The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Saturday, 31 December 2011

NHS Told To Kick Out The Elderly.

Providing the Tories with an alibi, the King's Fund Thinktank has reported that NHS staff should seek to get elderly patients out of hospitals quicker because they are using up valuable resources. This is a particularly accute problem at this time of year as relatives seek to dump the elderly onto the NHS during the holiday period. There is a similar problem with the mentally disabled where alternative respite services have been savagely cut by the Tories. Essentially the thinktank is offering the Tory party the opportunity to shift the responsibility onto NHS staff. We asked Andrew Lansley, Minister for Selling the NHS, for his view; "It's not my fault that we've closed down so many alternative care organisations that the NHS is having to take up the slack. I blame the NHS for not anticipating vicious Tory policies and the elderly for refusing to die quietly. Having completely washed my hands of the entire thing like Pontius Pilate I expect the NHS to crucify these people for me. I mean, you can't expect me to do everything can you?"

Should People Who Vote Tory Be Allowed To Use The NHS?

As part of their campaign against the NHS government advisers have begun the process of vetting people's habits and backgrounds before they are allowed access to hospital care. Questions about drinking, smoking and eating habits should be routinely asked, they suggest, to provide a basis for denying medical care. We asked our NHS reporter for his view; "You can already see how this is going to work. If you drink, smoke and are overweight you deserve to get cancer and will be allowed to die. No one likes drunks, smokers or fat people so the measure will probably prove popular amongst an electorate that is being desensitised to the needs of other people by a political party dedicated to selfishness. The one question that isn't being asked is 'Do you vote Tory?' Surely the best reason for denying people treatment by the NHS."

Friday, 30 December 2011

Geoffrey Howe Denies He Wanted To Write Off Liverpool.

Sir Geoffrey Howe, pictured above enjoying his well-paid retirement as a life peer, has denied today that he once advised Margaret Thatcher to effectively abandon Liverpool as a lost cause. "I did no such thing," he told our reporter. "I don't care what the record shows. What I actually said was 'You might just as well - we've abandoned the rest of the bloody country.'" Rushing to the rescue of his former colleague, Michael Heseltine, also enjoying a well-heeled retirement in the House of Lords, told the "News in Shorts," "I told him that we'd never get away with abandoning one of the largest cities in Britain since that would draw far too much attention to what we were doing to the rest of the country. My advice was to spend money on the place to fool everyone else that we were governing in the national ineterest rather than our own. It didn't work to be honest. You can fool some of the people all of the time, etc. It's a pity we didn't have a banking crisis to hide behind - all we had was the Falklands War and that was a bugger to organise I can tell you."

Constitutional Expert Warns About The Dangers Of Too Much Democracy.

Professor Vernon Bogdanor, from the Institute of Cotemporary History at Kings College London and pictured above, has warned that reform of the House of Lords might make Britain more "difficult" to govern. The professor, a so-called expert on the effectively non-existant British constitution, was, coincidentaly, David Cameron's tutor and described the Tory politician as "one of the ablest" students he ever taught. We asked our own political expert for his comments; "If David Cameron was one of the professor's most "ablest" students can you imagine what the others must have been like? When Bogdanor talks about government being more "difficult" what he's actually saying is that government is easier the less democracy there is. Government is not suposed to be easy - its supposed to be difficult in order to guard against tyranny. Ask the Libyans, Egyptians and Syrians what its like to live in a country where government is "easy." With morons like this teaching our future politicians no wonder the country is in the mess it is." We asked a Tory party spokesperson for their view; "The professor is quite right. If we have an elected House of Lords there is always the danger that they too will have a mandate and might disagree with the government. That would make some of our more nasty policies even more difficult to inflict on the peasants and that would never do. There's already too much democracy in this country, what with elections, other parties, this bloody Coalition and all that nonsense. What we need is a one-party democracy where opposition can be safely ignored and the scum in this country do as they're told."

Tories Tear Into Each Other While Economy Founders.

As George Osborne continues to flatten the British economy in order to prove an ill-founded idea that the public sector "crowds out" private sector expansion, the Tory party continues to tear at its own flesh. Since coming to power the Tories have managed to increase unemployment to levels not seen since the last time they were in power and to shrink the economy to levels not experienced since the 1930's. They have played their favourite card, punishing the victims of their vile policies, while, at the same time, protecting and rewarding a financial sector that have proven to be little better than a criminal conspiracy. They have turned their backs on our largest trading partners in Europe, flogged off British assets to foreign powers while refusing to invest in the country themselves, literally stolen the NHS from its rightful owners in order to sell it to their rich mates and divided the country into the have and have-nots at a ferocious rate. To top it all, however, the latest batch of Tory con-men, freeloaders and swindlers to be voted into parliament have little love for each other, let alone the country they despise. Since 2010 Tory backbenchers have revolted in no less than 43% of parliamentary divisions - a record that has no parallel in British political history. The reason for this seems to be two-fold; a hatred for their LibDem Coalition partners and a deep-seated loathing for Europe and the EU. The Coalition came into existence, according to David Cameron and Nick Clegg, to serve the British national interest. If George Osborne's policy of destroying the economy doesn't prove the lie in this, then Tory backbencher's cavalier disregard for the Coalition certainly does. This is not a government, it is a Civil War and, as in any war, the undertakers are winning it.

Thursday, 29 December 2011

Nick Pays A Million To Spin The Truth.

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.

The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam

Wednesday, 28 December 2011

NHS Privatised While No One Was Looking.

The Tories have sneaked through a measure that allows 49% of NHS beds to be used by the private sector during the parliamentary Christmas break. It is clear that Andrew Lansley is determined to hand over the NHS to private healthcare companies who are slavering over the prospect. These healthcare companies will be allowed to use staff, buildings and equipment paid for by the taxpayer without having to invest a single penny and will be allowed to charge outrageous fees to people who will no longer have access to medicine because the public beds will no longer be there. A glimpse of the future can be seen in the picture above. The photograph was taken in Los Angeles in California, the richest state in the richest country in the world, and shows the poor queuing for free medical care in a charity clinic set up in a warehouse and manned by volunteer doctors and nurses. Is this what you want? We asked Andrew Lansley why he has effectively privatised the NHS; "Its the only way if I am to pay lower taxes. I don't care who dies or how much older people suffer as long as I can save a quid and the Tory party agrees with me. The timetable is determined by the fact that a general election might occur at any time and we have to get this done before voters wake up and stop us." We asked the BBC for a comment but they aren't reporting the story and couldn't care less.

