The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Tuesday 10 November 2020

Trump Tries To Promote A New Civil War.

Donald Trump is throwing his dummy out of the pram. He has lost the election because he's an idiot and, because he's an idiot, he cannot accept the result of the election. His intransegence, however, is threatening the very basis of US democracy as it also threatens the lives of thousands of American citizens as Coronavirus rips through the country. His accusations of voter fraud are clearly nonsense but many in the Republican party are willing to go along with it for their own short-term political advantage. They are risking the entire basis of America's much vaunted democracy for their own ends - something that is little short of treason. Trump, with the aid of the GOP and the right-wing press, is trying to stage a coup d'etat and set himself up as a monarch. The only route by which he can achieve this is to cross a modern American Rubicon and call out his crazed supporters to spark a new Civil War. America is standing on the brink and Trump's boss, Vladimir Putin, can hardly believe his luck.

Friday 2 October 2020

Trump Contracts A Hoax.

The most stupid man ever to be elected President of the United States has contracted Coronavirus - a disease that he once described as a "Democratic Hoax". While he has been able to ignore over 200,000 deaths in his country, has encouraged right-wing madmen to roam the streets of the USA armed to the teeth, organised mass meetings with no precautions or provisions to prevent spreading the disease and has poured scorn on those wearing masks, he has now gone into isolation to prevent him from infecting others. The pity is that he wasn't placed into quarantine years ago to prevent him spreading his vile and hateful prejudices. The suspicion lingers, however, that his isolation has come at a very convenient time. His showing in the first Presidential debate was woeful. Unable to answer sensibly any questions regarding policy he was only able to heckle and insult Joe Biden in a show of bombast that demonstrated to all sensible people that he is nothing more than a playground bully. He is trailing in the polls as Americans in general and those foolish enough to vote for him last time see that the Emperor has no clothes and that he has made the once all-powerful United States into an international joke. The suspicion also arises that, like Boris Johnson in the UK, Trump will make a miraculous recovery just in time to garner sympathy for his non-existent brush with death. It is not fashionable to wish others ill, but Trump himself is no follower of fashion and has scant sympathy for others suffering from Coronavirus while he has no regard even for his own supporters - people he has openly encouraged to catch and spread the disease. As they say in the UNited States, "Kharma is a bitch".

Tuesday 15 September 2020

Enough Said

This what the mark looks like after the blackmailer tells the victim what the price is. As Americans would put it - Trump was taken down to the woodshed.

Why The UK Government Is Killing It's Own People.

We are used to the UK government killing people for money. They have no compunction in arranging the sale of arms to dodgy regimes bent on murdering people and taking backhanders from the arms industry. That's simply par for the course. They have now extended such nice little earners into the domestic sphere and are now killing UK citizens for money. When the Coronavirus pandemic began back in January 2020 they were content for us to "take it on the chin" and the idea of "herd immunity" was all the rage. When it was pointed out that, if only half the population contracted the disease and only 2% died, that would amount to a death rate of 600,000 they thought again. Some of those who died would be Tory voters it was realised. Worse yet those who died from such neglect might have relatives who voted Tory. That was a problem that needed urgent consideration. Scientists were consulted and it was clear that in order to avoid a collapse in the Tory vote next time around something would have to be done. Looking to other countries that were already in the grip of the pandemic they found that a lockdown of Britain would be needed to slow the spread of the virus and an efficient test and trace system would be needed to pinpoint hotspots. Afraid that their business donors would be very unhappy with a lockdown Boris and his mates in cabinet hesitated and the disease consequently took off like a rocket. Reluctantly they imposed a lockdown when it was already too late and looked around for a solution to the biggest problem they faced. How could they and their rich mates makes a profit out of this? The answer was twofold. With British healthworkers in dire need of PPE they handed billions of public funds to their rich mates who had no experience or expertise in this area and received, in return, a trickle of PPE much of which was utterly useless. So far so good. But what about test and trace? Embarrassingly the EU offered an already existing system free of charge but, of course, that would have meant showing up Brexit for the bloody stupid idea it is so that was out. The answer, as far as the Tories were concerned, was obvious. The UK would produce its own "world beating" test and trace system by the the already tried and tested system of throwing huge amounts of public money at private companies with no experience or expertise in this area either. Better yet they could disguise this act of wholesale malficience by labelling it the "NHS Test and Trace System". Not only would the Tories rich mates then rake it in they could blame the NHS when it all went tits up. Result! Having diverted billions of pounds of public money into the hands of their rich and ever-greedy mates all they had to do was wait for some of the money to come back to them in the form of "donations". A national disaster was now a win/win situation for the party beloved of Brexiteers and other morons. The looming second wave of the pandemic is proving to be a bit trickier however. Massaging the death figures has proven to be only partially successful since getting on for 50,000 deaths is still difficult to explain let alone the nearly 70,000 who have actually died from the disease. It is also difficult to hide from an ever-increasing number of the possibly infected that the test and trace system is a joke and they have more chance of winning the lottery than of getting a test within 100 miles of where they live. We are at a crossroads in this national disaster and the Tories are faced with a dilemma. How can they rip off the country for a second time and get away with it? Time for plan B. Let's break international law and divert attention back to Brexit, after all blming foreigners for something they haven't actually done has always worked in the past.

