The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Monday, 31 October 2011

Doctors Told To Keep Long Term Ill At Work.

Government Minister: "He looks fit enough for work to me."
Doctor: "He's dead!"
Government Minister: "And your point?"

Investment In The Economy No Such Thing.

The recent announcement of £1 billion being invested in the economy turns out to be no such thing it is now revealed. The money, which is actually less then a billion, has already been earmarked and does not constitute new money as the government tried to infer. We asked a coalition spokesperson for an explaination. "We were feeling under pressure, what with Ed Milliband pointing out how complacent we are and the Occupy movement showing how venal we are. We felt we had to do something, or at least say something that sounded good. So we re-announced the money we'd already put aside for things we have to do whether we want to or not. It sounded like a good idea at the time but I would accept that it's all been done in a rather caghanded way. Then again we are a caghanded government so that's all right - isn't it?"

Liam Fox Hoping To Return To Front Bench.

Liam Fox has told the BBC that he hopes to return to the front benches in the near future. "I was hounded out of my job by the press who seem to think they can do anything they like," he said. "The press might be free, but I'm the only one who's free to do whatever he likes. Anyway, all I did was allow a personal friend, who just so happened to be working as the agent of a foreign power, to follow me about the world pretending he worked for the government and fixing up shady deals in meetings he had no business attending. I mean, what's wrong with that? Being a backbencher has its advantages to be honest - I'm now free to say what I want as well as doing what I like. The downside is that I don't get the bungs I used to and I can no longer afford to galavant about the world, striking heroic poses and pretending to be important. Still I now have time to do little jobs about the house - installing a safe in my bedroom to keep the bribes in, that sort of thing."

George Osborne Slips Into Something More Comfortable.

George Osborne, rumoured to be Chancellor of the Exchequer, has today announced a £1 billion stimulus package to the economy. Sporting his new Keynsian image he was heard to say "Does my wallet look big in this?" We asked a Tory insider for the party's views; "Man's gone completely orf his head don't you know. What did a professional economist like Keynes know compared to the blessed Margaret Thatcher? It will all end in tears." Unable to get any sense out of the Tory party we turned to our own economic analyst Dr.Cassandra Pythia for her view; "It seems the plan is to throw the money at capital projects that will benefit utility companies and telecommunications. It might create a couple of thousand jobs across the country, including 500 jobs for the ex-servicemen they threw out of work in the first place, which will enable the Tories to claim that "private enterprise" is coming to the rescue after all. But that's about it. Considering the billions that this recession has cost the country so far and the billions poured into the pockets of bankers, £1 billion is pocket change. The other side of the coin is the loss of yet more worker's rights and even less job security in an economy that will still be tanking."

Sunday, 30 October 2011

Citibank "Arrests" Customers.

Customers of Citibank in New York have been arrested for trying to close their own accounts. Twenty-one Occupy Wall Street protestors enetered the bank and asked politely to close their accounts but bank employees called the police and reported that their bank was being illegally occupied. New York police advised the bank to lock their doors to keep the customers imprisoned until they could get there to arrest them. Effectively the bank was using the New York police force as their own private security. The reason for all this is that banks never keep enough cash to allow all their customers to withdraw all of their money and this is a very real threat to their existence.

Serpico Rumoured To Be Surveiling Occupy Wall Street.

New York Cop Maces Violent Protestor.

Nice to see what bankers pay their taxes for.

Britain To Allow Armed Security On Ships.

David Cameron has announced that British merchant ships, both of them, will be allowed to carry armed guards when in the Indian Ocean. "We've conducted a great deal of research into the subject and have found that, suprisingly, pirates tend not to attack ships that are armed to the teeth. The research, which was extremely detailed and consisted of asking someone with a brain for his opinion, showed quite conclusively that Somali pirates don't like being shot at. We've also concluded that having a Kalashnikov shoved under the noses of merchant marine sailors make them nervous and it has to stop. This is not to say that we haven't considered the health and safety implications and I can assure the families of pirates that, if the pirates are killed, it will not affect their claims for family allowance back home in Britain."

Bishop Of London Not Aware Of What His Brain Thinks.

The Bishop of London, Richard Chatres pictured above, doesnt know what he thinks it was revealed today. When asked if he supported the eviction of protestors from St.Paul's he replied, "Who knows? Who knows?" Presumably not him then. We asked him for an explaination; "When one has spent one's life considering irrational ideas it is easy to not understand what you're actually thinking about. Since modern economics passeth all understanding, it is hardly surprising that I don't even understand where I stand on the issue. I've spoken to God about it but he wasn't much help - he doesn't understand modern economics either. I am sure, however, that Jesus would support the eviction since he was famous for his close relationship with bankers and the stock exchange. Did he not say; "My father's house is full of many masions?" I don't suppose for one moment that the protestors own many mansions. I hasten to add that I have no problem with anyone protesting as long as they do it in such a way that nobody notices. The Church has engaged with the finance industry on this subject for about 2,000 years and we expect a breakthrough in our discussions any century now. I would ask the protestors to be patient and await the outcome of those discussions - preferably somewhere else."

Hypocrisy Is The New Democracy.

Unable to cope with the demands of democracy, western leaders have decided to concentrate on their preferred political ideology - hypocrisy. As the New York police violently attack the "Occupy Wall Street" protestors and the Church of England backs the eviction of "Occupy London," western leaders prefer to highlight the same things going on in Syria. "The Syrian government is attacking demonstrators who are merely trying to obtain deomcratic rights," a Tory party spokesperson told us. "Whereas western governments are attacking demonstrators because they are trying to exercise them. There's a world of difference between the two." Meanwhile Klaus Regling, the Eurozone bailout chief pictured above, is visiting China cap in hand in order to flog Europe to them lock stock and barrel. "I see no paradox in western capitalism having to beg communist China to save its neck. Economic inequality and the exploitation of our own people are principles that are worth any amount of humiliation to preserve. And if that means selling off assets that are actually owned by 99% of the population in order the save the wealth of the privileged 1%, then so be it."

Cern Detects Berlusconi Travelling Faster Than Light.

Italy's handsome and debonair President, Silvio Berlusconi, has been detected at Cern travelling faster than light as he heads for hills. "We we're amazed," Professor Brian Cox told "The News In Shorts." "Neutrinos travelling faster than light are one thing but a leading Italian politician - that's left us scratching our heads I can tell you." We asked an Italian parliamentary spokesperson for an explaination; "Its the latest news about the interest rates our country now has to pay on its debts. Poor Silvio took one look and took off like a rocket, clutching a photograph of Mussolini and muttering to himself "I hope they only hang me up by my ankles." Fortunately for us most of our debt is actually owned by Italians - fine upstanding citizen organizations like the "Camora" and "Mafia Mothers Against Paying Tax." He was particulalry worried by rumours that "Occupy Rome" had seized possession of the Colosseum and was threatening to feed bankers and politicians to the lions."

Canada To Change Its National Emblem.

In a controversial move Canada has proposed dropping the beaver as their national emblem in favour of the polar bear. We asked a polar bear for her response; "It's very nice of them," she told our reporter, "but personally I come from Greenland. I have nothing against Canada - I visit it often - but I wouldn't want to live there. I do feel sorry for the beavers - I have lots of beaver friends - but I think their reputation has suffered over the last few years because of an unfortunate association with an American slang term for - well you know what I mean. I know many Cannuks are getting tired of Americans shouting over the border, "Seen any beaver lately?" and things like that." We turned to the beaver community for its view; "We are very disappointed," a spokesbeaver told our reporter. "We've approached our local representatives and are beavering away at mounting a counter-campaign, but its an uphill struggle. Of course its complicated because Canadians keep trying to skin us and that can be annoying. I have nothing against polar bears personally - though their table manners are terrible - but are they the right symbol for Canada? The sealion community is totally against the change and have mounted a campaign illustrated with a blood-spattered polar bear eating one of their number."

Saturday, 29 October 2011

London Under Attack By Filthy Foreigners.

David Cameron has warned that the City of London is under attack from Europe. "Johnnie Foreigner is at it again," he told our reporter. "Having heroically beaten them off twice during the 20th century I call on the British people to resist, once again, the forces of evil that are ranged against us. Led by Brussels, filthy foreigners are attempting to regulate our finance industry and take away their freedom to do whatever they want. This is an affront to the traditional freedom of the City to steal whatever it can get its hands on without worrying about the consequences. We are already having to deal with a sneak attack on St.Paul's Cathedral from a fifth column of traitorous concerned citizens that might well have been successful if not for a timely counter-attack by the Church of England. As we once battled against the evils of Nazism we must now battle against the evils of regulation. We will fight them on the beaches...."