Nick Clegg To The Rescue.

"When you're in the soft stuff and are surrounded by enemies who want to tear you to pieces try to look as if you know what you're doing," is the advice that Nick Clegg recently received from one of his £1 million spin doctors. With the picture above to inspire him Nick has gone on the offensive to try an save his pathetic political career. "We have pulled Britain back from the brink," he confidently asserts, while failing to explain how pushing unemployment towards 3 million, increasing the national debt, utterly destroying business confidence and pushing the country into another recession constitutes success. With 23 people now chasing each job, he also claimed that it was the LibDems who were making the Tories help people and make life "fairer and easier." Then, in a blatant piece of self-deception, he also claimed that it was because of the LibDems that so much progress had been made in controlling the banks - presumably referring to Cameron's "veto" when he refused to sign up to a European treaty on the basis that it threatened banking interests. We asked a LibDem spokesperson for his view; "Oh God, this will never work. Everyone knows that Nick has led us into a blind ally and sold out every principle we once pretended to hold. Now he's reduced to making announcements that would delight Kim Jong-Il, who was a paragon of truth and virtue compared to this loser. We're boned."

Tories Revealed As Insane Bigots.

A poll in todays "Independent" shows quite conclusively that the Tory party rank and file are not only bigotted but entirely insane. 54% of those polled want to leave the EU entirely, thus turning their backs on 40% of Britain's trade and rely instead on trade within a non-existent Empire. A staggering 92% approve of Cameron using the veto in Europe, blithely ignoring the fact that refusing to sign up to something does not constitute a "veto." Asked about their political convictions and who best represents them Margaret Thatcher and Boris Johnson, both clinically insane, topped the list. A vast majority approved of an economy flattened for no better reason that the exercise of ideology and thought that mass unemployment was good as long as it didn't mean they personally lost their jobs. We asked a Tory party supporter for his view; "I just wish that Margaret Thatcher was still alive, but Boris would make an acceptable second best. He too is completely stupid, has no idea how a national economy actually works and hates all foreigners. I do admire how David Cameron was able to redefine the meaning of the word "veto" and fully support his action or non-action in Europe, whatever the case might be. I also approve of him destroying the British economy in order to save it and believe that unemployment is a price worth paying as long as I don't have to pay it."

Tuesday, 27 December 2011

Tories Break Promises on NHS.

British voters were congratulating themselves today for voting Tory and destroying the NHS. As thousands of people are being denied critical care as the NHS shrinks, despite all the promises made by David Cameron during the election, the Tory party is celebrating the demise of their greatest enemy. We asked a Tory voter for his view; "I think its wonderful how Cameron and the Tory party lied to me to get my vote. Marvelous people the Tories. You have to admire the way in which they can tell outright lies and keep a straight face. They are what this country needs - a party with no conscience whatsoever." We turned next to the Tory party for their comments; "This is a great day. We've finally taken health care from ordinary people and made great strides towards making medicine so expensive only the rich can afford it. We're now looking forward to the return of some old favourites - TB, ricketts, cholera, diptheria and thyphus - together with some new deadly diseases such as ebola and denga fever. Of course because we are rich and vote Tory we fully expect to be immune from such diseases and will, in any case, be able to afford health care while the rest of the country is returned to the pestilence-ridden 1840's. I must take the opportunity to thank all the morons out there who voted for us and look forward to their early deaths from awful diseases they thought were only found in history books. So long suckers!"

Russia Experinces The Old Democratic Two Step.

Having banned half the opposition parties in Russia and then cheating in the recent elections Boris Putin, world famous gay icon, has told the Russian people there will be no investigation despite mass protests. "I have looked into this matter and proven, to my own satisfaction, that I've done nothing wrong," he told reporters today. "I don't know what these people are demonstrating about because, apart from wanting real democracy, they don't seem to have any clear aims. I've also recently been cheered up no end by what's been happening in the rest of Europe, where the banks and politicians have shown us all the real nature of democracy. Let's face it, cheating or not, I'll probably still get more votes than David Cameron did and look at him. Like all democracies across the world we allow people to have a vote every now and again and, in return, we expect them to do as they're told. What's wrong with that?"

Christmas Is Over As Tories Return Us To Reality.

The Institute For Public Policy Research has issued a warning today that George Osborne's austerity measures have severely damaged the country's economy. Unemployment is set to rise in the new year as it dips back into reccession. Meanwhile a new "stealth tax" on tax credits, the means by which government subsidise those businesses who don't want to pay a living wage, will take £2.5 billion from the lowest paid in the country. And, just for good measure, the Tories have now lifted the income cap in the NHS so this national asset can devote 50% of its activity to treating private patients. We asked George Osborne, the multi-millionaire Chancellor for the Exchequer, for his view; "I know. Marvelous isn't it? Even better, the banks are doing well and I'm still really, really rich. I understand that ordinary people are suffering but I'm afraid its necessary if we are to continue with our policy of pauperising the nation to please the banks and floging off national assets to please the bloodsuckers waiting to steal what isn't theirs. There really is no alternative if we are to maintain the unfair and unequal system that we in Britain love so much - well some of us anyway. Look on the bright side - David Cameron is still annoying the French and Germans and that's the main thing according to the "Daily Mail." Christmas is over I'm afraid and the government is eager to shoulder the burden of torturing the entire country once more in 2012."

Monday, 26 December 2011

Tories Accuse Each Other Of Being Hypocrites.

