The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Thursday, 25 December 2014

Tories Wish Us All A Poor And Miserable Christmas

David Cameron, the only political leader in Britain with the sheer brass neck to describe himself as a "Christian", gave his Christmas message to the country yesterday and spoke the usual garbage about "Christian values" and "giving, sharing and taking care of others". George Osborne seems to have taken his leader at his word when he recently gave one of his closest friends, Rupert Harrison and described as Osborne's "Chief of Staff", a 19% pay rise increasing his salary to a staggering £95,000 per year. Worth every penny I'm sure you'll agree when NHS staff are not worth a miserable 1%. To underline their message the Tories applauded when police in London seized blankets, sleeping bags and food donations belonging to people sleeping rough in the streets. "This is all part of our solution to the problem of poverty in Britain," a leading Tory told our reporter. "We are now hoping for a particularly nasty cold spell so that many of them will simply die. A good cover of snow would be a bonus since it will hide the bodies under a romantic covering of nice fluffy stuff. Don't forget our favourite saying in the Tory party - out of sight, out of mind. None of us should forget, during this season of goodwill, peace on earth and other meaningless cliches, that poverty is a lifestyle choice and that poor people are essentially evil. Rich people should not be subjected to unpleasant sights such as poor homeless people cluttering up the streets and making them look untidy. We see this as a fair solution to what is a growing problem, though we have absolutely no idea why so many people are deliberately making themselves poor and homeless. It all very mysterious."

Wednesday, 17 December 2014

Iain Duncan Smith And "Behavioural Change" For The Poor.

The UK's nastiest and most self-righteous politician, not to mention the most successful Tory scrounger of all time, Iain Duncan Smith, has outlined his plans for the poor on Andrew Neil's "Sunday Politics" if the Tories win the next general election. Cutting child benefit, he suggested, would "save money and prompt behavioural change”. This "behavioural change" seems to mean that the undeserving poor will be "encouraged" to have less children so that the deserving rich can reward themselves with yet more nice fat juicy tax cuts. The suggestion is, of course, that only rich people can possibly have intelligent, talented, children while the poor can only produce dimwits who act as a drag on the forward march of mankind. So what proof is there that IDS is right? There would, if IDS is to be believed, have been no Leonardo Da Vinci, whose peasant mother was a single parent. No Benjamin Franklin, whose father was a poor candle maker. No Abraham Lincoln, whose parents were poor dirt farmers. No Andrew Carnegie, whose father was a hand-loom weaver. No Walt Disney, whose father was constantly out of work. No Charles Dickens, who spent much of his early life living with his father in debtor's prison. No Charlie Chaplin, whose mother had three illegitimate children. No Harry Houdini, who begged for money in the streets when he was young. One thing is for sure - there are many like IDS, especially in the Tory party, who are nothing more than second-raters and owe their prominence not to any innate intelligence or ability but simply to being born into a privileged background. Its not fewer poor people we need, though that could easily be remedied with better wages, better education and better prospects, but fewer people like IDS whose dedication to greed and selfishness knows no bounds. The only difference between IDS and the poor he despises so much is that he is a superior and more successful scrounger than any of them. When it comes to getting something for nothing IDS leaves the vast majority of people in this country in his dust.

Sunday, 14 December 2014

Tories Prepare To Buy The Election.

With no real economic strategy except for compelling the poor to pay for the mistakes of the rich, with no friends apart from the greedy and selfish, with no policies except a return to the golden days of the 1850's and with a leader who can't negotiate, the Tories have decided that their only recourse is to buy the next general election. In possession of a £78 million war chest, courtesy of greedy big business hoping that they won't have to pay any tax at all after May 2015, they have announced that parties can now spend 23% more than the previous £26.5 million limit. Of course no other party is backed to such an extent by the smug and self-satisfied and cannot hope to spend such an obscene amount on propaganda. The Tories received a staggering £21,072,508 from hedge fund donors alone who were then rewarded by George Osborne in the 2013 budget with a £145 million tax break courtesy of the poor, disabled and under-privileged. This is all in stark contrast to David Cameron's pledge before the 2010 election to end the ‘big donor culture’ and ‘cut what is spent on a general election’. Nor have the Tories been entirely honest in the methods used to get this increase, changing the law through a statutory instrument the terms of which are not debated in Parliament and are more usually used to make changes to laws that have already been agreed by the major parties. We should, of course, expect no better from an utterly cynical political party that leaves a slimy trail of greed, corruption and selfishness behind it wherever it goes. But don't forget that the propaganda the Tories intend to flood the marginal constituencies with will be paid for with your money - money stolen from you by corporate sharks in the form of tax breaks provided by a corrupt Tory political machine intent on dismantling the state and throwing you to the wolves.