The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Tories Perform Miracles.

In an annoucement today the Tories have shown that they now possess the atributes of Jesus Christ. With the stroke of the pen they have cured hundreds of thousands of people who have previously been regarded as permanently disabled. Wheelchair uses, it turns out, are actually mobile and, as such, are no longer disabled. It has been a stunning revelation and is on a par with finding that taxing rich people more actually returns less money and that taxing poor people has no effect on final demand. Stephen Hawking when interviewed by this reporter, said; "I am filled with sheer delight at the Tories grasp of quantum physics and their ability to manipulate reality in such an adroit manner. It is final proof, if any was needed, that my book, "A Short History of Time," has had the desired effect of drawing politicians attention to the wonderful world of the unbelievable. I'm so glad that I'm no longer designated as disabled that I plan to climb Mount Everest next week to celibrate." Andrew Lansley has warmly welcomed this development. "I intend to recategorise all hospital patients as fit and healthy next week and remove, once and for all, any need for the NHS." Meanwhile, Ian Duncan Smith has announced his intention to label the uemployed as "employmentally challenged" clearing the old register overnight. "There is no end to the possibilities," David Cameron told the BBC. "It really is the dawn of an exiting new world."

Retraction of Cameron Story

Our reporter in Tottenham would like to make this apology to our readers for his previous story regarding David Cameron. "I'm afraid I made a terrible error in reporting that David Cameron visited Tottenham today. It was, of course, not David Cameron but Nick Clegg. My only defence for this glaring error is that they are very similar in appearance and tend to wear the same suits and old school tie. Under normal circumstances I can tell the difference between one person and another, but, in the case of Cameron and Clegg, that is becoming increasingly difficult. Normally Cameron is accompanied by his wife, while Clegg tends to drag a hapless Vince Cable around with him. Unfortunately Vince Cable was in hospital today after making a sudden and unexpected recovery from the coma he's been in for the last twelve months (see Vince Cable Discovers Bankers Are a Bunch of Crooks)and Clegg had a woman with him this time. (She, apparently, had nothing to do with the Deputy PM and was later found to be carrying a bucket of blue paint for no evident reason.) I hope readers will accept this abject apology and trust that even further cases of mistaken identity will be forgiven in advance."

David Cameron Visits Tottenham

In a whistlestop tour of Britain David Cameron, the Prime Minister of Chiantishire, has revisited Tottenham. "I've come to see how my idea for the 'Big Society' is getting on," he told reporters before going on to speak to potential Tory voters. "I think its marvelous how ordinary people have come together in Tottenham and demonstrated their resolve to work together," he said, surveying the devastation in Tottenham High Street. "If they can only summon up the same sense of community to clear up the mess they made when they rioted we're in business!" Commenting on the conspicuous lack of any help from government the Crime Minister told reporters; "I believe in small government - so small that its difficult to see its there unless you happen to be paying your taxes. It is not government's business to interfere in ordianry people's lives when they're doing as they're told. No, our government is dedicated to those things governments can do well - transferring money from the poor to the rich, destroying public services and removing all hope from the country."

Banks Warn Homeowners.

Two high street banks, both of whom were bailed out at taxpayers expense, are warning their customers to cut back on household budgets in order to service their mortgage debt. "People who have been desperate enough to take on huge mortgages to buy into a house market deliberately inflated by us should make sure they've got their priorities right," a banking representative warned, wagging a finger at our reporter. "The most important thing in any efficient economy is that banks should be allowed to run amok whenever they like and that they should have full and unfettered access to everybody else's money." Asked about bankers bonuses, the spokesman stated firmly; "Bankers bonuses are a necessary part of the banking system. If we don't pay them how will we recruit the calibre of reckless gambler needed for our business? One of the main skills bankers need is barefaced cheek and paying bonuses helps people to do this without blushing."

Banks Discover That Debt Is a Bad Thing.

The Bank of International Settlements has stated today that debt is a really, really bad idea and should be stamped out. Asked why banks have been actively encouraging debt for the last 30 years or so a spokesperson for BIS told this reporter; "Encouraging debt, us? You can hardly blame us for private sector business, national governments and ordinary housholds being in debt. The fact that we used other people's money to gamble, created a world-wide property bubble, made borrowing ridiculously easy and then demanded that taxpayers should bail us out isn't an excuse for people to run up debt. We should have been regulated properly. Of course, it's too late for that now and the only solution is more deregulation so we can make one big score and solve all our problems overnight."

Vince Cable Finds Banks To Be Crooks.

Vince Cable has discovered that banks are actually a bunch of crooks, it was revealed today. "They are trying to dodge regulation by citing the present economic chaos that they caused in the first place," the Minister for Funny Business stated in apparent amazement. "Why would they do such a thing?" he asked wringing his hands with anguish. A spokesman for the Banking Association, Anthony Fiddler, commented; "Now is not the time for regulation with all this economic chaos going on. Regulation could mean that we're no longer allowed to indulge our addiction to gambling with other people's money and where would that leave us all?" Asked to intervene in the growing row, Prime Minister Without Portfolio David Cameron told the Italian press, "The banks have a point. Gambling with other people's money is an honourable profession. The Tories do it everytime we get elected into office."

