The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Saturday, 28 April 2012

Has Ian Duncan Smith Had A Change Of Heart?

Ian Duncan Smith, outright winner of this year's "Most Evil Tory" award, has had an apparent change of heart appealing to George Osborne not to make any more cuts to welfare. We asked IDS for a statement; "We Tories, as this country's natural overlords, have a responsibility to support people in difficulty and no one is in more difficulty than me. If George keeps cutting my departmental budget I'll soon have no budget at all and then I won't be able to swan around looking important. I understand the need to pauperise the working-class scum of this country, but George really should draw the line at harming my illustrious career. There must be some other way of persecuting cripples and other useless people without cutting my budget and my standing in Parliament. I've made some very progressive suggestions but no one seems to know if the Nazi blueprints for gas chambers still exist and, as David Cameron has pointed out, we already have concentration camps which are now called council housing estates. There is in my view no such thing as an easy target in welfare. Some people think there is: until I show them where we spend the money - potted plants for my office, money for fine dining at the Savoy and champagne receptions for underprivileged bankers. It's all right for people like Andrew Lansley who have lobbyists lining up around the block with cash to spend - all I have is ATOS and I've just about milked them dry. Some days I just don't know where my next London mansion is coming from."

Leveson Tells Cameron To Sod Off.

It was all panic at No.10 when the Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt and, by extension, David Cameron, were found to be secretly encouraging Murdoch and his BSkyB bid. They immediately sacrificed Hunt's advisor Adam Smith, hoping that people would believe that he was a "lone wolf". That soon began to unravel as every MP and ex-Minister in Westminster pointed out this was not only unbelievable but, under the Ministerial Code which makes Ministers completely responsible for their personal advisor's actions, utterly irrelevant. Now thoroughly alarmed Cameron decided that the "best forum" for finding out the truth was the Leveson Enquiry. Unfortunately that's not true either as Leveson has now forcefully pointed out, making it abundantly clear it was not his inquiry's role to rule if the culture secretary, Jeremy Hunt, has breached the ministerial code. Meanwhile the former BBC chairman Sir Michael Lyons has pointed out that Hunt was obviously in favour of the Murdoch BSkyB bid and assumed that it would go through while an alliance of media groups opposed to Murdoch's takeover claim it was blocked from engaging with Jeremy Hunt and his officials for more than three months, and was only granted a single "sham" meeting with the culture secretary three weeks after he had already given his provisional blessing to the £8bn offer. It is hard to see this as a conspiracy since the chief movers, Jeremy Hunt and David Cameron, are demonstrably stupid, but, unbelievably, that's exactly what it is. Despite all the furore surrounding Murdoch and his seemingly incompetent son, the Tories have still been actively supporting their BSkyB bid. They have tried to hide this in an amateurish sort of way but were soon found out, whereupon they have scrabbled around trying to find a way to dodge the bullett. The "Guardian" today has asked wether the Tories are evil or stupid - the verdict is that they are both.

Friday, 27 April 2012

Tories Cure Obesity.

The Tories are celebrating one policy of their's that is working - ending the scourge of obesity in Britain. George Osborne, pictured above looking at working-class Tory voters, is said to be particularly pleased; "This is good news for the country, especially since it hasn't cost rich people a penny," he told our reporter. "This has been achieved without the need of the NHS," Andrew Lansley added, while Ian Duncan Smith concluded that "This is a complete vindication of our crackdown on benefit scroungers." Teachers, however, are less impressed reporting that some pupils are now having to scavange for leftovers at school while others are regularly seeing pupils with signs of malnutrition. Meanwhile Camila Batmanghelidjh, the charity boss, reports that she has seen "children who are so malnourished they lose teeth." Her charity, Kids Company is now feeding 2,000 British children, a figure which is increasing at the rate of 70 per week. "Its good to see that we've finally returned to Victorian values," Eric Pickles told us over a plate of doughnuts.

Jeremy Hunt Investigates Himself.

After David Cameron announced that he will not allow his adviser on the ministerial code, Sir Alex Allan, to investigate whether Jeremy Hunt broke the code, Hunt is handing over all his emails and letters to the Leveson Enquiry who will report their findings directly to him. "I am determined that this matter will be thoroughly investigated," he told our reporter, "and, after I've reviewed the evidence, I will be announcing my complete innocence as soon as possible." Meanwhile George Osborne has moved into the frame when it was revealed that he was "very keen" for Jeremy Hunt to take on the job of scrutinising the Murdoch scandal when Vince Cable was ousted from the position after Murdoch lobbied Osbourne to get rid of him. We asked George Osborne to explain what was going on; "The whole Murdoch scandal was played out under Labour and when Tony Blair and Gordon Brown were in No.10. The secret meetings that Tory Prime Ministers, including Margaret Thatcher (Blessed Be Her Name), John Major and my mate Dave, had with Murdoch were entirely innocent and had absolutely nothing to do with Mr.Murdoch's media business interests. It is my understanding that Mrs Thatcher was only interested in talking about Mr.Murdoch's stamp collection, John Major talked to him about cricket and David, in order to understand common people, was only really interested in Murdoch's box collection of "Eastenders." As for Jeremy, apart from the fact that I don't know him at all, he retains the government's complete confidence as long as he can continue to pretend that none of this has anything to do with him."

Thursday, 26 April 2012

Is Westminster Full Of Crooks?

There are 635 MP's in Parliament who cost us no less than £92,993,748 in expenses every year. Here is their record of crimes and misdemeanours for your information; 29 have been accused of spouse abuse, 7 have been arrested for fraud, 9 have been accused of writing bad cheques, 17 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses 3 have done time for assault, 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit, 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges, 8 have been arrested for shoplifting, 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits, 84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year. Now you know why the country is in such a state - its run by a bunch of spivs, conmen and thieves.

