The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Friday, 30 September 2011

Capitalism On Trial.

The BBC, in the wake of Ed Milliband's speech, opened what is perhaps the first real salvo in a debate that is long overdue - what sort of capitalism do we want? The corporate raiders and asset strippers, predictably, argue that business "is too complicated" to regulate. We asked our economics expert for his comments; "Its a question of predators and prey. If you want to know wether predators are good or bad it depends on who you ask - the lions or the zebras. The lions will see it as their right to eat whatever they like because they're lions. The zebras would beg to differ - for them its not complicated at all." We asked George Osborne for his take on this; "There aren't any lions and zebras in Britain except in zoos. What the hell are you talking about? In Britain we have mad dogs and sheep and I ain't no sheep." David Cameron seemed just as puzzled; "I don't know what Ed Milliband is going on about - everything's fine. All we have to do is get back to business as usual and we everything will be back to normal. Banks have a right to do as they like - they're banks." Meanwhile British zebras - sorry sheep - seemed to be utterly confused. "I understand what Ed Milliband is saying," one voter told us, "but I couldn't vote for him because he's not pretty enough. David Cameron might be an unfeeling brute with no empathy for ordinary people but he does have a lovely smile."

"Stop, Or The Kitten Gets It."

Christine Hemming, wife of LibDem MP John Hemming, has been found guilty of kidnapping and murdering a kitten. Mrs Hemming, at the centre of a love triangle of people whose faces could all stop a clock, said; "I don't remember taking the kitten - my mind is a blank. I just want to put this behind me and relax." Husband John, reputed to have had 26 affairs during his marriage, said; "I'm far more interested in screwing up the economy than worrying about a bloody cat." Asked about his 26 affairs he replied; "Yes, I have reputation as a ladies man, which I put down to my stunning good looks and spotless character." A government spokesperson told "The News In Shorts"; "He's just the kind of man we need in politics - even his own wife can't trust him." Meanwhile the whereabouts of the kitten remain shrouded in mystery though police are investigating the possibility that it has left the country in disguise, ashamed of its connections to the LibDem party. An RSPCA spokesperson told us; "We've had several cases of kittens vanishing from the homes of Tory and LibDem MP's recently. We fear this might turn out to be a case of mass suicide."

Britain Up For Sale On Ebay.

The falling stockmarket is not all bad news financial experts announced today. "With the British stockmarket falling by 14% our companies are relatively cheap and are attractive to foreign buyers," our financial editor reports. "We now have an opportunity the flog everything that isn't nailed down. Of course such inward "investment" doesn't show as an increase in GDP so has largely been missed. But we can confidently expect to see many companies bought up by India, Russia and China and shipped abroad lock stock and barrel. Bad news in terms of employment I'll grant you but at least it allows shareholders to offload their shares and slip off to sunnier climes, so its not all bad news." The IMF were particularly pleased at the news. "We've been very worried about Britain," an unnamed spokesperson for the IMF told us. "Flogging off Greek assets has been relatively easy since we've got their politicians by the short and curlies over the Euro, but Britain isn't a member of the Eurozone and isn't technically bankrupt. Fortunately Britain's government have cared so little for their own industries or for regulating the finance markets that grabbing assets during an economic downturn is child's play. Thank God for Thatcher!" We asked George Osborne for his reaction; "This is fantastic news for Britain - or at least for that part that counts for anything. With any kind of luck we can sell all of our industries and retire on the proceeds before the great unwashed get wind of what's going on."

Tories Getting Ready To Blame Good Weather For Economic Downturn.

Excitement was growing today at Tory Hedaquarters as the weather continues to be unseasonably good. "This is bloody marvelous," an unnamed Tory insider told us today. "We've had the "cold weather excuse" and the "royal wedding excuse" now we've been gifted with "the good weather excuse." I love the weather in this country, it gives us almost unbounded scope for ridiculous excuses for our complete incompetence as far as the economy is concerned." Asked the explain how "good weather" excuses poor economic performance George Osborne, rumoured to be Chancellor of the Exchequer, told us; "Well, it's obvious isn't it? Think about all those clothes shops filled to bursting with winter fashion and along comes an Indian summer. Britain's economy is almost entirely dependent on the fashion industry so it speaks for itself doesn't it?" We asked if such loses wouldn't be offset by gains in the tourist industry. "To a certain extent," Ozzie told us, "but it won't be enough. The tourist industry has been badly hit by the terrible summer we've just had and, as you know, the British economy is almost entirely dependent on the tourist industry." We asked him about the Royal Wedding. "It was a terrible wedding - nowhere near as good as Princess Diana's wedding. And, as you know, the British economy is almost entirely dependent on the Royal Wedding industry."

Minister Makes Bid to Appear on "Top Gear"

In a desperate attempt to win a guest spot on "Top Gear" Transport Minister Philip Hammond (no relation) has suggested that the speed limit on British motorways be raised to 80 mph. "Apart from pleasing Jeremy Clarkson," the Minister told us, "there are many advantages to be gained from this. We confidently believe that accidents are almost bound to rise giving a much needed boost to car sales, sales of car parts and insurance companies. Higher speeds will also involve using more fuel which, with the amount of tax we load fuel with, will give a huge boost to the Treasury." Asked about the probable increase in road deaths the Minister told us; "There's another advantage - undertakers will make a fortune and it will help to clear the roads of the useless excess population." We asked a transport expert, Dr. Ferrari, for his views; "Bloody marvelous idea if you ask me. Do you have any idea how many ministers are charging up and down motorways on any particular day? With a bit of luck many of them will end up as mangled remains inside the wrecks of their own government jaguars."

Liam Fox Blames Military For Cuts In Defence.

In a breakthrough for the Tory Party Liam Fox has discovered a means of implimenting his parties usual tactic of blaming the victims. "I've been wracking my brains for a way to apply this tactic to the armed forces and then it hit me like a bolt of lightening. Why not just say it without offering any explaination at all?" Fox told "The News In Shorts." "It works a bit like that children's game "join the dots." All you have to do is say something and then wait for someone else to offer an explaination and pick out the one that suits you best. It's brilliant." We asked Professor Rommel, a defence expert at Oxford University, for his views; "Well, Mr.Fox has a point. If the armed forces would stop getting their toys dirty by using them abroad they wouldn't need so much money." Asked if using equipment abroad wasn't the result of being ordered to do so by the government, Professor Rommel replied; "Technically that's true. But if they'd simply throw bodies at an enemy, as they did during World War I, and save on equipment they wouldn't be in the mess they're in now. After all there are plenty of unemployed kids hanging around street corners who could be useful in this regard. In fact that tactic might save money if servicemen's wages were linked to experience. As they were killed they could replaced with some feral school - leaver at half the price. Such a business-like approach would almost be self-funding."

Thursday, 29 September 2011

Greece To Be Given More Money They Don't Want.

Inspectors from the troika of international creditors supporting Greece, the European Central Banks, the European Commission and the IMF, were prevented from holding talks with the Greek government by ordinary people blocking the entrances to several government offices. As one Greek citizen told us; "We've noticed that, the money these people give us, the poorer we seem to get. Why is that?" We asked our economics expert for his view; "Ah, well. The money isn't actually going to the country as such - it's going straight to the banks who lent Greece money for no viable or sensible commercial reason. When the banks suddently realised that they had lent depositors funds to people who had no chance of ever paying it back, they wanted it back straight away. So the banks told the rest of Europe that if they didn't pay the debt back they would shoot themselves in the head. They, of course, fell over themselves to save the banks from their own complete and utter incompetence and the banks immediately celebrated by giving themselves huge bonuses. Ordinary Greeks couldn't possibly be expected to understand this because they lack the sophisticated analytical intelligence that all bankers are blessed with from birth." We asked a spokesman from the Greek government for his explanation; "These loans are necessary if the rest of the world is not to see Greek politicians as complete fuckwits. It's a matter of national honour. I see the Greek government as latter-day Spartans, bravely defending Thermopylae against overwhelming odds." Er, didn't the Spartans actually lose that one?

Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Tories Reject European Financial Tax

In a completely expected move today the government has utterly rejected any call for a tax on financial transactions.  "When we called for austerity measures," David Cameron, part-time Prime Minister of Britain, told our reporter, "we didn't mean for the banks. We might be all in this together but this is going too far. Such a tax would, in any case, fall disproportionatly on the City Of London where 80% of all financial scams are thought up. I do understand people's anger with the banks but feel that its in the best interests of the country to ignore it. What ordinary common little people don't seem to understand is that the banks are far too wise, far too sophisticated and far too superior to take any notice of their miserable and ill-informed opinions. My message to the British people is keep voting Tory, trust us and pay your taxes. Opinions are for those, like me, who know what we're talking about and have real financial transactions of our own to worry about."

Daniel Hannan Calls For Less Regulation on Banks.

Daniel Hannan, Tory MEP for South East England, has blamed the present economic woes in Europe on "too much regualtion" in the banking industry. Hannan, clinically insane from birth, was first elected to the European Parliament in 1999 where he founded the "Mad As A Bag Of Snakes" movement amongst conservative politicians. "It was regulating the banks that caused this problem," he told the BBC in all seriousness. "What we should do now is dismantle all controls on them and rely completely on their proven expertise, sense of fair play and business acumen. As for Greece, they should commit collective suicide immediately for the good of  everyone else in Europe. And when I say "everyone else" I mean the better people like me." "Daniel was raised half way up a mountain in Peru for tax reasons where the rarified atmosphere starved his brain of oxygen," a close friend told us. "But he means well. He hates ordianry working people, thinks that all union members should be publicly garrotted and that Europe should be banned. He's my kind of Tory!"

Milliband's Speech Rejected by Fatcats.

