The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Wednesday 21 September 2011

Deficit Rises As Cuts "Begin To Work."

Once again quantum physics has come to the coalition government's rescue as the deficit in August was both higher than last August and proof positive that government cuts were working. George Osbourne, rumoured to be Chancellor of the Exchequer, told "The News in Shorts"; "The way we've been taxing the banks has distorted the figures," he told us. "It seems the more we tax the banks the more we have to borrow." Our reporter asked Dr. Socrates Pappandriokus, author of  "Greece: An Economic History and Other Romances" and Professor of Cruel and Unusual Economics at Cambridge University, for his views. "Well, we have uncovered some very wierd quantum effects in economics recently. Much of this has been due to strain put upon the fabric of time/space by the creation of the coalition. Thus we now find that taxing the rich returns less money, taxing ordinary people and throwing them out of work has no effect on final demand and now this - cuts in the budget actually increase borrowing. However it must be pointed out that this is merely a glitch in the remorseless downward pressure on borrowing. As the overall figure shows the coalition have managed to shave off £2 billion from Britain's national debt. That's almost enough to offset MP's pensions and equates to pocket change even in Pakistan - but it's a start. We economists believe that debt can be squeezed out of the system just in time for the Second Coming and will be achieved when we've driven the country back to the stone age." Asked for his take on this the head of the IMF, Count Vlad Tepesch,  commented "Tossers."

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