Cameron To Cut Benefits To Criminals.

David Cameron, the world's first part time Prime Minister, has announced a new policy initiative aimed at making sure that "crime doesn't pay." "Benefits to criminals should be cut in order to send the right message," he told our reporter. We asked an unnamed Tory party insider for his reaction; "All very well but how am I and my fellow MP's supposed to get by on less money? Most of us only came into politics because it was money for old rope. Now we have to explain every penny we spend on expenses and sometimes its difficult to account for things. Is it reasonable to expect me to get a receipt for everything I expect taxpayers to pay for? Now I have to bring in my bills from Fortnum & Mason's, my utility bills, fuel bills and even the bill for cleaning the duckhouse in my moat. Its so bad that sometimes I'm forced to pay for things myself. As for the banks, we don't dare cut their bonuses in case they turn really nasty and refuse to offer us jobs when we're eventually thrown out of Parliament." We pointed out that David Cameron was not talking about the criminal class at Westminster or working for banks, but ordinary thieves, burglars and the like. "Oh, those criminals," the Tory insider replied. "Floggin' is too good for them. They should be sentenced to transportation to that place Dave's visiting at the moment - Australia. If prison isn't working they should be given longer sentences until they're too old and infirm to commit any further crimes. As for money, they shouldn't get any - that will cure the current crime wave."

Tories Entertained By Murderous Regime.

Three Tory MP's, Nadine Dorries, Steve Baker and Caroline Noakes, have been on a five-star all-expenses paid junket to Equatorial Guinea funded by the murderous dictator Teodora Obiang pictured above. After visiting the country, where political opponents are routinely tortured and most of the country lives in abject poverty despite having vast oil reserves, the Tory trio described human rights violations there as "trivial." We asked one of them, who cannot be identified for tax reasons, for a statement; "I can't see what all the fuss is about. President Obiang was perfectly lovely and charmingly eager to show us his collection of shrunken heads and Adolf Hitler memorabilia. The fact that his country is full of bone-idle scroungers is hardly his fault, while his vast fortune is the result of hard work and well-earned bonuses. The reason for our visit was to assess his version of the "Great Society" which, as anyone can see, has been an outstanding success in Equatorial Guninea. I hasten to add that oil had nothing to do with our visit, although we are always interested in meeting anyone, no matter how obnoxious, who has access to it."

Friday, 28 October 2011

Cameron: Director's Pay and Protestors Both Causes For "Concern"

David Cameron, famous for being the world's first part-time Prime Minister has expressed his "concern" over director's pay and the St.Paul's protestors. "It must be a matter of concern when director's award themselves huge pay rises while ordinary people find it increasingly hard to make ends meet. Not too much to be honest since I've always believed that the wealthy have a God-given right to do whatever they like. So I shall approach this problem with a touch of false disaproval and a large amount of total unconcern. Now when it comes to the protestors I will approach this with a touch of false support for democracy and a large amount of utter disdain. These people, if they really want to protest, should stay at home and write letters to the "Times" and suchlike. Protest is perfectly acceptable as long as it isn't effective or inconvenient for anyone. In this case St.Paul's is losing money and, as everyone knows, the Church of England was originally set up as a profit-making concern. I am quite sure that Jesus would approve of evicting the protestors given his own bad experience of annoying the authorities and the loss of income this caused him being killed and whatnot."

Tories Concentrate On The Middle Ages.

The economy might be tanking, inflation might be raging and unemployment skyrocketing but the Tories have their heads firmly in the Middle Ages - probably where they belong - as they announce changes to the laws of succession in, of all places, Australia. We asked David Cameron what the hell he thought he was doing and, perhaps more importantly, why?; "This has been a burning question for some time amongst senior Tory MP's and, of course, the House of Lords. We've been very worried as to what would happen if Prince William was to have a daughter before having a son. We live in a modern world and sexual equality is very important. Not for the Lords, I hasten to add, where the rules of succession will remain the same, but for the new trendy Royal Family. Then there's the question of diverting attention away from our woeful showing as far as the rest of the country is concerned. We can't have the peasants being restive and there's nothing like a good story about Royalty to take their minds off things. Democracy's a bitch at times I can tell you and bloody inconvenient. Look at the protestors at St.Paul's. I agree they should be able to protest but they should do it at home where they can't annoy anyone. Anyway - with no Royal wedding on the horizon and no war to take up headlines we had to do something. We chose to do it in Australia because they love the Royal Family - probably because they don't have to pay for them."

Directors Pay In Top British Companies Rises By 50%.

While the vast majority of ordinary British citizens struggle to meet their bills, fear for their jobs, accept derisory pay "increases" that don't even keep pace with inflation and are crucified by government, fatcat company directors of top companies have awarded themselves a staggering 50% pay increase in the last year. We asked a leading company spokesman for the reason; "Well, we all know the world economy is buggered - we should, we buggered it - so we're basically feathering our own nests before the soft stuff hits the fan. Think of it like the Titanic. The ship's sinking and the first class passengers have grabbed all the lifeboats leaving the rest of you scum to thrash about in the freezing water." We asked a leading economist from Oxford University what could be done to curb corporate greed; "Having carefully analysed market trends and studied corporate psychology my solution is to hang the son's of bitches from the nearest lamp post. They won't stop grabbing as much money as they can lay their sticky fingers on until the life's choked out of them. These people are not simply greedy they are positively evil and should be expunged for the good of the human race. Either that or we could politely ask them to desist. It's up to you."

Thursday, 27 October 2011

Margaret Thatcher Still Costing Taxpayers Over £100,000 Per Year.

Margaret Thatcher, who inflicted more damage on this country and its democracy than any other individual in its history, is still costing £100,000 per year it was revealed today. Under legislation passed by John Major in 1991 ex-Prime Ministers are entitled to this level of support for unspecified duties. This includes John Major himself, of course, but also Tony Blair and Gordon Brown making a total of £400,000 per year of taxpayers money. We asked our political editor for his comments; "Well you don't think that Maggie keeps herself in gin from her own resources do you? You have to understand that once these bloodsuckers get their fangs in they never let go - they have their hands in your pocket for as long as they live. Of course our politicians vote themselves all sorts of little earners without bothering to tell the rest of us. Not only are they corrupt, they are so corrupt they've forgotten what the word means. They are above the law and beyond any sense of shame. They like to talk about a sense of entitlement amongst the unemployed but that's as nothing compared to their sense of entitlement."

Some Banks Are Breaking The Law For Gain.

In the wake of the £75 billion issued by the Bank Of England as "quantative easing" at least one commercial bank has been caught trying to illeglly manipulate the market and rip taxpayers off. The unnamed bank was caught attempting to purchase gilts ahead of an auction to drive the price up and then sell them back to the Bank of England at a profit. We asked our economics expert for his view of this; "Banks are essentially completely out of control and feel able to break the law at will. They now believe that, if threatened with prosecution, all they have to do is threaten to bring down the financial system and governments will give way to this blackmail. So far, of course, they've been absolutey right. This is just another battle in the war that has broken out between the world financial industry and national governments to decide who actually rules the world. So far, at least, the banks are winning as politicians have conducted a less than masterly retreat, while the inability of governments to fight effectively is a reflection of the fact that the banks have been paying their wages in the form of bribes for many years now. The only effective opposition to the banks has come not from governments but from ordinary people such as the "Occupy" protestors. Unfortunately such protestors represent as big a danger to governments as they do to the banks which is why they're on their own."

St.Paul's Protestors and MP's.

Many protestors at St.Paul's don't actually stay overnight it has been claimed after police took infrared photographs of their camp in the early hours of the morning. "This is disgusting," an unnamed Tory MP told our reporter, "and goes to prove that they aren't proper protestors at all. We are thinking of passing legislation to lay down the percentage of protestors that must stay overnight to qualify as proper protestors." In the meantime we sent one of our photographers down to the House of Commons with an ordinary digital camera to see how many MP's turn up for work every day. The resulting photgraph is published above.

Cannon Cancellor Of St. Paul's Resigns.

