The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Monday, 31 December 2012

Osborne On Verge Of Losing Britain's AAA Credit Rating.

Although it has long been clear that George Osborne is an economic ignoramus it is only now that we find out that he's insane as well. Having flattened the economy in order to "save" it in a purely ideological sense, he is now quite happy to stand aside as his one measure of success, Britain's credit rating, is set to disappear. The reason is quite understandable - for anyone other than a Tory that is - since an economy in recession is not a good bet when you are an international money lender. Still at least George will be able to count the pennies he's saved even as the pounds - in their billions - leave the country at a rate of knots. This sorry state of affairs is the direct consequence of believing that a nation's economy can be compared to that of a household - a Tory conceit invented by that other ignoramus, Margaret Thatcher, to sell the idea of permanent recession to the peasants. Deliberately shrinking the economy, especially during a recession, could only be thought a good idea by those who crave tax cuts for themselves above everything else. Osborne and his fellow Tory morons might believe that they are "saving" money but they are losing it at an even faster rate - as anyone with a working brain cell will see when looking at Britain's growing national debt. And, as the money continues to disappear, the answer from the Tories is to make the poor pay and take even more purchasing power out of the economy. The Tories can no longer hide behind their bankrupt ideology, nor can they claim ignorance in the face of economic facts. They are not fit to govern Britain and must be removed as soon as possible before they inflict terminal damage on the country. And, once removed, they should be tried for treason.

Ian Duncan Smith: The Banal Face Of Evil.

It has been said that the true horror of real evil is how banal it is and no one is more banal than Ian Duncan Smith. Filled with outrage at the way in which public money has been wasted to support the scandalously low wages in Britain his solution, outlined in the "Telegraph" today, is to keep the low wages and cut the support. How exactly this is supposed to work is beyond all comprehension - it is certainly beyond IDS's comprehension. His argument for doing this is somewhat murky to say the least but seems to be along the lines that cutting tax credits will "save" the country money and restore the pride that ordinary people should feel for their poverty. Now correct me if I'm wrong but pauperising the population is quite unlikely to help anyone, especially business which will be the first to feel the affects of falling demand. There is little joy in seeing your corporate tax bill cut if you receive the news in the bankruptcy courts. The point of the tax credit system is that it supports not only the underpaid worker but also the businesses who cannot afford to pay a living wage. The one weakness of the system was not the largely ficticious hoard of benefit "scroungers" but the number of hugely wealthy corporations who refuse to pay living wages, even though they can afford to do so, and then have the sheer gall to avoid paying their taxes as well. As usual in his religious zeal to smite the ungodly IDS has lashed out at the vulnerable instead. Having seen off the unemployed, the sick and the disabled IDS has now set his sights on that other notorious "scrounger" - the ordinary man or woman with a badly paid job. Apparently then "strivers" can be "scroungers" too. If evil is banal, then stupidity is even more so and no one is more banal, stupid and evil than Ian Duncan Smith.

Sunday, 30 December 2012

Cameron Turns His Back On The Country To Lead The Charge.

David Cameron has taken time out of his busy schedule, thinking great thoughts, drinking Cianti and counting his money, to tell the country that wrecking the economy is good for us. "We cannot compete in the world with a millstone of debt around our necks," he informed us as he proceeded to put that debt up. "We are going in the right direction," he further told us, as the economy continues to sink out of sight. "We support the strivers not the skivers," he proudly announced as unemployment continues to sap the strength of the country and wages for most of us continue to shrink. The truth is, of course, that Cameron supports only the already wealthy while the vast majority of us he considers to be "skivers." His message is clear - only a small minority in the country are of any account and we have no right to expect our government to lend a helping hand unless we are already millionaires. Money is now the measure of all things and you either have it, in which case you are already the member of a very small club, or you haven't and neither Cameron nor the Tory party have any time for you. The Tories have locked us all into a struggle for the heart and soul of the country and they have the advantage because they have neither heart nor soul. We will not be allowed to rise above our station, either through the earning of decent wages nor through the alternative of state assistance in education, the redistribution of wealth, healthcare or even decent working conditions. The Tory vision for the future is as clear as a bell - you, the individual, are on your own and should expect nothing from those above.

Monday, 24 December 2012

Cameron Plays The Religion Card.

We have become somewhat used to Ian Duncan Smith spouting his religious mumbo-jumbo while giving the unemployed and disabled a good kicking. It's part of his "personality" and his self-image as a Victorian era "you have to be cruel to be kind" evangelist. Religion has played only a peripheral role in modern British politics following several centuries when the English spent far too much time murdering each other over schisms in the Christian fairy tale. Following the reforms of the last 150 years its grip has gradually slipped - until now that is. Religion is once again on the agenda as new cultures have taken root in the country and sparked off another round of "my invisible friend in the sky is better than yours" idiocy. Now, in the wake of Ian Duncan Smith's vile brand of self-justification, we have David Cameron spouting things such as "Jesus is the light of the world" to give himself cover for being the most divisive, vicious and prejudiced Prime Minister since Margaret Thatcher had a go. It works in the United States so why not in the UK? Unfortunately his attempt to harness IDS's vacuous religious underpinnings for kicking the vulnerable and rewarding the already smug and self-satisfied has rung hollow in the Church of England because of Cameron's conversion to gay marriage. A throw-away line designed to augment his "liberal" credentials it had the unintended effect of annoying many in the CofE who have nasty little prejuduces of their own. So this Christmas religion, if not exactly centre-stage, has been given a completely unwarrented walk-on part in the Parliamentary pantomine we call politics. Lord Carey, the former Archbishop of Canterbury, has welcomed Cameron's overtly Christian Christmas message this year concluding that the PM is "a good man and he deserves our encouragement." No he isn't and no amount of insincere religious claptrap will make him one.

Friday, 21 December 2012

NRA Sense A Business Opportunity.

You have to hand it to the National Rifle Association (NRA) they don't miss a trick. In the wake of the Sandy Hook massacre they have come out fighting today and are eager to sell the line that the solution of too many guns is - more guns. Knowing, as a any good salesman does, that an objection is merely an opportunity to sell, they have sought to overturn the objections of parents who don't like to see their children gunned down and turn it into an opportunity to sell even more guns. Better yet they see it as an opportunity to expand their role in American society and cash in by offering their expertise for a scheme to have armed guards at every school in the country. "The only protection against bad guys with guns is good guys with guns," they told the nation in all seriousness, without outlining how they would differentiate between the two. "The only way to protect our dear, innocent children," they suggested, "is to incarcerate them in a bunker bristling with weapons." What do they want, schools that look more like the Maginot Line than centres of learning and excellence? Well yes, actually. That, apparently, is the only way to protect children against those who play violent computer games (usually other children) and those who see the gun as the answer to everything (such as the NRA). Sensitive as ever, they timed their press conference to coincide with the two-minute silence for the victims of the Sandy Hook massacre. Like I say, you have to hand it to them.......

The End Of The World: How Was It For You?

I was waiting for a train when the world ended today and, I must say, I was very disappointed. I suppose it was the only sort of end of the world one could expect during these times of austerity - one without any of the trimmings. The sky didn't turn blood red, there was no ten-mile high tsaunami and Jesus didn't appear in the sky. All a bit of a damp squib if you ask me. Of course here in Britain the Tories will blame Labour and assure us all that they will "cut the deficit and not the apocolypse." Meanwhile thousands of "survivalists" will be sitting around in their rubber dinghys mournfully unloading their hand guns and telling each other that this is the worst apocolypse they've ever seen. The mysterious disappearing Mayans - mysterious for not disappearing and being completely unconcerned about the end of the world - will go back to the routine involved in another and even longer "long count." The expert doomsayers will go back to their calculations and explain that they forgot to carry the "1" and the end of the world will actually be next year, or the year after that or manybe next century. The scientific community will become insuferably smug and do the round of the TV studious telling us all "I told you so." I don't know about you but I'm completely disillusioned and I won't be bothering to turn up for the next end of the world.