Rupert Murdoch Met Leading Politicians For Small Talk.

After James Murdoch's performance yesterday, in which he reiterated his explaination that he is completely incompetent and incapable of running a multi-million pound business, his father, Rupert, explained today that he spends all of his time engaging in small talk. "I have never spoken to politicians about anything other than "Eastenders" and "Coronation Street," he told the Leverson Enquiry today. "I met someone called David Cameron on several occassions but had no idea who he is. It never occured to me that such people could help me to acquire BSkyB or that they could have any influence over the deal. These were people that I just happened to have several secret meetings with for no apparent reason while my son wandered about our corporate headquarters with a bag over his head. I mean, what kind of pressure could a multi-millionaire newspaper proprietor like myself bring to bear on a politician who was desperate for my endorsement?" Meanwhile Jeremy Hunt the Culture Secretary, who spent five days in the US talking to the Murdochs for no apparent reason, refused to resign today amid allegations that he supplied the newspaper owner with confidential information. "I was delighted when Rupert and James invited me to view their stamp collection," Hunt told our reporter. "It never occured to me that, as the Culture Secretary responsible for overseeing the BSkyB deal, that talking in secret to the Murdoch's might give the wrong impression."

Wednesday, 25 April 2012

Tories Return Britain Into A Recession.

In a triumph for the Tory party, David Cameron and George Osborne have managed to return Britain into recession with none of the key industries making any headway whatsoever. Nor could the Office for National Statistics, despite racking their brains, find any external reason for this - no bad weather, no good weather, no unexpected holidays and no Royal weddings. The unvarnished truth is that the Tories have driven the economy down onto its knees with malice aforethought. They have taken neoliberal economic thought and flogged us to death with it. The government itself has pointed to Europe, blaming our largest trading partners for our own self-inflicted woes. The Budget was the most unfunny joke that the Tories have thrust down our throats so far, but their sheer incompetence cannot be hidden any longer - they have achieved a double-dip recession and deflated the British economy at just the wrong crucial moment. They have undermined income when what is really needed is a stimulus to final demand. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Tories Complete The Hat Trick.

Even for a Tory David Cameron is pretty dim but the worst thing is that he honestly believes that everyone is as stupid as he is. He began his meteoric rise to fame by "de-toxifying" the Tory brand, anxious to show that they were no longer the nasty party. Then he followed this up by promising that he would tackle the recession in an even-handed matter; "We're all in this together." Last of all he told us that he would end the sleaze in British politics. Once in power he then began the nastiest attack on ordinary people that this country as ever witnessed, instituted an economic policy that was designed to benefit a tiny wealthy elite and set about creating a cozy relationship with the Murdochs that was more than just sleazy - it was probably also illegal. You could almost feel the panic in Tory circles as James took the stand again today at the Leverson Enquiry. Nice hat-trick Tory boy! But it is the sheer arrogance of this plausible second-rater that really gets this reporter's goat - the unthinking belief that the British people are so stupid that he can tell them anything and they'll believe it. "Yes, I invited James Murdoch to Christmas dinner but I never once discussed his plans to take over BSkyB. He may have had direct access to government at all levels but that was only so we could swop recepies and discuss our mutual interest in stamp collecting." The electorate should never listen to what politicians say, they should always judge them by what they do and, so far, all Cameron seems to have done is to give us all the finger, in private of course.

Tuesday, 24 April 2012

Tories Begin Social Cleansing Of London

Newham Council has begun the expulsion of 500 families from London, planning to send them into exile in the north of England. They have approached Stoke on Trent to take the people who are not wanted in London where, as the Council said in a letter to Stoke Council, "the onset of the Olympic Games and the buoyant young professionals market," makes it imperative for them to free up council housing. In its defence Newham Council issued a statement in which it claimed that "We are doing everything we can to ensure we have good quality, affordable housing which is fairly distributed." We asked a spokesperson from the Council to explain what exactly that means; "We want to fairly distribute affordable housing to wealthy people who can actually afford the sky-high rents we want to charge in order to cash in on the Olympics and young overpaid professionals who we can rob with impunity." Meanwhile Grant Shapps, Minister of State for Social Cleansing pictured above advertising himself to lobbyists, has denied that the government wants to socially cleanse London. "It's nothing to do with us Guv," he told our reporter. "All we did was cap housing benefit. It is very unfortunate that a bunch of unwashed and unwanted poor people happen to live in a place where a sporting event offers the opportunity to make oodles of money if you happen to own so much as a dog kennel. Anyway the North offers poor people a natural habitat where they can persue their lives of quiet desperation without bothering their betters."

Monday, 23 April 2012

Even The Tories Don't Like Themselves.

Nadine Dorries, the Tory MP who is often seen as the British Sarah Palin and believes that sex is only for rich people, has lambasted David Cameron and George Osborne for being ""two arrogant posh boys" who "don't know what it's like to go to the supermarket and have to put things back on the shelves because they can't afford it for their children's lunch boxes." What's worse," she added, "they don't care either." Tory party HQ immediately went on the attack to defend their blessed leader and his side-kick from such a treacherous stab in the back. "It's all the LibDems fault," a spokesman told our reporter. "If it wasn't for them we could be really nasty and people would love us again. It's a fine thing when you find out that even we don't like us."

Sunday, 22 April 2012

Cameron And Osborne Form Very Unfunny Comedy Duo.