The Cannon Chancellor of St.Paul's Cathedral, Dr. Giles Fraser pictured above, has resigned today because of his differences with the Cathedral authorities over the "Occupy" protestors. The organisers of the protest had nothing but warm words for Dr.Fraser who has demonstrated his genuine decency over the last two weeks of the protest. We asked the Cathedral authorities for their view on the matter; "Dr.Fraser is a decent man," a spokesperson from the Church of England told our reporter, "but we feel he might be a little too Christian for the modern Church. I'm absolutely positive that, if Jesus were alive today, he would agree with us. His throwing out the moneychangers from the Temple has long been seen as a great mistake since it cut off the early church from valuable income streams as well as the influence they could have had on the Roman state. I think that where Dr.Fraser went wrong was in regarding St.Paul's as a place of worship instead of a source of income. We in the modern Church of England have long seen ourselves as a branch of the heritage industry rather than anything else and all this nonsense about championing the poor and disenfranchised is a bit old hat. The most important thing is that tourists visiting the site should be given every opportunity to part themselves from their money in keeping with our long tradition of money-grubbing. This present protest has delayed plans for the cathedral to install a cashpoint machine in the gift shop and that is intolerable." We asked the spokesperson about donations from the financial industry for the recent £40 million restoration. "Well, there's another thing. These protestors have suggested we shouldn't have accepted money from such sources because of their involvment in wars and whatnot. The point is that these wars have all been fought in countries that don't have the Church of England and, therefore, are of no concern to us."

Most Support Squeeze On Welfare.

Figures out today suggest that most people in Britain support a squeeze on welfare. "There is a sense of entitlement in this country and it must stop," John Humphries from the BBC and who has recently made a documentary on the subject told our reporter. We asked members of the public in a straw poll for their views; "Oh yes," one city banker told us, "these scroungers should be put up against a wall and shot." "I believe everything the BBC tells me," one woman told us. "You only have to watch "Eastenders" to see what's going on in the country. Now this has been pointed out to me I will vote Tory forever." To balance this out we asked an expert on the subject from Birmingham University for his view; "Many of these people come from families that haven't had paid work for 30 years. They were originally thrown out of work by the Tories who destroyed entire industries in order to break the unions and to allow a flood of cheap imports into the country. These victims of greed are now cast in the role of villains, as scroungers. Now the wealthy are using taxpayers money to support finance companies where they have their money invested and throwing even more out of work in order to do so. To keep their taxes low they are determined that they will not pay for benefits and so identify those out of work as "scroungers" as an alibi. Meanwhile the BBC, the Tory party as a newspaper, are diseminating the myth to the rest of the population who fall for it because they are stupid."

Wednesday, 26 October 2011

Tory MP Declares War On The Occupy London Protest.

Mike Weatherly, Tory MP for Hove and described by his closest friends as a "smug, self-satisfied git" and famous for having married a prostitute, has declared himself ready to personally boot protestors out the precincts of St. Pauls; "How dare these people exercise their right to peaceful protest when the Tory party doesn't agree with them. I personally am ready to roll up my sleeves and wade in to eject this scum them from St.Paul's." We asked our political editor for his view of this outburst; "The Tories have always had a problem with democracy since they don't actually believe in it. To them the whole 19th and 20th centuries have been nothing but one long inconvenience. As for ejecting "scum" from St.Pauls, it would be a better idea to eject the scum that presently occupy Westminster. As for personally ejecting the protestors - only if he had around a thousand policemen in front of him making sure he didn't chip his nail varnish."

My Name Is Mervyn King - I Don't Know Why But There It Is.

Mervyn King, pictured above cooking the books, has suggested bribing the banks to get them to cooperate and do the job they're supposed to do. "We could put money into ordinary people's pockets to stimulate the economy," he told our reporter, "but that would be socialism. So, instead, I propose to bribe the banks with more taxpayers money to "encourge" them to do what they're supposed to do. Now I understand perfectly well that the banks will trouser the money without lifting a finger to help the wider economy, but I can't see what else we can do. At least that will give the impression to a practically unconscious public that we're doing something."

(Please Note That Only Those Over The Age Of 50 Will Understand The "Harry Worth" Connection.)

Tory Eurosceptics Offered Blood Sacrifice.

In a desperate attempt to save his career David Cameron has offered a sacrifice to his rebellious anti-European bankbenchers - us. We asked the world's first part-time Prime Minister for his comments; "It all came to me in a flash as I was talking to that French bloke - Teacozy or whatever. Europe wants my cooperation and Tory Eurosceptics want my blood so why not combine both? If Johnnie Foreigner wants my cooperation what should I ask for in return - regaining control of our borders, a rebate on our contributions or more say over the Euro? No. What I'm going to ask for is an opt out from European employment law. That way Tory Eurosceptics get a concession from Europe and I offer workers blood to them instead of my own. Perfect! This is politics in its purest form - a compromise that saves my skin by selling voters, who don't count, down the river. Better yet the business community, the only people who really count, will see me as a hero."

Tories "Considering" Removing All Employee Rights.

In a leaked document it has been revealed that the Tories are "considering" removing the last vestige of workers rights in Britain by denying them legal redress for wrongful dismissal. We asked a leading Tory for his comments; "Disgraceful isn't it? Someone leaking a private document to the press. But that aside, we think that this is the only way for Britain to recover from the present recession. It's a well known fact that denying democratic rights to workers is a sure fire way to improve the economy. Along with contracts that are not worth the paper they're written on, this will make all the difference to morale in the business community. We have been heartened by the puny response to our letting the bankers off the hook and too the public belief that all protest is the work of criminals and anarchists." Meanwhile there has been a different response from the legal profession who have just woken up to the fact that this will remove their access to a very lucrative gravy train; "This is a bleeding disaster," one distressed lawyer told our reporter. "We were making a mint out of all the illegal sackings that companies have been trying to pull and, with the present recession, we looking forward to a bonanza. Now business is going to be allowed to get away with murder and we're left with bugger all except divorce, PPI scams and ambulance chasing. Still, it does mean I can sack half my workforce and make the rest work like dogs if they want to keep their jobs. Oh well, every cloud has a silver lining."

LibDems In Yet Another Betrayal Of Principle.

LibDem peers have signalled an end to their resistence to Andrew Lansley's NHS bill after getting waht they consider a "key" concession from the Minister. We asked a LibDem peer, who for obvious reasons wishes to remain anonymous, for his comments; "The Minister for Health has given way on a matter which consider to be of great importance - he has conceeded that the Minister will remain responsible for the running of the NHS rather than foist it off onto a quango. This is of great significane since, in our opinion, it gives the LibDems an alibi as we stand by and watch the Tories flog off healthcare to various scumbags, crooks and charlatans. We can all now breath a sigh of relief after disharging our responsibilities to the sick and useless without appearing, in our judgement, to betray our principles - what few we have left." Andrew Lansley was besides himself with joy; "This is a great day for democracy - at least for those who still have access to it. Now we can get on and improve the NHS by sacking as many nursing staff and doctors as possible and getting back to first principles in healthcare - taking advantage of the weak, sick and helpless, those that can afford it at any rate."

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

European Politicians Run For The Hills.

The much-vaunted European bailout plan has met with yet another delay with a meeting on Wednesday postponed. We asked an EU insider for the reason; "The problem is that taxpayers will ultimately have to stump up for all this and each European leader differs in what he can get away with at home. The Germans are worried that their voters won't much like bankrolling the rest of Europe, while the Italians are worried that their voters won't actually let them get away with austerity measures. Meanwhile the Brits are trying to encourage everyone to commit economic suicide as they're doing because Britsh voters, unlike most Europeans, haven't got a clue as to what's going on. The French are worried about their farmers, still ploughing fields with teams of oxen, while the Spanish are terrified at the number of apartments blocks they will have to demolish after failing to fill them with British buyers trying to escape the government at home. As for Portugal, don't get me started." After this pithy analysis we asked George Osborne for his view; "Couldn't give a monkies to be honest," he told us. "I'm sick to death of telling Johnnie Foreigner how throwing everyone out of work will do the trick. They should take a leaf out of our book - tell the electorate one thing, do another and then lie about it. As far as politics are concerned these European are amateurs. At the end of the day economics is just a fancy word for screwing taxpayers and feathering your own nest."

A Party Political Broadcast On Behalf Of The Coalition Party.