Thursday 10 September 2020

Operation Moonshine

Boris "Sicknote" Johnson has made yet another huge policy decision and inaugurated what he has dubbed "Operation Moonshot" - a £100 billion programme to test everyone in the UK for coronavirus. Having visited the magic money orchard and inspected the tree for his Irish Sea Bridge, the tree for HS2, the tree for MP's latest pay raise and the tree for his next tax cut for his rich mates, he has decided that there is enough small change left over to fund yet another scheme. Apart from the question that, having tested everyone in the country, how do you prevent them from catching it a week later there is the vexed question of how this can be achieved when we can't even test all those with symptoms yet. To be fair the name given to this "opearation" is a little better than the one he coined for obtaining enough ventilators - "Operation Last Gasp" (remember that inspired piece of comedy?). Nor should it be forgotten that this a brilliant way to funnel a huge amount of public money into private hands in line with the policy of industrial-scale asset stripping of the country. Then there is the minor point that the technology needed for such a programme, testing nearly 70 million people every week, simply doesn't exist. This isn't "Operation Moonshot" it's "Operation Moonshine".

Monday 7 September 2020

Boris And His Latest Confidence Trick.

The UK's Clown Prince, Boris the Serial Liar, has today decided to tear up our agreement with the EU over Northern Ireland and, once again, dragged the reputation of the country through the mud. He has tried to explain this away by kidding everyone that the changes he wants to make are "minor clarifications in extremely specific areas". However, as the EU has pointed out "full implementation" of the agreement is a "prerequisite for the negotiations on the future partnership". Of course this doesn't bother Sicknote Boris in the least since he never intended a deal and is quite content to trash the UK's economy to protect the Tory offshore banking scam. Various spokesmen for the Tory Organised Crime Syndicate have toured the news studios today talking about us having the same trade deal with the EU as Australia. Australia, it should be noted, doesn't actually have a trade deal with the EU and does business with it on WTO terms. So it might be a good time to remind readers as to what WTO rules actually means. The WTO is not a trade organization but a set of basic rules by which nations that do not have trade agreements with each can trade without upsetting other countries. It is a framework of tariffs that are recognised by the rest of the world as a minimum restraint on trade to prevent the dumping of goods to undercut other suppliers. Thus China, that would love to flood the world with cheap steel to destroy other nation's steel industries, are prevented from doing so by everyone agreeing to place tariffs on Chinese steal thus putting its price up. For the UK to trade with the EU on WTO terms means that tariffs will be placed on British manufactured goods. Since we have no trade deals with anyone else, apart from Nepal and the Faroe Islands, that will destroy our manufacturing industry and encourage comapnies to shift production from the UK to the EU that does have trade deals with most of the world. Why would the Tories such a thing? Surely that can't be in our interests? Well no, it isn't. It is, however, in the interests of the rich and greedy who are far more concerned with the EU's stance against offshore banking than they are with what happens to the plebs. In any well-run country this would be seen as treason. Unfortunately in the UK economic suicide at the behest of a bunch of conmen is regarded as patriotism while Brexit supporters are probably the most stupid people in the world.