Cameron: "I say, I say I say, my Dad was a tax-dodging millionaire. Osborne: "Your Dad was a tax-dodging millionaire? You think you've got problems, my Dad, the 17th baronet of Ballintaylor and Ballylemon, keeps boasting about his money in the newspapers." Cameron: "At least you and I are both in this together." (Canned laughter) Both "Give me sunshine......" In the great tradition of comedy duos, Morecambe and Wise, Laurel and Hardy and Abbott and Costello, Cameron and Osborne are having to serve their apprenticeship in some very tough venues. However, despite 18 months of gigs up and down the country this is one comedy duo that seems incapable of ever being funny. They have some good catch lines, "We're all in this together," "There's no alternative," and "The Big Society," but even the addition of a silent partner, Nick Clegg, to do all the pratfalls seems to have fallen flat. Worse still, even guest appearances by a ginger rodent cannot seem to lift their ratings. Why? Because, as our Comedy critic points out; "They're bloody crap - unconvincing and without any sense of timing whatsoever. It's also very difficult to find anything funny in mass unemployment, rising inflation, a growing national debt, the privatisation of the NHS, vulnerable and disabled people being kicked to death on stage, or tax breaks for their rich mates. To be honest they should split up and find another way to annoy people."

Lansley Pours Salt Into The Wounds.

Andrew Lansley, having effectively privatised the NHS, is now preparing to end national pay scales for NHS staff and force many of them to accept lower pay if they happen to live in "poorer neighbourhoods" (i.e. the North). Apart from a blatant attempt to set the North-South divide in concrete and pauperise those who don't vote Tory, this is simply another example of Lansley slicing up the NHS to make it easier for corporate vultures to gobble it down. It is also hard not to conclude that he is also provoking NHS workers into strike action, something that the Tories failed to do with regards to petrol tanker drivers, so that he can point the finger and label all NHS healthcare workers as irresponsible "reds" under the influence of evil trade unionists. The Tories are spoiling for a fight believing that they can recreate to halcyon days of the 1980's when they persuaded the whole country to cut its own collective throat. That a political party in this country would deliberately seek out such a confrontation for narrow political point-scoring demonstrates that they are not fit to govern. We've stood by and watched this gang of criminals steal our NHS are we now going to stand by as they stand on the necks of those who dedicate their lives to caring for others?

Saturday, 21 April 2012

Bahrain Formula One Race Goes Ahead.

Despite rioting in the streets and the death of one protestor the Formula One race in Bahrain is to go ahead. The BBC have made to case for the race to take place with commendable forthrightness; "If the race is cancelled a great many selfish, stupid and greedy people will lose money and the government of Bahrain will look like a bunch of dicks." The BBC was also quick to praise the multi-millionaire drivers who; "Are able to compartmentalise their minds and ignore other people's plight in the single-mided pursuit of money." It was also full of praise for our government which is able to distinguish between civil unrest in countries we don't like such as Syria, and the civil unrest in countries we do like such as Bahrain. "The difference is that Syria has a repressive government who say nasty things about us, while Bahrain has a repressive government that buys lots of arms and ammunition from us," William Hague carefully explained to our reporter. "Heaven forbid that protest against a repressive and corrupt regime should stop a sporting event," he went on to say. "It might give the peasants in this country ideas during the Olympics."

Friday, 20 April 2012

Welcome To The Front Line

If you're reading this you're already sitting in the front line of a war that is being fought across the globe. The latest Tory attempt to gain access to ordinary people's blogs, e-mails and personal information to "protect" the country against terrorism is simply another skirmish in this conflict. What's at stake is access to information - your access to information - because information is power. Control it, shape it and interpret it before it is disseminated widely and you control what people think. Lose control of it and you have no power to shape the thoughts of others. Worse yet, for political elites across the world, uncontrolled information means that people will talk to each other avoiding the "filters" that the elites would like to impose on us. Political power runs vertically, from ordinary people at the bottom upwards to the elites at the top. What kind of world would it be if political power ran horizontally, between ordinary people, and cut the elites out of the equation? Don't know? The elites do and they are afraid of it because that would be true democracy. It would certainly not be the democracy that they would like to impose - the democracy based on the ideas of classical Greece that sought to limit power to those rich enough to "deserve" it - it would be the kind of democracy in which what you and I think is more important than their money. Now think what kind of world that would be.

A Day In The Life Of The Tory Party.

Yesterday was another busy day for the Tory party as they went about their normal business. Jonjo MacNamara, the Tory candidate in the local elections for the South Jesmond ward in Newcastle, was forced to stand down, resign from the party and resign as regional director of the Royal Institute of British Architects (Riba) amid gross misconduct and fraud allegations. Riba said in a statement: "A thorough internal investigation uncovered several instances of fraud and financial irregularity over the past 12 months amounting to nearly £10,000." Then Jonathan Djanogly pictured above, a junior Justice Minister and yet another multi-millionaire who inherited rather than worked for his money, decided to have a fit of the giggles as MPs debated plans to cut aid for asbestos victims. As Labour’s Helen Jones told the Commons: “In 15 years here I’ve never seen conduct that so demeans a minister.” Meanwhile Shadow Justice Secretary Sadiq Khan said: “His smirking and giggling showed utter disrespect to sufferers of this horrific disease.” Then, to add insult to yet more injury, Tory peers are readying themselves to rebel against their own government. Another attempt to save the NHS from the clutches of the fatcats you may ask? No, they've already sold that down the river with the hot and eager help of the LibDems. What has them frothing at the mouth is the prospect of reforming the House of Lords by making it an elected chamber. "Elected Chamber?" one prominent member of the influential Tory 1922 Committee told us. "What is this a bleeding democracy?"

Voting For The Alternative.

