The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Thursday, 31 October 2013

Coaltion In A Spin.

Francis Maude has been defending the spending of £7.2 million in taxpayers money by the Coalition on spin doctors this year alone. "It's very difficult for us to present our most vicious and nasty policies as reasonable, especially when we have to deal with namby-pamby Lib Dems and the lefty press such as the Daily Mail. We've found that murdering pensioners this winter is a particularly difficult policy to sell when Ed Milliband, for some reason, wants to save them. What can you do with such unreasonable opposition to our logical and perfectly humanitarian policies? Then there's the vexed question of doing nothing whatsoever. You have no idea how difficult it is to do nothing and then pretend that we've taken decisive action. This has been particularly difficult when it comes to closing tax loopholes where we've made magnificent and masterly efforts to do avoid doing anything at all. But the real difficulty is staying on message. We are spending millions on spin doctors to sit under desks in TV studios whispering "It's all Labour's fault" while ministers struggle to avoid answering any and all questions posed by commentators. I've got one under my desk at the moment - which reminds me - spin doctors were invented by Labour you know and this is all the fault of the last government."

Tuesday, 29 October 2013

Osborne Fails To Close Tax Loopholes Again.

George Osborne, the world's worst financial expert, has again conveniently failed to close yet another tax loophole. His apparent bid to raise £3.2 billion by way of a tax levy on Swiss bank accounts has brought in only £443 million as the tax avoiders, given ample warning by Osborne himself, have moved their stolen fortunes to other tax havens. Many of these other tax havens, such as Belize, Jersey and Bermuda, are British-run one way or the other and are, therefore, completely beyond the reach of the British government. George Osborne is said to be utterly devastated by this unfortunate turn of events and has been heard to explain that it all happened because tax avoiders are just too clever for him and have the uncanny ability to anticipate his every move after he tells them what he's going to do. "Their intelligence network is very sophisticated," he told our reporter. "Many of them own television sets and watch the BBC on a regular basis especially when I am bellowing my intentions from the rooftops. I've even moved my own fortune to another tax haven after I accidentally tipped myself of. It's all very disheartening." We asked a tax avoider who recently moved his own fortune out of Switzerland for his view; "It was a narrow escape I can tell you. If George hadn't broadcast his policy well in advance I might have been caught out. Fortunately, like many of my rich pals, I'm not stone deaf and can take a hint when I hear one. I just feel sorry for all the little people who failed to have rich ancestors and who can't move their fortunes about because they haven't got one to move."

Energy Companies Defend Exploitation Of The Poor.

A survey published by the Children's Society has found that there over 3 million children growing up in poverty in this country and of those more than half are living in homes that are too cold and too damp. These figures, it is generally conceded, are set to rise as the government's policy of impoverishing more people year on year gathers pace. It is deliberate, it is intended and it is based not on any real need for austerity but on sheer spite. Since the Tories, with help from a supine and opportunistic Lib Dem party, instituted their policy of unlimited rewards for themselves and austerity for everyone else they have managed to more than double the national debt. But they are not alone in this vicious and entirely needless campaign. The energy companies are just as eager, it would seem, to pauperise the already poor though, in their case, the motive is not ideological but sheer greed. The figures speak for themselves since, over the last year, wholesale energy prices have risen by a mere 1.7% while the "Big Six" energy companies have more than doubled the profit they take out of each household from £45 to £95. Stephen Fitzpatrick, managing director of Ovo Energy one of the smaller energy companies, told MP's that he couldn't explain why the "Big Six" energy companies had put their prices up year after year since his own company was paying less for gas now than it was in 2009. He then added; “We're all trying to track down where this money is going. But you will never find it - these guys are the best filibusters in the business.” In other words he was accusing them of being crooks and, as as the evidence shows quite plainly, he is absolutely right.

Sunday, 27 October 2013

Who, Exactly, Is Grant Shapps?

Grant Shapps, certainly the oiliest Tory amongst a pretty oily bunch, has been making coded threats today aimed at the BBC. The reason for this is fairly straightforward - the Tories want the BBC to keep their opinions to themselves in the run up to the next election. The Tories have done some pretty despicable things in the last three years and intend to do a few more before 2015 but they don't want anybody to know about them. "The BBC," Shapps said, "faces cuts unless they rebuild public trust." Which of course is code for "The BBC faces cuts if they badmouth us and we win the next election." The idea that Grant Shapps should lecture anyone on "rebuilding trust" is pretty rich considering his own rather murky past. It would seem that Mr.Shapps uses another identity when visiting the United States where he poses as a web advertising expert under the name Mike Green. His reasons for doing this are somewhat obscure but seem to have something to do with the fact that he doesn't want anyone in this country to know about his rather dubious business practices. One thing is known, however, and that is that his network of websites have been blocked on Google for "breaching its rules on copyright infringement and encouraging customers to plagiarise content." The Tory party has issued a statement that Shapps "no longer has any involvement" in the business. That is technically true since Shapps transferred ownership of his business interests to his wife Belinda who, apart from being married to him, has absolutely no connection with him at all. All this would be mildly amusing if it wasn't for the fact that this crook is the Tory party chairman and is in charge of their re-election strategy. Little wonder then that he's so keen to gag the BBC and hide from the electorate the rotten heart of the Tory party.

MP's Treat Themselves To Christmas Goodies.