Ed Milliband's speech before the Labour party conference has met with almost universal rejection by those with a vested interest in keeping things as they are. "He was playing to the Union gallery," Lord Digby Jones informed us. "Everyone knows that our present economic woes are all due to the unions whose constant striking has brought the country to wrack and ruin." Asked if he wasn't talking about the 1970's and 80's rather than today Lord Dig became dewey eyed. "Ah, the 70's and 80's - now there were a couple of decades when we knew where we were and the blessed Margaret led a crusade against the evil working classes." Leaving him hugging himself with a blissful expression on his face, we asked other businessmen what they thought of the speech. "How dare he draw attention to the predatory nature of asset strippers," one asset stripper told us. "Just because we buy businesses for next to nothing, flog off everything we can get our hands on and then throw everyone out of work, there's no need to be nasty. We provide a valuable service. Look at Rover. If it wasn't for people like me we'd still have a car industry in this country acting as a drag on more up to date industries like staff agencies. At this rate we'll never reach the promised land of day labourers begging for work at the factory gates." David Cameron was also quick to criticise Milliband. "He's in the pocket of an evil vested interest - the Unions - who only want to see a return to the horror of full employment. We, on the other hand, are in the pocket of a virtuous vested interest - the banks - who only want to steal everyone's money for their own good."

Greek People Refuse to Cooperate.

As the Greek Prime Minister, Mr. Papandreou, showed off his excellent English while spoking to the EU parliament in Srasbourg, his people put up two fingers to his pledge to do as the IMF told him. A new tax that the Greek government is trying to impose on property has been met in Greece with universal rejection. The pople themselves have said they will not pay it and a plan to collect by adding it to electricity bills seems unlikely as the utility company has refused to do so. We asked an expert what would happen if the Greek people refused to cooperate and the austerity programme failed; "Greece would default on its debt, be declared bankrupt and ordinary people would be better off as the banks would be forced to pick up the bill. In other words a disaster of untrammeled proportion - if you're a European banker that is. And the contagion might spread with Italy, Spain and Portugal refusing to pay the banks back for their dismally stupid judgements. Ordinary people must realise that they have to pay back the debts piled up by the banks and those who were rich enough to borrow money to fund filmstar lifestyles. Otherwise the whole system will fall apart and rich people might begin to suffer too."

Tuesday, 27 September 2011

Osbourne Continues to Use a Steak Tenderiser on the Economy.

Figures released today show that the British economy has continued to slow with a 15% slump in domestic demand. Asked for his view George Osborne, rumoured to be Chancellor of the Exchequer, told our reporter; "This is marvelous news and proves, once and for all, that I'm right and everyone else is wrong. As Britain's economy continues to shrink we become ever more competative. I am confident that, if we can get employment down to zero, we'll be the richest nation on earth. By the way did I tell you that Christmas has been cancelled?" A spokesman for the European Bank told us; "If only Greece was so easy to handle but they just don't see the advantages of having both a fully privatised economy and total unemployment. The fools, the poor fools." Meanwhile Ed Milliband, finally waking up from the Thatcherite hypnotic trance that Labour has been in since 1992, said during the Labour conference; "Er, hang on a minute - how does bankrupting the entire nation help exactly? I might be wrong, and if I am then please feel free to tell me, but doesn't high unemployment, falling output, disastrous export figures and raging inflation point towards a failing economic policy rather than a successful one?" A spokesperson from the right wing think tank, "Thatcher Is A God," told us; "The trouble with Ed Milliband is that he's so unsophisticated. Everyone knows that socialist ideas simply don't work. If we hadn't followed Margaret Thatcher, peace be upon her, we would now have full employment, a thriving manufacturing industry and the unspeakable horror of greater equality here in Britain. Where are the good old-fashioned Victorian values in that?"

Ed Milliband Says The Right Things.

Ed Milliband, during his keynote speech at the Labour conference today, said all the right things. For the first time a politician in this country has managed to distinguish between business that strips assets and business that actually creates something. I believe it - the question is, does he? The message was loud and clear, but lost some of its impact because it was delivered by the less well known of the Milliband brothers. He did, however, score a telling point. You really, really can't trust the Tories on the NHS and this is one battlefield on which the Tories are in an undefensible position. They lied and everyone knows it. The question is how will the Tories deflect attention away from this? Another "listening" exercise? We asked a leading Tory, who wished to remain anonymous for obvious reasons, for his take on it. "We broke no promises over the NHS. We said we wouldn't impose a "top-down" solution and we haven't. We consulted widely an what we should do, ignored what everyone else thought and went ahead. When those people we consulted objected to this we consulted again, carefully positioning a finger in each ear and repeating over and over "lah, lah, lah." I can't see what else, as Tories, we could have done. In terms of drawing attention away from this I strongly urge the Prime Minister to attack Syria immediately with our newly constituted longbow squadrons - he can order such an attack from his villa in Tuscany quite easily. As to buisness, it's clear that Labour is anti-business since they seem to want an economy that is closed to those predatory asset strippers who provide a valuable service for Britian - keeping unemployment high."

Interested in Squirrels? - Me Neither.

Today has continued the trend for slow newsdays with the BBC finding time for such stories as a struggle for survival amongst red squirrels in Dorset. Rivetting stuff if you happen to have a thing for squirrels - or Dorset. Sport featured quite highly with Sir Alex Ferguson complaining that he should be in charge of football in the country and the British Horse Racing Authority concluding that beating a horse with a stick isn't cruel. The main story centred on the redundancies at BAE where 3,000 workers are to be put out of work in Lancashire in order for the company to remain "competative," presumably by exporting the jobs abroad somewhere. The local Tory MP, David Davies, was aghast, thought the rest of the party seemed largely indifferent. Meanwhile there was better news for the Tories in a poll commissioned by the "Independent" which gave them a 1% lead over Labour. "I can't bloody believe it!" David Cameron told "The News in Shorts," "It seems the worse you treat voters in this country the more they vote for you. The whole world is teetering on the brink of economic meltdown because of policies that we pioneered and British voters seem to want more of it!" Ed Milliband, widely believed to be the cause of Labour's inability to topple the Tories, told us; "I can't bloody believe it! We did as that nice woman, Mrs. Thatcher, told us and we were thrown out of power. David Cameron pauperises the whole bleeding country and his support goes up!" We await his speech at the Labour Conference with bated breath.

Monday, 26 September 2011

Qunatum Economics and Greece.

New details of the deal designed to save Greece have now become available and it goes like this. Europe has cobbled together 750 billion Euros which it will use to borrow 3 trillion Euros from the rest of the world (i.e. China). This money will be used for three purposes; 1) To forgive half of Greece's debt; 2) To give to Italy and Spain to prevent them going the same way as Greece; 3) To recapitalise several European banks to prevent them being declared bankrupt. So, Europe is going further into debt, to ease the problems of too much debt and write off half of Greece's debt while, at the same time, bailing those banks that run the debt up in the first place. With me so far? Now we come to the reason for all this - what this is expected to achieve. 1) It will save the Euro - maybe; 2) It will save several European governments from being thrown out by their own electorate - maybe; 3) It will prevent three important European banks from having to face the consequencies of their own actions - maybe. Pretty opaque so far? You betcha, and the reason? Because the backstop, the ultimate bank of last resort is the European taxpayer (and that includes the British). At the end of the day all this effort has been expended to save corrupt politicians, corrupt bankers and an economic system that has proved beyond all doubt to be not fit for purpose while, at the same time, putting us all in hock to the Chinese. All those still in favour of the neocon economic model please send your postcards explaining why to your nearest psychiatrist.

Europe Set to Forgive 50% of Greece's Debt.

The European Bank seems set to forgive 50% of Greece's debt in a bid to stave off complete economic meltdown. "Letting them ditch the Euro is out of the question if half the political leaders in Europe will lose their jobs over it," a spokesperson for the bank told our reporter. "And trying to persuade the Greeks to enslave their own children, as the British have done, isn't going to work. So we've got no choice really. Things would have been a lot easier if the Greek public had simply rolled over and played dead, but they never had the benefit of being led by Margaret Thatcher." In Britian the news was met with mixed feelings. "That's what happens when unions have too much influence and are successful in protecting workers against their own governments," David Cameron told us. "Thank God that's not true in Britain." George Osborne was more relaxed. "We're not in the Euro so we don't have to pay anything and, more importantly, our banks aren't too exposed. RBS is the most exposed, but we can always hand them a few more billion of taxpayers money to protect their bonuses.I agree with David about the unions, however - it sets a bad example for the rest of us."

Taylor Wimpey Help Frame Property Development Reform

In a far from surprising development today it's emerged that not only will property developers be allowed to build wherever they like, but that Taylor Wimpey have helped frame the law. "Some people might liken this to allowing arsonists to frame fire regulations, but we don't see it like that," a Tory spokesperson told us. "We see it more in the way of letting those with the most money to bribe us being allowed to frame the law. Let's face it, if the rioters this summer had been rich enough we'd change the law to make looting a viable career move. We did as much for the banks." Eric Pickles, Minsiter For Not Giving A Toss About Voter's, said; "There's a lesson here for us all - especially "travellers" - nod, nod, wink, wink." Green belt protestor's have raised the same cry up and down the land; "But we're Tory voters!" Yes you are - hurts doesn't it?

BBC Interviews Slimy Sockmarket Trader.

Even members of the team interviewing stockmarket trader Alessio Rastani were left open-mouthed by the trail of slime he left behind him. "Economic collapse," he assured the BBC, "is simply an opportunity to make money. All you have to do is invest wisely - in government bonds for instance," adding, to make it seem more acceptable, "even ordinary people can do it." "Governments think that they rule the world," he said, "but Goldman Sachs does." No argument there, but the relish with which he contemplates the "opportunities" the world economic system gives him and people like him demonstrates why, like nothing else, the system needs changing. He is the face of modern capitalism - selfish, greedy, amoral and smug - and a prime example of the kind of scum that has floated to the surface in the last 30 years. To be fair to him he's merely the product of his times - what in Britain we'd call one of "Thatcher's Children" - but choosing between right and wrong, good and evil, has always been a matter of character and he lacks the vital ingredient - any kind of conscience. Sup with this particular devil and you will certainly need a very long spoon indeed.

Libya More Expensive Than Government Would Like You To Know About.

Government estimates that the Libyan conflict has cost British taxpayers "around £230 million" has been revealed as more creative accountancy rather than a serious attempt to tell the truth. Defence analysts put the figure closer to £1.75 billion and counting. "We believe that £1.75 billion is a cheap price to pay if it makes David Cameron look more statesman-like on the world stage," a government insider told "The News in Shorts," "Otherwise we'd have those two bloody foreigners, Sarkozy and Berlusconi, swanking about looking important - and we can't have that." Asked why the government can't simply come clean and admit how much has been spent, the unnamed minister told us; "We can't have the great unwashed expressing an opinion on these things, otherwise we'll have trouble next time we want to bomb someone for commercial reasons. Anyway we'd have to explain how the money was spent and that would mean explaining how much we'd siphoned off for ultra-secret "black projects" like cleaning my moat and providing the cabinet with chocolate bars."