Have a look at the picture above. These people are not career politicians, public school boys looking for a way to augment their trust funds or local businessmen looking to get leverage in the local council. They are ordinary people who are fed up with their future being in the hands of the stupid and greedy. They are local representatives of a growing movement called Communities Against the Cuts and they are fielding candidates in the forthcoming local elections. This is democracy as it should be - not run from a plush office or some political party HQ, but from a shop in a local high street that would otherwise, like so many of its neighbours, be boarded up. They have been active for only a year or so but have already chalked up some notable successes by forcing their local council to abandon plans that strike at the poor, disabled and helpless. And they have uncovered things that even the "News in Shorts" was not aware of. (The attempt to privatise the Blood Service at a local hospital, job cuts at a local dialysis service and the attempted closure of community centres, leisure centres and children's homes to mention but three.) They represent a real choice in politics. Forget the politicians - they cannot or will not help us - its time for us to help ourselves. This reporter for one will be voting for them this time around because I really believe that voting for them is actually voting for myself and not for some amorphous and faceless vested interest group.

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Allowing The Unemployed To Vote "Dangerous."

Alexandra Swann, having left the Tory party in favour of UKIP because it wasn't right-wing enough, has declared that allowing the unemployed to vote is "dangerous." We asked a UKIP spokesperson for the party's view; "Well, of course, any kind of voting is dangerous as far as we're concerned, but we feel that Alexandra has a point. It's a stupid point, considering that Britain is a sort of democracy, but still a point. To be honest we feel that UKIP is merely a half-way house for Alexandra as she loses the plot completely and drifts towards facism. Let's face it she's a brainless bimbo and, for us, that constitutes quite a catch. However, we feel that she's on to something here and we're willing to have a closer look at it. If we could ban all those who don't support us from voting it would certainly simplify things and, when you're as inacapable as us of complex thought, simplicity has a great deal to recommend it. I'm surprised the Tories didn't think of it themselves. It would certainly be a viable alternative to proportional representation."

Monday, 16 April 2012

Warsi Shows Her Formidable Intellect.

In a virtuoso display of the formidable intellect that has propelled her to the very apex of Tory politics, Baroness Warsi has predicted that next month's council election will be very "difficult" for her party. "I've been up and down the country," she told the BBC, "and what I'm hearing from the only people I listen to - Tories - is that we're doing a fantastic job." Describing herself as "working-class and northern" she deftly avoided repeating the "we're all in this together" line judging, quite rightly, that it's well past its sell-by date. She also put up a stout defence of the oxymoronic line that reducing tax for the rich actually returns more money, though, like many in her party, she was somewhat vague as to why that should be. No wonder she's fast becoming a national treasure - hopefully she'll soon be consigned to a deep underground vault.

The Suicide of Europe.

Paul Krugman, Professor of Economics and International Affairs at the Woodrow Wilson School of Public and International Affairs at Princeton University and Centenary Professor at the London School of Economics, has written in the "New York Times" about the insanity that seems to have gripped European leaders. "It’s hard to avoid a sense of despair," he says in the article. "Rather than admit that they’ve been wrong, European leaders seem determined to drive their economy — and their society — off a cliff." He's talking about austerity which, as a policy, is about as stupid as it gets. What's worse, as Krugman points out, the results of persuing austerity during an economic downturn have been abundantly plain since the 1930's. So why are our leaders so determined to follow a policy that any thinking man would immediately know is foolish? Is it because they are engaged is some evil conspiracy that is just too fiendish and convuluted for us to follow? No. They really are that stupid. You only have to listen to David Cameron or George Osborne telling us all that the national economy is just like a household budget to see that. We are being led to disaster not by evil geniuses but by mediocre second-raters who simply lack the ability to see that what they are saying is nonsense and lack the intelligence to analyse complex issues. They are morons pure and simple.

Sunday, 15 April 2012

United States Treasury Turns A Profit On Banking Bailout.

While the British government seems only capable of returning banks into private hands at a huge loss the United States Treasury Department has actually made a profit. The Troubled Asset Relief Program, widely criticised at the time by the braindead neoliberal economic lobby despite providing money to more than 700 banks, has already realised a $19bn profit alone. Better yet they have also managed to save General Motors from bankruptcy and increased jobs in the US motoring industry by a staggering 230,000. The Obama administration is quite right to say that the crisis is far from over, but the President is rightly proud that he has managed to save his country despite all the naysayers who got us into this mess in the first place. The comparison with Britain, where this moronic government has embraced the neoliberal lunacy with enthusiasm, couldn't be more stark. With our economy bumping along the bottom, unemployment continuing to rocket and our society in crisis, the only Tory answer seems to consist of pauperising as many people as possible and selling off our NHS to their corporate mates. Their economic strategy is nothing less than treasonous and, with the example of the United States before them, is little better than criminal negligence. We should take a leaf out of Iceland's book, where they have now wiped out all mortgage debt in their country in order to bring the property market back to sanity, and put these people on trial when the opportunity arises along with their banking pals.

Saturday, 14 April 2012

Tories Sulk As Unite Negotiates Deal.

The Tory party is in disarray tonight as Unite continues to calmly negotiate over pay and conditions and stubbornly refuses to come out on strike. "It's a bloody disgrace," a Tory party spokesperson told out reporter. "We've done everything we can to provoke them but they just refuse to strike. We had all of our ducks in a row - the public were primed to panic at a moments notice, the army was in place to make it look like we know what we're doing and we were sure the union was up for it. We had a re-run of the 1980's all set up and now it looks like it was all for nothing. I suppose we'll just to have to find some other union to pick a fight with. The only other viable alternative is for a war with Argentina over the Falklands again and they're playing hard to get as well. It's getting harder and harder to find a way to divert public attention away from our complete incompetence I tell you."

