The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Monday 12 September 2011

Household Budgets Will Be Squeezed For Next Ten Years.

In order to balance out the unaccountably long pause before banks are regulated in Britain, household budgets will be squeezed for even longer it was revealed today. "Unfortunately this is necessary," a Tory Party insider told us today, "because the banks were too big and strong to regulate before and are now suddenly too weak and fragile. Households, on the other hand, are much easier to pick on and are powerless to stop us putting our hands in their pockets. There is no alternative if we are to maintain a robust banking system - which is not to say that it is robust because, as I've already said, it's really poorly at the moment." Somewhat puzzled by these seeming contradictions we asked a leading economist for his observations; "Well it's all very complicated you see," he told us. "You have to regard the banking system in the same way that astronomers regard dark matter. No one understands what it is or what it does, but it has a profound influence on everything around it. Some astronomers believe that dark matter doesn't actually exist and therefore cannot explain anything just as some Tories don't believe that banks have any effect on the conomy.  Some astronomers invoke ever more esoteric quantum effects to explain what they see in the universe, whereas Tories simply invoke the Labour party. Now do you see?"

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