BP Continues To Fleece Its Customers.

BP announced profits today that have nearly tripled since last year. "This is money for old rope," a BP spokesperson tod "The News In Shorts." "When the price of oil goes up we make more money because we sell oil, but that also gives us an excuse to put the price of petrol up - so its a double whammy with customers on the receiving end. Even when we cause an ecological disaster like we did in the Gulf of Mexico this year we still win - oil production goes down, the price goes up and we're laughing all the way to the bank. We've stiched up deals with corrupt governments all over the world - Angola, Mexico and Britain are prime examples - and, in response, our shares have gone up in value by 4.5% - Kerching!"

George Osborne Rewards Tax Dodgers.

The deal hammered about between Britain and Switzerland over tax avoidance will return less money than the government claims and, with the loopholes left in it, might actually cost more than is collected. We asked George Osborne pictured above for his view; "I know, brilliant isn't it? Working out tax loopholes that wouldn't be immediately obvious was quite a challenge I can tell you. It's no good having a deal like this if any Tom, Dick or Harry can work out what you've been up to. In fact the loopholes are so obscure it should guarantee the future for such useful people as lawyers, accountants and finance advisors for many years. Since most of my friends and most MP's just so happen to be lawyers, accountants and financial advisors, this will prove very popular in the country - or at least in that part of the country that counts for anything. Its also a great relief to know that I can no longer be prosecuted for illiegally keeping funds in Switzerland without paying tax under present British rules. That's the brill thing about being in government - you can pass laws that protect yourself while, at the same time, screwing everyone else."

Michael Gove Punishes Children.

Michael Gove pictured above, Minister for Reeducation and winner of this year's "Mr.Bean Lookalike" competition, has succeeded in his aim to punish children for not voting Tory. "We're very pleased at our progress," Mr.Gove told our reporter. "We've now managed to bring spending down faster than at any time since the 1950's, mainly by refusing to spend on capital projects. This has two very welcome effects - it puts children into slum schools to match their slum housing and it further depresses the British economy by reducing employment in the building industry. My next step is to reduce the English reading list to one book "Swallows and Amazons" - a book that was highly popular in the 1950's and, coincidentally, published by a publishing house that is owned by me. We had thought of using "My Family And Other Animals" but decided the title was too collectivist - "Swallows and Amazons," we think, injects a more competative element."

Monday, 24 October 2011

Tories Appoint Dead Peer As An "Enterprise Advisor"

David Cameron, the world's first part-time Prime Minister, as appointed a new "Enterprise Advisor" in the form of Lord Young pictured above. The venerable peer, long thought to have died during the Thatcher era, is the same peer who resigned last year because he said that people "have never had it so good" - a quote from another dead Tory, Harold McMillan. We asked him for a comments about his new role; "I see it as cutting through all the red tape that surrounds business. Things like health and safety, the minimum wage, rights for workers and, of course, those people from the seventh circle of Hell - the Unions. I fully believe that if employers could kill their workers with impunity, pay them next to nothing and have the right to stifle all opposition, then business in Britain would surge ahead and create the kind of nation we could all be afraid of - sorry, proud of. All business problems can be solved by persecuting the workers - everyone who counts knows that."

Tories No Longer Trust Tories.

In a shock today for David Cameron it has been revealed that even the Tory party doesn't believe a word he says. "This used to be a really nice political party," a Tory insider told "The News In Shorts." "We'd show up at Westminster, settle down with a good whisky and soda and nod off, safe in the knowledge that we could ignore the lies told to us by the leader since they were in our interests. In those days we could choose to believe what we were told right up until the moment we stabbed the leader in the back. Now we have to have our wits about us I can tell you. I understand him lying about unemployment, the economy and poverty - unimportant stuff like that - but he's now lying about Europe as well. Everyone knows that nothing is more important to us than distrusting Johnnie Foreigner and his evil socialist ways and being lied to on this subject is unchartered territory for us. He promised us that, once in power, we'd be able to leave the EU and take up our old position of trading with the American Colonies and the rest of the Empire. He even promised that we could nuke Paris if we liked. Now he seems to be reneging - encouraging more integration in Europe, talking to Johnnie Foreigner as if they were equals and supporting the Euro. Knife sharpening time I think."

Cameron Told To Shut Up.

In a rare display of annoyance yesterday the French President begged David Cameron to shut up and stop nagging him. "That English prick just never gives up," the President told our reporter. "He's always full of "good advice" about the European economy which seems to consist purely of throwing everyone out of work and allowing businessmen to do whatever they like. I told him, it's all right for you but we in Europe actually have fully functioning democracies in which voters actually still have a choice. Having looked up "democracy" in a English-French dictionary he was nonplussed for a second or two but then carried on like I'd said nothing at all. Is that how British politicians carry on - not listening to a word that anyone says and completely ignoring reality?" We asked David Cameron for his take on the row; "Nicholas who? Oh, you mean the Frog. Yes, we had a few words yesterday. I was in the middle of telling him how to cure Europe's economic woes by starving the entire population to death and he cut in - just like that. He said I didn't have a clue what I was talking about and that France was a democracy, or whatever, and he couldn't just do what he liked. I countered with a riposte I learned during my debating days at Eton of which I'm particularly proud - "Dead people don't vote". Good, eh? He had no answer to that one - he just went red in the face and called me a tosser. Bloody rude if you ask me, but that's the problem with Johnnie Foreigner - no sense of proportion."

Tories Continue With Blame Game.

In a week where the British domestic economy has continued its nosedive, Europe has come back to bite the Tories and poverty has refused to go away, David Cameron has reverted to the usual Tory tactic of blaming the victims. In the cse of the economy it was a tale of how the debt crisis in Greece was affecting Britain's economic performance; "Oh yes," he told our reporter, "there can be no doubt that the crisis in a currency we are not part of and the economic crisis in a country in which we have little financial interest has blown us off course. This is due to a contra-ratating eliptical movement in the Eurozone which has resulted in many of our export companies pocketing profits instead of investing. As to poverty - as I said to the Blessed St. Margaret Thatcher only yesterday - we can make poverty a thing of the past. All we have to do is cut the poor off from any benefits and they'll all be dead in a fortnight. Problem solved. In any case I blame the last Labour government for all this since they resolutely refused to utterly destroy the economy in order to save us the trouble. I believe in small government - the less we have to do for our money the better as far as I'm concerned."

Sunday, 23 October 2011

Whats That Coming Over The Hill? Is It A Tory? Is It A Tory?

David Cameron, the world's first experiment in part-time leadership, has arrived in Brussels to tell Johnnie Foreigner how to run their economies. "I've come to explain to these European types how things should be done," he told our reporter. "George Osborne has done a great job explaining our position and I'm hoping he'll be able to explain it to me before I go into the meeting. However, from what I can gather from reading the newspapers, our economic plan is to put everyone out of work, get rid of benefits for the unemployed, sick and generally useless, assure that banker's get their well-earned bonuses and flog off as many national assets as the Chinese can afford. Greece has been doing sterling work along these lines and I'd like to congratulate them for showing the way forward. That French bloke - what's his name, Teacozy or whatever - has been a bit reluctant, especially after all those guillotines began to appear in Paris, but I think he's on side now. As for that German bint, Alison Sparkle or whatever her name is, she's being a bit more troublesome. Keeps whittering on about German voters and democracy - that sort of thing. I've told her - this is economics, democracy has got nothing to do with it."

Tories Tear Open Their Own Bandages.

In an astonishing display of outright stupidity the Tories have decided to put the interests of the nation on the backburner again to indulge in yet more navel gazing over Europe. "This is our opportunity," a swivel-eyed Lord Tebbit told strangers he had grabbed on the street. "Our European partners are on the backfoot so now's the time to put the knife in. Once were free of those dreadful European Johnnie Foreigner's we can get back to trading with our American cousins and the Empire. I've written a letter to Queen Victoria outlining my plans for a revitalised Britain based on the expansion of steam power and a new round of canal building." David Cameron has been reported as being beside himself with rage; "I'm beside myself with rage," he commented. "How dare old fossils like Lord Tebbit comment on this matter. That's up to our new generation of old fossils. I told the party not to do this, but did they listen? If they could just leave Europe alone to sort itself out and prevent a world economic meltdown, then we can get back to our trade links with the Empire and putting Victoria back on the throne where she belongs."

Tories Bedroom Controversy.