Tory Ministers have been crticised by Tory Ministers for campaigning against cuts in their own constituencies, while seeming to care less if its inflicted on someone else. We asked a Tory party spokesperson for his comments; "MP's have a duty to gain an unfair advantage for their own constituents at the expense of everyone else. It is one of the basic tennants of Tory belief - you only get ahead by who you know not what you know. In any case its only fair the constituencies that usually vote Tory should be rewarded for being selfish and greedy. There is a line of thought in the Tory party that we are actually "all in this together," but they are in a minority and it's also completely untrue. Personally I put this uncharacteristic impulse to act fairly down to those bloody LibDems some of whom, though not many, really do believe this rubbish. It's a dog eat dog world, or at least it will be if we have anything to do with it, and all this tosh about cooperation and working together needs to be junked. As for Tories being hypocrits I'm sorry I don't understand the meaning of the word."

Milliband Not Effective Enough Voters Believe.

After 18 months during which Ed Milliband has failed to flatten the economy, failed to throw millions out of work, failed to raise rather then lower Britain's national debt, falied to increase inflation, failed to let the banks off the hook and failed to increase the gulf between rich and poor, British voters have given him the thumbs down. Meanwhile, after succeeding to do all of these things, David Cameron's popularity has increased, with 50% of voters believing, bizzarely, that he's "good in a crisis." At the same time the Coalition's approval rate has slumped to 39%. We asked our political editor for his comments; "This government remains one of the least popular in the history of modern Britain and Nick Clegg is now the most hated person in the country. David Cameron on the other hand, despite being disastrous for this country, has managed to hold his own against Ed Milliband because he's managed to tap into the essential stupidity of British voters. Any PM who insults Europe for any reason whatsover will increase his popularity, even if it's not actually in Britain's national interest. Cameron comes across as being "stronger" than Milliband because he has all the arrogant self-assurance of thr truly stupid - something he has in common with far too many voters. While poor old Ed is busy building reasoned arguments against Cameron's unthinking prejudice, he cannot match the PM's ability to use simple and usually meaningless catchphrases. Nor can he match Cameron's ability to do nothing whatsoever and turn that into a positive virtue as he recently did in Europe. Then there is the "Thatcher factor." Thatcher, despite all the evidence that shows quite conclusively that her economic beliefs were insane and her regard for her own country was nil, remains one of the most popular PM's of all time. Cameron has been able to portray himself as her natural successor - he's stupid, motivated by greed and hates his own people."

Sunday, 25 December 2011

Americans Fight For Shoes.

In scenes remeniscent of the Battle of Gettysburg, a fight during the American Civil War over boots, Americans have turned on each other to get hold of Nike's new Air Jordans - whatever they are. Retailing at $180 in stores the trainers are selling on Ebay for as much as $605 and have engendered such lust that people have fought, robbed and shot each other over them. We asked a leading psychologist for his explaination; "Well, they're all bleeding nuts aren't they? This sort of hysteria is caused when people begin to fear that some one else might have something they haven't - in this case a brain. It usually starts with a marketing campaign in which the manufacturer suggests that being without a particular product labels you as a "loser." For many people this is worse that being stupid and, to prove that they're not losers, they become even more stupid than normal. After they've obtained the object of desire they then indulge in bouts of embrassing showing off, drawing attention to their new acquisitions in ingenious ways. In this case people have been seen walking down the street on their hands, waving their feet in the air and exposing themselves to the danger of being mugged. Others, who perhaps feel they have superior intellects, have purposely avoided this behaviour by putting their new shoes in display cabinets and charging an admission fee so others can view them. Either way it makes no difference in the long run. People either wear them and wear them out or put them on display until they become unfashionable."

Saturday, 24 December 2011

Ferrets Danger To Mankind.

American scientists have discovered that ferrets pose a significant danger to mankind in findings that suggest the mammals are suscepitable to a new mutant form of bird flu. The US government has been so concerned about the findings and the possibility of inter-species contagion that they have asked the scientists involved to keep some of their research secret because of the threat from terrorists. A top CIA spoekesman told us that; "Various terrorist cells across the world have been reported to be acquiring ferrets at an alarming rate." We asked a representative from Britain's own security services for their view; "We would advise that people should only travel to Lancashire and Yorkshire, or t'North as its known, if their journey is absolutely necessary. Avoid anyone wearing a flat cap. We have reports of Muslim terrorits disguising themselves as northerners and infliltrating ferreting societies north of Watford Gap." A Tory party spokesman was even more alarmist; "As we in the Tory party have always suspected, the north of Britain is a dangerous place and should be quaranteed immediately. Although we've already made a start by moving its valuable industries abroad, we must warn that no one who votes Tory or is associated with the Tory party in any way should visit the north. By the same token people living south of a line between Bristol and Ipswich should be on the look out for any suspicious characters wearing flat caps and who are incapable of uttering the word "the" or voting Tory."

Tories Celebrate Christmas With A Carol.

With apologies to Patrick Stewart pictured above as Ebenezer Scrooge, the "News In Shorts" would like to wish all its readers a merry Christmas and a happy new year and to report on the celebrations enjoyed by the Tory party this year. They are reported to be besides themselves with seasonal joy at the news that Britain's cost of borrowing briefly fell below 2% yesterday - the lowest cost of borrowing since Queen Victoria sat on the throne. We asked George Osbourne for his reaction; "This is wonderful news and means that rich people, like myself, are able to borrow huge amounts of money to increase our fortunes with foreign investments. And its all been so easy! All I had to do was throw everyone else in the country out of work and bring economic activity to almost a complete stop. It's wonderful how the finance industry rewards those who embrace stagnation and prove the old adage that having no economy at all is the wisest choice." We asked the Chancellor for a few words of kndness to those who are having to shoulder the burden for all this bounty - the poor; "Are there no prisons, are there no workhouses. If they must die for my benefit, then they would best do it quickly and reduce the surplus population. But I would like to wish the whole country a "bah, humbug" and a impoverished new year."

Poll Shows That Political Leaders Are Out Of Touch.