Benefits Reform Hits The Buffers.

After the Chairman of the Commons Public Accounts Committee described Ian Duncan Smith's reform of the benefit system as "a train crash waiting to happen," the government has decided to push ahead regardless. Asked for his comments Ian Duncan Smith, Minister for Punishing the Unemployed, said; "It's very important that we put a stop to benefit fraud which amounts to nearly £5 billion every year. This is offset by the £5 billion in unclaimed benefits its true, but the money saved will go some way in helping to fund tax avoidance which amounts to £110 billion every year. Some misguided people have suggested that we should concentrate on plugging the loopholes in the tax system but this is clearly nonsense. If we did that rich people would suffer and that has to be avoided at all costs. It is far better to punish the poor and unemployed who, lets face it, are unimportant and beneath contempt." A Westminster insider told us; "IDS may be a vicious little swine but his heart's in the right place - he loves rich people and can't stand people who lie and cheat for anything less than millions. The Tory party has always believed that stealing large amounts of money is enterprising while stealing small amounts is simply low criminality."

Sunday, 25 September 2011

Banks "Confident" They Can Save Their Own Skin.

After a full week of patting themselves on the back for the success they've enjoyed so far in getting world leaders to pauperise their own citizens, the IMF is "confident" that they can get away with even more confidence tricks. "If we can persuade Greece to completely destroy its own economy and Italy to start down the same road," an IMF insider told our reporter, "we've got it made. We've already persuaded European leaders to lend Greece a shed load of money in return for flogging off their own assets so they can pay us back for all those bad investments we made there. We've got entire continents frightened that we'll lower their credit rating unless they give us back the money we lost. Talk about a win/win situation!" Meanwhile politicians were busy blaming each other for the mess in the mistaken belief that they are in charge of their own economies. "All we need is more growth," David Cameron told "The News in Shorts, " "and I remain confident that carving up Greece's public services will provide the necessary plunder - sorry, opportunities for private enterprise - that will save the rest of us. I'm glad to see that the country that gave Europe the basis of its entire culture is now ready to sacrifice itself for the rest of us - not that we gave them much choice."

Cameron Bravely Leads the "Somebody Do Something" Movement.

David Cameron has bravely grasped the nettle and called on someone else to do so something about the failing world economy. "We need growth," he told our reporter, "and I sincerely hope that someone else can provide it. We can't, of course, because we're too busy waiting for some one else to do it and don't want to spend any money. If we can get some other country to lead the way we can then take advantage by exporting our stuff to them. I call this policy "closing my eyes, crossing my fingers and hoping for the best." Unfortunately this policy has proven so popular that nearly every other national leader has adopted it too - selfish bastards." George Osborne, Chancellor of the Exchequer because of his experience as Cameron's "fag" at Eton, told our reporter. "If we can get everyone else to spend while we hold back and lecture them we stand a really good chance of making our bankers richer than theirs and end up in a really strong position. It's a matter of who blinks first - or at least who's population rises in revolt first. We're hoping it will be Germany or France. Then we can jump up and down and frighten our own population into acquiesence. Good plan isn't it?"

Mragaret Tahtcher Seen in Public (Though Not In Daylight).

Margaret Thatcher, legendary hero of the "mad as a bag of snakes" tendency in the Tory party, has made a rare appearance in public. Attending Liam Fox's 50th birthday party, presumably to lend support to his "let's conquer the world with a penknife" policy, the most famous mad person to live at No.10 looked frail, confused and wierdly threatening. "It's great to see her still up and about, despite all attempts to bury her," Liam Fox told our reporter. "We should be proud that she helped to lay the foundations for the present success in terms of the world economy." Other commentators, not driven completely insane by greed and selfishness, are more ambivalent in their assessment of her legacy. One leading economist told "The News in Shorts"; "That women landed us all with what George Bush Snr once called "voodoo economics" - the idea that making rich people richer would, in some unfathomable way, benefit everyone. The greedy and selfish have been banging that drum ever since, insisting that we free them to do what ever they like on the basis that being rich makes you a superior human being. So far all they've managed to demonstrate is that they are dismally stupid, remorselessly greedy and so self-centred they'd kill the whole world for an extra quid." Political commentators were even more ambivalent if anything; "She's often held up as an example of "strong leadership," one political analyst told us, "but so was Caligula. Why would any sane person follow a "strong leader" in entirely the wrong direction for decades on end just because they're "strong? To be honest she is the very embodiment of modern Toryism - irrelevant, insane, vicious and completely incoherent."

Saturday, 24 September 2011

Local Councils Get Tough With The Weak And Vulnerable.

On what can only be described as a slow newsday several Tory councils have been forced to release facts about their policies on a day that they can't hide them. Kent County Council (Tory) has announced that its mental health care will no longer be free, Devon County Council (Tory) is planning to throw yet more people out of work and, as previously reported, Nottinghamshire County Council (Tory) has decided to flog off its care homes. "We have no choice," one County Council spokesperson told us. "Normally we'd try to hide behind some awful story about a tidal wave in the third world or something but nature has refused to cooperate on this occassion. It's enough to make you wonder if God is a Tory after all." Asked about the human cost of all this bad news the spokesperson responded with; "What human cost? These people aren't strictly human in the full meaning of the word - many of them don't even vote Tory. As to the cost, that's the whole point isn't it? The only way that Britain can be turned around is to encourage the rich, greedy and selfish to be even more rich, greedy and selfish. If the last 30 years have taught us anything its that there's been too much regulation and too much tax money wasted on people who should have the decency to go off and die. People accuse us of being inhuman, but what's more human than being greedy, stupid and selfish? And, as Hitler once told the Jews, we're all in this together."

Nottinghamshire Councils Sells Old People.

In a further demonstration in creative accountancy Nottinghamshire Council has flogged several care homes for a fraction of their real value. "By selling six care homes for £1.9 million to Runwood Homes we will "save" millions of tax payers money," a spokesperson for the Council said, "with the added benefit of off loading a few hundred wrinklies that no body wants anymore. Now admitedly it also means that we'll have to pay Runwood more money to run these homes than we paid before, but that has several advantages. The chief one being that I own shares in the company and they've promised to "donate" to the local Tory party." Opponants of the scheme, which includes all the residents in the homes and their relatives plus everyone in Nottinghamshire with a shred of conscience left, said; "The only way that Runwood can make a profit out of all this is by dropping standards of care and cutting staff numbers." Runwood Homes were unavailable for comment but an unnamed whistleblower told "The News in Shorts"; "Runwood is one of the largest employers in Eastern Europe and plans to fill the homes with staff earning 2p per hour housed in caravans on a compound surrounded by barbed wire - and they're the lucky ones. Residents of the homes can look forward to spending 24 hours a day in bed drugged up to the eyeballs with their private parts linked directly to the sewer system."

Another Incompetent Banker Resigns.

In a show of great humility the CEO of UBS, Oswald Gruebel, has resigned in the wake of yet another "rogue trader" scandal. Brought out of retirement to help with the debt crisis at the bank Herr Gruebel has made the amazing discovery that he's part of the problem rather than part of the solution. "He's mortified," an insider at UBS told our reporter, "but not so mortified that he'll refuse the stupendously large "golden handshake" he's earned for a whole two years work." Meanwhile, Kweku Adoboli the "rogue trader" in question defended his actions; "I worked my way up from the bottom, having obtained an on-line degree in Advanced Trading from the University of Antartica. I was recruited by UBS who carefully checked my qualifications before they handed over billions of pounds of assets for me to play with. It was then that it all went horribly wrong and I found out I didn't actually have a clue as to what I was doing. That didn't seem to bother UBS too much and, by then, I had a £6 million mortgage to service and a string of "girlfriends" who kept asking me for money for some reason. It was a nightmare so I did what all bankers are trained to do - I stole huge amounts of money, gambled it away and then resorted to false accounting. To be honest I don't know what all the fuss is about."

Geithner Joins Politicians Who Want "Someone Else To Do Something."

In a surprise move today Timothy Geithner, US Treasury Secretary, has joined with other world politicians to urge someone else to do something about the world economy before its too late. This movement, which has been gathering momentum ever since politicians realised they are too cowardly to do something themselves, has many supporters in the court of world opinion but has little else to recommend it. "What we need now is decisive leadership," David Cameron told our reporter. "If only I knew someone like that I'd urge him to lead decisively." George Osborne, rumoured to be the Chancellor of the Exchequer despite having no discernable qualifications for the job said; "If only other countries would decisively do nothing like I've done, everything would come right - I think, though I can't be sure." Christine Legarde, made head of the IMF after demonstrating she wouldn't rape anyone, said; "We need a strong man with big bulging biceps and dark fathomless eyes to say to the world "Go ahead banks, make my day." Unfortunately all we have is Angela Merkle and even German don't listen to her." President Obama, having already wrestled with various boneheads over Palestine, told us; "It's not easy to be strong and decisive when you have the Republican party cutting you off at the knees. What's Europe's excuse?" Meanwhile bankers, through their mouthpiece, the IMF, have continued to hold a gun against their own heads and have warned world leaders, "Stop or I'll shoot."

Poll Indicates Only 32% of Voters Are Insane.

A new Guardian/ICM poll has revealed that, after a year of economic vandalism by the Coaltion, only 32% of voters are still out of their minds. Nearly twice as many, 62%, have realised that giving all their money to rich people and paying incompetent bankers stupendous amounts of money so they can have tax free unearned bonuses might not be such a good idea after all. An independant poll carried out by "The News in Shorts" has also revealed another interesting fact - 90% of voters now realise that the other 10% are not necessarily "all in this together." Asked for his comments David Cameron said; "It's all the bloody LibDems fault. If they'd stop wittering on about "fairness" we might have gotten away with this for a lot longer." Nick Clegg, on the other hand, said; "It's all the bloody Tories fault. If they'd listened to us about "fairness" we could have gotten away with this for a lot longer." Meanwhile George Osborne, rumoured to be Chancellor of the Exchequer, commented; " Let's face it, the world economy is just like the "Titanic" - there's only enough lifeboats for the first class passengers. We're all in this together - but some us are floating on the ocean while the rest of you have been left to thrash about in the freezing water. Seems fair to me."