Saturday 5 September 2020

Why Is Trump So Afraid Of Putin?

Asked about the poisoning of Alexi Navalny President Trump avoided the subject and suggested instead that attention should be on China. Of course this is not the first time that an opponant of Putin has been poisoned both in Russia and abroad while many others have died under suspicious circumstances so perhaps he has a point. We've come to expect such behaviour from the Russians so what's the point of drawing attention to it? Yet Trump has served Putin's higher-level objectives - dividing the United States internally, eroding solidarity with European allies and reducing the projection of American power abroad which has the effect of enhancing that of an otherwise much diminished Russia. At the same time Trump has ignored his own intelligence agencies with regard to the 2016 Presidential election and has done his best to undermine the American system of government itself. So what did Trump and Putin talk about in the sixteen private conversations they've had over the last four years? in July 2015 Robert Mueller, former director of the FBI, testified that Putin had "blackmail leverage over Donald Trump during the 2016 campaign". What, then, could Trump be possibly blackmailed with? The possibilities are endless but the two main theories centre on his visit to Russia in 2013 and the election campaign of 2016. The first suggests that Trump engaged the services of two prostitutes while in Moscow which was filmed by the Russian intelligence service. This is quite likely since the Russians have never been known to miss the opportunity to get compromising information on visiting western businessmen while Trump's sexual proclivities are well known. The second involves Trump and his family's dealings with Russia during the election. Primarily there were ongoing secret commercial negotiations between Trump and a Russian oligarch for the building of a huge hotel in Moscow which required the personal support of Putin. This in itself would be illegal for a Presidential candidate but, as Mueller suggested, the worst crime was that in order to facilitate the deal and further Putin's foreign policy objectives Trump conspired with Putin for Russia to interefere in the 2016 election. The election of Trump would, under such circumstances, be a grubby deal that amounts to treason. Little wonder that Trump would be so shy of criticising Putin and little wonder that US foreign policy would seem so subservient to Russian interests. Of course there is an alternative explanation - that Trump is simply a buffoon. Either way he is the worst candidate at the worst possible time in world history.

Boris Johnson: Evil Mastermind or Thick Twat?

It is the burning political question in the UK today. Is Boris Johnson an evil mastermind or simply a thick twat educated beyond his intelligence and in office because of his privileged background? The evidence is somewhat difficult to interpret and any conslusion obscured by his popularity. On the one hand he's been sacked from just about every job he's ever had for lying in a completely unconvincing manner while his former boss, Sir Max Hastings, has described him as "unfit for national office, because it seems he cares for no interest save his own fame and gratification" and that "blame (for his premiership) will rest with the Conservative party, which is about to foist a tasteless joke upon the British people – who will not find it funny for long." He has the morals of an ally cat, leaving his former wife as she faced cancer for a blonde bimbo 24 years his junior who was pregnant with his second illegitimate child. For good measure Boris has also described the children of single mothers as "ill-raised, ignorant, aggressive and illegitimate." Well he should know. But what of his track record as a political figure? This has been marked by some rather bizzare decisions on his part. There was the £40 million spaffed up the wall on his London garden bridge scheme and the £320,000 spent on three useless water cannons when he was Mayor of London. Fortunately his idea of creating "Boris Island" in the Thames estuary as an alternative London airport was quickly put to one side by the Airports Commission in 2014 before he could waste any money on it. Since becoming Prime Minister he has a new scheme on which to waste time - his proposal for a bridge between Scotland and Northern Ireland. With a cost estimated to be upwards of £20 billion, Boris believes that it would "strengthen the union" between England, Scotland and Northern Ireland in the fraught Brexit times ahead. Unfortunately engineers have branded the scheme as a "thoughtless soundbite" that "no sane contractor or responsible government" would sanction. This then is the man who has overseen the Coronavirus pandemic which has resulted in close to 70,000 excess deaths in the UK and to a massaging of the figures to bring them down to a more comfortable 45,000 on the basis that if victims survive more than 28 days after catching the disease then they don't count. He is also the man who is cheerfully putting at risk the entire UK economy on a Brexit no-deal in order to save the Tories favourite scam - offshore banking - while showing Johnney Foreigner "what's what". So evil mastermind or thick twat? Strangely enough he seems to be both. A thick twat with a masterplan that would put Baldrick to shame, an idiot willing to destroy his country for a dubious mention in the history books, a moron with ambtions to be a second-rate Moriarty.