A poll in today's "Independent" shows that 80% of all voters believe that capitalism is out of control and that business should not take precedence over people. We asked a Coalition spokesperson why they don't seem to agree; "What would the electorate know? Both David Cameron and George Osborne, being millionaires, are perfectly in tune with the ordinary working man. People in this country must understand well that we are rich because we are superior and they are poor because they are inferior. They must also understand that business should take precedence over people because business is important and they are not. It's a well-known fact that God ordained that the Tory party should rule and that supporting other political parties is both evil and unpatriotic. People in Britain at the moment might believe that there's something wrong with the way the country's run but that's only because they are like children and don't know any better. As for being out of touch - people here in Britain might think so at the moment but this is not reflected in the rest of the Empire. Once we've sent the EU packing and the banks have rescued us from the global financial disaster caused by the last Labour government, everything will go back to normal and the peasants will stop harbouring ideas they are not qualified to understand. I'm afraid that if they don't stop this nonsense we'll have no choice but to take democracy off them until they learn to use it properly. I must also warn that any street protests, which are by their very nature criminal, will be countered by armed police. Protest has no place in modern Britain. This isn't Syria you know."

Friday, 23 December 2011

Waterstone's Plug Hitler's "Mein Kampf."

In a bizzare Christmas sales push Waterstone's in Huddersfield have offered Hitler's "Mein Kampf" as the perfect seasonal gift. Apart from scandalising the Jewish population in Britain, we asked the manager of the store, 19 year old Raymond Boggis, why the store would plug the ramblings of a psychotic megalomaniac as light reading; "It seemed like a good idea at the time. To be honest I thought it was a new Harry Potter book or something. At school I'm sure I was told that World War II came just after the Roman invasion of Britain and just before the Tudors. I mean, who is this Hitler dude anyway?"

Republicans Throw In The Towel.

John Boehner, the Republican House Speaker, has signalled his capitulation in the row over tax breaks for ordinary working people. "It goes against the grain to give the American people something without getting something for myself," he told our reporter, "but I had to give in when fellow Republicans pointed out that next year is the Presidential election. I'd forgotten all about it to be honest. I was hoping to get a tax break for Congressmen who's initials are "J.B" but the commie Democratic rats wouldn't wear it. What we need in this country is a President who works in my best interests since that is identical, in my opinion, with the national interest. I see myself as a truly great American, I'm rich, have nice shiny white teeth and and a fabulous tan but, more importantly, I hate anyone who hasn't got as much money as me. It also a well known fact that nearly everyone else in the USA apart from me is a closet communist and my mission to save them all from themselves before their selfishness deprives me of another dollar."

Tories Reveal Early Xmas Present For The Country - A New War.

The Tories have decided to give the nation a early Christmas present and reveal where our next war is going to be - Somalia. We asked William Hague for his view; "We had a look around for somewhere new to deploy our nice shiny toys and decided on Somalia. We had considered Iran but the Americans aren't that keen and our generals insisted that a war there might make our toys dirty. So, in the end we went for Somalia. This has several advantages. No one really likes the Somalis what with all their piracy, kidnapping and whatnot. They don't have any real allies and haven't got a government as such to confuse things. It hasn't got any oil which is a distinct disadvantage but it does lie in an important strategic area for the transportation of it so it scores a few browny points there. The population is small and scattered so we shouldn't get too many distressing reports about killing civilians. The most important thing really is that they're poorly armed and have no real means of fighting us off, so its green lights all the way!"

Plans Unveiled To Turn Giant's Causeway Into A Golf Course.

An American developer has unveiled plans to turn the Giant's Causeway in County Antrim, pictured above, into a golf course. The plan, which has some backing from clinically insane politicians in Northern Ireland, is the brainchild of Alistair Hanna. We asked Mr.Hanna for his view; "I think that the Giant's Causeway is a national asset that is much underused. I have a vision of millions of golf balls "pinging" off the cloumns there - it will make for a fiedishly difficult 18 holes I can tell you. However, my idea should not be judged in isolation but should be seen in the light of several other ideas I have to revitalise the economy of Britain. These include turning Stonehenge into a roller skating rink, Hadrian's Wall into the world's longest bowling alley and the Tower of London into a giant squash court." We asked the National Trust for their reaction but they were unable to comment due to a mass attack of apoplexy. A Tory party spokesman was willing to make a few comments however; "We believe that this idea has a great deal of merit - especially as it has just the right amount of elitism in it. We are less impressed with Mr.Hanna's ideas concerning Stonehenge and Hadrian's Wall since the projected leisure activities there are somewhat lower class. We are, however, in negotiations with Mr.Hanna to convert our Jobcentres into betting offices and gambling arcades which we feel is more appropriate."

Thursday, 22 December 2011

Tories Decide To Insult Entire Nation.

Having done their best to insult the intelligence of the entire country with their insane economic policies, vindictivness to those on benefits and backdoor privatisation of the NHS, the Tories are now planning a state funeral for the most devisive Prime Minister in British history. We asked the Tory party why they would think this is a good idea; "After glumming more tax from ordinary people while letting our wealthy mates get away with murder, we've decided that this is the perfect way to rub salt into the wounds. It seems only reasonable to us that to celebrate Vodaphone and Goldman Sachs getting away with billions in tax we should spend millions to bury the most inappropriate person we can think of at public expense. The Blessed Thatcher brought the country many benefits - the utter destruction of our manufacturing base, the Poll Tax, the undermining of our entire society, increasing wealth for the few, increasing poverty for the many, an economic policy that has proven to be an unparalled disaster, the privatisation and increasing cost of utilities and, last but not least, BSE in the wake of the de-regulation of the food industry. As you can see we have much to thank her for. I can just imagine the cranes dipping their jibs in respect along the Thames as they did for Churchill. Or at least I could if the cranes were still there. Together with the Olympic Games we are confident that another public show is just what this country needs to divert attention from our vindictive and nasty policies. I can't wait for her to die."

US Republicans Just Can't Bring Themselves To Do The Right Thing.