Scroungers Multiply Despite Government Crackdown

It has been a flagship policy of the Tories, indeed it often seems to be their only policy - getting tough with scroungers, those who take and give nothing, those who use their circumstances to freeload off the rest of us. Yet, despite all the rhetoric, the Tories have actually done little to tackle the problem. MP's still claim for everything, from a bag of crisps to a £2 million mansion, bankers still get bonuses for being useless at their jobs, executives still claim pay rises despite contributing nothing to the wellbeing of the country and Margaret Thatcher has claimed £535,000 over the last five years for "public duties." What "public duties?" Going slowly ga-ga while she chats to her dead husband? Where is ATOS when you need them? There are scroungers in this country - of that there is no doubt - but the pathetic efforts of the unemployed and feckless are as nothing compared to the determined efforts of the rich and privileged. They talk in terms of generations of working-class families being unemployed and dependent on benefits, but they are mere beginners. Some very wealthy families in this country have been scrounging off the rest of us for a thousand years, with no sign that they are about to get proper jobs anytime soon. David Cameron himself owes his position not to any ability but because he's descended from a Royal bastard with all the attendent privileges that bestows. They make the innocent suffer along with the guilty when it comes to ordinary people, but when it comes to the rich and privileged its all tax breaks, loopholes and money for old rope.

The Bizzare World Of Neoliberal Economics.

What is wrong with this picture? Apart from the fact that it consists almost exclusively of morons quaffing champagne at our expense, the background is somewhat problematic. Why is the leadership of the western world beating a path to China's door and having an attack of the vapours when its economic growth slows from 8.3% to 8.1%? Why is it that we now look to China and India and not the United States or Europe for growth? In a word, wages. China and India have no minimum wage and have no interest in adopting one. The fact that their citizens are forced to work like slaves for next to nothing is of no concern for them because that makes their manufactured good cheap and their exports boom. Yet the neoliberal economic thesis calls for "Free Trade" across the world - no barriers to trade and no direct subsidies to industry to artificially reduce their costs. Despite this when it comes to wages the neoliberal reaction is to tell us that our wages are too high and not that wages in China and India are too low. They completely ignore the fact that those who are paid these low wages are effectively subsidising their nation's trade. Low wages are as much barriers to trade as import controls or direct subsidies. It impoverishes those who should be the best customers for short-sighted business who seem to think that cutting overheads as the be-all and end-all of their activities. How do these economic ignoramuses come to believe that pauperising the workers of the world will expand their business?

Is Al Jazeera Better Than The BBC?

While a Tory-led dictatorship continues to inflict untold damage on its own citizens and the BBC wilfully ignores the real questions in Britain today, it has been left to Al Jazeera to report on the true state of this island. Yesterday the Middle Eastern news gathering service filed a report about starvation in this country and how charities are taking food that would otherwise find its way into landfill sites and giving it to the poor. Nor was this report given by a breathless female reporter dressed in a birka or an excitable swivel-eyed male complete with turban and flowing robes as those who would like to see Al Jazeera as a stereotype would have you believe. The report was given by Laurence Lee, a British journalist who would look at home on the BBC, talking to ordinary British people who know what is going on and cannot understand why the rest of the country is being kept in the dark. Apart from the fact that the political establishment, the BBC and the British press don't seem to be interested in this story, the question arises as to how this plays abroad. What does Syria or Iran think when we presume to lecture them about how they treat their citizens? Nor is this simply one of those "the poor are always with us" stories because poverty is spreading in Britain and more and more people, ordinary citizens who have now fallen on hard times courtesy of this vile government, are finding it increasingly difficult to feed themselves and their children. Ignore this if you want but remember this - lose your job or fall ill and you could easily be next in line for a charity handout. To put it bluntly, this is shameful.

Friday, 13 April 2012

The Man Who Wants To Steal The Universe

Rand Simberg, an adjunct scholar at yet another right-wing madhouse called the Competitive Enterprise Institute, believes that billionaires should be able to buy entire planets in faraway star systems. This, he states, would give added impetus to mankind's exploration of space and would "tidy up" the international law that prohibits such dealings. He's probably right, at least in terms of greedy billionaires looking to spread their particular brand of insanity to the rest of the universe, but "tidying up" the law is simply a eupemism for abandoning it completely. There are also two or three problems involved with the scheme, however. First, who would have the right to sell real estate over which they have no conceivable claim to ownership, two, what if the locals object and three, why would any one buy something they couldn't reach within several hundred lifetimes? No one, in their right mind, would consider such a concept but we live in extraordinary times. Extraordinary times inasmuch as the world economy is being run by a bunch of madmen who think they have the right to buy and sell all manner of things that do not belong to them - witness the Tories flogging off the NHS to their mates - and believe that their utter insanity is the benchmark of logic. If we were dealing with some old lady who fills her house with cats, or an old man who fills his house with used newspaper, we would naturally say that they are mad. But if some old man or old woman obsessively collects money we call them successful and put their picture on the cover of "Life" magazine. It would all be worth it if the day ever comes when Rupert Murdoch or someone of his ilk tries to snatch an alien planet and is promptly reduced to a pile of ashes by a twelve-foot alien brandishing a death-ray. We can live in hope I suppose.

LibDems Turn Tail And Run,

Having sold their souls to the devil and hitching their wagon to the most partisan, unfair and downright evil government in living memory, the LibDems are continuing their long retreat into total obscurity. In the forthcoming council elections they will be only fighting in 70% of the seats. There are many good reasons for this, the main one being that in the other 30% they haven't got a cat in hell's chance of winning. Afterwards, as they lick their wounds, they will point out that they only contested 70% of the seats and their woeful showing is a reflection of the realities of coalition government - whatever that means. Essentially they have turned tail and run, saving their money and keeping their powder dry for the disaster the General Election will be for them. As Lord Owen said the other day; Years from now you’ll have to explain to children what the NHS was. Then you’ll have to explain what a Lib Dem was."