Thursday 3 September 2020

Does Coronavirus Make People Stupid?

One of the least expected results of the Coronavirus pandemic is the sudden outbreak of utter stupidity across the world. Despite the knowledge that the virus spreads because of the movement of people holiday-makers are packing themselves into the confines of aeroplanes and sitting on crowded beaches in defiance of all common sense. Worse still are the conspiracy nuts who insist that its all a hoax and an attempt to take away their "freedom" or a sinister plot to inject them with tracking devices through a still non-existent vaccine. Of all these conspiracy theories the most idiotic is that President Trump is waging a secret war against Satan-worshipping elite paedophiles. Spread by an organisation of idiots called QAnon these morons would have us believe that Donald Trump, a close friend of that well-known and now safely dead paedophile and child-trafficker Jeffery Epstein, is leading a fight against these non-existent bogeymen that will end in mass executions. Now Donald Trump is many things, but a crusader against child-trafficking? Really? The man who once said that he could "grab a woman by the pussy" any time he likes and openly admitted he would like to bonk his own daughter? The kindest thing to say about these brainless morons is that they are confused, but they represent a real danger to the rest of us who still have working brain cells. Their half-baked theories are undermining efforts to contain the virus as they organise mass rallies in major cities from Boston to Berlin, refusing to wear masks and ignoring social distancing. Most pernicious of all perhaps, they are also polluting the internet - turning what should be an information highway into a misinformation highway. Forget anything you may have heard about sinister dark figures plotting the death of millions, the real conspiracy is a conspiracy of idiots driven by a bovine herd mentality and fuelled by an inability to seperate fact from fantasy. That is the real pandemic, a virus that is driving the human race back to dragging its knuckles in the dirt.

Wednesday 2 September 2020

BBC Launches New Comedy Show - "You Know You've Lost The Argument When....."

Following pressure from various neo-Nazi, pro-Brexit and tax-dodging billionaire organizations the BBC has launched a purge of left-wing comedy programmes. According to the Daily Telegraph the BBC is “unfairly biased against the Tories, Donald Trump and Brexit” and is therefore guilty of poking fun at the most inept government in the UK's history, the most dangerous and moronic President that the US has ever elected and the most stupid political idea since Caligula made his horse a senator. Shows such as BBC 4's "The Now Show" and TV's "Have I Got News For You" are to be axed to be replaced by "Jocob Rees-Mogg's 18th Century Show" and "Have I Got Neo-Nazi Propaganda For You". The plan has reportedly run into trouble, however, as the BBC has found it difficult to recruit right-wing comedians who are actually funny. As one BBC insider told our reporter; "The trouble with right-wing supporters is that they are spectacularly unfunny when it comes to actually telling jokes. They are great if you want to pack the audience of "Question Time" but much of what they believe is more chilling than funny. At the end of the day what is funny about wanting to kill pensioners to fund future tax cuts, watching the US descend into civil war or Britain committing economic suicide? Putting some gammon on stage to scream abuse about foreigners, gays and not wearing face masks in the middle of a pandemic is only funny to demonstrate how stupid such views are. There's nothing funny about "A foreigner, a gay and a Remainer walk into a bar and are shot by a neo-Nazi thug." The other problem is that right-wing supporters have no sense of humour and probably wouldn't understand a punch line anyway. We are in danger of producing right-wing comedy shows in which the audience only knows when to laugh if you hit them with a stick."