The Republican party in the United States has demonstrated what it actually means to be a right-wing party in a modern democracy - unashamedly selfish. A deal to extend tax breaks for the lowest paid in America has been stalled in Congress by a group of men who only want tax breaks when it benefits them and their rich friends. We asked one of the Republican Congressmen for his view; "I don't see why poor people should get tax breaks just because they're poor - it's their own fault after all. Tax breaks for rich people is far more attractive because they have more tax money to save and, anyway, they're the ones who pay my real wages. As far as I'm concerned your ordinary American worker and taxpayer are only there to make me and my buddies richer - they have no other function. Oh, except during Congressional elections when they're only of any use if we can persuade them that the Democrats are closet communists. You have to realise that we Republicans can only get ourselves elected if we can invoke irrational beliefs. God loves us and hates Democrats, Barak Obama is the spawn of the Devil, everyone is a commie unless they can prove otherwise - that sort of thing. All we have to do is prove to the American public that having more money to spend on themselves is communist in nature and that being poor is their patriotic duty."

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Tories Line Up To Kill Off Cameron Premiership

Peter Bone, the Tory Gaulieter for Wellinborough and Rushden, has today questioned the line of succession if David Cameron were to suddenly die or suffer a terrible mishap while in office. Bone, a member of the right wing 1922 Committee and known for hating fellow Tories almost as much as the rest of the country, told the BBC; "We need to know what would happen if David Cameron were to suffer a terrible accident such as being stabbed in the back several times. Does Nick Clegg being Deputy Lacky mean that he would lead the so-called Coalition? I would like to think not. If Cameron were to become incapacitated by a sudden vote of no confidence we would need another Tory - say me - to lead the government. It is vitally important that terrorists and, more importantly, the banks should know which self-satisfied, smug millionaire is in charge if the worst should happen. No PM has died while in power for 150 years, but you never know your luck and self-absorbtion is the Tory way."

Moody's Pats George Osborne On The Back.

Moody's has reafirmed Britain's AAA credit rating and congratulated the Tories for embracing economic facism with such enthusiasm. "We're very pleased with Britain," a spokesperson told out reporter. "The way in which they have been willing to destroy their own economy and sacrifice their own citizens in order to reward the banks is very satisfying. We belive, if the government is willing to keep this up for the next fifty years or so, that we will be abale to protect rich people against the effects of the coming Depression quite nicely. We are particularly impressed by the way in which both the Tories and the LibDems have handled their body swerves in terms of democracy and the recent announcement that, like dictatorships across the world, they are willing to shoot their own citizens if they object. All these things have given us a warm glow I can tell you."

Argentina Tries New Tack To Steal Falklands.

Argentina has stepped up pressure on the Falkland Islands in order to bully the population there into submission. They have persuaded their trading partners in the South American equivalent of the EU, Mercosur, which includes Brazil, Argentina, Paraguay and Uruguay, not to allow ships flying the Falklands flag into their ports. We asked an Argentinian spokesperson why they want these barren lumps of rock in the South Atlantic; "It's a matter of national pride. We are big and Britain is little and should, therefore, do what we want. Britain stole the Malvinas even before Argentinia came into existence and we cannot tolerate this insult to our machismo. We also want access to potential oilfields in the area and on the adjacent area of Antartica. I must warn you now that, if we don't get our way, we will scream and scream until we are sick." We asked the Foreign Office for their reaction; "We beat the Argies once and, if they invade again, we will do it again. The Royal Navy, which now consists of three nuclear submarines and an Admiral's yacht, will be despatched to the area to shout "boo." Meanwhile our Army, which now consists of three men armed with the latest in shovels, can be quickly redeployed to the South Atlantic - if we can charter a boat to take them - and the RAf as alerted its aircraft, both of them, just in case."

Vince Cable Viciously Attacks Tory Coalition Partners.

In an unprcedented and vicious attack on his Tory coalition partners Vince Cable has announced today that he won't be sending them Christmas cards; "This will teach them a very severe lesson," he told our reporter. "Having caved in on almost every policy and abandoning every principle I've ever had I don't think this retaliation is too strong. People have suggested that I have been cowardly and craven in my dealings with the Tories, but this will show the lengths to which I am willing to go to stand up to them. I've already crossed David Cameron and George Osborne off my birthday card list as well and am now thinking about crossing out Eric Pickles and Andrew Lansley." We asked a Tory party spokesman for his reaction to Mr.Cable's action; "Who? Oh him. He's already sold his soul to us so I don't suppose the odd Christmas card is either here nor there. Silly old fart."

Public Accounts Committee Labels HMRC As Tosspots.

The Public Accounts Committee has reported today that HMRC are incapable of collecting taxes from big business because they are incompetent. It accused them of giving "sweetheart deals" to the likes of Goldman Sachs and Vodaphone while, at the same time, hounding small businesses and self employed tradesmen. We asked the HMRC for their view; "We support those suckers who actually want to pay their taxes and the £25 billion or so that we failed to collect from big business is chicken feed compared to the £468 billion we've squeezed out of ordinary hard working people. You have to realise that we are, by and large, pretty useless at anything other than bullying small people." We asked the Public Accounts Committee for their reaction; "Most of the information we managed to get came from a whistle-blower. HMRC basically stonewalled us and, of course, the government weren't in the least bit interested. They're pretending that the deals with Goldman Sachs and Vodaphone were "mistakes." I don't know about you but I think that any organization that can manage to lose £25 billion must be making more than few "mistakes." If it walks like a corrupt duck and quacks like a corrupt duck, its a corrupt duck."

Tuesday, 20 December 2011

British Police May Shoot Rioters.

Sir Denis O'Connel pictured above, the Chief Inspector of Constabulary, has warned that riots in the future might be met with live fire to "protect lives and property." We asked a police spokesperson for a comment; "After successfully labelling all rioters as criminals, its only logical that we should be allowed to shoot them. We got the idea from Syria where the idea that any form of protest is a criminal riot has worked rather well. Now all we have to do is label the Occupy movement in St.Pauls as criminals and say we're protecting the Catherdral and Bob's your uncle. Let's face it the United Nations is hardly going to impose sanctions against Britain is it? We're a democracy. To be honest we can't wait to start doing a proper job - slaughtering people in the street - instead of all this wishy-washy community rubbish."

When Is A Deal Not A Deal? - When Its A Tory Deal.