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

George Osborne "Shocked" That He And His Mates Don't Pay Tax.

George Osborne is reported to be in deep shock today after he discovered that he and his rich pals pay hardly any tax. "I was amazed to find that we have been using three main tax loopholes that I already knew all about," he told our reporter. "No wonder the 50p tax returned hardly any money at all and no wonder that the 45p threshold is doing no better. I think the best way forward is for me to announce a crackdown on tax dodging, point out that I for one am doing nothing illegal, wring my hands and then reduce the upper rate of tax again. Its all very perplexing but I am determined that, by the time I've reduced taxes to wealthy people to zero, that the loopholes will have been closed. The only reason I've done nothing about this situation is that I'm afraid that rich people will stop giving to charity if I do. I am particularly worried about the "Charity Begins At Home" organization that offers alibis to distressed wealthy people and offers them really good excuses for being utterly selfish. In the meantime, while I'm waiting for me to do something, I shall continue to hound people on unemployment and dsiablement benefits on the basis thay they are the real villains. Do you have any idea how many jobless, homeless and legless people don't pay tax either?"

Monday, 9 April 2012

Boris Steals £5.3 Million From The Homeless.

It seems that Boris Johnson, often regarded as an amiable bufoon, is neither amiable nor a bufoon. That at least is the conclusion of several homelessness charities who would like to know where over £5 million in government money has gone. The cash, intended to help people forced to sleep rough by this "caring" government, has simply disappeared and there has been no undertaking from Boris that it will be refunded. We asked the Mayor for a comment but he was too busy arranging tickets for his mates at the forthcoming Olympic junket. Instead we received this statement from his office; "Unfortunately the money was needed for more important purposes such as the campaign fund for the re-election of Boris, purchasing bicycles for the staff to impress the Green lobby and a champagne reception for the "Get Ken Livingstone Committee."

Destruction Of NHS Gathers Pace.

With the NHS reform bill now law it hasn't taken long for the corporate vultures to move and start tearing at the flesh of its carcass. Richard Branson was one of the first off the starting block having been handed a £500 million contract to provide community services across Surrey. The Tories told us that the reforms were not about privatisation but about choice. So what is Virgin Healthcare if not a private company and where is the choice in Surrey where it is Virgin Healthcare or no healthcare? Meanwhile NHS patients referred to the ­Beaumont Private Hospital in Bolton, Lancs, will be charged for car parking while "paying customers" will not - the first signs of the two-tier health system that has been foisted off on us. Make no bones about it, the NHS has been stolen by a bunch of criminals masquerading as a government and has been passed on to their corporate mates in return for bribery money. After this criminal conspiracy has been thrown out of power they should be prosecuted for a massive confidence trick and then thrown into prison where they belong.

Is Religious Education Important In Schools?

In his last sermon as the Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams has called for Christians to wear crosses and for Religious Education to be given more prominence in schools. "I believe that the cross, once used by Romans to murder people by nailing them up and allowing them to die of shock and exhaustion, is a powerful symbol for peace," the Archbishop said. "I also think that children not being able to read and write or count above ten is a secondary concern compared to filling their heads with irrational thoughts. Bronze Age myths and more recent superstitious nonsense is of paramount importance in the modern world where rational thought threatens to create a sensible society. What we need nowadays is more blind faith, religious zeal and unthinking devotion. Science provides no answers to our problems, something that everyone should consider when they next switch a light on, drive to work or get food out of the fridge. If it wasn't for Jesus we would have none of these things."

Sunday, 8 April 2012

John Redwood Halts "Tax Nonsense."

John Redwood, the world's first alien politician, has called a halt to talk of Ministers having to declare their tax records. "It would be an invasion of privacy," he said while not turning a hair about government attempts to access our blogs, e-mails and Facebook entries. Meanwhile George Osborne, looking as if he'd just chewed a wasp, mumbled that he'd think about it. (Guess what the answer will eventually be?) Nigel Farange voiced the fear that such a measure would put rich people off from entering politics as if they would be a bad thing. The furore started when Ken Livingstone challenged Boris Johnson to publish his tax returns. Unfortunately for Ken he's a bit of a dab hand at avoiding tax as well and, after a day's thought, decided to hedge it around with all sorts of ifs, buts and maybies. To be fair, most politicians are a bunch of crooks who get up to every trick in the book to squeeze money out of the system for themselves and would have a fit of the vapours if their dirty little money-grubbing secrets became public. Many have come all over prim and proper, muttering about "invasions of privacy" and a growing prejudice against the wealthy. Lets face it, we are led by greedy and selfish career politicians whose only mission in life is to increase the size of their offshore bank accounts at our expense. They claim everything from a bag of crisps to a million-pound mansion, avoid paying tax like the plague and will take a back-hander at the drop of a hat and most of their tax returns would probably read like fairy tales. We should clear the whole rotten, corrupt bunch out and start again with a real democracy.

Industrial Output Falls In Britain.

After decades of industrial neglect in favour of finance and the government's more recent efforts to destroy Britain's manufacturing base, surprise has been voiced that the latest figures show continued decline. "We don't understand it," a Tory party spokesman told our reporter. "These figures are at total variance with our wishful thinking. We've done everything we can to support British industry - throwing thousands out of work, reducing wages and taking away worker's rights - but nothing seems to work. Its almost as if demand is important in an economy after all. Still, since we know that this isn't true, we have no choice but to continue flatening the British economy until it recovers for no apparent reason. The main thing is that rich people, who don't pay taxes, invest in Britain or buy anything British, are doing very well and we remain convinced that tax breaks for the very wealthy will improve the situation no end. In the meantime, while we are all waiting for an economic miracle to occur, we can still persecute the poor, disabled, the unemployed and pensioners to keep up Tory morale. As Greece demonstrates quite clearly, austerity is the way forward and we look forward to further riots in Britain this summer."