Tory plans to maximise the use of bedrooms in Britain has run into the buffers as arguments rage in the party as to the exact nature of bedrooms. "I believe that any room with a bed in it is a bedroom," a Tory spokesperson told our reporter. "The problem arises when stupid council tenants put divans in their sitting rooms. We are now contemplating banning the use of divans or declaring all rooms in council properties to be bedrooms. There is a case for this since people do sometimes fall asleep sitting on the loo or on kitchen floors after a typical working-class bout of binge drinking. There's been a real sticking point on whether a bedroom has to have a window in it and whether a skylight or dormer window actually constitutes a "window" as such. Then there's the problem of people living in cardboard boxes - do there constitute a bedsit or a single bedroom? Personally I think they are bedsits and, therefore, can accomodate more than one person. Unfortunately shop doorways don't count since they don't have windows - except for those looking in which don't count. Mind you come to think of it....."

Cameron Prmotes The Wrong MP.

In a highly embarassing developmen for David Cameron, Britian's first part-time Prime Minister, it was revealed today that he has promoted the wrong MP at the Treasury. "Mia culpa," the PM said in his best Latin, language of choice in the Tory Party. "I thought she was a qualified accountant, but it turns out that she's as unqualified and stupid as the rest of the party. Mind you there's not much damage done because she was promoted to the Treasury where being able to count isn't really important." We asked George Osborne, rumoured to be Chancellor of the Exchequer for his views; "I'm not too worried. Chloe Smith might have no discernable qualifications for a job at the Treasury but, then again, neither have I. In fact she's better qualified to run the economy than me, but so is nearly eveyone else in the country. This will certainly make no difference to my economic strategy - taking the country back to the halcyon days of the stone age."

Saturday, 22 October 2011

The "Independent" Draws Parallels With 1848

"The great questions of the day will not be answered by the deliberation of majorities, that was the great mistake of 1848-9, but by iron and blood." - Otto Von Bismarck.

Be careful what you wish for, you might get more than you bargained for.

"Oh" Indeed!

Bankers Rescued From Themselves - Again.

In the wake of the high powered meeting in Europe to settle the debt crisis it has emerged that the banks are to get yet more billions of taxpayers euros. "We are confident this will do the trick," George Osborne, rumoured to be Britain's Chancellor of the Exchequer, told reporters. "We've now firmly established the principle of socialism for bankers and unfettered capitalism for everyone else. We fully expect that the next time the bankers go nuts and invest in some insane Ponzi scheme they'll now have enough taxpayers money to ride out any storm. If not we've also reached agreement that we'll simply squeeze taxpayers for even more money. As for the banks we've increased their confidence enough to prevent them biting their own tails and downgrading everyone's credit rating - including their own." Christine Lagarde, head of IMF because she's never attempted to rape anyone, was beside herself with joy; "Liquidity should no longer be a problem, especially after we've put every European taxpayer through the blender. The most important thing is that the banks will stop threatening to commit suicide if we don't do what they want. I've been very concerned that the best talent in banking would upstakes and move to Mars but that seems very unlikely now."

Saint Paul's Faces Closure And Possible Bankruptcy.

Saint Paul's Cathedral may have to be closed because of the "Occupy" protestors. "It's all very embarassing," the Dean of St.Paul's told us today. "The founder of our religion, Jesus Christ, would probably have supported the protestors having thrown the moneylenders out of the Temple, but what did he know? Today's modern church is dependent on a steady income and if this goes on we are in danger of losing money - we might even have to file for bankruptcy. I've been talking to God and He's told me to go forth and tell the protestors to bugger off and picket the Stock Exchange. And there's a fire hazard as well with all these hippies cooking food and lighting up joints. The dome of St.Paul's is made of wood you know." We asked one of the protestors for his point of view; "I know we've become a bit of an inconvenience, but that's the point isn't it? We would picket the Stock Exchange but the fuzz won't let us. As to the fire hazard - if Hitler couldn't burn it down with incendiary bombs I don't think we will." The Home Secretary was beside herself with rage; "These people are preventing Johnnie Foreigner from visiting the place and they're very dissapointed. Tourism is the most important business in Britain, especially after we dismantled manufacturing, and St.Paul's is the finest example of free enterprise in the country. We had plans to fill the place with wax figures depicting Jesus blessing capitalism, but we've had to put that on the backburner now."

Hammond Fires Starting Gun For Libya.

Philip Hammond pictured above, the recently appointed Minister of Defence, has signalled a mad scramble for business opportunities in Libya. "It's bloody marvelous," he told "The News In Shorts." "We bomb the crap out of Libya - with the permission of the present owners - and then get to repair all the damage we've caused. This is capitalism at it's best - self sustaining and creating opportunities for itself wherever it can. Better yet we can replace all that crappy Russian equipment the Libyan army was saddled with. We not only get the contract for spare parts, we know where their weaknesses are if we have to bomb the crap out of them again. Pack your bags boys, Libya's open for business!" We asked a leading British manufacturer of toilet furniture for his comments; "We've got to get in before the bloody Italians - my bag's already packed and I'm on the next BMI flight into Benghazi to sell our new range of self-flushing loos. We expect to find a great deal of pent up demand. We always do in hot countries with dodgy food and dead bodies lying all over the place."

Cameron Throws A Wobbly.

David Cameron, the world's first part-time Prime Minister, has thrown his toys out of the pram over an "independent" enquiry into party funding. The enquiry has concluded that there should be a cap on party donations of £10,000 from individuals but that the Labour party should continue to be funded by the Unions. David Cameron immediately got someone else, Lord Andrew Feldman of Elstree, to voice his objections. "We were hoping to cut the legs off the Labour party," the Lord complained to our reporter, "now we find that these gits are going to stop tax-dodging millionaires from bribing us. It's not fair." We asked an unnamed member of the enquiry for his views; "The problem is that Cameron couldn't pack the enquiry with rabid Tories. It's independent - that's why its called an independent enquiry."

Friday, 21 October 2011

Tories Become Even Crazier Than Before.

As Colonel Gadaffi was busy entertaining his constituents and Nick Clek Clegg waxed lyrical about "grotesque tyrants" without a trace of irony, the Tory Party has been quietly going insane again over Europe. We asked an influential member of the 1922 Committee for his views; "Europe? Don't talk to me about Europe - full of bloody Johnnie Foreigner and bureucrats, don't you known hurumph. Take this bloody human rights things for instance. What do bloody Europeans know about human rights? We were exercising our human rights by invading them before most of them even had a unified country for Christ's sake. Now we have to kowtow to European mandarins while they lecture us about minimum wage and twaddle like that. We'll all be better off when we get back to trading with the Empire again." Meanwhile David Cameron was still celebrating his victory over Colonel Gadaffi and pointing out that Libya has been nothing like Iraq even though he supported the invasion of Irag and Afghanistan. "I blame Labour," he told our reporter. "It was they who took us into Europe wasn't it? No? Oh, I thought they did. Anyway, its still all their fault. Thank God for Gadaffi. If he hadn't chosen to get himself killed today it would have been all over the newspapers again."

Tories Tackle Social Inequality.

With crime rates now revealed to be rising, unemployment rising steadily, inflation reaching low orbit and the economy grinding to a complte halt, the Tory party has decided to launch an attack on social inequality. "The way forward has been revealed to us by the blesssed Ian Duncan Smith," a Tory spokesperson told us. "His announcement that he intended to intervene at the moment of conception to prevent crime raised the possibility of other insane policy initiatives. We are now considering closing all schools where parents stubbornly refuse to vote for us for instance. Another initiative is making the unemployed sign an underatking to vote Tory for the rest of their lives in order to get benefits. But our most exciting initiative involves putting our fingers in our ears and shouting "lah,lah,lah" as loudly as possible. David Cameron has already made a start on this by visiting Wales and telling the Welsh that Labour is responsible for undermining the NHS and closing schools. Stopping people from taking their employers to a tribunal was also a great step forward and we believe that our "ignoring voters completely" campaign will pay dividends in the long run."

Ian Duncan Smith Declares War On The Unborn.