Friday, 23 September 2011

Banks Lead Politicians By The Nose

In a shock realisation tonight it has been revealed that the banks are greedy and selfish and politicians are really, really stupid. Having concentrated on the wrong problem - Greece - they have failed completely to notice that the banking system is actually broken beyond repair. Politicians have inflicted huge damage on their own economies to please the IMF, little more than enforcers for the banks, as the banks themselves demand that ordinary taxpayers reimburse them for the bad investments they have made. Asked for his comments George Osborne, rumoured to be the Chancellor of the Exchequer, said; "It's everyone else's fault. If other countries would only cut their own throats and beat the poor with a stick, as we have done, then everything would come right and it would be business as usual. At this rate we'll have to do some completely unacceptable things like regulating the banks and closing tax loopholes for the rich." Meanwhile David Cameron, part-time Prime Minister, said; "When I said we're all in this together I didn't mean it literally. Its completely unfair to make banks responsible for their own mistakes or to make rich people pay taxes - that's self evident isn't it?"  As the international finance markets vote with their feet and pour money into gold in the mistaken belief that people can eat it, pension funds and investment products have nose-dived. As one economic expert told "The News in Shorts", "It's time to run for the hills - we're f***ed!"

Cameron's Big Society Triumph.

When David Cameron launched his "Big Society," naysayers said it was just words - a rip off of President Lyndon Johnson's "Great Society" in the 1960's. New figures reveal that they were dead right as volunteering falls to levels not seen since 2001. "I don't accept this," the part-time Prime Minister told our reporter. "I believe my policy initiative has been a resounding success. The actual numbers of people volunteering might have fallen but the quality is much better. During the Labour years you had all sorts of unsuitable people volunteering, now we only have the best sort of people doing it." In a related story it has emerged that the Tory "National Citizen Service" has also bombed as a quarter of places on the scheme remain vacant, while youth clubs have been forced to close in droves. Nick Hurd, Minister for an Uncivil Society defended his department's record. "Our initiative is very new and very different," he told "The News in Shorts." "It might also be very much smaller than what was going on before but that simply means its more efficient and more profitable. Our latest initiative which includes smart new uniforms in black and brown will, I'm sure, make all the difference. Anyway its a well known fact that youth clubs were simply training grounds for rioters and its only right they should be shut down."

Business Leaders to have Hotline to Government.

In a bid to streamline corruption in public life selected businesses are to be given a direct hotline to government. "This will both speed up the process of handing large amounts of money to ministers and hide it from prying eyes," a Tory spokesman told "The News in Shorts." "We are hoping that large companies will compete for the right to talk to us by upping their contributions to the party. But this should not be seen as corruption. When the unions give Labour money, that's corruption. When we get money from private enterprise, that's just good business." Vince Cable, the Minister for Funny Business, was unusually complacent; "It's no good business thinking that it only has to bribe the Tories. This is a coalition and if we have to share the crap we should get a good chunk of money as well." Asked for his comments Ed Milliband commented; "This is all old hat to be honest - Labour did this for years when we were in power. Except it wasn't business as such that had the hotline - it was the banks. How do you think Tony Blair got so many lucrative consultancies with the banks after he retired?" We approached the Parliamentary Ombudsman and asked if all this was legal; "Bugger off plebs," we were told. "Who do you think you are, Rupert Murdoch?"

Cameron Forgets to Blame Labour.

In a terrible gaff that has left even members of his own party wondering wether Cameron is up to the job, the part-time Prime Minister told the IMF; "The recovery out of the recession for the advanced economies will be difficult. Growth in Europe has stalled, growth in America has stalled. The effect of the Japanese earthquake, high oil and fuel prices is creating a drag on growth. But fundamentally we are still facing the aftermath of the world financial bust and economic collapse in 2008." Stunned Tories were furious at him for forgetting to blame Labour. "What's the point of writing a script if the bloody leader forgets to use it?" one cabinet member told "The News in Shorts." "My God," Vince Cable told us, "if he goes on like this people will start blaming us and that is doubly infuriating when its true." Asked for his comments Ed Milliband said; "Even I was beginning to believe it. So the banks were to blame after all - who would credit it eh?"

Conservative MP Supports the Judicial Execution of Innocent People.

Britain's most popular panel show, "Question Time," has demonstrated once again tonight why it retains this position in the ratings - Ian Hislop. While the political establishment furnished the usual set of placemen and nonentities, Ian Hislop proved once again that Britain can still produce people with some sense of humanity. Priti Patel, Tory MP for Witham, on the other hand proved conclusively that this is not always the case. Ending every comment she made with the phrase "I really do," she managed to be the only person on the panel to be booed by the audience for her support of killing innocent people. Capital punishment, she suggested, acts as a deterrent even if the person executed is actually innocent. Texas, as Ian Hislop pointed out, seems to be an exception to this since, despite killing people right and left, it's death row continues to be well populated. Floored by the logic of this response Patel then fell back on the "vengeance" argument, one that Tories often seem to invoke when dealing with the economy.

Thursday, 22 September 2011

Andrew Lansley Blames Labour For His Policies.

Andrew Lansley, Minister For Privatising the NHS, has accused Labour of wrecking the NHS before he had a chance to do so himself. "It's not fair," he told our reporter. "Screwing up the NHS is my job. They set up Private Finance Initiatives which the NHS can no longer afford after I've taken the necessary funds away. This was obviously a devious ploy to force a future Tory government into maintaining the levels of funding that has now badly backfired. They should have known that we would hve no qualms about slashing the health budget even when we told voters that we wouldn't. What's wrong with these people?" Andrew Lansley, who prides himself on being a two-faced liar, or as other people would call it, a Tory, is a serial offender in this regard and has been described by those closest to him as "a twat." Despite this he has been tipped as a future leader of the party. One Tory party spokesperson told us; "You have to admire the sheer sleaziness of his campaign against the public and his determination to flog off the NHS to organ harvesters and other international criminals. Even for our party he really is a stinker - perfect leadership material as far as we're concerned."

Cameron Assumes Tony Blair's Mantle at UN.

David Cameron has made a bid to assume Tony Blair's mantle as the most misguided Prime Minister of the 21st century. "I saw an opportunity," the part-time Prime Minister told our reporter, "and I took it. When Tony Blair set out his plans for liberal interventionism he did so knowing he had a sizable army, navy and air force behind him. I intend to go one better and follow exactly the same insane policy but without the benefit of armed force to back it up. Think of it as the political equivalent of walking a tightrope without a safety net. I have ordered the MOD to draw up plans for an immediate intervention in Syria using several divisions of rhetoric and a preliminary attack of ideology. Once this is accomplished I will then seek a UN mandate to seize the oil reserves in the Caucasus and follow this up with a reconquest of India and Pakistan together with a foray into the Suez Canal using the power of logical argument alone. As I've said before I intend to put the "Great" back into Britain and, despite the fact that Labour left the whole world economy in a mess, will do this while saving the country billions. I know this is an ambitious programme but it can succeed if the will is there. I intend to call this programme "The Triumph of the Will." Catchy isn't it?"

It's Official - The Recovery Is Over.

Figures released today from Europe show that the private sector actually shrank this year by 2% throwing the world back into reccesion and the Tory Party into scrabbling around for a way to spin this unfortunate fact out of existence. As the IMF met in Washington and Christine Lagarde tried to blame democracy for the lack of international action, bankerss were seen to lurk around the back of the hall, trying to look innocent and muttering "nothing to do with me guv." The recent recovery, in the meantime, has now been entered into the Guiness Book of Records as the shortest and most unnoticed in history. George Osborne, rumoured to still be Chancellor of the Exchequer, issued a statement in a desperate attempt to maintain his own state of denial and keep his fellow countrymen in the dark; "This simply goes to prove that the world has failed to take our lead and commit economic suicide at the pace that is demanded. You cannot spend your way out of bankruptcy but it is still possible to cut our way there if we try really hard. Everyone knows that the previous Labour government is solely responsible for the world recession while the international banking community has been scapegoated by unscrupulous socialists who's only goal is the evil of full employment. Unless we throw everyone out of work immediately or at least force wages down to starvation level, we cannot save rich people from the consequencies of their own greed."

Cameron To Put The "Great" Back in Britain.

David Cameron, the country's first part-time Prime Minister, has decided that the time is right to put the "Great" back in Britain. "This used to be a wonderful country where happy peasants worked in factories and spent their weekends drinking warm beer and playing cricket. Despite the fact that our global economy now demands that manufacturing is not needed, beer has been replaced by alchoholic fruit drinks to encourage underage drinking and cricket is only played by overpaid professionals, Britain can still be great. All that is needed is the will to turn the clock back two hundred years or so and, hey presto, we'll be back in paradise. Imagine a country in which workers have no enforcable rights, in which unions have ceased to exist and where happy workers turn up, cap in hand, to see if they get paid work for the day. Imagine a country where the rich have everything and the poor are just grateful to draw their next breath. Imagine a country in which the dead weight of the NHS is replaced by workhouse infirmaries where the poor can die in dignity knowing that they haven't been a burden to tax avoiders. Imagine a country where bankers can get on with what they do best - stealing money - without forever having to look over their shoulders. Imagine a country where the peasants are uneducated and simply do as they're told because they don't know any better. That is my vision for this country - the way back to the greatness I and my class miss so much." Yes, just imagine.

Gas Found in T'North.

Vast reserves of shale gas have been found in Lancashire it emerged today. "This will certainly guarantee gas supplies well into the century," an unnamed utility spokesman told our reporter, "and will lead to a vast increase in prices if we play our cards right." Asked to explain this seeming paradox the spokesman said; "In a modern capitalist state supply and demand no longer apply and the system is driven entirely by charging outrageous prices to people who's wages have been driven to the lowest level possible. This has the valuable effect of putting money where it belongs - into the hands of people like me." Meanwhile, in a new development, a tent city of protesters opposed to the 21st century has spontaneoulsy appeared around the site. "We thoroughly disaprove of this gas field," a protester known as "The Duck Man" told our reporter. "What this country needs is not more energy supplies but a return to a hunter-gatherer society in which free men can hunt mammoth across the tundra. We should be getting ready for the next Ice Age not by laying in further gas supplies but by importing quick evolving elephants." A government press release stated; "This is good news for Britain - especially those with shares in the gas industry - and the Prime Minister is looking forward to telling the Russians where they can shove their pipeline."