Saturday, 7 April 2012

Francis Maude Boasts About "Tax Haven" Britain.

Having been narrowly beaten by Ian Duncan Smith in this years "Most Evil Tory" award, Francis Maude has decided to make a determined effort to capture the "Most Arrogant and Supid Tory" award instead. Having tried to make out that Labour are responsible for Tory corruption and almost killing a woman with his advice to hoard petrol, he is now openly boasting that the Tories will turn Britain in a tax haven for the super-rich. Meanwhile the BBC have maintained their utter silence on the growing poverty, malnutrition and sheer despair in the country and have continued to concentrate all their efforts on repeating the Tory propaganda about the need for increasing austerity. Our austerity, I hasten to add, not theirs. With an abridged version of democracy, courtesy of the LibDems, a sustained hate campaign against ordinary working people, the unemployed, the disabled and now teachers, the Tories are showing their true colours with a vengeance and yet the BBC keeps completely silent about it. Whenever anyone speaks out against this evil and inequitous government, they are immediately shouted down by a BBC drone who demands the interviewee admit that "austerity is the only solution." As President Obama has so clearly demonstrated, there is an alternative but it is not one that British people are allowed to voice. Even the Labour party feels constrained to trot out their own version of austerity in case they upset the banks and lacks the courage to put its head above the parapet and speak for the people of this country. I didn't vote for a bank manger I voted for an MP and I expect him to fight my corner and not spend all his or her time protecting the greedy rich.

Is This The Beginning Of A UK Spring Or A Rerun Of "Titanic?"

It began long-long ago in a country far-far away - the use of the world "Spring" to denote revlution in the air. Does anyone remember 1968 and the "Prague Spring?" That was long before the "Arab Spring" which is fast becoming the "Arab Nightmare" or "Business As Usual." Now the question is about a "UK Spring." The papers are full of stories today about the begining of the end for Cameron and his criminal enterprise to destroy what remains of the country. The "Mail Online" is asking whether John Major - remember him? - might prove to be the last Tory to get a majority, while the Guardian" is throwing doubt on the Tory plan to increase the North-South divide as a means to entrench a majority. Meanwhile LibDems are beginning to jump ship as they realise they have sold their soul for principles that even in government they can't stomach and might end up losing their jobs like the rest of us. All these criticisms have one thing in common - Cameron. Its just too easy to believe that an old-Etonian with millions in the bank cannot understand ordinary people, especially since its obviously true. Better still, for those of us who see Toryism for the absolute evil it is, people are beginning to realise that Cameron doesn't understand the word "corruption" because for him that's simply business as usual. Nor does he understand that the 19th century, where he wants us all to return, for most people wasn't a period of genteel indolence, but a brutal, dirty business in which life was short and hardly worth living. Cameron set sail like Captain Smith in the Tory equivalent of the "Titanic," unconcerned by the speed he was travelling at or the fact that there wasn't enough lifeboats on board. The paralells are uncanny and even the re-release of James Cameron's film in 3-D is a bit spooky. Basically the story of the Titanic is one of upper-class arrogance and stupidity and of working-class people dying for it. "We're all in it together," but we're thrashing about in the ice cold water while the wealthy are huddling in the lifeboats swaithed in furs. Instead of an iceberg, Cameron may have scrapped the ship of state against the unforgiving and gnarly flanks of a hot pasty, but the "Titanic" also sank in April 1912 killing many crew members and passengers who had no idea of what was coming. We, on the other hand, can see what's coming a mile away and have no excuse for inaction. Its time for a mutiny I think.

Friday, 6 April 2012

Malnutrition Reappears In Britain.

Amongst the catalogue of horrors that the Tories have unleashed on the country - unemployment, the persecution of the disabled, the theft of pensions, tax cuts for the rich, the privatisation of the NHS, government corruption, housing shortages and the complete negation of all democratic principles - the Tories are now clebrating the triumphant return of one of their most cherished principles of government - malnutrition. Dubbed the "silent epidemic" children the length and breadth of the country are beginning to show the first signs of starvation. Charities such as FareShare, who redistrubute food being thrown out by supermarkets, are buckling under the demand from desperate families while some schools are reporting that between 70 and 80 per cent of pupils are subject to food insecurity and do not always know when they might next eat. All this, it might be added, before working tax credits are savagely cut by this government led by a man who has the sheer nerve to call himself a Christian. Under the cover of "austerity" this collection of criminals who call themselves a government are overseeing the most vicious attack against the people of this country since the Middle Ages.

Thursday, 5 April 2012

Cuts To Tax Credits As Tories Cheat Us Again.

The Tories were celebrating today as their plan to cheat us and reward themselves shifted into higher gear. Tax credits will be cut to hard-pressed families, raising a badly needed £750 million to help fund the £30 billion in tax cuts to the rich. "We have weighed the alternatives," George Osborne told our reporter, "and decided that fairness is whatever makes me and my mates richer. The principle that rich people are only encouraged to be more productive when they're given more money has to be balanced by the fact that poor people only become more productive when money is taken from them. We are all in this together and all have to do out bit - rich people by taking things easy while poor people suffer for the good of the nation. I've spoken to David Cameron and Ian Duncan Smith and they both assure me that Jesus approves of what I've done. I would like to point out that we have also lifted millions of lower paid people out of tax completely. Of course the fact that many people who would have benefitted from this no longer do so because they're unemployed is neither here nor there - its the thought that counts. The good news is that the sale of the NHS is going well and we are fully confident that there will soon be fewer poor people to worry about. The bad news is that I'm putting up the price of burial plots and privatising municipal cemetaries."

Is David Cameron Becoming Delusional?