In yet another incoherent and insane rant the Minister for Work and Pensions has decided to attack unborn children. "Gang culture amongst foetuses has reached dangerous levels," he told our reporter. "Innocent pregnant women are being terrorised by their unborn chavs and it must stop. I propose that social workers should be encourged to shout up birth canals to make these unborn thugs think again. As the Tory party has always maintained it is a matter of breeding. The unborn of working class people have a natural propensity for criminal conspiracy in the womb, while the unborn of the wealthy are too busy reading poetry and considering their parents investment portfolio. I am considering intervening at the moment of conception by appointing inspectors to stand by while chavs make the beast with two backs and remind them of their parental responsibilities." Karyn McClusky, head of the violent reduction unit in Scotland, was inspired by IDS so much that she declared; "I am declaring war on gang-related foetus crime and I warn them now that is they continue to get themselves conceived I will turn up at their parents homes with 9,000 cops and have them forcibly aborted. I'm that powerful."

Lords Very Concerned About Laws Of Succession.

The House of Lords, having disposed of the NHS, have now turned to a new question of burning moment. Should their female progeny be allowed to inherit titles instead of their eldest sons? "This is an urgent matter," Lord Snooty told our reporter, "and goes to the heart of modern politics in Britain. Wether my daughter or son inherits my title is of vital importance to the country. People like to know that they are being ruled by a master and not by a mistress - though I personally love being ruled by my mistress. If the law is changed there will lots of disappointed sons out there who happen to have older sisters and, of course, many of these sons have borrowed large amounts of money against their inheritance. If they don't inherit they might have to get jobs to pay of their debts and that would never do. My own family fortune was founded on a protection racket established during the Middle Ages by a male ancestor who had a sword and a horse. God know's what would have happened if that ancestor had been a woman - there's not much glory in grabbing a fortune flat on your back is there? But the most important point is that changing the law would bring the Middle Ages to an end and that might signal the end of the Lords. That must be avoided at all costs."

Thursday, 20 October 2011

Tory Councilors Give Themselves A Pay Rise.

In an incredibly sensitive move Cambridgeshire County Council have awarded themselves a 25% pay rise as they make council workers redundant. We asked the leader of the council for his comments; "We've given ourselves a modest 25% pay increase in order to encourge people from less priviliged backgrounds to become councillors. I mean you wouldn't want to become a councillor and find you can't afford to buy champagne and caviar would you? We have to maintain certain standards and, anyway, we deserve it for being so efficient in sacking as many council workers as we have. Councillors work incredibaly hard - taking backhanders from local businessmen and handing out favours to our mates. It's a matter of increasing choice and I choose to screw the system for whatever I can get."

Is Liam Fox The New Cicero?

Marcus Tullius Cicero, pictured above, was famous as a politician for his use of "spin." As Consul in 63BC he condemned fellow Roman citizens, suspected of being implicated in the "Cataline Conspiracy," to death by strangulation. In a speech afterwards he was unable to bring himself to admit what he had done and, rather than announce that the conspirators were dead, announced "They have lived." There has probably been no better example of a politician distancing himself from guilt in the last 2,000 years. Until yesterday, that is, when Liam Fox announced that ministerial rules "were found to have been breached." We asked what he meant; "Well, they had been found, that is discovered, to have been mysteriously broken for no apparent reason. One moment they were intact and the next they were found broken. It's tragic but no one in parliament, least of all me, is to blame. I blame the manufacturer who obviously foisted off an inferior product on us. Caveat Emptor and all that."

Tories: Panicked Over Europe, Unintelligible and Economic Morons.

Another day another dollar, as our American cousins would say, as the Tories continue to demonstrate that they are a comedy act with few laughs and even fewer jokes. PricewaterhouseCoopers, the leading accountancy firm, has apealed to the government to ease up on its strategy of cutting because it is now obviously harming the economy. The chair of the Royal College of Doctors has described Andrew Lansley's plans for the NHS as "unintelligible" and impossible to impliment. Then, to cap it all, David Cameron has had to bring forward a debate on a referendum for whether Britin should stay in the EU because he's afraid of being ousted from power while he's away in Australia next week. We asked a Tory insider for his views; "Frankley were buggered but its important that the electorate don't know that. We've flattened the economy for the sake of an outdated and irrelevant ideology, wrecked the NHS just because we can and now Europe has reappeared to bite us in the ass. I don't know why we bother." - Us neither.

Mike Hancock: Probably The Sexiest Man In Parliament.

Mike Hancock, pictured above and the LibDem MP at the centre of a spying scandal, has been revealed as the sexiest man in Parliament after resigning from the Commons defence committee. "You either have to believe that my young, blonde girlfriend, Katia Zatulveter is a Russian spy, or that I am so incredibly attractive that young women fall at my feet," Mr.Hancock told our reporter. "As you can see I have more than a passing resemblance to George Clooney and it is that, rather than any possibility of spying, that explains why this very attractive girl spent so much time trying to suck my face off. I've always had this effect on young Russian women. But, when you're as handsome, witty and debonair as myself you get used to it. It is sheer coincidence, of course, that Katia has been in the habit of "cultivating" politicians with defence connections. My view is that this girl cannot resist men like me since its a well known fact that politicians are the sexiest men on the planet - me especially."

So How Does Democracy Work Again?

Politicians make promises they have no intention of keeping (technically this is called "lying") to get us to vote for them. Once in power they refuse to do what they've promised and, instead, do things they failed to mention during the election. When voters object to them doing things they failed to mention during the election they ignore them. When voters, tired of being ignored, take to the streets they are arrested (though they are often released immediately because they shouldn't have been arrested in the first place). In the meantime the politicians also accept payments from large corportions (who have no vote because they are corporations and not individual citizens) to do things they failed to mention during the elections (which effectively means that corporations actually have all the votes). At the same time politicians, who technically work for us, vote tax exemptions, pay increases, expenses for things that the rest of us have to pay for ourselves and give themselves permission to break all those rules put in place to control them. They never apologise, refuse to answer questions that don't suit them, sell off public assets that don't belong to them and never, never ask voters what they think about all of this. And that is how democracy works - apparently.

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

Liam Fox Blames The Media.

In his statement in Parliament today Liam Fox has defended himself for giving the "impression" that he was up to no good and blamed the media for a "vindictive" campaign to uncover the truth. "It's not fair," he told Parliament. "Just because I allowed my mate, Adam, to accompany me around the world and be privvy to meeting he had no business attending doesn't mean I did anything wrong. The fact that Adam worked for various right-wing foreign interests who were seeking to influence British policy doesn't make him a bad person. No money changed hands - well none that can be traced at any rate. But the people who are really to blame for my forced resignation are the media. Their conspiracy to get at the truth was nothing short of vindictive and is at total varience with their actual role of reporting how wonderful the Tory party is and informing the public about the evils of full employment. I should have listened to my advisors who told me I'd never get away with it but, to be honest, I'm not really in the habit of listening to anyone - unless they're offering some tax free money."

Tories Have Yet Another Good Day

The Tory party has had yet another good day demonstrating what they actually think of voters and indulging in their favourite pastimes - taking bribes from lobbyists and giving the banks as much of our money as they can. They started out in rare form with a Tory Councillor, Brian Coleman, virtually telling an unemployed and desperate constituent, Ms. Osman, to bugger off. She was asking for advice about her private apartment on which the rent had been raised from £950 to £1,100 per month. He told her to "live in the real world" and that she would have to sort her own problems out rarher than rely on "the system." He then informed her that "this correspondence is closed." Brian Coleman earns £120,000 a year in public money - how's that for "relying on the system?" Not content with that the Tories have now decided to shoot themselves in the other foot after it was revealed that yet another minister, Greg Barker, has a "special advisor" with no official standing whatsoever but who seems to have access to his ministry. The advisor, Mirian Maes, also seems to have two seperate identities and has held over 30 directorships at the same time for various companies. Finally, police in Staffordshire have been told to arrest less people to save money and it is expected that other police forces will soon be following suite. This, apparently, is what Tories mean when they say "frontline services will not be affected." We asked a Tory insider for the government view; "People have to realise that the government is not here to serve their interests but to serve the interests of business. And when we say business we mean anyone that can bribe us with enough money for various "favours." Rules only apply to us when they're convenient and, as for the police, crime is no concern to us since we're unlikely to ever suffer from it. But don't forget - we're all in this together."

Queen Responsible For Housing Shortage.