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Tories Decide to Frighten Terminally Ill People.

In an attempt to demonstrate to the nation that they are on the ball, the Tories have sent letters to the terminally ill telling them their money will be stopped before they die even though the necessary legislation has yet to be passed. "People have accused us of frightening the terminally ill," Ian Duncan Smith said today, "but let's face it they probably can't get any more frightened than they already are. And, anyway, what would the terminally ill want money for? It's not as if they can just get up and go on holiday is it? This measure will save millions in taxpayers money which can be channeled into more productive avenues such as MP's expenses and banker's bonuses. Unfortunately our plans to bury the terminally ill before they die will have to wait until we've gotten rid of that human right's rubbish." Asked for his comments Nick Clegg, Deputy Tea Boy, told our reporter; "Let me explain our support for human rights in words of one syllable - They Will Stay 'Till The Tor Ries Get Rid Of Them. I know that until and Tories are actually two syllable words but no one's listening to me in any case - least of all the voters."

Clegg Outlines New Promises He Hopes To Break

In a spirited defence of his policies in coalition in Birmingham today Nick Clegg has made a whole new set of promises he doesn't intend to keep. "I found reneging on LibDem promises about student fees gut wrenching," he told the party faithful,"but not as gut wrenching as losing my job as Deputy Prime Minister. Despite this our party has been able to rein in many Tory policies such as reducing benefits, throwing everyone out of work and destroying the NHS. Imagine what they would have done if we hadn't been there to stop them. We should be proud that, when the national interest was at stake, we stepped in and sold the country out on our terms. Now we can present the country with new pledges we have no intention of keeping on the economy, on jobs, on education and the NHS. George Osborne has found £5 billion he'd forgot about and it's our job to persuade him to spend it on things important to the country. Things like more capital investment in the railways so we can have even more trains no one can afford to use and new summer schools to keep the next generation of rioters off the streets. Where Labour failed to regulate the banks we have merely neglected to do so. Where Labour failed to clean up Westminster we have let offenders off early and successfully hidden what we've been up to. It's a new beginning for the LibDems and it's up to us to sell this crap to the electorate."

Deficit Rises As Cuts "Begin To Work."

Once again quantum physics has come to the coalition government's rescue as the deficit in August was both higher than last August and proof positive that government cuts were working. George Osbourne, rumoured to be Chancellor of the Exchequer, told "The News in Shorts"; "The way we've been taxing the banks has distorted the figures," he told us. "It seems the more we tax the banks the more we have to borrow." Our reporter asked Dr. Socrates Pappandriokus, author of  "Greece: An Economic History and Other Romances" and Professor of Cruel and Unusual Economics at Cambridge University, for his views. "Well, we have uncovered some very wierd quantum effects in economics recently. Much of this has been due to strain put upon the fabric of time/space by the creation of the coalition. Thus we now find that taxing the rich returns less money, taxing ordinary people and throwing them out of work has no effect on final demand and now this - cuts in the budget actually increase borrowing. However it must be pointed out that this is merely a glitch in the remorseless downward pressure on borrowing. As the overall figure shows the coalition have managed to shave off £2 billion from Britain's national debt. That's almost enough to offset MP's pensions and equates to pocket change even in Pakistan - but it's a start. We economists believe that debt can be squeezed out of the system just in time for the Second Coming and will be achieved when we've driven the country back to the stone age." Asked for his take on this the head of the IMF, Count Vlad Tepesch,  commented "Tossers."

Cameron Swears to Protect Countryside.

In a passionate speech today David Cameron has pledged to protect the countryside. "As everyone knows I have always kept my promises," he told a hand-picked audience of Tory supporters. "The NHS is already becoming reconciled to its new role as a shop window for the medical insurance and organ harvesting industries. British manufacturing is now flourishing in its new home in China. Unemployment has never been so low since we stopped keeping accurate figures and the economy is booming thanks to the measures we've taken to kick banking reform into the long grass. Justice is now accessible to anyone with the money to pay for it and educational standards are at an all time high as British students give way to foreigners willing to pay through the nose for a degree. I will now promise you all that the British countryside will soon be safe under a protective covering of concrete up to two feet thick."

Tuesday, 20 September 2011

Osbourne Finds £5 Billion Under His Bed.

George Osbourne, rumoured to be Britain's Chancellor of the Exchequer, has announced today that he has found £5 billion pounds he'd forgotten about. "I forgot all about it," he told our reporter. "I must have put it under the bed before I left on holiday and didn't think about it until now. I know that people have been calling for a "Plan B" but that, of course, is out of the question. However, I do have a "Plan A+1" which I developed at the same time as "Plan A" which I can use. This plan is a radical idea that involves investing in Britain to stimulate the economy and is, therefore, nothing like the Labour Party's so-called "Plan B" which called for investing in Britain to stimulate growth." David Cameron, topping up his suntan on a beach in Libya, told our Middle Eastern corresspondent; "It's a bloody good idea and is nothing like Labour's "Plan B" which, of course, is completely out of the question. We actually had the idea months ago but didn't want to talk about it because we're a bit shy like that." Ed Balls was reportedly furious. "That's my idea," he told the BBC. "Those bloody Tories nicked it from me. I've a good mind to complain or something."

Cameron Takes Advice from Blair on Middle East.

In a bizzare admission David Cameron, part-time Prime Minister of Britain, told "The News in Shorts"; "I haven't got a bloody clue as to what is going on in the Middle East and have decided to seek advice from Britain's most clueless expert - Tony Blair. Having asked my cabinet colleagues for their views and discovered that their almost total incompetence in their own fields extends into that of foreign affairs, I've elected to ask someone who at least knows where the Middle East is. Now it might seem strange to ask the man who was once photographed kissing Gadaffi in a tent in the middle of the desert for his opinion about Libya, but who else could I turn to? William Hague is bloody useless at the best of times but when it comes to the Middle East - need I say more? I could have asked Boris but he's only interested in introducing bus lanes and congestion charges to central Tripoli and Eric Pickles wants to wash his hands of the whole thing. So, it's Tony Blair or nobody I'm afraid. Bloody depressing isn't it?"

IMF Drops Usual Complacency.

In a shock volte face the IMF has described the world economy as being in a "quite dangerous" position. With western countries effectively bankrupt, Greece effectively defaulting on its international debts and the United States being strangled by its own politicians, the IMF has dropped its usual show of complete indifference and sounded a mild warning. "The lack of growth, which by any normal standards would be described as calamatous, is, in our estimation, quite worrying. We hate to use the phrase "double dip recession," especially after denying it for so long, but we feel that actually being in one warrants at least a passing mention. Nor would we like to characterise the British government's totally insane economic policy as "totally insane," even if it is, but would like to say that they might want to reconsider their incomprehensible economic theory in the interests of common sense. We understand the Tory lust for utter destruction and feelings of vengeance against their own citizens, but we urge them to perhaps stimulate their economy even if it is only to get the chance of torturing ordinary people in Britain for a further five years. We would also urge bankers across the world to stop gorging themselves for a minute or two in order to take a well-earned breath. We remain optimistic, despite all the evidence of impending disaster, and sincerely believe that the complete lack of intellectual ability and imagination amongst western politicians will come right in the end."

Obama Asks the Rich to Pay Their Fair Share.

In an appeal to Congress today President Obama asked that his plan to stimulate the US economy be adopted and that his plans to tax richer Americans should not be watered down. Republican politicians, responding to this appeal with their usual patriotism, immediately went into sackcloth and ashes mode. tearing the skin from their cheeks in distress. "This will be the end for the United States," Bubba Richoilman, Senator for Texas, warned. "When people like me, self made men who started out in life with nothing but a vast fortune, are taxed, freedom is threatened across the globe. Barak Obama, as leader of the Muslim terrorist tendency in the Democratic Party, must be stopped before he taxes me to fund his campaign of terror in America. The United States has not spilled its blood defending freedom in the world to see those freedoms taxed."

William Hagues Fails to Answer Any Questions on the Economy.

William Hague, interviewed today about the economy by the BBC, resolutely refused to answer any questions put to him and continued the usual politican's trick of answering the question he wished he'd been asked. When questioned as to why Britain's economic performance was so poor in comparison to other major countries, he replied; "Well of course our economic figures are similar to others, Bangladesh and Burnundi spring to mind, and we are valiantly battling against the huge deficit left to us by the last Labour government." Asked why forecasts of GDP for Britain had fallen from 1.7% to 1.1%, he answered; "We inherited a huge deficit from the last Labour government, as I may have mentioned before, and this was almost entirely responsible for the cuts in services we have reluctantly inflicted on the peasants in this country. The fall in GDP is a complete coincidence and has nothing to do with our economic policy or, as we Tories like to term it, the revenge." Having made no discernable progress with this line of questioning the BBC interviewer craftily asked a question about Libya. "Well of course," William Hague replied, "we inherited a huge deficit from the last Labour government, as I may have said before, and this was entirely responsible for Colonel Ghadafi/Gadaffi/Gaddafi/Quadafi or Whatever being an absolute git for the last 42 years."

Apologies to Our Readers.