Having persuaded himself that he's an outstanding politician and Prime Minister, David Cameron has now decided that he's also a Christian. To underline his commitment he has held an Easter reception in Downing Street and has come out of the closet to declare his religious beliefs. Describing Jesus as "a man of incomparable compassion, generosity, grace, humility and love," he then went on to say that Christianity's message is "do to others as you would have them do to you." This is all very laudable but is also, unfortunately, ludicrous coming from a man who has no compassion, genrosity, grace, humility or love and would never dream of doing to others as he would be done by. Like that other fake Christian in the Tory cabinet, Ian Duncan Smith, David Cameron is simply using religion as a cover for his selfish, unfair and vicious policies. Like Henry VIII who declared himself to be "Defender of the Faith" in order to divorce an unwanted wife, Cameron is wrapping himself in the Bible to inflict untold misery on his fellow countrymen. If he thinks that importing Bronze Age religious mumbo-jumbo direct from the United States will somehow protect him from the guilt of what he's actually doing, then he is truly becoming delusional and would be better of checking himself into the nearest funny farm.

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

The Strange Death Of Democratic Britain.

The ink is hardly dry on Andrew Lansley's NHS Reform Bill and the bad news is already beginning to arrive. NHS London, the body that oversees the London hospitals, has begun to look at slashing the number of frontline healthcare workers by cutting the nursing budget by 50%. There are two compelling reasons for this. First, it will save the private companies poised to seize our NHS the trouble and expense and second, fewer nurses will be required in a health service that many of us will not be able to use because of cost. Having finally gotten their sticky and dishonest fingers on something that doesn't belong to them the criminal conspiracy that calls itself a government is already counting its ill-gotten gains. This theft, aided and abetted by a craven LibDem party, is the greatest act of sheer criminality ever witnessed in this country which now ranks amongst the most corrupt and undemocratic nations on earth. Healthcare, just like housing, education and opportunity in Britain, will soon be accessible only to the wealthy and all the progress made over the last 150 years will soon be set at naught. Congratulations to all those who voted Tory, I sincerely hope you enjoy your new life of poverty and that your children and grandchildren are proud of you.

Monday, 2 April 2012

Latest Tory Unemployment Scam Revealed.

To go along with its "welfare to work" scam designed to fill its mate's pockets with our money, the Tories have come up with yet another - apprenticeships. These, it appears, are not monitored to ascertain their effectiveness and, of course, companies have simply seen the scheme as a means to shovel public money into their bank accounts. While many have taken on apprentices with no intention of offering a real job at the end of it, others have taken advantage of the scheme to provide themselves with cheap labour. Now we have apprentice schemes in such fiendishly technical subjects as shelf-stacking and aisle-sweeping, while apprenticeships that once took years are now being "completed" in 16 weeks. No wonder our car industry now resides in China and our engineering industry is near extinct. The Tories are conducting their favourite little confidence trick once again - hiding a real problem with cheap sham solutions while, at the same time, allowing their rich pals to plunder the public purse. This is what they mean by privatisation or, as the rest of us would know it, fraud.

Boris Meets Pollution Targets By Cheating.

Boris Johnson, pictured above with his father, has come up with a typical Tory answer to a problem - he's lied about it. London has been trying to meet its air pollution targets since 2005 and has consistently failed to do so. Now, in 2012 with the Olympics just a few weeks away, Boris has ordered "dust suppressants" to be sprayed around immediately adjacent to the monitoring stations. We asked Boris for a comment; "Air pollution has been a problem in London since Roman times and has become worse with the invention of the horseless carriage. My plan to turn the city into a bicycle-only zone has been rejected by people with a real education so I've been forced into the only effective Tory method of tackling any problem - hide the facts and lie through my teeth. This would have proven effective if it hadn't been for some eagle-eyed Commies spotting what I was up to. Still, the fine is only £300 million so I'm not worried - especially since I haven't got to pay it."

Sunday, 1 April 2012

Government To Monitor "News In Shorts."

The government has announced plans to monitor blogging and social networking sites in order to protect us from ourselves. While the DVLC has been flogging off our details to criminals the Tories seem more concerned that sites like "The News In Shorts" might be telling the truth about them. We asked an unnamed government minister for a comment; "Sites such as your are subversive inasmuch as they spread democracy to people who might not know what to do with it. Democracy is an export industry in this country and is not for home consumption. We do approve of people expressing their opinions when they're a bunch of foreigners with access to oil, but peasants in this country should be gagged to prevent them expressing dangerous ideas about bankers, businessmen and politicians. On that basis we've decided to monitor all forms of communication in the unlikely event that someone might say something bad about us or our rich mates. It is also true that there are a great many people in this country who do not share our culture and these people, when they are not working in jobs that British just won't do, have to be closely watched in case they blow things up. So, for the safety of everyone, we have decided to snoop on as many people as possible." Well, as my Mom used to say, "If you listen to other people's converstions you never hear anyhting good about yourself."

Tories Appoint Advisor On The Basis That He's Common.

The Tories have appointed Shaun Ryder, a former member of the group Happy Mondays and runner-up in "I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here," to act as an advisor on class issues. We asked a Tory party spokesman to comment; "We've recently realised that being upper class and with no interest at all in working people other than to screw money out of them, we have a bit of a problem connecting to the mass of people. To be honest we've been rumbled. So we looked around for the most common person we could find who was also rich enough to be entirely selfish and stupid. Shaun Ryder was a no-brainer, or at least he is a no-brainer, and he's selfish enough and dumb enough to vote Tory. Perfect." For his part Shaun Ryder made it abundantly plain why he would betray every working man and woman in the country; "I want to run for mayor of Salford, so I'm hoping my new mate Dave can help me out." Hmmm, nice.