Tories Fail In Bid To Protect Their Crminal Banking Mates

David Cameron and George Osborne are in glum mood tonight after failing in their attempt to protect the outrageous bonus culture in the banking industry from controls imposed by the EU. Both have been heard to mutter darkly about "the brightest and best banking executives leaving the country". Our reporter immediately repaired to Heathrow airport where he battled his way through the crowds of banking executives heading out of the country in order to interview some of them. "I for one cannot remain in a country where honest crooks can't do what they like," one banking executive told our man. "I'm off to Russia where men of my caliber and lack of morals are still welcome. I pity the poor City of London which will now have to put up with honest bankers determined to work within the rules. Its a tragedy." Another banking executive with his weeping family in tow added; "This is the last straw as far as I'm concerned, I'm getting out before Labour get in and tax my £50 million ex-council house in the East End. What the British people have failed to understand is that I represent the very pinnacle of evolution within the business world with high degrees of dishonesty, greed and smug self-satisfaction - all the things that are demanded in banking. Before you know it British banking will be filled with second-rate Captain Mainwarings working in the interests of their customers instead of keeping British banking where it belongs - at the forefront of organised crime." Meanwhile Tory cabinet members are reported to be in a state of utter despair; "How will we support ourselves after we've been thrown out of power?" one distraught minister asked our reporter. "Without a nice juicy banking directorship to fall back on most of us will be reduced to living off a measly £300 a day in the House of Lords until the Labour party turn it into an elected chamber. Then where will we be? Some of us will have to get real jobs and face the shame of having to work in trade. Oh the ignominy of it all, oh the inhumanity."

Banks Warn Homeowners.

Two high street banks, both of whom were bailed out at taxpayers expense, are warning their customers to cut back on household budgets in order to service their mortgage debt. "People who have been desperate enough to take on huge mortgages to buy into a house market deliberately inflated by us should make sure they've got their priorities right," a banking representative warned, wagging a finger at our reporter. "The most important thing in any efficient economy is that banks should be allowed to run amok whenever they like and that they should have full and unfettered access to everybody else's money." Asked about bankers bonuses, the spokesman stated firmly; "Bankers bonuses are a necessary part of the banking system. If we don't pay them how will we recruit the calibre of reckless gambler needed for our business? One of the main skills bankers need is barefaced cheek and paying bonuses helps people to do this without blushing."