Thursday, 20 December 2012

The Cult Of The Nonentity.

The man pictured above in the interesting cardigan is George Entwistle, the former Director General of the BBC who managed to keep the job for a whole 54 days. In that time he managed to bring the BBC to its knees as it was engulfed by scandal and exposed as a management shambles. George Entwistle is typical of a new class of manager - the vacuous nonentity with little talent elevated into a position of responsibility not because of what he knows but because of who he knows. They are members of that elite "Don't bring me problems, bring me solutions" group of high flyers, whose instruction to underlings reflects the fact that they themselves don't actually know anything. Abrogating their responsibilities they "delgate" almost all their functions to those below them who likewise have no idea what they're doing and then spend their days playing golf, chairing "important" meetings about "diversity" and "lean management", and creatively filling in their expenses forms. And, when they are publicly exposed as the numpties they are, they are then given huge lottery-win sized golden goodbyes to prevent embarassment to those who gave them the job in the first place. This cancer within the establishment, the promotion of well-connected morons to high positions and the reward of failure, is the main driving force behind the decline of Britain and is a reflection of the idiotic class structure in this country. "Lions led by donkeys," is the phrase that increasingly comes to mind.

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Tory Wants To Make The Unemployed Even More Miserable.

Alec Shelbrooke, the Tory MP for for Elmet and Rothwell, shook his considerable double chin at voters today and demanded that they unemployed should be prevented from buying "unecessary items" such as cigarettes, alcolhol and cable TV. "We have succeeded in making many people thoroughly miserable by throwing them out of work and I feel that our work will not be complete unless we can find a way to make them even more miserable. This, I believe, will help many of the children whose parents we've forced into poverty." Not to be outdone in the "cruel to be kind" stakes the UKIP candidate Geoffrey Clark has called for the enforced abortion of Down Syndrome babies. "If the NHS in the future is rendered unaffordable, what shall be cut?" he asked potential voters in Kent. The News in Shorts favours cutting the number of scrounging politicians and would certainly endorse any plan to abort them in the womb.

Tories Give Incompetent Executives Another Reward.

Cameron has decided to give incompetent executives another means of covering their own exposed backsides at the expense of their employees. The consulatation period before giving workers the heave-ho has been cut from 90 to 45 days. "This will stimulate the economy no end," a CBI spokesman told out reporter today. "What this country is crying out for is yet another scheme to get people out of jobs with the minimum of fuss and reduce demand even further. In times of uncertaintly there is nothing like even more uncertainty to get the peasants back in line. But by far the most important point is that useless executives without the necessary qualifications to run a piss-up in a brewery will now be able to save their own necks in double-quick time and safeguard their generous pensions and richly deserved bonuses." A spokesman for the Tory party explained; "Our reforms will strike an appropriate balance between making sure employees are completely ignored and allowing employers greater certainty and flexibility to take necessary steps to restructure their own finances. Today's announcement will send a strong signal to industry that the government is committed to creating the completely one-sided labour market that it needs."

Monday, 17 December 2012

MP's Rush To Protect God Against Gay Marriage.

Fifty-eight MP's, thirty-five of them Tories, have published a letter in today's Daily Telegraph protesting at David Cameron's call to allow gay marriage in church. Having stood idly by as his vicious government has attacked the old, the unemployed and the disabled, having done nothing to save the NHS from Cameron's privatisation plans, they have the sheer brass neck to say that he has "no mandate" for gay marriage. "It was not contained in any of their manifestos, nor did it feature in the Coalition's Programme for Government," they bleat, ignoring the fact that almost nothing this bunch of spivs and conmen have done so far was in their manifestos. A move such as gay marriage would, of course, spoil their image of the world - one in which all the unemployed are feckless, the disabled are all fraudsters who are secret Paralympic gold medal-winners, old working-class people are selfishly clinging to life forcing rich people to pay tax for their pensions and the NHS is a waste of money because it only helps the poor who deserve to die anyway. Worse yet Cameron has called into question the idea that they, and only they, know what God should think. Still, it's nice to see that there is something that will get them off their idle arses, get their heads out of the expenses claims and express an honestly-held opinion - even if it is narrow-minded, irrelevant and trailing far, far behind public opinion.

Sunday, 16 December 2012

Tories Continue To Demonise Those On Benefits.

There is only one thing more two-faced than a politician and that's a Tory politician. In order to underline the point the Tory party has very kindly furnished an outstanding example of just how low they can get. The Conservative party website is running a page devoted to getting the public's view "about the fairness of our benefit reforms" and has thoughtfully provided two questions for us to ponder. Question one asks; "Should benefits increase more than wages?" Question two asks; "Do you think it’s fair that people can claim more in benefits that the average family earns through going to work?" The only possible answer to either is, of course, "No" and, as such, they represent perfect examples of the loaded question. The Tories couldn't care less what the public thinks about the "fairness" of their benefit reforms. All they care about is providing themselves with an alibi for a policy that is cruel, mean-minded and entirely indefensible. Unable to convince themselves with their own lies they have turned to the public to provide the necessary sop for their lack of conscience. Even for a political party as grubby as the Tory party this plumbs new depths but, then again, no one has ever attempted before Cameron to chart just how low the Tories can stoop in their hate campaign against the British people. Now we know.

Cameron Fed Up With Subsidizing Alcoholics.

The man who likes to call himself the Prime Minister of Great Britain has today spoken about his annoyance at having to subsidise feckless, unemployed alcoholics through his food bill. This, he claims, comes about because families like his "with a reasonable drinking habit" are “actually subsidising the binge drinker” as supermarkets increase food prices to cuts the price of wine, beer and cider. This odd conceit on the part of Cameron is difficult to defend on three counts. First there is actually no evidence that supermarkets increase food prices to subsidise cheaper prices on booze. Secondly Cameron himself is a notorious binge drinker who is often seen in public drunk and has even been known to leave his own children behind after getting sloshed in the pub. Third, and most telling of all, he is an MP and doesn't actually pay for anything at all since his household bills are paid by the taxpayer. The reason for this sudden outburst seems to lie in the way that Cameron thinks about everything. Any injustice he percieves seems to be exclusively concerned with unemployed scroungers getting something for nothing. Wealthy scroungers, such as himself, it would seem have a God-given right to get anything and everything for nothing. All crime is the result of unemployed scroungers stealing what they refuse to work for as opposed to bankers who steal what they refuse to work for and then also refuse to pay tax on what is deemed to be their "legitimate" profits. Only the poor are "binge" drinkers, while he and other rich people are merely individuals who savour fine alcoholic products in copious amounts. But Cameron is right about one thing - the feckless and largely unemployed bone idle are indeed subsidised in this country. The Royal Family, MP's, Bankers and Business Executives to name just a few. This is simply another example of Cameron raising his own self-serving and unfounded prejudices to the level of policy while completely ignoring the axiom about "people who live in glass houses."

America Celebrates Its Gun Laws With Another Ritual Slaughter.

Several years ago the actor Charlton Heston warned his government that they would have to prise his gun out of his "cold dead hand." Charlton Heston is now dead and the gun has, indeed, been prised out of his cold dead hand. The gun laws in the United States are clearly insane but, in their defence, the guns sloshing about in that country are far too numerous to do anything about it. Even if an American government did have a sudden attack of common sense and sought to control the carrying of weapons all that would happen is that the "baddies" would remain armed to the teeth while the "goodies" would be left defenceless. They are caught in a trap of their own making and have to pay for that, from time to time, with events such as that recently played out in Newtown, Connecticut. That was nothing more than the ritual slaughter of the innocents, sacrificed on the altar of America's leading religious group - the gun lobby. The American's have, since World War II at least, come to the conclusion that there is no problem that cannot be solved by shooting someone - anyone and, if possible, in large numbers. It is now part of their culture, endlessly illustrated in their films which consist mainly of square-jawed heroes killing people they don't like with a bewildering variety of guns. The American gun lobby love to say "Guns don't kill people - people kill people." The truth is that without guns Adam Lanza would have been reducued to breaking into Sandy Hook school and then throwing rocks at the children.

