The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Thursday, 30 June 2016

Boris Ducks Responsibility.

Like David Cameron before him Boris Johnson has now ducked responsibility for the disaster that Brexit represents. Like all Tories when the going gets tough they bug off to protect their own reputations. But let's get this straight from the very beginning, it was David Cameron, the worse bungler this country has ever known, who started this idiocy. He did so to shut up his back benchers and cabinet colleagues in his own party and assure his position as leader of the Tories. He has succeeded in doing neither. At the same time he has threatened the very existence of the United Kingdom and of its economic well-being. Now, in true Tory style, Boris Johnson has ducked his responsibility in all this. Having thrown his weight into the Brexit campaign with his eye on the top job he has failed to secure that for himself. Two men, once friends, now united again in abject failure. Neither of them, despite their assurances, have the stomach for invoking Article 50 or for what will come afterwards. They have failed the country which has been sacrificed on the altar of their egos and ambition and don't have the courage to pick up the pieces. Now it will be left to either Theresa May, who doesn't believe in Brexit and voted to remain or Michael Gove who thinks that the problems of education in Britain can be solved by privatisation and sending each school a copy of the King James Bible (printed in Germany). The blame for what follows will sit squarely with the Tories though, without doubt, the Murdoch press is already cooking up stories to place the blame for this mess at Jeremy Corbyn's door.

Wednesday, 29 June 2016

Disappointed Brexit Voters.

Nearly a week after the triumphant Brexit campaign many Leave voters have been voicing their disappointment. "I just understand why it's not 1959 again," one voter told our reporter. "Why have all these black, brown and eastern European people not left already?" Another asked, "Where is Margaret Thatcher or, better still, Winston Churchill? Once they return from the grave we'll show these Johnny Foreigners what's for. Have they been deliberately hidden away from us by Parliamentary Remain campaigners? Without them how will we ever mount another D-Day invasion of the Continent to save the miserable people of Europe from themselves?" Meanwhile desperate Remain voters have been tossing bottles into the Channel (now definitely the English Channel once more) begging for help. The messages seem to be more or less the same; "Help! I am trapped on a cold rainy and windswept island in the North Atlantic where 52% of the population are clinically insane and government is non-existent." Still, the latest round of news should cheer them up as George Osborne, the only Tory politician still working it seems, plans to raise taxes (for working people, not the hard-pressed rich) and announces that the NHS is no longer affordable and spending on it must be cut as soon as possible. In further good news for Leave voters the EU has just announced that British banks will no longer be able to trade in Europe along with all other service industries in what was once the UK. As Nigel Farage said only a couple of days ago, "You're not laughing now are you?"

Monday, 27 June 2016

Angela Merkel Says "Nein"

Boris Johnson, following his triumph on the cricket field this weekend, finally came up with an EU exit plan today. He would saunter over to Europe when he felt like it, tell the EU what he wants and then watch as Johnny Foreigner falls to his knees and begs him to accept everything he wants. With full access to the single market Britain would have to pay nothing to the EU while the free movement of people across Europe would be a thing of the past. And, if this didn't come to pass, then Boris could saunter back to Britain with Article 50 safely put away in a box until he does get what he wants. "Give me what I want or I won't invoke Article 50 and leave you dangling." Unfortunately Boris didn't count on Johnny Foreigner, or rather Angela Merkel, being rather more clever that the average British voter. She has said "Nein". There will be no negotiations before Article 50 is invoked and, if Britain wants access to the single market, it will have to contribute money for the privilege and accept the free movement of people. In other words we will have all the "disadvantages" of EU membership without, at the same time, having any voice. Now where did we hear that before? Oh yes, that's right, it was voiced by the Remain campaign. So none of the advantages promised by the Leave Campaign but all of the disadvantages pointed out by the Remain Campaign. So where is our "strong" negotiating position now? Like most things about the Leave Campaign it now proves to have been an illusion.

Article 50: Who Will Push The Button?

So who will push the button and invoke Article 50? Not David Cameron obviously since he's resigning and has left it to the Brexiters. So it's down to Boris isn't it? Except that Boris is not keen to do so. Nor is Michael Gove who has decided to take a back seat and push Boris into the hot seat. So what's going on? Leadership of the Tory party is now toxic while the man who pushes the button will have to take responsibility for what comes next. Boris' solution is to negotiate a deal with the EU which will basically make no changes to the UK's position - a Brexit with no Brexit in it. The only ones urging that something must now happen are those who have absolutely no intention of taking responsibility for it like Nigel Farage and Liam Fox. It's easy to urge action when its not you who has to go over the top and capture no man's land. All that is clear is that the Tory party's civil war over the EU has spilled out into the country at large and they have led us into a blind ally with no exits, including exit from the EU, in sight. The UK is in imminent danger of ceasing to exist as Scotland now looks set to leave and with Northern Ireland also in danger of following suit. The economy is continuing its slide towards oblivion with more money being lost on the stock exchange in three days than the UK would give to the EU in 20 years. The Pound is also sliding remorselessly downwards against every currency in the world. Meanwhile thugs are appearing on streets throughout the country yelling at any foreigner they can find, "We won, now get out of our country". This is not simply a political crisis, it is also an economic and social crisis and the genie is well and truly out of the bottle. Whether we leave the EU or not there is no going back. Britain has now seen itself in the mirror and the reflected image is not a pretty one. Bigoted, isolated and increasingly irrelevant in world terms where do we go from here?

