems, despite the EU, seem beyond the ability of any British politician to solve. Why can't we make things anymore? Why can't we build houses? Why are we getting poorer and poorer while the rich seem to get ever richer. Why can't we control criminal corporations and banks? Why does Britain need an ever-expanding population made up of foreigners? UKIP provides simple answers to these questions. Get out of the EU and close to door to Johnny Foreigner and everything else will fall into place. No wonder desperate Tory MP's are casting envious eyes in the direction of UKIP and thanking their lucky stars they have such a convenient bolthole.