British Business Lends A Helping Hand To The US.

The United States loves British business. The love them because they provide them with billions of dollars to help with their deficit. Why? Because British business, almost entirely unregulated at home and with unlimited money courtesy of the British taxpayer, are little better than criminal organisations who think nothing of laundering money for drug cartels, illegally fixing inter-bank interest rates, or inflicting huge environmental damage in the Gulf of Mexico. The 7% increase in the value of Britain's top 100 companies in the FTSE has come at a huge cost - £6.4 billion in fines levied by the United States alone. Of course even these vast sums are chicken feed to such companies - after all they don't have to pay tax and, if they do get into financial difficulties, they can always help themselves to the money of those that do. The Tories are very fond of trotting out the excuse that is these companies were not allowed these privileges then they would upstakes and go somewhere else. In fact there are very few countries in the world with both the infrastructure and the lack of regulation they need to pursue their criminal activities and none where they could reasonably expect to have direct access to taxpayers money. There are also few countries in the world where they could have access to a reasonably educated workforce at such a low coast in terms of wages. The Tories also like to demonise "benefit scroungers" who, they imply, are little better than a criminal underclass. But who are bigger "benefit scroungers" than British business, relying as they do on the taxpayer subsidising low wages through Working Tax Credits, and who are no better than a criminal overclass?

Friday, 14 December 2012

The Trap Set For Labour.

George Osborne, pictured above talking to a typical member of the Tory party, is the "Master Strategist" who's come up with a cunning plan to trap Labour into an unpopular stance in the run-up to the next election. Step one was to label anyone that the Tories have thrown out of work as a "scrounger." Step two was to assure those same "scroungers" that the Tories were not talking about them but some other, ill-defined, "scrounger." Step three was to re-classify people without legs and confined to wheelchairs as "scroungers" and encouraging yobs in our society to attack them in the streets. Step four was to hold up Paralympians as heroes to divert attention away from the campaign against the disabled and demonstrate that all disabled people can actually win gold medals if they really want to. Step five - and this was the master stroke - was to get Labour to defend the weak and vulnerable against their vile attacks and thus put themselves on the wrong side of the argument. As a plan it suffers in only one particular - it puts all of us on the wrong side of the argument and will, ultimately, punish us all for having the sheer nerve to exist. It is entirely dependent on us failing to notice that the Tory party hates all of us and not just the person stood next to us. As such Labour's stance is simply the "truth you've spoken, twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools." Perhaps Osborne should read more Kipling and rely less on scripts from "Blackadder."

Google's Ratner Moment.

Eric Schmidt, the head of Google, has thought about the recent row in Britain over multinationals not paying tax and has decided that his considered reply should be "Up yours." Dodging tax and refusing to contribute to the society that supports your profits is "capitalism" apparently. "I am very proud of the structure that we set up," he told us during an interview in New York. "I am not confused about this." Really? Well perhaps he should consider a couple of other things. In a world where capitalism has forced down wages and reduced demand in the process, where the taxation system seems to offer the only hope of redressing the balance and where, despite all the hubris, the customer is still always right, he might be well advised to consider what happened to Gerald Ratner when he cheerfully admitted that his company's products were crap. People voted with their wallets and took their business elsewhere. Eric Schmidt has not said that his company's product is a piece of crap, he's told us, instead, that we are. Which is why I've changed my browser and why I urge everyone else in Britain to do so. Imagine Eric Schmidt's face if he wakes up tomorrow morning and finds that Google's business in Britain has simply ceased to exist. That, too, is capitalism.

Wednesday, 12 December 2012

HSBC Bosses Get Away With It.

The world's largest "local" bank was today found guilty of laundering billions of pounds for criminal organisations that are far from local. The man who was in charge of the bank at the time, Lord Green who is now Minister of State for Trade and Investment in Cameron's shambolic government, has made no intelligible response. This is strange since, as anyone who has ever worked in a bank knows, the money laundering laws are well known, it is relatively easy to spot and anyone who even suspects that it is going on is obliged to report it immediately to the necessary authorities. The group chief executive, Stuart Gulliver, stated that "We accept responsibility for our past mistakes," and "We have said we are profoundly sorry for them, and we do so again." And, apart from a $1.9 billion fine which will undoubtedly be paid for out of the money that we gave them, that's about it. That is even stranger since, if you or I had been caught red-handed smuggling even a measly few million in a suitcase, we would have found ourselves in prison for several decades. The idea that the whole thing came about because of a "mistake" is risible - it came about because of a deliberate disregard for the law and a systematic criminality by those who ran the bank. Who are these people who can create a giant Ponzi scheme that crashed the world economy, who are rewarded with huge bonuses for running grossly inefficient businesses, can help themselves to tax payers money to shore up their bankrupt empires and can, it now appears, commit any crime they like with personal impunity? HSBC is not the world's largest "local" bank, it's branches are merely the local offices for international organised crime.

Sunday, 9 December 2012

Tories Plan To Close Beds For Non-Paying Patients.

With the NHS under increasing pressure and the Tory party unwilling to raise taxes on the super-rich and their corporations, they have decided to square the circle by closing down thousands of beds. Those of us who have paid for the NHS all our lives will soon find ourselves locked outside though, of course, the number of private beds will remain unaffected. In a plan described as ‘shockingly irresponsible’ by Dr John Lister, director of the campaign group London Health Emergency, the Tories intend to close down 25% of all hospital beds with no clinical rationale for the move whatsoever. Essentially they are doing it so that they and their rich mates don't have to pay tax, resoning that their greed is more important than some peasant's life. And, of course, once the NHS has been privatised the price of hospital care will be all the more expensive because of a restricted supply and unlimited demand. Less in tax and the opportunity to cash in on other people's misery - its a Tory dream come true. We asked a Tory party spokesman for a comment; "We have looked at the problems of the NHS and come to the conclusion that we'll never have a better opportunity to cash in. There are many sick people out there who are simply begging to have their cash lifted while they're too weak and vulnerable to do anything about it. Its nothing personal, you understand, its just good business. Essentially we've had your money now f**k off. And don't forget, the NHS is safe in our hands, we'll cut the deficit not the NHS and all the other rubbish we have to mouth to get anyone to vote for us at all."

Britain: The End Game.

There can be little doubt that education in Britain has become the preserve of the rich while working class kids have been told that there is no point in harbouring unrealistic ambitions. To a large extent, as the present government demonstrates all to clearly, this was always true. None but the rich could ever contemplate a career as a barrister, for instance, since that career was always dependent on being rich enough to work and study without an income and because opportunity was always dependent on who you know. Academia is similarly weighted in favour of the rich for exactly the same reasons while a career in higher education is a virtual impossibility without a piece of paper from one of the only two universities that count in this country - Oxford and Cambridge. Today the "Independent" has revealed the true cost of a university education - £100,000 for those without the benefit of mommy and daddy to pay it for them and have to take out loans. The Tories, with the toady LibDems who betrayed their principles over the issue, counter this with the argument that students only have to pay this back if they get really good jobs and are paid the average wage of an office junior. Nothing could be better calculated to blunt the ambitions of an ordinary working-class or even lower middle-class kid than this. What is the point of ambition when all it will get you is a crippling debt repayment schedule? For the likes of Cameron and Osborne this is hardly an issue - their trust funds took care of their education and will take care of the education of their descendants far into the future. The unspoken truth of this is that the entire education system is based on a false assumption - that only the children of the rich can truely appreciate or deserve to benefits of a good education. The children of the poor need not apply. What, then, will Britain look like in the future? The largely uneducated being lorded over by a bunch of chinless wonders without a brain cell to share between them? Yes. It was that way for most of Britain's history and is set fair to continue, after a brief "glitch" between the end of World War II and today, into the far future.

Friday, 7 December 2012

Osborne Helps Himself To Yet More Taxpayers Money.