In a shock finding today the Intergenerational Foundation has announced that Her Majesty the Queen is almost single-handidly responsible for the housing shortage in Britain. "The problem," a spokesperson for the Foundation told our reporter, "is that the older generation are clinging on to their homes even though their children have left home. This has led to millions of spare bedrooms around the country while younger people, who have left home, can't find accomodation in the place they've moved to. This is particuarly accute in London, Windsor, East Anglia and Scotland - places where Her Maj owns very large houses with hundreds of bedrooms. If she could be persuaded to downsize into a two bedroom semi we might start to make some progress in these places and it will set a good example to other pensioners. Of course we can't compel older people to sell their houses to landlords, who can't wait to get their hands on these houses and pack them full of students, but a bit of gentle blackmail wouldn't go amiss." We asked the government for thier view; "The Foundation is talking about wealthy people and, as everyone knows, they cannot be touched in the present economic crisis. We don't see this problem in generational terms but rather in terms of the young having unrealistic goals. They simply cannot expect to have an education, a job or a place to live in modern Britain. Their future has already been spent on second homes in France and Spain and, consequently, I'm afraid they'll have to lump it."

Tories Discover That Raising Benefits In Line With Inflation Is "Unfair."

As the inflation rate hit the highest figure in 20 years the Tories have made the completely expected "discovery" that raising benfits by a comensurate level is completely unfair to the non-taxpaying wealthy. "We can't have this," George Osborne told "The News In Shorts." "Scroungers should not be rewarded simply because the cost of living has gone up. It might be in the rules but I am confident that we can find some way to get around that. It's one thing for energy companies to raise their prices by 20% in the light of a 5% increase in their costs, quite another when people who've deliberately made themselves unemployed by voting for us expect to get more money to waste on things like food. By avoiding this we can drum up another £2 billion to feed the banks or give tax breaks to the rich who are suffering terribly at the moment. Headline figures might well give the impression that inflation is at 5.2% but, as Liam Fox has so recently demonstrated, impressions can be deceptive. Champagne and caviar, for instance, have hardly increased at all. No, if we're all in this together then it's about time that the poor in this country shouldered their fair share of the burden. Just this week I've had to sacrifice the £50 I normally give to charity otherwise I would have been short one bottle of Chablis at tonight's gala dinner for distressed bankers."

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

Andrew Lansley: A Man On The Make?

Andrew Lansley was adamant in Parliament that he has "no connection with private healthcare companies," but, like Liam Fox, he might well be indulging in a little creative fictionalisation of the truth. In November, it turns out, he received a trifling £21,000 to fund his private office by John Nash, the chairman of Care UK - one of the private healthcare providers that will benefit most from the Tory "reforms" of the NHS. As healthcare lobbyists talk about the "denationalisation" of the NHS and see it as an "abohrrence" and an affront to business interests, the Tories have trousered £200,000 in "donations" from Care UK who have already beneffited from a £53 million contract to provide healthcare to HM's Prisons. We asked the Minister for his comments; "Look, this is normal practice in most corrupt administrations and shouldn't be taken too seriously. What's a couple of hundred grand between friends? As for me saying I have no interests in private healthcare that is technically correct - I only have an interest in the money they can bribe us with. You have to look at the NHS as an untapped asset - untapped by the Tory party that is. We'll be taking an organisation that, at the moment, is a vipers nest of Labour voters and turning it into a river of money straight into Tory party coffers. Where's the harm in that?"

Inflation On It's Way Into Orbit, But House Prices Are Safe.

Figures out today show that the inflation rate has now risen to 5.2% on the back of the Bank of England pumping money into the economy and energy corporations robbing their customers blind. We asked a spokesperson from the Bank of England why it has failed to use interest rates to control inflation; "Christ almighty we can't do that!" he told us, sweating freely at the thought. "If we do that people won't be able to pay their mortgages and lose their houses. Then house prices will fall like a stone, rents will go down and an entire class of speculators will find themselves up the creek without a paddle. Worse than all that, of course, is that 99% of them are Tory voters. The economy might be warped out of all recognition by an overheated property market but we like it that way. We have to do everything possible to keep property prices beyond the reach of most ordinary people, otherwise our slum landlord programme will come to nothing and then where will we be? Anyway half the bloody cabinet are in a sweat that their property prices might be adversely affected so, as far as they're concerned, it's a price worth paying."

New Dostoyevsky Novel Discovered - "Crime and Government."

There was growing excitement today in the world of literature after the discovery of a completely unknown Dostoyevsky novel entitled "Crime and Government." "The plot is a bit contrived and unconvincing," Professor Heathcliffe from Oxford University told us, "but it's an exciting find nontheless. Basically it concerns a government that is elected into power by making promises it has no intention of keeping. Then, in plain sight, it plunders the entire economy for its wealthy friends and cooly lies about it. Not very believable, I think you'll agree. I see it as a parable on how revolution might begin or, perhaps, a commentry on how an untutored electorate would vote for an insane monkey if it's pretty enough."

Sleaze Has Now Graduated To Government Policy.

After the resignation of Liam Fox you might have been forgiven for thinking that Cameron had cracked down on sleaze for the good of the nation. Alas, it seems this wasn't true. Liam Fox resigned, it now seems evident, to prevent even more facts about his murky dealings from entering the public domain. There is no proof that Liam Fox "benefitted" from this. Well of course not - politicians who are taking backhanders don't leave the evidence simply lying about for anyone to see. To underline this Cameron then moved onto the offensive, talking in cuddly terms about the rip off that energy prices are, but refusing to do anything about it. Instead we were treated to a typical Tory lecture about how it is all our own fault. I doubt there is any paper trail between the energy companies and this so-called government either. But, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - its a corrupt Tory. I don't believe there has ever been a period in British history when a government has shown itself to be so openly corrupt, nor so arrogant that it literally doesn't care what people think. Business and corruption are now synominous, as is government and and the personal greed of those who pretend to be politicians. Cameron and his fellow gangsters are a national shame and should be expunged from history as rapidly as possible.

Monday, 17 October 2011

Government Transparency? Not Just Yet Apparently.

Having told voters in no uncertain terms, after its "meeting" with energy suppliers, that this government has absolutely no intention of controlling corporate greed, they have now also kicked a register of lobbyists into the long grass. "It's no good allowing corporations to riffle "customers" pockets if you then tell those same "customers" what backhanders you've taken," an unnamed Tory spokesperson told us. "We told voters that we would listen to them. Well, we have and the answer is bugger off and stop wasting our valuable time." We asked the spokesperson about the "Occupy" protestors and whether they would have any influence on government policy. "Are you kidding? If protests changed anything we'd make it illegal. You already have more democracy than you deserve. Choosing between competing millionaires is as good as it gets so be grateful and shut up."

Tories Tell Everyone To Bugger Off.

The Tory Party, tired of pretending to care about voters and smug about not being turned out of office yet, have spent nearly all day showing their true colours and putting up two fingers to all of us. Their first move was to meet with the "Big 6" energy suppliers to pat them on the back for robbing us all and then lecture us about switching suppliers and insulating our lofts. Then the Tax Payers Alliance waded in and told Poly Toynbee that protests in London were being orchestrated by scroungers who would be "better off getting jobs." Next Edwina Curry, no doubt smarting because she's been voted off "Strictly Come Dancing" by the public, informed us that no one was starving in Britain and if someone hasn't got enough to eat they should give up smoking. We asked a Tory insider for his comments; "Let's face it we've got it made. Even after nearly a year of screwing the working class into the ground we're still at 39% in the polls. British voters are a bunch of idiots and deserve to be taken advantage of. The money from "donations" is rolling in, protests are largely ignored by the media, unemployment is excitingly high and growing, malnutrition has been reetablished and corruption is about the only growth industry in the entire economy. We reckon that this winter will probably kill off a few more thousand Labour voters and the rest will be thrown into prison for daring to say "no." You might not be getting a Christmas this year, but we are. Greed and selfishness rule and, if you don't like it, emigrate."

Tory Party "Comes Out."