The Editor and reporting staff for "The News in Shorts" would like to apologise for not publishing our daily edition for several days. This gap was occasioned by a free junket to Windsor during which staff became outrageoulsy drunk and caused a great deal of distress to the locals of Windsor. This was particularly true in the case of the resident in the largest council house in Windsor which has grown to unbelivable proportions after 1,000 years on benefits. For this we apologise unreservedly

Friday, 16 September 2011

Boundary Changes - The Truth

As many as 10 million voters may simply not bother to vote under the changes to electoral law proposed by the Tories. The demand that all eligible voters should register is to be dropped which, it is estimated, will lead to many inner-city voters not bothering to register at all. "This is a completely unexpected outcome," one Tory cabinet minister told our reporter. "But you have to look on the bright side. This will prevent a feral underclass, or Labour voters as some people like to call  them, from spoiling our lovely democracy. It will also have the added effect of preventing the border agency finding so many illegal immigrants helping us to claim we have a grip on the problem." A Labour spokesman added; "Many people fear that this will entrench a Tory majority but they shouldn't worry - we did that when we threw out all our principles in the late 1980's and its almost complete now that the LibDems have thrown their lot in with Cameron. All we need is the Green's to ditch some of their more outrageous policies over coal mining, CO2 emissions and killing kittens for sport and we're there." Meanwhile the Parliamentary Commission charged with pulling the wool over the electorate's eyes issued a statement; "We are both shocked and dismayed to discover that we are about to inadvertantly wreck the entire voting system but I'm afraid its too late to do anything about it at this late stage. We've already put our pencil cases away."

Thursday, 15 September 2011

Tax Payers Subsidise Public Sector Pensions and Private Sector Wages.

As public sector unions gird their loins to strike on November 30th, the government has gone on the offensive. "Why should the poor taxpayer have to subsidise greedy public sector worker's pensions?" George Osbourne asked today. "They should concentrate on subsidising the private sector through the tax credit system because they refuse to pay a living wage to their workers instead." Our reporter asked why one was unfair while the other was quite acceptable, especially as public sector jobs were disappearing while private sector jobs, at least according to the government, were increasing in number. "They are completely different," the Chancellor bravely maintained. "On the one hand you have people working in the public sector who, by and large, support Labour, while, on the other side, you have wealthy mates of mine who quite rightly believe they have a right to to pay low wages that are subsidised by the taxpayer. I hope that clarifies the situation."

Five Central Banks Hand Over Our Tax Money - Again.

In an effort to stave off yet another banking crisis caused by the banks, the five central banks of Britain, France, Germany, Switzerland and Japan have handed over billions of tax payers money to ease their liquidity problems. "We certainly learned our lesson the last time," a spokesman from a high street bank told our reporter. "All we have to do is plead poverty, threaten to bring down the entire financial system and governments throw money at us. It's bloody marvelous and, whats more, we can even avoid paying tax ourselves." A spokesman for the European Union admitted; "OK, the banks have stolen billions from our taxpayers yet again but you have to look on the bright side - rich people remain relatively safe and Greece will able to stay in the Euro and save the reputations of several European politicians. It's hard to imagine what would happen if the rich had to share in the pain that the rest have to endure or what might happen if politicians were embarassed. It would be the end of civilization as we know it." In America the Federal Reserve issued a statement; "Thank God European's don't have democratic institutions like we've got otherwise nothing would ever get done. It's a shame that its the European and Japanese electorate that get done, but it's at least better than trying to prize tax money out of an American's cold dead hand."

LibDems Worried About "Loss of Identity."

The LibDems, it seems, are worried about a "loss of identity" after their close association with the Tories in the coalition government. "It's always a problem when you sell your soul to the devil," a LibDem spokesperson admitted, "and even worse when the price you got was so low. Now we have an uphill struggle trying to prove that we're still LibDems. We might be able to persuade the party faithful but I think the rest of the country is a write off to be honest. All we can do is play to the gallery and hope for the best. The electorate in this country have a thirty-second memory by and large so if we pretend that nothing's changed perhaps they'll fall for it." A Tory spokesman between sniggers told us; "All we have to do now is see Labour off and we've got it made. I think that David Cameron's triumphant entry into Behghazi today will probably pay dividends, especially as Cleggy was nowhere to be seen and Sarkozy was so obviously shorter than David. We even managed to get William Hague to stand in the background so that the sun didn't glint off his head and divert attention away from our leader. You can't buy publicity like that!"

Cameron a Hero in Libya.

The Libyans have greeted David Cameron as he hero in Benghazi today, unaware that as he helped them to get deomcracy he's been busily destroying it at home in Britain. "Its a great pleasure to be greeted by people who actually seem to like me," the part-time PM told reporters. "It's always been my ambition to restore democracy to some third world country since I don't dare do it at home. These people have been able to overthrow a regime that has sought to entrench privilege for a few while denying the majority any say in how they're governed and I'm delighted they all live a long way away from Britain. Everyone, except people living in Britain, should be inspired by what has happened here. They have chosen freedom and fought for it like lions and I sincerely hope that the people of Britain continue to be utterly cowardly and do as they're told. Now, where's the oil?" President Sarkozy, even more unpopular in France than Cameron is in Britain, echoed the PM's words and then playfully raced Cameron to the oil depots.

Tories Plan to Poison the Whole Nation.

In a move disguised as "saving waste" the Tories are to abolish "sell-by dates" thereby allowing the food industry carte blanche in putting whatever they want on supermarket shelves. "Its a wonderful plan," the Minister for Poisoning the Electorate told us. "People won't have a clue as to how old the food is and will still throw it away by the truckload just to be on the safe side, while the food industry will be able to unload a mountain of six-year old chickens and whatnot. It took us some time to come up with this one. I mean, we want people to spend so why would we care about waste? By aboloshing sell-by dates we get the best of both worlds. And by aboloshing the NHS anyone who gets serious food poisoning will be dead before they get to complain. It's bloody perfect."

Eric Pickles Suddenly Likes Democracy.

Eric Pickles, writing in the "Guardian," has come out in support of democracy. "I've never had much to do with it before," he told our political editor, "but I must say it does have certain advantages. Take planning for instance. In the past my pals, the property developers, not only had to battle against local protestors they also had to conform to really complicated rules from central government. I plan to make sure that they only have to bribe local councillors by taking central government out of the equation. Now you might think this will remove a valuable source of income away from MP's and I suppose it does - but my party has trousered a huge amount of money for this and we can squeeze a bit more before its all over. Bugger local MP's, especially if they're Labour, I'm making a bleeding fortune." Labour MP's were rather gloomy at the news. "Most of the property developers are looking to blight greenfield sites rather than revamp inner city brownfield ones so me and my mates will probably miss out," one told our Westminster reporter. "What Pickles doesn't understand is that supporting property development was a nice little earner for all of us and now he's gone and spoiled it all by making a direct deal and funneling all that lovely cash to the Tory party. Bastard." The LibDems have a different take on the matter. "This is a great day for democracy," an unnamed spokesman for the party told us. "Now we'll have a bunch of local nimby's locked in an unequal struggle with savvy developers armed to the teeth with the best justice money can buy."

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

Europe in the Hands of the Insane.

It's official - after the much vaunted telephone conference between France, Germany and Greece the fate of Europe is the hands of a few suicidaly insane politicians. Faced with a choice between forgiving Greece its debts or dismantling the Euro, the leaders of Europe have opted to do neither. "It's a matter of politics," our political editor tried to explain. "Europe is like a truck careering out of control. One politician is in charge of the break but can't use it for "political" reasons. Another has his foot on the accelerator and can't ease off for "political" reasons. As for the politician with his hands on the steering wheel - he's blindfolded for "political" reasons. And the real reason for all this? For the word "politics" read "ideology." Instead of politicians taking actions based on pragmatic reasoning they are bound by the insanity of the neocon wet dream - the idea that the capitalist system is not run by demand but by how little the rich pay in tax and how low wages can be forced down." If readers don't find this article to be particularly funny, that's because it isn't.

110,000 Civil Servants Ditched in Three Months.

110,000 civil servants have bee thrown out of work in the last three months while the private sector has only managed to generate 41,000 jobs in the same period it emerged today. "This is excellent news," David Cameron told our reporter. "At this rate there'll be no government at all within a year. It's a bit disappointing that the private sector has failed to step up to the plate, but, heyho, you can't have everything." George Osbourne was particularly pleased with the figures; "This proves what we've always believed - putting people out of work is very satisfying if  you can hang onto your own while you're doing it." Meanwhile, against the background of a threatened general strike in November, Eric Pickles commented; "Everything is going to plan. We've got rid of a huge number of civil servants and the rest are about to go on strike. The economy is tanking and were still fighting wars on two fronts with a shrinking army, navy and air force. Then there's the NHS which is about to disappear once and for all. I've had worse wet dreams than this!"

Lord Hanningfield Collared Again.

Celebrating only his second day of freedom Lord Hanningfield has been re-arrested for fraud during the time he headed Essex County Council. "I just don't believe it," the disgraced peer told our reporter. "I thought I'd gotten away with it. It's just not fair." We consulted a psychologist for his views; "Well it obvious he suffers from a psychological malaise that is becoming increasingly common amongst politicians of late - he can't tell the difference between his own money and everyone else's. Although not restricted to them by any means, it does seem to be a  particular problem for Tories who appear to regard stealing from poor people as some sort of right. Pension funds are a particular favourite at the moment though politicians don't seem adverse to picking people's pockets if the opportunity presents itself."

Unions Call For "Day of Action" on November 30th.

After Unions call for a "Day of Action" on November 30th the Tory Party has swung into a day of action of their own in order to annoy as many people as possible. "This will really upset people who don't like strikes," the Minister for Frightening Voters told us. "Some people might even find this inconveniences them - especially if they've still got jobs and their children still bother going to school. The unions have made a huge mistake by using this tactic and will quickly find that people simply don't support their vile attempts to protect them from us." Ed Milliband supported the Tory line; "Unions should not strike because that nice woman, Mrs.Thatcher, said they shouldn't. If this goes ahead they might bring down the Tory-led coalition and then Labour might have to take over. What the unions don't understand is that this will completely undermine our strategy of standing to one side while the Tories do all the nasty things and get the blame."

Nick Clegg Vs George Osbourne - No Score Draw.

In a suprise announcement today Nick Clegg had some commentators thinking he may have regained his sanity. Talking about the economy he suggested that "this is no time to sit on our hands" and do nothing to stimulate the economy. The Tory party immediately had an attack of the vapours at this Keynsian sneak attack and George Osbourne is reported to have had a seizure. What Clegg was suggesting is that major government contracts might be fast-tracked to provide the necessary economic jolt to restart the economy. Asked for his comments George Osbourne wiped the white dust from his upper lip and said; "Restart the economy? Why would we want to do that? A smaller economy is much easier to handle than a large complicated one and, with only a part-time government, that's about the only size we can handle at the moment. We take our pledge to diminish the size of government very seriously and shrinking the economy is an important first step in achieving this. The trouble with Clegg is that he still thinks he's in the LibDem party." Ed Milliband, when asked for his reaction, said; "Stimulate the economy? What a good idea - why didn't I think of that? Ed Balls said something similar recently but I didn't take much notice to be honest. Anyway who's this bloke Keynes?"