Tory tactics are now well established and consist of pointing an accusing finger at "scroungers" so ill-defined that anyone on benefits can discount himself and look to his neighbour. "The country is full of benefit scroungers," Osborne and Cameron tell us, "but I'm not talking about you, at least until after the next election." Then, while we are looking around at one another, the likes of Osborne are busily engaged in filling their pockets with our money. Our Chancellor has this technique of distraction, developed by pickpockets, off to a tee. While the rest of us are worried about bills, our jobs, our children's future and whether our neighbour is getting something for nothing, he is more concerned with how to get us to pay for a piece of land for him and his family through his expenses. The piece of land in question is a paddock attached to his former £1 million pound home - bought, of course, by you an me - which doesn't actually have a horse grazing on it. Obviously it was bought to increase the value of his property since Mr.Osborne doesn't actually own a horse while it's acquisition is difficult to defend on the basis that he needs it "to discharge his duties as an MP." Essentially this is legalised fraud - a trick that MP's have been playing on the rest of us since time immemorial and one that they fully intend to keep up for the foreseeable future. This is what Osborne means when he says that "we're all in it together" - we, up to our neck in debt and facing an uncertain future, Osborne and his Tory mates grabbing handfulls of public cash and planning a nice publicly funded retirement in the country. Osborne is right about one thing - the country is filled with scroungers and he is first in the queue when there's free cash in the offing. The message is clear - stop looking at each other and look at Osborne and his thieving pals.

Starbucks Gives To Charity.

In a move that has accountants lost in admiration the multi-national company Starbucks has offered HMRC a £10 million voluntary donation. We asked a Starbucks executive for his view; "Starbucks have always donated to deserving causes and there are few more deserving causes than HMRC who have been forced to go cap-in-hand to scrape enough money together to pay its own inspectors. It's tragic - on a par with any famine in Africa or any typhoon-struck third world Caribbean country. We genuinely felt sorry for them what with government cuts, creative accountancy practices and political indifference. We've seen cases of very highly-trained inspectors, some of whom actually have GCSE's in Maths, without the requisite number of beads on their abacus and struggling to catch all the plumbers out there avoiding tax. Of course we don't regard our donation as a tax payment. We've actually recorded it as a charity donation which, as you know, we can offset against our actual tax liability. We recognise that we have a responsibility to those communities that we rip off with over-priced coffee and thought it only fair to dip into the petty cash and throw them a bone. We hope that our gesture might usher in a new era where multinationals like ourselves can decide for ourselves what tax, if any, we should pay. To be honest we've been doing exactly that for years, but this is the first time anyone has noticed. Mind you we wouldn't advocate this for everyone - especially the peasants who pay their taxes though PAYE."

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Osborne Condems Britain To a Slow Death.

George Osborne wandered into Parliament today whistling his favourite song from "Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" - "Come with me and you'll be in a world of pure imagination." Finding the despatch box completely deserted because no other Minister could face admitting the truth, he decided it might be a good day to die and bravely stood to give his considered opinion on the state of the economy. "It's not good," he told us. "In fact its much worse than I thought only yesterday. Its going to get even worse soon and for much longer than I promised. Still, it's too late to do anything about it now. The good news is that I'm not going to put 3p on a litre of petrol. That's all I can say really. Oh, except for were all in this together though, of course, I'm getting richer and you're not. What else? Oh, I nearly forgot - the bankers think I'm wonderful and would lend us money at a very low rate if I could think of a good reason to borrow any and if they had any to spare." Galvanised by such a stirring speech the Tory party rallied around the Chancellor and beamed with pleasure as it was revealed that the undeserving poor would foot the bill for maintaining the lifestyles on the undeserving rich. "The Chancellor's speech has laid the foundation for future growth," a delighted Tory backbencher told our reporter. "It's a pity, of course, that the growth will be confined to the national debt, low paid work, unemployment and soup kitchens but you can't expect miracles." No, but a bit of common sense would have been nice.

The First Casualty Of Toryism.

It was Aeschylus, the Greek tragic dramatist (525 BC - 456 BC), who is credited with first saying that "In war, truth is the first casualty." He was talking about propaganda, two thousand years before that term was coined, and its role as a necessary strategy during periods of conflict. After all, how else can a government persuade its people that it is right to set aside normal civilised standards and do terrible things to the enemy? When a government kranks up the propaganda machine, therefore, it is axiomatic that some enemy is about to suffer. This week a whole raft of stories show quite conclusively that the Tories are working overtime to do just that. Despite recent Treasury's claims that the British economy grew this year by 1% the reality is that it shrank by 0.1% and George Osborne was only able to claim otherwise by "manipulating" the figures. Meanwhile Ian Duncan Smith has been defending his "Work Experience" scheme which, he says, has been delivering outstanding results when the truth is that there has been no discernable improvement at all. Michael Gove, not to be outdone by IDS, has also been using some very dodgy statistics to "prove" that Britain had fallen from "4th to 16th place in science; from 7th to 25th place in literacy; and from 8th to 28th in maths" in the period between 2000 and 2009. The truth is that Michael Gove deliberately chose the year 2000 for comparison because he knew that statistics for that year are completely unreliable. Now the government has been rebuked by the UK Statistics Authority for claiming that spending on the NHS has increased over the last two and-a-half years when it is actually lower now than it was in 2010. Having promised to "cut the deficit and not the NHS" it is sobering to find that real spending on the NHS has declined while the national debt has increased by a staggering £150 billion. So who is the enemy at which all these dodgy statistics and propaganda are aimed? Having been told that we are nothing better than a bunch of work shy, bone idle scroungers the answer is us - you and me - the great British public. Comparisons have been made between David Cameron and Adolf Hitler but such claims cannot be taken seriously. Even Adolf Hitler had more sense than to fill every position in his government with a clone of Joseph Goebbels.

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Cameron Still Dodging Action Over Press Ethics.

It's not often that the electorate get to see a Prime Minister twist and turn as much as David Cameron. It all began with Rupert Murdoch's plan to buy the controlling share of BSkyB and with Cameron pretending that he was completely neutral over the question despite appointing Andy Coulson as his "communications director". Things didn't look good for the Murdoch's when the LibDem's shoehorned Vince Cable into the role of arbiter of the deal, but poor old Vince was quickly removed when two young female reporters flattered him into saying something indiscreet. Enter Jeremy Hunt, charged with the job of smarming the BSkyB deal through while Cameron smarmed around Rebekah Brooks. Unfortunately Andy Coulson's past soon caught up with him as it was revealed that phone hacking had been widespread during his tenure as editor of "The News of the World" and not, as previously claimed, the action of a single rogue reporter. As the scandal grew and grew and more people in the Murdoch media empire were implicated the Prime Minister refused to be drawn and absented himself from Parliament when the issue was debated. He had to be literally forced into announcing an inquiry into press ethics and still fought a rearguard action to protect the Murdoch bid for BSkyB with Jeremy Hunt leading the charge. During the Leveson Inquiry it became clear that the Prime Minister had been far, far too close to the Murdoch media machine and many potentially embarassing questions over the exact nature of his relationship with Rebekah Brooks were left hanging menacingly in mid-air. Leveson has now delivered his report and, as expected, he made it abundantly plain that certain "sections" of the press were completely out of control and believed themselves to be above the law because of the protection they enjoyed both from politicians and the police. Cameron's immediate reaction was the reject these findings and conduct a campaign, through the media, to protect the "freedom of the press" in a sudden and unexpected fit of idealism. That has threatened to backfire as many of the victims of press excesses have called on him the impliment the Leveson Inquiry findings as he had previously promised he would. With his strategy fast unravelling Cameron has now made one last roll of the dice, announcing that what was once an urgent matter is now less so and that there is "no timetable for producing any draft legislation."

Sunday, 2 December 2012

Why The Tories Only Tax Poor People.