Sunday, 26 June 2016

The Political Vacuum.

So where is everyone? Since the EU referendum the Tory party, both leavers and remainers, have literally gone to earth and cannot be found with radar. Where is the leadership? Where are David Cameron and George Osborne? Where are Boris Johnson and Michael Gove? Nigel Farage is still in evidence trying to hide the fact that two years ago he was demanding that if the referendum was too close, 52% to 48% say, and he was on the losing side then another referendum should be held. Perhaps they hope that the so-called coup against Jeremy Corbyn, a story that the right-wing press is clinging to with desperation, might deflect attention from the utter mess the Tory party has left the country in. Then there is the elephant in the room. The UK is a representative democracy and not a direct democracy. Referendums are advisory only and have no binding legal force. Parliament is sovereign and it can overturn the utter folly of the UK leaving the EU. But for that we need leadership and a Parliament with a spine instead of a Parliament with nothing more than MP's addicted to filling their pockets with expenses and hiding their money in offshore accounts. The Leave campaign has now been exposed as a catalogue of lies, evasions and deceptions. There will be no extra money for the NHS, immigration will not be curbed and the free movement of people across Europe is to be retained. Nothing they promised will come about, so why should these snakeoil salesmen we allowed to reap the benefits of their confidence trick?

Saturday, 25 June 2016

The Leave Campaigners Lied To You.

Conservative MEP and Leave supporter Daniel Hannan: “Frankly, if people watching think that they have voted and there is now going to be zero immigration from the EU, they are going to be disappointed.” Conservative MP and Leave Supporter Andrew Bridgen: "Well it (spending £350 million a week on the NHS) needed caveating. Er, £350 million is the amount of money that we do have to owe the EU every week. I think we've committed to £100 million per week (to go to the NHS). So there will be no end to immigration from Eastern Europe or anywhere else for that matter, though it is absolutely certain that, unless you are a banker or football player, your right to work anywhere in Europe has just been removed. Your jobs are not safe, wages will not suddenly increase and the NHS and schools will be under just as much pressure from immigration as they were before Brexit. Not to worry though, think of all that lovely dosh spent on the EU that can now be spent on the NHS. £350 million a week wasn't it? Well no because, as Andrew Bridgen has now tacitly admitted, after our rebate the figure was actually £250 million (that's about £4 per week per head of the British population). Now the Leave Campaign are pledging £100 million to the NHS (don't hold your breath). So where will the other £150 million per week go? In tax cuts for the Tories and their wealthy backers. Get the picture? Yes they lied to you so that they can get their hands on biggest share of the "savings" from the EU and put it into their tax-free, off-shore accounts. Congratulations you have just been robbed by the best conmen in the business - the Tory party, stealing your money in order to save you from greed.

Friday, 24 June 2016

Etonian Idiot Makes Way For Etonian Buffoon.

While other Tory morons have been blaming the Labour party and Jeremy Corbyn for losing the EU referendum the real culprit, David Cameron, has just announced his intention to stand down as Prime Minister. This utter fool has not only divided the country almost neatly down the middle and laid the foundation for the disintegration of the UK, he has also managed to make his own position completely untenable. How did it come to this? Cameron called for this referendum in order to shut up the other boneheads in his own party and assure his position as head of the Tories. Now the boneheads have won and the bonehead-in-chief has lost his job. Nothing loath the Tory boneheads will now elect an even bigger bonehead to lead them - Boris Johnson. The Tory party cannot address the real problems that have led the British public to reject the EU because they are the problem. This referendum has turned out to be a vote against government - any government - rather than against the EU. The people unable to stop themselves from voting the worst possible people into power have now rejected the only people who stood between them and unfettered Toryism. Will £350 million a week now pour into the NHS? No, because we were not paying out £350 million per week to the EU and whatever we save from contributions to the EU the Tories will now pocket by rewarding themselves yet another tax cut. Will immigration now stop completely? No, it didn't in the 1950's and 60's before the UK joined the Common Market and it won't now. How else can the Tories punish us for having the nerve to exist and keep wages low without immigration? Will Brussels now stop telling us what to do? Yes, and now we can swop faceless bureaucrats there for faceless Tory donors here in Britain. Will the Tories now rip up the Convention of Human Rights? You bet your life they will and our human rights will now shrink until they disappear completely. The bonehead-in-chief has died, long live the next bonehead.

Britain Votes For National Extinction.

Britain has voted for Brexit - so what next? To begin with it is important to know that we have just handed ourselves over to the likes of Boris Johnson, Chris Grayling, Michael Gove and Iain Duncan Smith - some of the most rapacious, selfish, greedy and vicious Tories ever to crawl from under a rock. These are the kind of people who will now rewrite our Human Rights legislation which will be one of the shortest documents ever written by a British government. These are the people who will be looking after the NHS, inasmuch as they will be looking after their own interests while they flog it off to their rich mates. These are the people who will be in charge of our economy which will be soon only be a part-time job since there won't be much for them to concern themselves with. These will be the people who will oversee the dissolution of the UK as Northern Ireland and Scotland cut their ties to Little England as it sinks into irrelevancy. In the great tradition of English stupidity the country has voted for national extinction as they sit in the rain unable to afford holidays abroad, shouting "Yah-boo" at Johnny Foreigner as they watch a bunch of right-wing Tories steal everything in Britain that isn't nailed down. Congratulations turkeys for voting for Christmas.