In a shock revelation today the Tory Party has, en masse, come out and admitted they are closet Morris Dancers. "Its a great relief," David Cameron told "The News In Shorts." "Many of us took up the dancing while we were at Eton or later at university, though Liam Fox, from an underpriviliged background, came to it late and Boris has always been utterly useless at it. All of us, however, are pledged to leading the country on a merry dance." The Tories coalition partners, the largely forgotten LibDem party, have expressed their shock but have been sympathetic. "It can't be easy for David," Nick Clegg told us. "We found it equally difficult to admit that we are opportunistic turncoats without any discernible principles but, in government, you do what you have to do." The Labour party was universal in its condemnation, however; "This is a national disgrace," Ed Milliband said. "This blatant show of Englishness is totally at varience with our modern diverse society and should not be encouraged. Our Scottish, Welsh and Irish constituents are all equally appaled and have equated it with that other expression of English domination and exploitation - cricket." The Church of England expressed similar disquiet; "This activity has its roots in paganism and distracts from the burning religious controversies of the day such as whether women should still be regarded as the vessels of original sin and how many angels can dance on the head of a pin."

Women Hate Tories Too.

In a personal shock to David Cameron a new poll has shown that women are not as stupid as he was hoping. "I don't understand it," the part-time Prime Minister told our political editor. "I've been as condescending as I can, telling them repeatedly to "calm down dear" but they haven't responded as they should. I know that, as women, they don't have much understanding of politics and tend to become hysterical over nothing but that's no excuse is it? I keep telling them that we are a new compassionate Troy Party but, for some reason I can't fathom, they don't seem to believe me. I've asked George Osborne to look into it because he was always better with the girlies than I was - but he doesn't understand it either. We've both been getting letters from constituents of the female species whittering on about "the cost of living" and child care costs. My little wife has no problem balancing busy coffee mornings with her children's needs and all that only costs £500 per week, so what's the problem?"

Huhne Blames Consumers For Energy Prices.

In a joint statement of policy the Energy Secretary, Chris Huhne, and the world's first part-time Prime Minister, David Cameron, have told consumers that they are to blame for high energy prices. "People must come to grips with the fantastically complicated tariffs that the energy companies have dreamt up to confuse them. A short course in quantum physics is not beyond most housewives and is not that expensive - less than £27,000. In the meantime we are bringing out a raft of totally inefective legislation that won't be passed for years - so we've done our bit. Nor is there any point in blaming the energy companies who are doing their best to fleece customers in order to meet the demand for the Tory party "donations" that sprang into existence after we privatised them in the 1980's. If you don't want to pay high energy bills our advice, as the new "caring" Tory Party, is to freeze to death this winter and turn off the television so you can't tell what's going on." We asked a representative from the energy industry for his view; "This is all good stuff from the government," he told our reporter, rubbing his hands together. "We were a bit worried they might demand lower prices but they've done the right thing - told customers to stump up and stop complaining. I've already sent Chris and Dave a bottle of bubbly each and an envelope with a little "something" in it for them."

Sunday, 16 October 2011

Liam Fox "Not Running An Independent Foreign Policy."

William Hague, following his triumphant analysis of the "Occupy" movement, has been moved to comment on allegations that Liam Fox was pursuing an independent foreign policy. "Liam was doing no such thing," the annoying balding little pratt told the BBC. "It was simply a money-making scam - an elaborate shell game who's only victims were a bunch of foreigners who don't count. I see it more as a merry jape than anything - a schoolboy prank that, perhaps, got a little out of hand. We in the Tory party should have a more relaxed attitude to it - as we do to many other things - and just admit that boys will be boys or girls or whatever. I mean its not as if Liam was humping sheep or something - well not recently anyway. We remain confident that the whitewash we've arranged will find that he did nothing wrong and that, by extension, anything else we might be up is perfectly acceptable as well. He only resigned because of a mendacious media witch hunt that viciously sought to uncover the truth."

William Hague Calls For Non-Protest Protest.

Speaking on the BBC today William Hague, the Minister in charge of annoying foreigners, has called on protestors to protest without protesting. "Yes," he told the BBC interviewer, "the political elite stood by and did nothing as the finance industry went collectively insane and then handed over billions in taxpayers money to save them from their own stupidity. And, yes, the recession is more in the way of a mugging than a recession - but is that any reason to protest? I think not. What people should do is occupy their couches, do nothing, express no opinions at all and shell out cash to people who simply don't deserve it. That's my idea of democracy - everyone doing as they're bloody told. If people want to protest they should send a very polite letter to their MP and ask for a lecture on how stupid they are. People must realise that we know what's best for them and they should simply worship us from afar. Democracy is not about expressing your opinion - it's about supporting mine."

Does Adam Werritty Work For Ernst Blowfeldt?

The "News In Shorts" has managed to track down Adam Werritty to a top-secret underground base built into an extinct volcano in an unnamed tax haven. Flanked by bodyguards dressed in orange jump suits and stroking a white cat, Mr.Werritty's controller, believed to be Ernst Blowfeldt, looked surprised when we rang the doorbell. "You're not a Jehovah's Witnesse are you?" he asked our reporter. Having answered in the negative Mr.Blowfeldt showed our man to his lounge, tastfully decorated in early 1960's style. "Adam Werritty? Yes, he's one of my operatives," he told our reporter. "I'm afraid that taking over the world is not what it used to be and men with the calibre of Auric Goldfinger or Dr.No are increasingly difficult to find. Adam started out as a gofer - fetching coffee and that sort of thing - until he told me that he knew Dr.Fox personally. It was then that an evil plot to influence Tory Party policy was hatched in my mind. Adam speaks Farsi so I naturally gravitated to a plan involving overthrowing the Iranian government and replacing it with one headed by Sarah Palin. Unfortunately I soon discovered what a bunch of conmen, Walter Mitty's and downright morons the Tories actually are and I pulled the plug. I mean, how could someone like me work with people like that? Even international criminals have certain standards. I was particularly annoyed when I found out that scientists are now using Tories for laboratory experiments because there are things that even rats won't do. I can send for Adam if you like - he's cleaning the toilets at the moment."

Saturday, 15 October 2011

Liam Fox Caught Leaving The MOD.

Tories Launch "House Swop" Idiocy.

Housing Minister Grant Shapps has launched a "house swop" programme to encourage the unemployed to seek work around the country. "It's a brilliant concept," Mr.Shapps told our reporter. "People living in areas of high unemployment swop houses with people in low unemployment areas so everyone can take turns being unemployed. Of course it will only apply to council tenants and their houses - I mean you wouldn't want someone from Leeds swopping with someone from Belgravia would you? I look at it as a country-wide game of "musical chairs" or "pass the parcel," and who doesn't like party games?" We asked the Minister what the point of all this would be exactly; "Point? What do you mean point? It gets me headlines and, if people fail to think about for more than ten seconds, they might even believe the government's doing something about unemployment short of actually creating jobs. What more do you want?"

Oliver Letwin: "Those Papers Were Heavy."

In an interview worthy of a leading Tory in government Oliver Letwin has explained his dumping documents in a public wastepaper bin as a case of "getting rid of a load of heavy rubbish." "It was weighing me down," he pleaded, as if this was a reasonable argument. "I often do this when it all gets too much - especially letters from constituents who are a bloody nuisance or from MI6 which, frankly, are too difficult for me to understand." We asked a Tory insider for the view from inside the party; "That Ollie, he's a card I can tell you. Even Liam can't make me laugh as much as him. Of course he's quite right. All of us get reams and reams of nonsense from our constituents - asking about unemployment, the cost of living and the lack of affordable housing - you know, the sort of things that concern unimportant people. Personally I dump mine in the House of Commons recycling bin which is reputed to be the largest in the world - we're all very proud of that. As for the stuff about security - who gives a monkies about that crap? As long as terrorists fail to penetrate the House of Commons that's all that matters. As long as Ollie doesn't get David Cameron telling the media he has "full confidence" in him he should be all right."

"Occupy" Goes Global - But Don't Worry Its Mainly In Asia

The "Occupy" movement went global today with thousands of people occupying city centres across the developed world. However, if you're a corrupt financier or just a completely unconcerned citizen, there's no need to worry since, according to the BBC, the protests are largely confined to Asia and the Pacific. At least that's where they've managed to bury the story on their website. Meanwhile the BBC news has led with Wales being knocked out of the Rugby World Cup because, as everyone knows, sport is the most important thing in the world. Even "Dateline London" has managed to ignore a story unfolding under their noses and is running a story about immigration - guaranteed to divert the attention of all sides of the community. After the Liam Fox "love in yesterday" in which such hard questions as "How is poor Liam feeling today after being hounded out of office by the press" were asked of Tory MP's queing up to to diseminate their propaganda, we now have the "ignore inconvenient truth's" approach to the protests. What we need now is a "Don't Pay Your TV Licence" protest.