Despite the fact that Britian is awash with sport while those that take part are often paid vast amounts of money for running, jumping and throwing things, Usain Bolt has the nerve to tell us that sportsmen stay away from Britain because the taxes are too high. Good, there are enough brainless, greedy and selfish people in the country as it is. Mr.Bolt's observation is nothing more than a crystallised version of Tory thought processes - "I've have lots and I mean to keep it though, at the same time, I still want all the services that tax money buys and think that poor people should provide it for me". That is why the unemployed and disabled are being persecuted in Britain while the rich have been rewarded with a nice juicy tax cut. Of course its a well-known fact that poor people have to be punished to make them work while the rich have to be rewarded. Meanwhile George Osborne, under pressure to come clean by inconvenient facts, has told the BBC that tackling Britain's deficit will "take longer than planned." However, he also added that the Tory cuts were working and that their plan to make poor people pay for the recession was making "real progress." To prove his point he then told the BBC a series of lies, "the deficit has been cut by 25%", "the richest have paid more in all of my Budgets" and there are now "a million more jobs in the private sector". Yet the truth of how Tory policy actually works was graphically illustrated during the recent floods when thousands of homes were innundated and people actually died because Cameron and Osborne have cut the money for flood defences to help fund a tax break for their rich mates.

Saturday, 1 December 2012

Press Gushes Over Cameron.

Following David Cameron's shameful capitulation to the press yesterday they have now reciprocated by giving him the best headlines he's seen for months. Almost universally they are now hailing him for his "statesman-like" decision not to curb their excesses. Forget the disaster of the economy, forget the cowardly attack on the weak and the vulnerabe, forget the lack of action against the banks and forget the backdoor privatisation of the NHS. The main thing is that the press should be allowed to continue stalking innocent people and tell any lie they care to invent in order to increase sales. Hiding behind the "freedom of the press" they insist that they have the right to break any law, libel any innocent victim and print any groundless charge they like without any interferrence. As the nation sinks into oblivion under the relentless spite of the Tory party, the press is willing to endorse the worst government in history just as long as they can continue to wallow in the gutter. The British press is not free, it is out of control and, in return for a few positive headlines, Cameron is quite happy that it should remain so. Cameron is not a statesman - he is simply open for business and everything, including all the principles he claims to believe in and even the country itself, are up for sale.

Cameron Sucks Up To The Press.

In a bad attack of idealism, and despite his previous pledge to impliment the findings of the Leveson Inquiry, David Cameron has today promised that the press will remain free of government regulation. "A free press has been the bukwark of democracy in this country for centuries," he told the victims of hacking, harassment, blackmail and libel. "Controlling the worst excesses of the press would mean Britian crossing the Rubicon and would threaten the creation of a decent country in which politicians, the police and press barons would find it increasingly difficult to be as corrupt as they would like to be. Despite the fact that the legal profession is regulated in exactly the same manner as proposed by the Leveson Inquiry without any question of government interference, the press is an entirely different matter altogether. After all the judiciary can't guarantee a Tory victory at the next election, but someone like Rupert Murdoch just might. All in all I think it only prudent, with a general election just around the corner, to kick this one into the long grass. But, just to prove that I'm not in the pocket of the press barons, I will introduce legislation into Parliament that will be so long-winded, complicated and unwieldly that it won't have a cat in hell's chance of getting through before MP's collapse from sheer exhaustion. That way I can have my cake, and everyone else's for that matter, and eat it too."

Friday, 30 November 2012

Boris Calls For Britain To Be As Unequal As India.

Boris has been in India this week and has been bowled over by its progressive outlook. "I have been asking Indian businessmen what would make London more attractive for them as a place to invest," he told reporters from a picked selection of Tory rags. "To a man they have all said the same thing - we want to pay as little tax as possible and do whatever we like. It was a revelation and one that demands serious consideration. As everyone knows taxing rich people less then poor ones and allowing them to do whatever they like has been a resounding success over the last 30 years in the West, but India has been doing the same thing for thousands of years and look at what they've achieved. If we could do the same in Britain the working class, or untouchables as I now like to call them, would soon learn being grindingly poor is not so bad - in fact it is their patriotic duty to sacrifice themselves so that people like me can get even richer than we are now. Our city offers enormous opportunity for Indian companies to prosper at the expense of British ones and to export even more jobs to Mumbai where sweatshop workers have the opportunity to earn almost £1 per week." A photo opportunity with Boris riding a bicycle around the famous "Gateway of India" was later brought to an abrupt end when several Indian soldiers threatened to beat everyone with sticks because filming in the area was banned. "Marvelous," Boris told reporters. "If only we had soldiers patrolling the streets of London threatening to beat people with sticks at the least provocation we could really get things moving."

Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Taxman Seeks Permission To Break Speed Limit.

HM Revenue and Customs wants to be placed on a list of emergency services allowed to break the speed limit when its a matter of "life and death." We asked HMRC for a comment; "Many other emergency services such as the police, ambulances and the fire brigade have government permission to break the speed limit when the situation demands. We at HMRC are often called upon to act decisively in very dangerous circumstances. Imagine being James Bond but not being allowed to drive around with smoking tyres, screeching brakes and a scantily-clothed blonde in the passenger seat. We often find ourselves locked in a deadly pursuit with such arch-criminals as tax dodging plumbers and private tutors driving high-powered vehicles such as Transit vans and Robin Reliants. Apart from the fact that we need to apprehend such heinous criminals we have found it increasingly difficult to ignore the suspiciously large mansions of the super-rich and MP's at low speeds. In fact its becoming positively embarassing. Only last week we found one of our inspectors, forced to drive his Aston Martin at 30mph, looking thoughtfully at a branch of Starbucks - it was terrifying. Other services are allowed to break the speed limit when lives are at stake - how much more important is it when money is under threat?"

Osborne Discovers "Dark" Growth.

Tories are today celebrating yet another astounding discovery made by George Osborne, the genius behind Quantum Economics. We aked a leading Oxford economist for an explanation; "The confirmation that the British economy did, despite all predictions to the contrary, grow by an outstanding 1% in the previous quarter has led to an exciting new concept in Quantum Economics that we call "dark growth." This cannot be seen or even detected by conventional means, but we know it exists because of the effect it has on the poll ratings of the Tory party. Essentially what George Osborne has done is invent a time machine which he has then used to go back in time and change the growth figures for previous quarters. By reducing the growth figures in the past he has been able to demonstrate that growth in the last quarter was actually positive after all. I have a simple illustration to aid understanding for those who are not as sophisticated as George Osborne or myself. Let's imagine that in December your bank balance stood at £1,000. When you check in March to see how much money you've made in the intervening three months you find that it's still at £1,000. In other words you've made nothing. Now imagine the effect if you are able to turn back the clock and take out £200 from your account in December so that it shows a balance of £800. Now, in March, with a bank balance of £1,000 you've suddenly made £200! That is "dark growth."

Monday, 26 November 2012

Tories Near To Their Goal Of Destroying Britain.

Having put a stop to recovery the Tories are celebrating as the "good" news keeps rolling in. Demand has continued to shrink as wages stagnate, the jobless and disabled are stripped of their benefits, the cuts reduce family incomes by 30%, manufacturing hits an all-time low and investment is at the lowest its been since 2008. Indeed the news is so "good" that the Institute for Fiscal Studies is confident that the Tories can keep the recession going until at least 2018. Given the parlous state of the economy the question is, where will the government get its money? There is only one answer - raising taxes - and, given this government's aversion for taxing those who can actually afford it, that means more taxation on the less well off. There are already rumours that George Osborne is contemplating pushing VAT up to 25%. The Tories, who are revelling in this recession since it means they can crack the whip over the heads of ordinary people and turn the country back to the 18th century, are in jubilant mood and remain confident that the British electorate are so stupid that they will return them to power in 2015. This, they smugly believe, is because voters have fallen hook, line and sinker for their "the British economy is just like a household budget" line so favoured by Margaret Thatcher and other insane people. The truth is that no householder would deliberately throw themselves out of work and then sell off all their assets, making themselves homeless in the process, in order to borrow more money to give to their favourite charity - the banks. Yet that is exactly what the Tories have sold to the country. How do you like the ride so far?