Danny Alexander, pictured above, announced to the Commons today that an agreement had been reached with the unions over public sector pensions. Unfortunately half the unions involved denied that they'd agreed and the other half withdrew from it when Eric Pickles sent a letter changing the principles. We asked a Tory spokesperson for the party's reaction; "We almost had the unions blindsided but bloody Eric Pickles queered the pitch by sending them a letter outlining the nasty changes we intended to make without their knowledge. I mean, how can a Tory government be slippery and underhand if its own members can't remember the rules? We had no choice but to withdraw the letter when the press got hold of it and we're now back to square one. I suppose we'll just have to find some other way of fooling the public into believing its all the unions fault now. Still, stealing other people's money was never easy."

Tories Extend Government By Trickery To Unemployed.

The DWP, under the leadership of Ian Duncan Smith pictured above, has now resorted to trickery and confidence tricks to cheat the unemployed out of their benefits. We asked a DWP spokesperson for their view; "Since the country was taken over by a gang of international criminals things have certainly got better. We've had to put up with the unemployed whinning on for years and now is our chance to get our revenge on them all. Ian Duncan Smith, the "Beloved Leader" as we like to call him, has given us the opportunity to indulge all of our baser instincts and we intend to cash in while we can. My personal favourite is demanding written accounts of job searches from dyslexic jobseekers - though bullying people into applying for unsuitable jobs and then sanctioning them when they don't apply comes a close second. Older people who've become unemployed for the first time in their lives are a good target - they haven't got a clue. Then there's the badly educated and disabled. Naturally we shy away from from those who've never worked and have no intention of doing so - they're too clever for us." We asked IDS for an interview, but he declined because he was too busy thinking of new ways to torture the terminally ill.

Tories Retreat From Regulating Banks.

Two days ago Vince Cable was in a TV studio assuring us all that the report by John Vickers, pictured above, on regulating the banks would be "implimented in full." Today the man now pretending to be Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, has told us the truth - it won't. We asked him why; "Why? I wouldn't dare to be honest. The banks have already told me that if the government impliments the Vickers report I won't get a nice cushy job with them after I retire from Parliament. That, of course, wouldn't be in the national interest. You have to realise that I'm only here to do what the banks want - I have no other real function. Since democracy was killed off last year by the IMF, I have to be careful that David isn't replaced by a banker as occured in Greece and Italy and is about to happen in Spain and Portugal. Even the French and Germans have thrown in the towel and agreed to pauperise the whole of Europe to appease the banks. Still, its not all bad - I get to keep my money and that's the main thing. As for the electortate - they'll have to get used to doing as they're bloody told. If they don't we'll simply change the law to make them. Sweet!"

Sunday, 18 December 2011

Tories Victimise War Veterans.

In a case that has become routine in the new Tory Britain, a one-legged 89 year old war veteran suffering from dementia has been denied funding for his care. Ron Patriarca, who as a flight sargeant during World War 2 was shot down over Hungary and taken prisoner, recently had to have his leg amputated but cannot remember the operation and "discovers" that he has lost his leg anew every day. For good measure Mr.Patriarca is deaf and believes that he is a prisoner in Germany. His local MP happens to be Vince Cable who has promised to do something about it all. Lets all hope this doesn't consist of consulting with David Cameron and coming to the conclusion that nothing can be done without endangering the coalition. We asked a Tory party spokesperson for his reaction; "A World War 2 veteran? Aren't they all dead yet? Tut, tut - we'll have to see if we can't kill them all off this winter and relieve the country of having to look after these useless people. I'd like to personally thank Mr.Patriarca for allowing me the opportunity to grow up in peace and plunder the country he risked his life for, but I don't see why taxpayers money should be spent on him when he's no longer of any use. Can't he get a job with an airline or something?"

Saturday, 17 December 2011

Psst! - Want To Know What The Banks Are Up To?

Remember the banks? You know, those people who took billions of our money to prop themselves up after they screwed eveything up? Want to know what they're doing with your money? They're "downsizing." Not, of course, by getting rid of the executives who screwed the whole thing up, but by getting rid of the "little people" - the ordinary workers who work in the branches or administer the offices behind the scenes. And the effect? Well one is that they no longer have enough staff to manage the mortgages, especially the commercial loans, that they took on. So they're selling them off to asset management companies at knock-down prices. In other words they're using our money to maintain executive bonuses while unloading work and saving money by sacking people. They are stuffing their pockets with our money. What did you think has happened to all the money we've shovelled into them?

Cabinet Discussions Should Be Kept Secret.

Gus O'Donnell the outgoing Cabinet Secretary, pictured above, has said that Cabinet discussions should be kept from the public for their own good. "The law pertaining to freedom of information should be changed to prevent Cabinet minutes from being made public in the future," he told our reporter. "Some of the things Minister's say are a bloody embarassment to be honest and if the electorate knew what these bozos actually think of them we'd never have a government again. Worse than that it would quickly be revealed that most of them are morons who shouldn't be organizing a garden fete let along a country. I haven't "fudged" any minutes to hide all this - honest - but the temptation to do so is overwhelming given the idiotic ideas they discuss at times. Outright falsehood has a valuable place in politics - without it no one would vote Tory again - but, as far as Cabinet meetings are concerned at the moment, its absolutely crucial. While ministers know the minutes might be published in the future the amount of "nudge, nudge, wink, wink" that goes on is staggering. I can't remember the number of times the PM has had to tell ministers to stop laughing in case passer-by's in the street hear them. Then there's the use of codewords. Do you know what they call unemployment? The Final Solution."

Britain Bribes India Disguised As Aid.

Despite having more billionaires than Britain, India is to continue receiving aid from Britain. While India has an aid programme of its own, its billionaires pay no tax and Britian is, therefore, subsidizing an Indian elite with taxpayers money. We asked International Development Minister Andrew Mitchell why; "Its the only way we can guarantee exports to India. Bribing corrupt Indian businessmen is a growth industry. But we also give money to the Indian poor so they don't have to and hope that they'll be so grateful they'll throw a few orders our way. What with selling off our industry to them and employing thousands of their workers in call centres, we feel that we're doing a wonderful job in securing the economic future of India. Some people have suggested that we should be doing the same in Britain, but we decided against this because that would remove one of our most powerful weapons against the British electorate - the fear of unemployment. So its a win/win situation - as long as you're not actually a British worker and taxpayer. Disgusting I know, but we are Tories after all."