Tuesday, 30 August 2011

Religious Dingbats Oppose Abortion.

Religious dingbats have today staked their claim over other people's lives in a move designed to bring us the "benefits" of America's "bible belt" politics. Incapable of original thought and determined to ape the Republican party in the US, members of the "mad as a bag of snakes" tendency in the Tory party want to outlaw abortion - at least for the "lower classes." Asked for his comments William Hague gave them his heartfelt backing. "As the victim of abortion myself I can see where they're coming from."

Andy Coulson; Scumbag But He's Our Scumbag.

Andy Coulson was found to be not guilty today of being underhand concerning his severance payments from News International by a bunch of people appointed to find rich people "not guilty." "He might be an unprincipled scumbag," they commented, "but his association with the Tory party was positively saintly. And don't forget everyone, except rioters, deserves a second chance." Asked for his opinion David Cameron, caught shopping for a new suitcase, replied "Who? Never heard of him. Is he related to the Shropshire Coulsons?"

Minister at the Foreign Office is Stupid

In a shock revelation today a senior Minister with the Foreign Office has been found to be stupid after waving a "confidential" memo at reporters outside No.10. "These things happen," William Hague said afterwards. "If we sacked every minister who was thick and totally incapable of understanding what "confidential" means we'd have nobody left in government would we." Our reporter, faced with this remorseless logic, had to agree.

Eric Pickles Now in Touch With Public Mood.

In a determined effort to demonstrate that he's in touch with the public mood, Eric pickles has thrown his not inconsiderable weight behind the campaign to save Britain's bowling greens. "I've decided to grasp this thorny issue of national importance in order to prove, once and for all, that the Tory party is a party of the people," he told reporters. "All too often, as I've toured the country in my capacity as Minister for Local Mismanagement, I've noted the parlous state of our bowling greens and the distress this causes local people. It's time to fight back and put this important policy at the centre of our political agenda." A straw poll taken in the centre of Liverpool was inconclusive as 90% of those asked made rude gestures and threatened to kill the polster.

Monday, 29 August 2011

Do English Students Qualify as Human?

English students in Scotland have been roundly criticised by the government today for claiming that English people actually have human rights. "Only foreigners have human rights," an unnamed government spokesperson maintained. "You know, Libyans and the like. People who live a long way away from Britain and have never had the benefit of our civilized ways. Human rights? They'll be demanding political choice next for God's sake."

Good Old Fashioned Tory Values

"Britain has made a welcome return to good old-fashioned Tory values," David Cameron has announced. "The Conservative party was founded on three principles - the Crown, the Empire and the Church of England - all of which, I'm sure you'll agree, have great relevance to us today. Oh, and supporting bankers in their quest for the winning bet - I nearly forgot that."

Regulating the Banks

In a shock announcement today the bankers association has said they don't think regulating the banks is a good idea. "We know we got it wrong last time," a spokesperson for the association said, "but if you'll let us use your money again we have a dead cert this time - honest." David Cameron has indicated that he finds this argument persuasive. "I know a good idea when I see it," he said, "that's why I'm a Tory."

Land Speculators

David Cameron has expressed his shock that land speculators have been hoarding plots up and down the country ahead of proposed changes to the planning laws. "How did they know?" the Prime Minister asked. "Has there been a leak?" No David, its called corruption.

No Legal Aid When Suing the NHS

In a bid to prevent patients complaining about the utter destruction of their hospitals the Government has withdrawn legal aid when suing the NHS. "Everyone agrees with our plans to make the NHS worse and we will not tolerate anyone saying they don't," a Government source close to the PM said. "We will not have people ruining the NHS by suing them for malpractice. Ruining the NHS is our job."

Free Schools.

Michael Gove wants to encourage more "free schools" it was reported today. "I am particularly interested in encouraging faith schools," the Minister for Reeducation has said. "What we need in this country is more not less irrational thinking. Britain has lagged badly behind in this, while countries like Iran and North Korea have shot ahead. And think about this, what rational person would vote Tory. You see my point?"

Jobless To Pay Full Council Tax.

Jobless people will have to pay full council tax while millionaires will still be allowed to dodge paying taxes it was revealed today. "We feel that this is a fair and equitable arrangement," a Tory spokesperson said. "People with no money must be made to realise that being poor will no longer be tolerated and we intend to stamp it out even if that means making the poor even poorer."

World Leaders Disappear.

The United Nations has launched an investigation today after it was revealed that two national leaders seem to have vanished. "We can understand this in the case of Colonel Gaddafi," a UN spokesperson said. "But we are at a loss to understand the complete disappearance of David Cameron. We are continuing our search under various rocks both in Libya and Tuscany but have so far drawn a blank."

Volunteering. Wave Of The Future!

Taking time off from his busy holiday schedule David Cameron has unexpectedly popped back to Britain this weekend in order to monitor the movement from paid work to volunteering. "This is going better than I expected," the Prime Minister said, expressing his pleasure at the latest unemployment figures.

Planning Laws To Be Modified.

In what has been described as a stroke of genius by adoring fans of Toryism Grant Schapps, Minister for Housing, has suggested relaxing planning laws to allow people to moor their boats wherever they fancy. That's solved that problem then!