Sunday, 25 November 2012

Tories "Listen" With Both Fingers In Their Ears.

Ian Duncan Smith, a man who waves his Christianity around like a flasher waves around his private bits, has this week revealed his attitude to ordinary people in no uncertain terms. Appearing on "Question Time" his reaction when the number of people he's responsible for killing was put to him by Owen Jones was as you'd expect - he shouted him down. Essentially his answer was "I don't care who dies as long as I get my way." Then it was revealed that he snubbed a 13 year old child, Kieran McArdle, who wrote to him about his recently deceased father. The boy's dad had suffered a devestating stroke that had left his paralysed down his left side and blind in one eye. Despite this his disability benefits were stopped after he was found "fit for work". He died the next day. And Ian Duncan Smith's reply to the boy? He told him that is he had any questions he should ask his local Jobcentre. Now it has emerged that such wilfull ignorance is not restricted to IDS alone but is a deliberate policy of the Tory party. Leaked documents show quite conclusively that Cameron's NHS "listening exercise" was little more than a cynical ploy to take the heat out of the debate while the PM and Andrew Lansley conspired with lobbyists to get privatisation through the backdoor. The lesson is clear and that is you cannot talk to this bunch of spivs and conmen since their reply is always the same - "talk to the hand becuase the face ain't listening."

Friday, 23 November 2012

The EU Begins Its Long, Slow Collapse.

David Cameron stood with 27 other national leaders around the grave of the EU today and threw the first handfull of dirt on the coffin. Born out of the European civil war that raged between 1914 and 1945, the EU was a last desperate effort to stop the various European nations from tearing themselves to pieces. As such it was a noble enterprise but it began to founder as almost as soon as the politicians got their hands on it. The original premise was quite simple - a customs union between an original founding few that could be expanded, as circumstances allowed, to include all the family of European nations and put an end, once and for all, to conflict. The basis was economic, the driving force was enlightened economic self-interest. Of course politicians know very little about economics and it wasn't long before the EU became a vessel for their dreams instead. Economic union wasn't enough, they wanted a political union that would increase the scope of their ambitions and provide them with a bigger stage to strut across. The Euro, originally an economic tool, soon became a plaything for politicians with membership no longer dependent on economic criteria but on political "considerations." Essentially they took what was envisaged as economic sunlit highlands and turned it into a political swamp. Whole nations are now being thrown to the wolves by their "friends" and "partners" and entire polulations are being brought to the edge of destitution out of political rather than economic imperatives. The extent of the rot was demonstrated quite clearly when the EU decided to enshrine the neoliberal economic thesis - the very thing that has brought to world to the brink of economic disaster - in its constitution. This was an act of economic insanity, but was necessary to save politicians from their own blushes. What was originally created for entirely laudable reasons has now descended into an unseemly wrangle over a bloated budget designed to keep European fatcat bureaucrats and politicians in the lap of an undeserved luxury. Cameron is on the correct side for once, the pity is that he is there for all the wrong reasons. He is strangely keen to tighten purse strings for European MEP's when you consider how unconcerned he is with the expenses free-for-all at home. His motive is purely political - pandering to an anti-EU right wing of the Tory party that wouldn't recognise a sensible economic policy if it saw one.

It's Official - MP's Can Be Trusted Again.

Sir Ian Kennedy, the leading expert on law and ethics who has chaired the Parliamentary review of MP's pay, has told the "Today" programme that MP's now deserve to be trusted again. According to him the "problem" of MP's expenses has been "sorted out", although he failed to even mention the recent scandals over MP's renting flats from one another. "The problem was that MP's couldn't tell the difference between their own money and that belonging to the taxpayer. I have tackled this head on and changed the law so that MP's no longer have to worry about things like that. There is now no difference between MP's own money and taxpayer's money and they are free to steal whatever they like perfectly legally. As a consequence it is completely unfair to say that MP's can't be trusted. MP's can always be trusted to grab whatever they can, using whatever immoral means available because they are a superior sort of people and deserve every penny they can glum out of the system. Having looked closely at the previous system that forced many MP's to steal in order to maintain their position in society, I have decided to abolish the system and replace it with a freemarket grab-all in which MP's social position is enhanced in direct proportion to how immoral they are willing to be. Essentially I have embraced the principles that it is not illegal to break laws that don't exist and that ethics must first and foremost be entirely elastic."

Thursday, 22 November 2012

Church Of England: "God Is Still An English Man."

In a parallel universe, far, far away, a group of people who call themselves "The Synod of the Church of England" have got together to tell God what He thinks. The question that they have been considering is "Did God create Man and was she only joking?" Having counted the votes and finding that two-thirds of those in the Synod agree with the statement, the opposition to it declared victory. "We have spoken to our Bronze Age Invisible Friend in the Sky and He told us that we were right all along," a CofE spokesman told our reporter. "The good news is that God has decided to continue being a man and, what's more, continue to be English. We had worried that He might turn American or even African and declare Himself to be a black woman but, in the event, that didn't happen. Once again God has decided to let us tell him what He actually thinks which, as a close reading of the Gospels demonstrates quite conclusively, is what Jesus said we should do." Meanwhile, those women in the Synod who wanted to dress up like the men and also tell God what He thinks, issued a statement; "The Synod has spoken and in keeping with the democratic structure and nature of it, we will ask the question again and again until we get the answer we want. I for one am determined that female prists should be allowed to dress up in silly hats just like the men and get a pay rise for discussing Bronze Age superstitions as if they mean something. Its only fair and I firmly believe that God is actually a blonde who looks surprisingly like Margaret Thatcher."

Osbornes Deficit Reduction Continues To Increase.

As the latest figures show that the British economy continues to be sucked down a Tory black hole, George Osborne was delighted with the latest figures that show his deficit reduction plan is on track. "We have slashed the deficit by 25% in the last two years," he proudly claims, "even though it continues to get bigger and bigger. This is due entirely to my new quantum economics which states that you can never know where a Tory is and at what he's talking about at the same time. Fortunately it also means that money can be in two places at the same time while the word "reduction" becomes entirely relativistic." We asked an Oxford University Quantum Economics professor for his view; "As the deficit continues to shrink under the remorseless cuts that cost more and more money, this month's figures, like every month's figures for the last two years, only appear to be bad. This time we've found that a sudden and unexplained slump in tax receipts is to blame for what appears to be yet another increase in the country's debts. This is mere illusion since it is a well known fact that giving rich people a tax cut and ignoring tax avoidance by big corporations increases revenue, while unemployment and a complete lack of demand in the economy have no effect at all. Basically this all becomes clear once you realise that truth in the universe has a right-hand spin."

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

Why The Tories Are Winning.

The "Independent" has today published a story the main thrust of which is that the anti-austerity protest in Britain and across Europe has failed. The smug and the self-satisfied, those who benefit whether there's as recession or not, those who caused the economic crisis with their greed and stupidity, the grasping rich who want it all have managed not only to make the poor pay for the mistakes of the rich, they've also managed to turn us all against ourselves. This they did by the simple expedient of formenting jealously amongst those with little while those with lots have maintained a united front. The many are losing because they can't or won't organise, the few are winning because they were always organised. An example of how the poor majority have been demonised and turned against each other was carried by the "Telegraph" today as Tory Minister for Employment Mark Hoban, one of those who has engineered a recession expressly to reverse the gains made by ordinary Briton's in the last 150 years, gleefully declared that the unemployed would rather lose benefits than work. The basis of his claim is that a majority of those forced into the mandatory work activity scheme have flatly refused to work for their benefits. This poses two rather awkward questions. Is £56 per week such a princely sum that many would rather live on that then work and get a better standard of living for themselves? Why would they give up such a princely sum and elect, presumably, to live on nothing at all? It depends on your point of view of course. For a Tory this is proof that the British are by nature a bunch of lazy freeloaders. For a normal human being it might suggest that the British are so brave that they would rather face destitution than be forced into the modern equivalent of state-sponsored slavery. Whatever the truth of that one thing is certain and that is that a Tory would sell his own grandmother for an extra quid. Take Peter Lilley, pictured above, for instance. He has accepted £400,000 in bribes from oil companies to oppose any action on global warming. For him the future of the entire planet is small price to pay if he gets to be rich. And that is why the Tories are winning, though how bringing the whole world to ruin constitutes "winning" is beyond me.