Friday, 16 December 2011

Cameron Turns To Christianity - God Help Us.

Samuel Johnson once said that "patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel." In modern Britain, where patriotism has ceased to have any real meaning, it now seems that religion is taking its place as David Cameron has called for a return to Christian values to cure the country's "moral collapse." We asked our philosophy correspondent for his view; "It makes you laugh when a Tory starts talking in terms of morality - as if they have any concept of such a thing. Essentially he's asking us all to find inspiration in an irrational belief system that had its origins in the Bronze Age and that led to one of the longest periods of oppression in the history of the world. No wonder he wants to get back to it - it has all the ingredients the Tories love; outmoded tradition, unthinking obedience and irrational thought. No doubt he sees God as a sort of banking executive who, like them, "works in wondrous ways" and whose ultimate aim "passeth all understanding." All we have to do is worship from afar and accept what's handed to us."

Tories Continued Anger Over Thatcher Film.

A Tory MP, apparently with nothing else better to do, has continued to criticise the film about Margaret Thatcher because it shows the truth. Rob Wilson. MP for East Reading, has said the film shows her today as "old, lonely, fargile and suffering from dementia." "This left me wondering about the humanity of the film makers," he added without a trace of irony. We asked our political editor for his view; "Margaret Thatcher was always a mad old bat who seemed determined to inflict her crazy ideas on the world no matter what the cost to others even when she was ostensibly sane. Rob Wilson might wonder about the "humanity" of the film makers, but seems less inclined to wonder about this terrible woman's complete inhumanity throughout her calamitous life. She is old, she is lonely (which is hardly surprising considering she has no concept of society), she is fragile and she is suffering from dementia. Indeed some might say that she was always suffering from it. What this MP seems to be worried about is that the film fails to potray his hero in a more flattering light. Well tough - the film makers have no obligation to make propaganda for the Tory party since they are not the BBC."

Thursday, 15 December 2011

The Price Of Saving The Banks.

While Canada pulls out of the Kyoto Protocols because it can no longer afford to save the planet, demand slumps in Japan and Europe faces a winter recession, unemployment is heading towards 3 million in Britain, while the NHS is fast running out of money and students are turning to prostitution to pay their university fees. The banks, having received billions in taxpayers money to bail them out, are now threatening governments across the world with lowering their credit ratings if they don't squeeze their own citizens for even more money to pay off the bad investments they made in order to grab bogus bonuses. And if that threat fails they simply arrange to have democratically elected governments replaced by unelected ex-bankers who will do what they're told. The Tory dominated government here in Britain, meanwhile, is taking the opportunity to impose a vile and self-serving set of policies on the country clearly intended to protect the rich at the expense of the poor. Then to top it all Nick Clegg, now a prisoner of the Tories, has ditched every principle his party ever stood for to avoid an election that would see his party decimated. Despite all this the Tory party has managed to increase its popularity by refusing to sign a new European treaty that aims to do exactly what they are doing in Britain and by failing utterly to gain any advantage for the City or anyone else. And that is the price of saving the banks - unemployment, growing inequality, increased poverty, the destruction of democracy and the corruption of our political parties. Is it worth it? Really?

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Tories Plan To Murder Badgers.

Having been deprived of the untrammeled joy of murdering foxes in cold blood the Tories have turned to that other favourite of the British - the badger. "We got the idea while watching an episode of "Badger Watch," a Tory told us in confidence. "Having had to watch impotently as the Labour party banned us from tearing foxes limb from limb, we realised that the badger presented us with the perfect revenge - killing an animal even less offensive than the fox and even more loved by the peasants. We had toyed with the idea of slaughtering deer but David Cameron's kids love the film "Bambi" so we had to drop it. It was the TB argument that finally won the day. One of the cabinet suggested hunting Asian immigrants on the same basis, but we had to reluctantly drop the idea when some busybody pointed out that killing humans annoys the United Nations - unless there's oil involved. Still, as Nick Clegg is finding out, you can't have everything."

Older People Need Protection Against The Banks.

Old people with dementia are being targeted by unscrupulous business, including banks, its been revealed today. It is estimated that at least 15% of people with dementia have been abused financially - some of them by banks. The Alzheimer's Society has responded by putting together a training package for the banks. We asked a leading banker for his reaction to this; "We don't need any further training thank you. We already know how to rip of the elderly and demented - how do you think we fund our obscene bonuses every year? Look, its not our fault if some of our customers are mentally challenged. We offer them a very good service, relieving them of their money at a time in life when they don't have much need for it. Most of them are no more mentally challenged than your everage politician and you wouldn't expect us to not to take them for a ride now would you? Telephone cold calling is an especially lucrative line of business that provides a great deal of youth employment in India where people are so poor they'll do the jobs that British youngsters just can't stomach. Why, we're practically a charity."

Democracy In Retreat Worldwide.

As Boris Putin cheats his way back to the presidency in Russia and new rules ostensibly designed to check voting fraud in the USA actually denies minorities the vote, similar moves ar afoot in Britain. There are already over 6 million people in Britain who are eligible for the vote but are unregistered and now Tory plans to "overhaul" the voting registration system look set to increase the ranks of the disenfranchised. We asked a leading Tory for the party's view; "We have recently discovered that voting doesn't always bring us the result we want so we've decided to ammend it to cut out anyone who doesn't vote Tory. The coalition is a prime example of what failing to vote Tory means. If it wasn't for the bloody LibDems we would have been able to really tear into the working scum of this country. As it is we have to explain what we're doing to a bunch of namby-pamby bleeding-heart liberals. We only got away with sabotaging Europe by lying to the LIbDems before and the public after we'd done it. Democracy should be reserved for those best placed to understand it - the rich, those without consciences and the truly selfish. It's the old hemlock for anyone else as far as I'm concerned."

British Graduates Have Great Future - In Australia.