Footballer Denies Terrorist Involvement in 9/11

Nathan Eccleston, a striker for Liverpool FC, has claimed that terrorists were not responsible for 9/11 on Twitter. A spokesman for the club told "The News in Shorts."; "This is a storm in a teacup. OK, so Nathan claimed that terrorists didn't bring down the twin towers but, lets face it, being an intellectual isn't exactly a requirement to be a footballer. All they really need to know is which boot goes on which foot and they even have someone to help them with that. Being thick is no bar to a glittering career in football, in fact its actually regarded as a qualification." We asked the Minister for People Who Actually Think That Football is Important for his comment; "I've been following Nathan on Twitter and, I must say, he does put some very important points forward. Is it simply a coincidence that not one British Trade Union offcial was actually in the twin towers on 9/11 for instance?" We asked Nathan for his own comments and he told us; "It woz an inside job wunnit. There weren't no planes - the towers were brunged down by the CIA, innit?"

Trade Unions Bite Back

In an uncharacteristic show of defiance Trade Unions are balloting their members for strike action against the Tory-led coalition attempt to steal their pensions. A Tory spokesman told us; "This is outrageous, especially when we're pretending to have talks with them. That they should come out on strike to protect their member's interests and show us up for the mealy-mouthed, two-faced, liars we are is both baffling and extremely inconvenient. What's the matter with these people? Don't they understand that they have to make sacrifices in order for people like us to remain rich and be smug about it?" Ed Milliband was distraught when we interviewed him; "It's bleeding tragic," he told us. "Just when people were beginning to forget that the Labour party has anything to do with the trade unions, they drag it all up again. Why can't they just stay quiet while we sell out their interests? I have a public-sector pension and I'm not complaining." We asked Professor Rightleaning, a leading expert on pensions from Oxford University, for his opinion; "Pensions are designed to be stolen by governments. Indeed, one might say that's what they're for and actually constitute a new form of taxation in this country which might be categorized under the general heading of "outright theft." That aside, the unions have no right whatsoever to protect their members interests and should move aside so that the rich and unscrupulous can get on with the job of making Britain into country safe for fascism."

Tories Woo Women.

In a desperate attempt to try and get women onside the Tories have launched a "charm offensive." A Tory spokesman told us; "Women don't like us much since we've tried to destroy their children's education, ruin their future and starve them to death. All this is a bit of a puzzle but we've decided to meet this problem head on. The party has drawn up plans, therefore, to patronize them into submission. Plans include a revival of the Women's Institute, getting women out of the work place and back into the home where they belong and knitting and embroidery lessons." It's rumoured that Nick Clegg is contemplating a similar programme for the LibDems. "Nick is quite keen on the idea," a LibDem spokesman explained, "especially as his own wife won't be seen dead with him."

Minister Lies to Parliament.

In a Tory tour-de-force yesterday Chris Grayling, the Minister in charge of lying about unemployment figures told the house; "Unemployment remains lower than it was six months ago but clearly we must continue to focus our efforts on supporting business growth and ensure that people who do lose their jobs have the best possible support to get back into employment." This despite the fact that unemployment has actually risen by 2 million, efforts to support business actually means taxing rich people less and support for the unemployed consists of closing down jobcentres. "I must say," David Cameron told us beaming with pride, "that as a piece of outright lying it was second to none. I wished I was half as good." Eric Pickles, Minister for Counting the Bribes From Property Developers, was even more fulsome in his praise. "Bloody marvelous. If I could tell such outright porkies with a straight face people would believe I'm a male catalogue model." Ed Milliband was unavailable for comment as he had an appointment for a behind-the-bike-sheds punch up with trade unionists. However Ed Balls was willing to make a statement. "You have to hand it to them, the Tories are really, really good at lying to everyone and Chris Grayling has certainly come out of shell since he and his party seized power last year. Unemployment lower than last year? You have to have chutzpah to say things like that and look as if you believe it yourself."

Tuesday, 13 September 2011

James Murdoch Invited to Tell More Lies to MP's

Following his sell out tour of comedy workshops in London, James Murdoch has been invited back for a new gig at Westminster. "He was so entertaining last time," one MP told us, "we decided to book him again for our annual works party. His straight-faced delivery is absolutely hilarious. Unfortunately his father, the straight man of the act, is unavailable, but I'm sure James will be just as good on his own." Asked for his opinion John Cleese told "The News in Shorts"; "Personally I don't rate him. His delivery is good but I find his material a bit old hat. I'm glad to see his father won't be sharing the stage this time. He's well past his prime and ceased to be funny several years ago." The "Big Y'n," Billy Connerly was less impressed if anything. "Just sitting there telling lies and pretending you don't know anything about your own business isn't funny if you ask me. He could try and enliven it up a bit by swearing now and then, but I think he's had his day. That red-headed bint he had with him last time might make a comeback if she can get hold of the right material but she'll have to work on her timing - it was a bit off last time around." Andy Coulson, winner of last year's "Tory Scumbag of the Year Award" and runner-up in the "Btitain's Got Talent" competition told our reporter; "I'm trying to promote my career as a straight actor at the moment and want to leave the comedy circuit alone for a while. Anyway I've got a tentative offer for a long-running engagement at Wormwood Scrubs to think about." David Cameron, asked to comment on his former protege's stalling career, said; "Andy's last performance was a bit disappointing to be honest and we have no plans to book him again. Everyone deserves a second chance but his material will have to improve a lot before we see him at the Tory Conference again."

Taliban Launch New "Hearts and Minds" Campaign In Kabul.

In an attempt to bolster their flagging support, the Tiliban have decided to kill as many innocent people as they can in Kabul. The city, which is the capital of a large geographical area occupying the spaces between several real countries, has been shaken all day by gunfire and mortar rounds. "We feel that we have to get our point of view across," A Taliban spokesman told our reporter. "No one listens to us anymore after the head of our Public Relations Department, Osama Bin Laden, died unexpectedly this year. We've looked for a replacement, but, for some reason, there hasn't been many applications for the job. Nick Clegg, an obscure politician from England looking for his next job applied but, having looked into his background, we decided he was just too unpopular. We know we're in a battle for the hearts and minds of people and have decided that our best tactic is to seperate people from these two things."

Housing Market Continues Its Downward Spiral.

In a desperate attempt to deflect potential housebuyers from the truth, Estate Agents are still trying to blame the banks for falling house prices. "It's because first time buyers can't get mortgages," a spokesperson for the Association of Estate Agents in Denial whinned today. "If only they'd loosen up a bit and allow the subprime market to open again everything will be all right." A leading economist asked for his views told "The News in Shorts."; "The reason is because greedy Estate Agents, helped it must be said by greedy banks, deliberately pushed up house prices to increase their fees. As the bubble grew bigger they had no choice but to encouarge people who couldn't actually afford to buy over-priced houses to take on ever more ridiculous mortgages. Its not the lack of mortgages that is responsible for a fall in the market - its the insane prices these greedy sods are trying to get. They don't seem to understand that a market in which no one can afford to buy anything isn't a market at all."

British Economy Still Sinking Without Trace.

Inflation figures and balance of trade figures out today show conclusively that the British economy is foundering in a stormy sea far from shore. "We set sail of this adventurous course in 1979," David Cameron proudly claimed today. "Our ship may be a rusting old scow rather than the luxury liner Margaret Thatcher promised us and she might have sold all the lifeboats, but the Tory party remains convinced that she was right. If she hadn't have taken a principled stand against organised labour and destroyed the unions we would now be in an awful bind with wealthy peasants swanking around, spending their wages and boasting about low unemployment. The Tory party is rightfully proud that we put a stop to all that and handed over the future to the bunch of anti-democratic bloodsuckers who now run politics, finance and the media. The British voter, in turn, should be proud that he or she remains suicidally stupid despite all appeals to their common sense and the evidence of their own eyes." Ed Milliband commented; "I'm glad to see that New Labour's policy of betraying everything the old Labour stood for has finally begun to bear fruit. I'm proud to see that, no matter how bad things become, the unions have been emasculated to such an extent that strikes are a thing of the past. Britian must remain competative in world markets as these latest figures demonstrate. In the race to the bottom Britian will not be left behind."

Ed Milliband Tells Unions to Roll Over and Play Dead.

In a major speech at the TUC Conference Ed Milliband has told the unions that they should wag their tails when governments attack their member's insterests. He was heckled when he stated firmly that the unions should not strike over the destruction of public sector pensions. "There is no reason to strike," he lectured the packed conference. "I have a public sector pension and I'm all right jack. Your pensions might well be up for grabs but that's just tough luck. In fact you shouldn't strike for any reason whatsoever if that means that the Labour party has nasty things said about it in the Daily Mail. The most important thing is that Labour must win the next general election otherwise we won't be in power and get all those lovely government perks I know you want me to enjoy. And I promise you this - once I am in power I will lay out in precise detail why your pensions have to be stolen and why there is no alternative if the country is to be safe for all three branches of the Tory Party."

Liam Fox Defends Arms Dealers.

In a major speech today Liam Fox is expected to defend Britain's role in arming the world. "We should be proud of the various nasty bits of kit we're willing to sell to the world," he told our reporter ahead of the scheduled speech. "We should also be proud of our human rights record which means we never sell guns to children under the age of eight nor to regimes that lack the legitimacy of democratic support from their various thugs and body guards. Of course you cannot always get it right and we do sometimes sell our engines of death to the wrong people by accident. Sales to Colonel Gadaffi, for instance, were entirely due to our genuinely mistaken belief that he was a closet democrat who longed to free his people from the vile dictatorship he had inadvertantly set up. Of course bribery and corruption continues to be a problem but I personally only take backhanders when its absolutely necessary and I truly believe I can get away with it."

MP's Galvanised Into Action.