Monday, 19 November 2012

The Harrying Of The North.

When William the Conqurer won at the Battle of Hastings he swept away such long-standing English freedoms as electing kings and open forests where the poor could supliment their diet and gather fuel for their hearths. The south of the country was quickly subdued, but the north remained stubbornly opposed. In reply William unleashed a reign of terror that came to be know as "The Harrying of the North." The next 900 years of British history consisted of a long, hard struggle as the conquered won back some of their traditional freedoms inch by inch. Our monarchs are still not elected but we arrived at a compromise - the people got elected governments and the Royals got to keep their heads. The vast majority of the land remains in private hands but at least ramblers are allowed to walk across it. The struggle is far from over, however, and our latest government has far more in common with William I than with any other previous government. Like that foreign chancer William I they have more in common with organised crime than orderly government and are determined to use their accidental accession to power to change the face of Britain forever. A new harrying of the north has begun with their so-called "fair" cuts falling more heavily on Labour councils than Tory ones. Labour councils are facing cuts of £107.70 per person while Tory councils face cuts of only £36.10. Of the worst hit 50 councils 43 are Labour, while of the least hit 50 councils 42 are Tory. Meanwhile rising unemployment, shrinking wages and rising food prices are hitting the poorest in our society and creating nutritional inequalities not seen since the mid-19th century. The Tories are also taking our greatest national asset, the NHS, and selling it to their rich supporters in return for bribes. Corrupt and entirely without a conscience or any sense of patriotism, without a mandate or even a majority, the Tories are mounting what is nothing less than an elitist coup d'etat using a recession they themselves have created as an alibi to impose a vicious austerity on the rest of the population.

Sunday, 18 November 2012

Tories Choose "Alpha Male" As Campaign Manager.

The man pictured above is an Australian named Lynton Crosby and he is, according to Tim Montgomerie the editor of political website ConservativeHome, a Tory party posterboy, the "alpha male that Team Cameron has been missing." The reason for this fulsome praise is that Mr.Crosby was Boris Johnson's campaign manager during the mayoral election in London. Renowned for inserting "subliminal messages" into his campaign strategy over things such as law and order and immigration, it is fascinating to speculate on what his advice to David Cameron might be; "Rule Number One: Change hairstyle and colour in order to more closely resemble a Morlock. Rule Number Two: Mumble incoherently and engagingly when any serious subject is broached. Rule Number Three: All Tory candidates must train to dangle comically when stranded on a zip wire. Rule Number Four: All speeches should be irrelevant rambling diatribes with no discernable facts that can be used against the party by the opposition. Rule Number Five: Back stabbing should only be understaken in the dark and denied immediately if anyone else notices. Rule Number Six: All lies should be delivered with a wry and sheepish grin." However the choice of Mr Crosby has not been greeted with universal praise in the Tory party. Lord Ashcroft has warned that his appointment could be "a recipe for... conflict and confusion." Confusion, of course, is something that Lord Ashcroft knows quite a lot about since he persists in describing himself as an "historian" on the basis of a Higher National Diploma in Business studies from the Mid-Essex Technical College and seems to have no idea what taxes actually are.

Friday, 16 November 2012

Why Only Little People Pay Taxes.

A Commons Committe looking into corporate tax avoidance on Monday discovered what has long puzzled us all - why large companies, despite making billions in profits, pay virtually no tax. The amazing answer is that they exploit loopholes the size of elephants in tax law deliberately put there by politicians. Essentially these companies are doing nothing illegal but, even where they are, it makes no difference whatsoever. Three years ago a list of 1,000 wealthy British citizens who secretly stash millions of pounds in Swiss bank accounts was handed to the authorities who did absolutely nothing about it at all. Many of the names on the list were obviously businessmen, but it is believed that many were also public figures and, more to the point, many were politicians. The reason behind the tax loopholes couldn't be more plain - corrupt politicians are deliberately avoiding tax and are actively supporting vague, contradictory and ineffective tax laws because it enables them to steal money. There is, of course, a simple way to cut through all this nonsense and that is to replace our tax laws, aimed only at small people, with two simple principles - any attempt to avoid tax for any reason should be deemed to be a crime and any company that avoids tax should not be allowed to operate in this country. Job done. So what do you think the chances are that such a principle would be adopted by the likes of George Osborne and David Cameron? Absolutely none whatsoever.

A Modern Morality Tale.

If you were to ask most people would have no idea who the old man in the picture shown above is. He lives on an old ramshackled farm where he's spent most of his life. The farm has no running water, he lives off £485 per month and drives a 1987 VW Beetle. A poor man, then, past his prime and with not much to offer the world you might surmise. So who is he? The answer, as surprising as it is unbelievable, is that he is Jose Mujica, the President of Uruguay. The reason he is so poor is that he donates 90% of his pay, £7,500 per month, to charity, refuses to use the limousines he entitled to as the President and flatly refuses to use the Presidential palace in the capital, Montevideo. Under the mandatory rules for officials in Uruguay he published full details of his personal wealth in 2010 as £1,100 - the value of the VW, though he has recently added half of his wife's assets and is now worth a staggering £135,000. Many people might regard him as eccentric, perhaps even a little mad but his view is that this is the way he's lived all his life while the world's obsession with consumption is destroying the environment and killing the planet. When you see the photographs of David Cameron, bulging out of his tuxedo at the Mansion House and swilling his expensive brandy at our expense you have to ask the question as to who is insane and who is not.

Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Gove Helps With The Unemployment Figures

Michael Gove, the obnoxious runt in the Tory litter, has taken the lead in reacting to the bad news about unemployment. Not only have the figures for those out of work gone down but the figures for those claiming unemployment benefits have gone up. This, as can be imagined, is a Tory nightmare as workers threaten to become slightly more confident while the cost of throwing people out of work goes up. The fact that the figures make absolutely no sense whatsoever is a secondary concern since nothing the Tories claim makes sense to anyone but them. Gove's solution is quite simple - reduce those working at the Ministry of No Education by 25% while making sure that the redundancies fall disproportionately on ethnic minorities, the disabled and those over 50. "My measures accord well with Tory principles," he told our reporter. "They will redress the imbalance of too many people having jobs causing them to become increasingly bolshie and threatening to expand the economy by creating extra demand. At the same time they will attack the causes of all that is wrong with Britain - filthy foreigners, useless crippled people and old farts who have not had enough sense to become government ministers. Coupled to my improvements in education - a greater emphasis on rote learning, privatised schools to fleece parents, universities that working class scum can't afford to go to and the King James' Bible to ensure mindless acceptance of my authority - we can all look forward to a new future in the 18th century."

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Cameron On The Side Of The Banks.

In Iceland corrupt bankers and politicians were arrested and the huge debts that they had imposed on the country in order to line their own pockets were repudiated. As a result Iceland's economy not only recovered faster than any other economy in Europe, it is now growing at a faster pace than either the United States or Europe. Meanwhile in Britain David Cameron has used the occasion of the Mansion House Speech, by tradition a speech dedicated to foreign policy, to make it clear that he not only supports the banks but is wholly on their side. Warning that "trashing" the banks risks "trashing" the country, he laid out the fatcat view of the world. Essentially while the banks "trashed" the entire world economy because they were greedy, stupid and completely out of control, David Cameron thinks it is time for us to forgive and forget. "Go back to sleep" he urges us, "the economy is safe in our hands. We've instituted new controls over the banks whereby errant bankers will be severely punished if they break the rules - that is exiled to a sunny climate with only a few million quid to live on. Other than that it's business as usual. Just pay your taxes, accept the cuts to your standard of living and services, pay through the nose for petrol, gas and electricity and let the banks do what they want and everything will be tickety-boo." Referring to his recent jaunt around the world to sell arms to various nasty regimes who like to kill their own people if they disagree with them, the Prime Minister assured the country; "Don't worry about things like that. Every country has the right to kill, maim and intimidate if it likes and the arms trade is completely justified if the businesses involved are privatised. There is nothing wrong with profits, especially if some of it is diverted to the Tory party through "donations"".

