The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Saturday 13 April 2019

Farage is Back!

Nigel Farage has made a comeback with his new Brexit party having decided that UKIP is too right-wing. Britain's very own Judas Goat is up in arms (and in the money once again) because he feels the need to "change politics" and save us all from those who would stop Brexit. "I said that if I did come back into the political fray it would be no more Mr Nice Guy and I mean it," he told us, though his definition of what makes for a "Nice Guy" seems somewhat problematic. He then trundled out his latest acolyte, Annunziata Rees-Mogg, sister to Jacob Rees-Mogg Member of Parliament for the 18th century. ""We've got to rescue our democracy from those who want a second referendum" she told her audience. "We have got to show that the people of this country have a say in how we are run without actually asking them." Earlier in the day Farage said on the BBC Radio 4's Today programme that ""In terms of policy, there's no difference to UKIP except for the obvious racism which we in the Brexit party are determined to keep under wraps". He then promised that the new Brexit party would be "deeply intolerant of all intolerance" except for that directed at foreigners, those who disagree with them and anyone trying to close down the offshore banking scam. "The Brexit party will represent a cross section of society", he added, "especially Daily Mail readers, moronic bigots and my American mates who want to asset strip the NHS" After the conference, as the delegates tucked into their chlorinated chicken lunch, Farage granted "The News In Shorts" an exclusive interview. "You just can't trust established right-wing politicians", he sighed. "They will insist on letting the cat out of the bag. Some things have to be kept from the British public for their own good." "Such as?," our reporter asked. "Well you know, things like protecting offshore banking from the nasty evil people who want rich people like me to pay their fair share of taxes, those who want health care free at the point of need and the truth about our abject efforts to get trade deals from foreigners who know we're desperate. That sort of thing". "But surely you want to represent a cross section of society and I thought you didn't like foreigners," our reporter suggested. "When I say a cross section of our society I mean, of course, those better sort of people who don't want to pay tax. And, of course, there's foreigners and then there's foreigners. I like those wiling to grease my palm. It's the other sort I don't approve of - those who want to protect employment rights and the like. Basically the EU. Would you like some of this lovely chlorinated chicken?".

Friday 12 April 2019

Why Did Brexit Get So Ugly?

So, how did Brexit get so ugly? It began with David Cameron who decided to give the British people a referendum on their membership of the EU. His reason was quite simple - he wanted to shut up the likes of Jacob Rees-Mogg, frightened that his offshore banking scam would soon be outlawed by the EU, in his own party and take the wind out of the sails of Nigel Farage and UKIP. It was a short-sighted political decision made by a lazy Prime Minister and against all advice to the contrary. From the beginning then Brexit wasn't exactly a pretty proposition. Cameron, after a lack-lustre Remain campaign, lost the referendum and promptly resigned so that someone else could clear up the political mess he had created. Meanwhile, after a campaign noted only for the lies, deceptions and pure fantasy, the Leave campaigners went into overdrive - crowing about their "majority" which consisted of only 37% of those entitled to vote in the referendum and threatening the EU with all kinds of dire consequences if they didn't do as they were told. Ignoring the fact that a Labour MP, Jo Cox, had been assassinated by a right wing Brexiteer nutter, the likes of Boris Johnson (having changed sides in the campaign when he thought he might become Prime Minister), Michael Gove (who stabbed Boris in the back as soon as the campaign was over) and Jacob Rees-Mogg (Member of Parliament for the 18th century) began waving the Union Flag and promised us all that the EU would soon crumble in the face of our obvious superiority. Liam Fox set off around the world to deliver the promised free trade agreements and Theresa May (the surprise winner in the "Who The Fuck's In Charge Now" competition) set off to handbag those Johnnie Foreigners in Europe. Unfortunately Liam Fox soon found that negotiating cap-in-hand with the rest of the world who knew that the UK was desperate wasn't going to be "the easiest thing in the world" after all. India said, "Yes, of course. But in return we want open access for 700 million of our citizens who would dearly love to move to the UK". The United States said, "Yes, of course. But we want to buy up the NHS at bargain basement prices and have unlimited access for our chlorinated chickens". Theresa May found that her handbag was taken from her by EU security and settled down to be told what the EU were willing to give her. It was not all disaster to be fair. Liam Fox managed to get an interim trade deal with the Faroe Islands and Nepal while Theresa May managed to get her handbag back when she returned home. With great aplomb she then wielded her handbag in Parliament only to find that almost the entire House of Commons had donned handbag proof vests. Having failed to get her deal through Parliament three times, while denying a less than impressed British electorate a second vote on the whole sorry mess, she then pushed back the deadline for leaving the EU not once but twice. She also reached across the House for Jeremy Corbyn to help her and take some of the blame hoping that her action, two years too late, would elevate her to leader of the Labour party. With her own party hopelessly split she failed to notice the referendum had also split the entire country down the middle or that an increasingly vocal neo-Nazi movement had taken Brexit as an excuse to be as nasty and violent as they'd always wanted to be. How did Brexit get so ugly? It was always ugly. A bunch of Tory and UKIP conmen, afraid that their offshore banking scam was in danger or hating all foreigners because they were foreigners, had lied, deceived and over-promised their way to victory. With their lies and promises nailed for the rubbish they are, their only alternative is to continue waving the flag, talk big and now tell us that the Brexit recession will all be over within 50 years. Welcome to the sunny uplands.