Lansley In The Pay Of Private Healthcare Company.

Andrew Lansley, Minister For Denying Poor People Medical Care, has been revealed to be in the pay of the private healthcare company Care UK. The company handed over £21,000 to Lansley to "fund" his private office and "donated" £60,000 to the Tory party in 2009 alone. Meanwhile Lansley has also been responsible for witholding information from the public domain, despite rulings from the Information Commissioner, that details how his policy will cause "a surge in healthcare costs," that the extra costs involved in bringing in more private healthcare provision will make the NHS unafordable and that doctors in commissioning groups lack the financial expertise to run such businesses. We asked Mr.Lansley for his view; "I can't understand why I'm still getting all this opposition to my plan to cash in on the NHS. I've lied to the public, mislead parliament and witheld information, but people still insist on disagreeing with me. Personally I blame the doctors and nurses who have the arrogance to suggest they know more about healthcare than I do. They might know how to cure people and things like that but they nothing about running a profitable business and fleecing desperate customers - they still insist on calling them patients for instance. It's tragic - especially for my offshare bank accounts which are looking decidedly unhealthier than I'd like. The NHS is safe in my hands and will be even safer as far as I'm concerned when I've put a good wad of it into my back pocket. People simply can't get it through their thick heads that they are standing between me and my retirement fund - selfish bastards."

Lansley Runs For Cover.

In the wake of public outrage, opposition from medical professionals and Tory bankbench terror Andrew Lansley has begun the long and painful road to political oblivion. Having turned from fat cat to cowardly lion overnight Lansley is being forced to maintain his responsibility for providing a comprehensive healthcare system and limit his desire to see the NHS privatised. We asked Lansley for his view; "This is not a defeat. It is merely a tactical retreat in the face of misguided opposition and the political back-stabbing of my enemies. My plan to flog off the NHS has been thwarted by people who simply don't understand the advantages of placing their health and well-being into the hands of sympathetic businessmen whose only motive is to help others - or at least themselves. I simply cannot understand why the opposition of thousands of doctors and nurses outweighs the support I received yesterday from the 56 doctors who hoped to cash in. Nor do I understand why I have been forced to bow to democratic opposition at a time when I thought that democracy had been suspended. Still, we Tories have honoured our pledge not to undertake a top-down reorganisation of the NHS and have proven that it is safe in our hands - especially after we've failed to put it into our pockets. But, as I said to one of my constituents who has cancer the other day, never say die. I'm sure that with all the ammendments to the bill heading my way I'll still be able to slip something really nasty through without anyone noticing."

Andrew Lansley: Going, going........

Andrew Lansley, the Minister For Stealing the NHS pictured above minus the gun, has described anyone who disagrees with him as "politically poisoned." We asked the Minister what he means; "I know when people have been politically poisoned - I should, I'm the one doing the poisoning. I mean, what do doctors and nurses know about healthcare? I've spent £3.5 billion, proposed a management structure consisting of five additional layers and cut the budget to the bone and these so-called health professionals still have the nerve to disagree with me. My NHS reforms are a work of sheer genius and its high time this was recognised and a statue of me erected in Trafalgar Square. All I want to do is improve the efficiency of the NHS by flogging it off to corporate sharks in America and ditch all responsibility for it so I don't get the blame. I like it, why doesn't anyone else?"

Lansley Spends Billions.

Andrew Lansley has managed to spend £3.45 billion so far on his totally gratuitous shake up of the NHS. To add insult to injury he's also managed to spend £3 million hiring temporary staff to replace the civil servants he's sacked from the Ministry of Health. We asked Mr.Lansley for an explaination; "Well, the first point is that it's not my money is it? A few billion wasted here and there is nothing compared to the oodles of cash that me and my mates will glum out of this when the NHS is privatised. For a crook like me getting the public to fund the theft of an entire healthcare industry is simply good business. We came into power 18 months ago with a clear mandate to steal as many public assets as possible and the NHS is the jewel in the crown. We will soon replace an inefficient body dedicated to the nation's health to an even more inefficient body dedicated to me and my mate's wealth. Essentially I'm using tax payer's money to fund a scheme that will replace the NHS with a private healthcare system that will avoid paying tax - what a hoot!"

The NHS Bites Back.

Andrew Lansley's insane bid to privatise the NHS has run into yet more trouble after a Tory-led cross-party select committee trashed his "reforms" and pointed out that the proposed changes were wasting vast amounts of money and directly undermining front-line health services. As waiting lists have rocketed and real and effective improvements have been put on hold, Cameron and Lansley immediately hunkered down into damage-limitation mode. We asked Andrew Lansley for his point of view; "It is a well known fact that, despite all of the opposition from parliament, the doctors, the nurses and the public, that everyone agrees with me on this. What we are trying to do is to give people a real choice between paying for health care provided by a dodgy bunch of spivs from the US or dying in agony completely unattended in an underfunded hospital corridor. We are hoping to create an efficient system of expensive healthcare on one hand and squalid neglect on the other. People have to understand that this has been caused by the stubborn refusal of old people, after paying their national insurance all their lives, to lie down and die so that I can pay less tax. Having successfully destroyed social care and forcing many old people into hospitals because there's no where else for them to go, we must now complete our sacred task of hounding them out of there and into a premature grave. Once that has been achieved and the NHS is fully privatised we Tories can reduce our tax burden and turn our attention to revitalising the feudal system."

Andrew Lansley: A Man On The Make?

Andrew Lansley was adamant in Parliament that he has "no connection with private healthcare companies," but, like Liam Fox, he might well be indulging in a little creative fictionalisation of the truth. In November, it turns out, he received a trifling £21,000 to fund his private office by John Nash, the chairman of Care UK - one of the private healthcare providers that will benefit most from the Tory "reforms" of the NHS. As healthcare lobbyists talk about the "denationalisation" of the NHS and see it as an "abohrrence" and an affront to business interests, the Tories have trousered £200,000 in "donations" from Care UK who have already beneffited from a £53 million contract to provide healthcare to HM's Prisons. We asked the Minister for his comments; "Look, this is normal practice in most corrupt administrations and shouldn't be taken too seriously. What's a couple of hundred grand between friends? As for me saying I have no interests in private healthcare that is technically correct - I only have an interest in the money they can bribe us with. You have to look at the NHS as an untapped asset - untapped by the Tory party that is. We'll be taking an organisation that, at the moment, is a vipers nest of Labour voters and turning it into a river of money straight into Tory party coffers. Where's the harm in that?"

Andrew Lansley Blames Labour For His Policies.

Andrew Lansley, Minister For Privatising the NHS, has accused Labour of wrecking the NHS before he had a chance to do so himself. "It's not fair," he told our reporter. "Screwing up the NHS is my job. They set up Private Finance Initiatives which the NHS can no longer afford after I've taken the necessary funds away. This was obviously a devious ploy to force a future Tory government into maintaining the levels of funding that has now badly backfired. They should have known that we would hve no qualms about slashing the health budget even when we told voters that we wouldn't. What's wrong with these people?" Andrew Lansley, who prides himself on being a two-faced liar, or as other people would call it, a Tory, is a serial offender in this regard and has been described by those closest to him as "a twat." Despite this he has been tipped as a future leader of the party. One Tory party spokesperson told us; "You have to admire the sheer sleaziness of his campaign against the public and his determination to flog off the NHS to organ harvesters and other international criminals. Even for our party he really is a stinker - perfect leadership material as far as we're concerned."