Monday, 12 November 2012

The Secret Of How To Win The Lottery.

In the wake of the Lord McAlpine debacle the BBC has decided to entertain its viewers by sharing the secret of how to win the lottery. All you have to do is to be completely useless at your job like George Entwistle, resign in a blaze of publicity and then pick up a cheque for £450,000. We asked a BBC spokesman about this astounding new gambling sensation; "The banks led the way with Fred the Shred and other such useless executives who, having crashed the entire world economy, were then awarded huge payouts so they can enjoy their retirement at everyone else's expense. Of course politicians have been doing it for years, but it wasn't until recently, when they were exposed as being totally without any redeeming qualities, that executives in the privatised utility companies and such like jumped on the bandwagon and really got the ball rolling. Of course this new form of the lottery is only for a select few. Ordinary people who work hard all their lives and are terrified into being efficient, punctual and reliable don't qualify. Being utterly uselss for most ordinary workers is only likely to be rewarded with a P45 and, in any case, they have pitiably small pensions to look forward to. With the much anticipated privatisation of the NHS we are looking forward to an even greater expansion of the new lottery for the already wealthy. As an added bonus we hope that useless NHS executives will kill off a huge swathe of ordinary people, saving us the cost of their state pensioners and providing even greater room for tax cuts for the rich. It's a win/win situation as far as we can see."

Sunday, 11 November 2012

Ian Duncan Smith Wastes Even More Money.

Ian Duncan Smith, more evil, arrogant and stupid than ten average Tories, has been kept busy for two years now hiding from parliament and the public the full cost of his "one benefit fits all" policy. However, despite all his efforts to hide his total incompetence, the figures are beginning to leak out. He began with a modest budget - a mere bagatel of £2 billion - but immediately inflated that by £100 million and managed to hide from view another £300 million by clever accountancy tricks only available to theieving utility executives and guilty politicians. Now, it turns out, the much-vaunted and fabulously expensive scheme will not be rolled out in one triumphant go next October as IDS would have liked because of "technical issues over computer issues." IDS it would seem, like many ministers before him with no real experience of real work, has, as one government spokesman put it, "been hypnotised by promises of what an online system can deliver. Warnings were given to him more than a year ago. They were ignored." The reason for IDS's mistake is two-fold. He's a moron and he's so unspeakably evil that nothing, not money or technology that cannot deliver, will divert him from his course of punishing the poor, the unemployed and the disabled so that he and his rich mates can have yet another tax cut. As Labour's Liam Byrne, said yesterday: "Universal credit is in danger of descending into total chaos. Iain Duncan Smith's flagship scheme is late and over budget, top officials are heading for the hills and no one seems to believe the massive IT system is on track. Ministers must take urgent action before it becomes a multibillion-pound disaster." A spell for IDS in the Tower of London might be a good place to start.

Water Companies Steal Our Money.

While one part of Britain floods and another has a hosepipe ban imposed, water company executives are busy stealing our money, stuffing it greedily into their pockets and then using every trick they can find to avoid paying tax. At Thames Water they received a tax "rebate" amounting to £76 million, but still made enough profit to shove a bonus of £420,000 into the greedy hands of its chief executive, Martin Baggs, as well as paying him a salary of £420,000 per annum. In other words he gets the equivalent of two lottery wins every year as a reward for being no better than a common thief. They are not so much utility companies, therefore, but organised crime syndicates that are little better than machines designed to feed the Tory party with "donations." That is the nature of privatisation under any Tory government and, in ten years time, articles will be appearing in the press explaining how and why the NHS is doing exactly the same sort of things. Like the water companies, the NHS will engage expensive PR men to patiently explain why you must die so they can "reinvest" in such crucial items as potted plants for the chief executive's new multi-million pound office suite and even more expensive accountants whose only job is to make absolutely sure that those robbing us have to pay no tax. There is only one cure for the anti-social crime spree of the water companies - renationalisation without compensation. Want reasonably priced water? Think that utility companies with over-bloated profits filched directly out of your pocket should actually pay some tax? Think that executives with all the instincts of Al Capone should be a thing of the past? Then stop voting Tory.

Saturday, 10 November 2012

BBC Goes Nuts

After failing to notice that Jimmy Saville was a serial paedophile operating under their very noses, the BBC reacted by going completely nuts. Determined that next time they wouldn't be accused of wilfull blindness they have reacted to the rumours, accusations and conspiracy theories whirling around the internet with utter stupidity. A none has been more stupid than Phillip Schofield who, thinking he was a real journalist, waived a list of names cobbled together from the net in front of the Prime Minister and demanded to know what he was going to do about it. David Cameron, who has never been popular in this journal, did the only thing he could - he ignored it. For once the Prime Minister was right - the so-called story was spinning out of control and was taking on all the aspects of a witch hunt. Then came the bombshell. Steve Meesham who was the source of the rumours against Lord McAlapine, apparently for the first time in his life, saw a photograph of the man and realised it wasn't him. A rumour that has been doing the rounds for nearly twenty years laid to rest in a second through the simple expedient of showing Mr Meesham a photograph. The disappointment of the conspiracy theorists was all too evident but, nothing loath, they immediately began to counter with the argument that Mr.Meesham had either been bribed or leaned on. From hero to zero in nothing flat. This one, like the second gunman on the grassy knoll, is set to run and run and run and run.......

Thursday, 8 November 2012

Cameron's Plan To Win The Next Election.

David Cameron has watched the US Presidential election with great interest and has drawn some very profound conclusions about his own electoral prospects. Barak Obama has done all that he can to support and stimulate the US economy, he's put his neck on the block to champion the cause of poor Americans and created a healthcare system that most commentators regarded as impossible. In Britain Cameron has done everything he can to suck demand out of the economy, has vilified and persecuted the poor, the disabled and the unemployed and has done his level best to destroy the best healthcare system in the world. Today he has announced that Obama's victory lights the way towards a Tory victory in 2015. "I even noticed in his [Obama's] Tweet he said 'We're all in this together' so there's some commonality," he tells us without a trace of irony. The difference is that Obama means it whereas, for Cameron, its simply a slogan - cheap words devoid of any reality. While Obama stood against the Republican's wish to lower taxes for the rich, Cameron has no other policy but tax cuts for the rich. Obama is seeking to inspire his people while Cameron is seeking to mislead his. So what can we expect from Cameron in the run-up to the General election in 2015? Lies, pure and simple. Like his pledge that "the NHS is safe in our hands" and "there will be no top down reform of the NHS", he will speak the words but will do the exact opposite as soon as he gets a majority. He'll take Obama's words, use them to his own advantage and twist them beyond all recognition. Be warned - this man intends to do you severe harm, he's Mitt Romney trying to disguise himself as Barak Obama.

Wednesday, 7 November 2012

Trump Calls For Revolution.

Having failed to turn Scotland into a police state, Donald Trump, the world's most obnoxious American and proud owner of the world's worst wig, has called for a revolution following Barak Obama's victory in the Presidential election. Furious that American democracy cannot be bought by a rich nonentity such as Mitt Romney, Trump called the election "a total sham and a travesty" while voting for a candidate other than the one he wanted meant that "America is not a democracy". "We should have a revolution in this country," he then said, openly inciting Americans, presumably the rich ones, to rise up against their democratically elected President. Then came what for Trump was his trump card, "Our nation is totally divided!" Well yes, that's why America has elections in the first place, to choose between Democrats and Republicans who are divided between different political views. Duh! One should make allowances, of course, for a man driven insane by greed and gradually sliding into dementia, but how could you ever forgive him for that wig?