The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Saturday, 28 April 2012

Has Ian Duncan Smith Had A Change Of Heart?

Ian Duncan Smith, outright winner of this year's "Most Evil Tory" award, has had an apparent change of heart appealing to George Osborne not to make any more cuts to welfare. We asked IDS for a statement; "We Tories, as this country's natural overlords, have a responsibility to support people in difficulty and no one is in more difficulty than me. If George keeps cutting my departmental budget I'll soon have no budget at all and then I won't be able to swan around looking important. I understand the need to pauperise the working-class scum of this country, but George really should draw the line at harming my illustrious career. There must be some other way of persecuting cripples and other useless people without cutting my budget and my standing in Parliament. I've made some very progressive suggestions but no one seems to know if the Nazi blueprints for gas chambers still exist and, as David Cameron has pointed out, we already have concentration camps which are now called council housing estates. There is in my view no such thing as an easy target in welfare. Some people think there is: until I show them where we spend the money - potted plants for my office, money for fine dining at the Savoy and champagne receptions for underprivileged bankers. It's all right for people like Andrew Lansley who have lobbyists lining up around the block with cash to spend - all I have is ATOS and I've just about milked them dry. Some days I just don't know where my next London mansion is coming from."

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