In an uncharacteristic call to arms MP's have today finally been provoked to righteous indignation. The reason for this? You've guessed it - the boundary changes. After a year of masterly inaction when it comes to the economy, the NHS and the banks - those things that matter to their constituents - our reprsentatives have finally scrambled into action to save themselves. "This goes to the very heart of our democracy," one MP told us, having looked up the word in a dictionary. "We are duly elected representatives and it cannot be right for us to be parted from our expense accounts in such a cavalier manner." "This is nothing short of gerrymandering," another told us after borrowing his colleague's dictionary. "It could mark the end of the coalition," he warned darkly. "Unless, of course, we get a really good golden handshake to assuage our distress and suitable training to teach us what a day's work actually is."

Monday, 12 September 2011

Clegg Heads Off LibDem Conference Revolt.

In a desperate attempt to head off a revolt at the LibDem conference to be held in Birmingham Nick Clegg has banned any vote on NHS reforms. All LibDem cabinet ministers must also clear anything they intend to say with the Tories first. "We can talk about the NHS," a leading LibDem told us, "but we can't reach any conclusions. Apparently our conference is now being orchestrated by the bloody Tories. It's nothing short of a coup d'etat." LibDem ministers have suddenly become difficult to locate but one told us unofficialy; "You have to see this from a coalition point of view. If we try to defend the NHS we will badly embarass our coaltion partners and, perhaps, bring the whole pontomime to an unscheduled and early end. This has to be avoided at all costs otherwise we'll all end up losing our perks. Under those circumstances the NHS is a goner I'm afraid."

Lack Of Action Over Banks Meets With Universal Approval.

George Osbourne's decision to do nothing about the banks until 2019 has been meet by a groundswell of support from across the political divide. "This is the most profound shake-up of the banking system since the last time we did nothing about it," an unidentified senior Labour MP told us after the Chancellor's speech. "If we can now galvanise the rest of the world into doing practically nothing then I think we can safely ignore the possibility of any future banking crisis until it happens." "This is why the coalition was formed," a leading LibDem added. "Without it there would be an ever-present danger that someone might take positive action and really upset the banks. Now we can breath a sigh of relief knowing that's unlikely to happen." A Tory spokesman told our reporter; "It makes you proud to be British. This is the spirit that won us such famous victories as the Somme, Dunkirk and Singapore and has made the Empire the resounding success it is today. Having tackled the banks I now firmly believe we can lay the foundations for a prosperous future - at least for some of us. I challenge the Trade Unions, who were responsible for the economic crisis in the first place, to disband immediately and remove themselves as a roadblock on the road to wealth and success."

Main Parties Cooperate To Do Nothing About The Banks.

All three major parties were in unusual concord today as Parliament debated George Osbourne's plan to put off doing anything about the banks for as long as possible. "Timing is of the essence," the Chancellor told a hushed house. "We musn't do anything precipitate or even effective. " Ed Balls was in full agreement; "We are eternally grateful to my right honourable colleague for not asking us to do anything when we win the next election. 2019 is an excellent year to tackle the banks since most of us here today will have retired by then on our ring-fenced pensions." Vince Cable was visibly pleased. "For a moment there I thought they might do what I've been calling for when I believed they were going to do nothing at all. Now they have said they'll do something I am relieved that no one will be able to blame me before I die." Bankers were predictably upset. "They promised us they'd kick this one into the long grass and its barely made it into the rough. This will cause great uncertainty in the banking world and we might well have to raise our charges to make us feel better."

George Osbourne a Coke Head According to Natalie Rowe.

A forner "friend" of George Osbourne has told the New Statesman that George Osbourne regularly snorted cocaine when he worked for William Hague. The Chancellor was unavailable for comment but a source close to him told us; "This is absolutely untrue - George hasn't taken cocaine for ages - well not this this last week anyway." A leading economist who's not rich enough to be a neocon commented. "This might account for his economic policy. Cocaine not only induces a sense of euphoria it also divorces you from reality - both features of the Chancellor's policy." Asked if this revelation might threaten his career, a LibDem spokesperson said; "I shouldn't think so. Many comedians take recreational drugs. However it might have an effect on his part-time career as a politician."

They've Done It Again! Lord Warwick Is Let Off Early.

In a startling sequel to the early release of Lord Hanningfield it has been revealed that Lord Taylor has also been released early. "We did it in the interests of balance," a government spokesperson said. "We released one white peer so it seemed only fair that we release a black one - even if they are both Tories. And then there's the question of how many black rioters we've imprisoned recently. As I'm sure people will understand one black peer is equal to several hundred black rioters so the balance is maintained. Any connection between these early releases of Tory peers and the passage of the NHS bill through the House of Lords is entirely coincidental and more than likely. I hope all this puts this particular issue to bed."

Household Budgets Will Be Squeezed For Next Ten Years.

In order to balance out the unaccountably long pause before banks are regulated in Britain, household budgets will be squeezed for even longer it was revealed today. "Unfortunately this is necessary," a Tory Party insider told us today, "because the banks were too big and strong to regulate before and are now suddenly too weak and fragile. Households, on the other hand, are much easier to pick on and are powerless to stop us putting our hands in their pockets. There is no alternative if we are to maintain a robust banking system - which is not to say that it is robust because, as I've already said, it's really poorly at the moment." Somewhat puzzled by these seeming contradictions we asked a leading economist for his observations; "Well it's all very complicated you see," he told us. "You have to regard the banking system in the same way that astronomers regard dark matter. No one understands what it is or what it does, but it has a profound influence on everything around it. Some astronomers believe that dark matter doesn't actually exist and therefore cannot explain anything just as some Tories don't believe that banks have any effect on the conomy.  Some astronomers invoke ever more esoteric quantum effects to explain what they see in the universe, whereas Tories simply invoke the Labour party. Now do you see?"

Lord Hanningfield Gets Away With It After All.

In a demonstration of how justice is skewed in favour of the privileged Lord Hanningfield, a Tory Peer, has been released from his nine month sentence for stealing £14,000 after a mere nine weeks. "We decided that he's been punished enough," a government spokesperson said. "After all its not as if he did something really awful like stealing a bottle of water. We believe that, in making an example of this peer of the realm, we have demonstrated how fair our justice system is - or at least persuaded the rest of you that it's fair. We expect that Lord Hanningfield, completely rehabilitated by his experience behind bars at the country health spa reserved for his class of criminal, will now take his place in the House of Lords again where he'll be able to lecture us all on the evils of crime and support government policy." Lord Hanningfield was unavailable for comment since he's come down with a serious case of sniggering.

Tories Tackle the Banks.

In the wake of the long awaited report on the banks George Osbourne has decided to kick reform into the long grass. "We have seen the report, which we commissioned, and we "agree" with every word of it. Unfortunately, owing to the wind and the rain, we've decided to put any action off until 2019. We have many reasons for this and I shall spend the rest of the week trying to come up with some." While Tory apologists lined up at the BBC to explain how marvelous this all is, the banks put on a convincing show of being horrified. "It's terrible," one banking spokesperson told "The News in Shorts"; "We know this report will probably never be implimented and our bonuses are safe but this might prompt us all to leave the country and live in some Godforsaken third world country where you can't get a decent cup of tea." David Cameron, visiting Russia to get tips on democracy from Premier Putin, commented; "Let this be a lesson to the banks. If they continue to behave as if they live in a casino using other people's money then we will almost certainly blame Labour."

Sunday, 11 September 2011

Lord Trefgarne's Blood Money.

Documents found in Libya show that Lord Trefgarne, a former Tory minister under Margaret Thatcher, asked Colonel Gadafi's son, Saif Gadafi,  to assist him to get £1 million in fees for his help in the early release of the Lockerbie bomber. "Fair's fair," Lord Trefgarne told our reporter. "One million is cheap when you consider how many people this terrorist killed and, anyway, it only just about covered my expenses which were inordinately large. It was a dirty job but some money grubbing scumbag had to do it and I just so happened to be that scumbag." Asked if there was anything so low he wouldn't do it if the money was right, Lord Trefgarne replied; "I don't think so. My family didn't obtain our exhaulted position in society without abandoning all normal morals. Anyway, I'm a Tory and, therefore, can undertake any dirty job as long as the price is right. Look at what this bunch of spivs in government are doing to the country in order to safeguard their own money. I'm certainly no worse than them."

Tory Assualt on Pensions.

On the BBC today Ian Duncan Smith told Andrew Marr that the people who do all the work in this country are retiring too early to keep bone idle people like him in luxury. "We've always said that Labour's timetable for raising pension age for the peasants is too slow. If it goes on like this I won't be able to retire to my country estate in France for at least another two years. Rich people like me who dodge paying taxes can't afford to sibsidise people in this country simply because they've worked hard all their lives and paid their taxes and national insurance. If it wasn't for my expense account I don't know how I'd be able to afford to lay down a decent wine cellar for my great grandchildren." David Cameron fully supported his Minister for Putting People Out of Work; "Ian is quite right - the timetable is far too slow. At this rate we won't get retirement age up to 90 for ordinary people before the end of this Parliament." George Osbourne, returning from his triumphant tour of northern comedy clubs, told the "News in Shorts.";  "There is no alternative - last Labour government and all that - competiveness on world markets etc. etc. You get the picture. Then there's the question of idle pensioners hanging around street corners wearing hoods and causing trouble. We have to get back to good old fashioned principles - work houses and suchlike."

Business As Usual For The Tories.

In a breathtaking piece of hypocrisy the Tory party has accepted "donations" from the subprime lender the Funding Corporation Group Ltd, headed by Tory fatcat Lord Edmiston, who regularly ask their victims to pay interest rates of 200%. The latest "donation" of £100,000 was made only days before Parliament is due to vote on legislation to curb subprime funding. "You can guess which way that vote will go," one Westminster insider told us. Asked to comment a Tory spokesperson said; "There's nothing wrong with taking bribes from people who already support your party. Lord Edmiston is a long-standing friend of the Tories and its only right that his opinion should be our guide when we vote on this matter next week. I know that people think we've been dragging our feet when it comes to laonsharking and now you know why. The Tory party is not in the business of telling people what interest rates they choose to pay when they're forced by poverty to borrow money for neccessities. We believe in the free market and the poor get the interest rate they deserve. It's their own fault for not being millionaires like me."