A new report out today has found that British graduates need not apply for work in Britain. We asked a leading agency for their advice to graduates; "With 600,000 youngsters out of work graduates have three choices open to them. They can lower their sights and use their degrees to rise in the world of fast food. They can work for nothing and hope that someone will give them a handout. Or they can sod off to Australia, get a decent job and enjoy a life in the sun. For a graduate this must be a difficult choice. The Australian government, on the other hand, are delighted. They get the pick of the litter without having to go to the expense of educating them and are very grateful to the Tories for providing them with so many willing and desperate graduates. The Tories, meanwhile, are doing what they do best - wasting the talents of their own people. They used to do it by shipping them off to the continent so they could die in a waterlogged trench but the EU put a stop to that so this is the only alternative."

A Perfect Storm.

As Britain braces itself for stormy weather this weekend, it is already being battered by a perfect political storm. While Nick Clegg has been dispatched to Europe to "pick up the pieces" by a panicky David Cameron who has no idea what his "veto" actually means, and the Tories have taken a lead in the polls because there's nothing the British like more than a spot of Johnnie Foreigner bashing (even if Johnnie Foreigner didn't even notice), Nick Clegg has warned his party that a general election now would see the end of the LibDems for a generation. We asked a Tory insider for his reaction; "Absolutely perfect. The teaboy has been despatched to the continent to pull our coals out of the fire and we've managed to persuade the hard of understanding at home that we've actually done something right. We've got the LibDems right where we want them - dependent on us - and managed to divert attention from all the vile things were doing to the great unwashed while getting them to applaud us for it! I love the British - they're so thick! With a lead over Labour of two points we now have the opportunity to do something really scummy - as if cutting money to disabled children and widows isn't scummy enough. Maybe we could institue a pogrom against mothers - or have we already done that?"

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

CERN Scientists Anounce Finding The Higgs Boson - Perhaps.

Excited Cern scientists called a press conference today to announce they may, or may not, have discovered the Higgs Boson or something else. We asked Dr. Higginbotham for his comments; "Its very exciting. We believe that we have discovered a hint that the Higgs boson might exist - either that or it doesn't and we've merely seen a glitch with our equipment. Either way this is an exciting day and we decided to call a press conference to share our findings, or lack of them, with the world. The Higgs boson, which is often called the "God Particle" by journalists who haven't got a clue what we're talking about, is a transmission mechanism that imparts to other partcles the property of mass. A good anology is to think of it terms of a celebrity walking across a room who is acosted by a stalker who wrestles him to the ground and prevents him from shooting across the universe at the speed of light - something like that anyway. The good news is that we now know where the particle isn't, or at least where we've failed to find it and that, therefore, it must be somewhere else - maybe. Whatever we have or haven't found, it was well worth all the effort and money we've expended, or not, whatever the case maybe."

The Widow's Mite.

Having already tackled the unemployed, the disabled and the terminally ill, the Tories are now turning their attention to widows. Lord Freud has signalled changes to their benefits not to save money, he insists, but to target benefits more effectively. We asked a Tory spokesperson what that actually means; "We've sorted out those careless enought to lose their jobs, those careless enough to be disabled and those who have deliberately contracted cancer in order to scrounge off the state. Now we've got those careless enough to lose their partners in our sights. These people think they've got it made for life, living off the fat of the land while the state brings up their brood of children, and it has to stop. We've seen cases where widows have bought Rolls Royce's, yachts and entire Greek islands on their ill gotten gains - currently £180 per week. The British, as any off them will tell you, are scroungers by nature, but we are determined that we will make these peasants search for nonexistant jobs until their feet bleed."

The Party's Over

The bunting has been taken down, the empty champagne bottles have been cleared away and the stale cake has been binned. After celebrating the weekend away over its victory in Europe and recovering from the hangover on Monday, the Tory party is now taking what President Woodrow Wilson once called "the sober second thought." Today we have Vince Cable trailing his coat tails around the TV studious trying to limit the damage to the coalition while Ken Clarke has been keen to point out that nothing has actually changed as far as Britain and Europe is concerned. Meanwhile Europe is ignoring Britain completely, treating it like its already out of the EU. Embarassed and totally out of his depth, David Cameron is wandering around trying to understand what, if anything, he actually did in Brussels and desperately trying to explain to possible foreign investors that its "business as usual." We asked our political editor for an analysis; "The Tories have no idea what they've done and have no idea what the results, if any, are likely to be. They have paid no attention to what Cameron's action would do to the Coalition, what effect it would have in Europe or what foreign investors would make of it all. As such it was a prime example of a typical Tory policy - a kneejerk reaction prompted by an unthinking prejudice with no idea whatsoever of what the consequencies would be. Way to go Cameron!"

Monday, 12 December 2011

Top Military Brass To Lose Servants.

The government has announced today that top military officers are to lose their servants in a move described by many in the armed forces as "a jolly bad show." We asked a government spokesperson for their view; "We've pissed off the police, teachers, trade unionists, doctors, nurses and Europe, so we thought it was about time to piss off the military as well. We made a good start by cutting the military budget while still in Afghanistan and bombing Libya and palming them off with second-rate equipment at inflated prices. These people are not government ministers who need their servants and they'll just have to lump it." We asked a top ranking soldier for his comments but all he would say was "Whibble."

The Invisible Man.

"Where's Nick, where's Nick," Labour MP's shouted today as David Cameron struggled to explain to Parliament how you can veto something without actually stopping it and claim a victory in a battle after refusing to even fight. Meanwhile Nick Clegg, perhaps less "The Invisible Man" and more "The Man Who Never Was," was in a TV studio telling everyone it was a disaster. We asked our political editor for an analysis; "Nick is basically cornered. He's stuck with a coalition that is destroying both his reputation and his party and can't get out of it because, if he does, the resulting general election would see the LibDems sunk without trace. David Cameron isn't in a much better position to be honest since he's now the prisoner of the Eurosceptics in his party and is stuck with a coalition partner that they can't stand the sight of. Three and half more years of this? Only if Clegg can become another of H.G.Wells' creations - "The Man Who Could Work Miracles."