Our parliamentary representatives have decided to give themselves a nice Chrissy present this year and refurbish their gym at the modest cost of only £250,000. MP's such as Eric Pickles can now honour their new year resolutions to lose weight in the kind of luxurious surroundings they've become accustomed to. "I can't see what all the fuss is about," a Parliamentary spokesman told our reporter. "Nearly everyone I know has access to a gym at work and what's a few hundred thousand pounds between friends? We need somewhere to burn off all those excess calories we consume in our taxpayers-funded bars and restaurants. We are leading by example by keeping ourselves in tip-top physical condition as anyone can see." We asked the same spokesman about the £75,000 Parliament plans to spend on Christmas decorations this year, up by 100% since 2012. "It's traditional isn't it. The fact that none of us will be here between October and March is neither here nor there. Parliament is a beacon to the world and the Christmas message, charity and goodwill to all men except the unemployed, useless cripples, surplus pensioners and Northerners, is important. The doubling of the price is all down to the worldwide hikes in Christmas tree and decoration wholesale prices that are completely beyond our control. I for one think that the executives in charge of the Christmas tree corporations thoroughly deserve their bonuses. Christmas comes only once a year after all." Intrigued we asked if some of that money might not have been better spent on helping the elderly and poor to afford heating this winter. "That's sounds suspiciously like socialism to me. If we did that the reds would be crawling out from under the beds all over the country and where would we be then? The poor and the elderly have a patriotic duty to freeze this winter to protect this country from the red menace that is emanating from hotbeds of left-wing thought such as Europe, UKIP and the English Defence League."

Saturday, 26 October 2013

Banks Pocket Billions From Royal Mail Sell Off.

Vince Cable, pictured above with the new £10 stamp, has been defending the obvious scam that he's helped foist off on the British public over the sale of Royal Mail. "This is about more than just the level of proceeds received on day one," he told reporters without explaining what the hell that is supposed to mean. The truth is that shares in Royal Mail were sold for less than a third of their true worth and handed over publicly-owned assets worth at least £10 billion for a measly £3.3 billion. It was certainly the crime of the century - especially for the banks who "advised" the government during the sale. It was they who determined what price that the shares should go for and it was they, having picked up a nice little £17 million fee for their "advice", that greedily gobbled up most of the shares available at the knock-down price. According to the "Guardian" the banks have "strongly denied any of the banks would directly profit from the being allocated shares" since the shares had been "bought to help make money on behalf of clients in the asset management divisions". The fact that these "clients" were mainly hedge funds owned by those same banks is, apparently, neither here nor there. The government, it would seem, has not gone to any great lengths to obscure this obvious fraud but, then again, they don't have to. Such a theft of publicly-owned assets is perfectly legal according to the laws they have framed for their own convenience while the dubious morality of such a thing is hardly of great concern to such an accomplished bunch of crooks, spivs and conmen. As usual, though, it is the British public who will lose and who will lose even more as mail services are cut to the bone, wages for mail workers are slashed and prices climb ever higher to feed the insatiable greed of executives, shareholders and, of course, the banks.

Cameron Urges Us To Keep His Mates Rich.

David Cameron, shown above keeping warm this winter, has urged us all to keep our homes nice and cosy warm until next spring. "No one should be afraid to heat their home this winter," he told our reporter in an exclusive interview for the News in Shorts. "I advise people to heat one room at a time and wrap up in as many jumpers as they can." We asked the Prime Minister about the cost and the fact that many people simply can't afford to use their heating. "I'm very sympathetic, as you would expect from a warm-hearted Tory like me, but such people have to think about the wider picture. If they don't use their heating how will my mates at the energy companies pay their bonuses this year? Not burning gas and electricity this winter is positively unpatriotic if you ask me." We next asked why he refuses to stand up to the energy companies. "I often do, proposing toasts to them at the various nosh-ups they give as part of their "lobbying" activities. I've told them straight that they can't keep putting prices up unless they push some of it our way in the form of "donations" and, I must say, this system seems to be working quite satisfactorily." Encouraged by the PM's candour so far in the interview we next asked about the danger that many old people will die from the cold this winter. "I don't know any old people facing that danger this winter, do you?" he asked us in return. "I think the danger has been grossly exaggerated. I know one little old lady - I won't say who - who lives in several 200 bedroomed properties and she seems to have no problem paying her heating bills even though she has several Corgis to feed. Now I know that there are a few old codgers who used to be in what we called "the working class" but they are a vanishing minority and we are confident that long before the election in 1915 they'll be completely extinct. But I'm not an unrealistic or harsh man and I suggest they dig out their old mink coats, fox fur stoles and fur-lined riding boots to keep warm. Or perhaps they should do what I do and go to their villas in the south of France or Spain for the winter. Look at me. I'm not rich - I'm down to my last £10 million - and I'm not worried."

Tuesday, 22 October 2013

Bedroom Tax Funding Tax Loophole For Tory Party Donators.

David Cameron is to be quizzed by Parliament as to why he has failed completely to close a £500 million tax loophole that benefits corporate contributors to the Tory party. Essentially the loophole allows companies, especially those awarded lucrative government contracts, to borrow from themselves and avoid tax by declaring themselves to be in debt. Given the criminal instincts of the Tory party this is hardly surprising nor is the fact that the bedroom tax imposed on the poor almost exactly matches the revenue lost because of the loophole. The poor are in fact subsidising corporate bloodsuckers who then return the favour to the Tory party with "donations." Just another means of laundering public money through private companies and into Tory party coffers then. The Tories are defending this nice little fraud by claiming that tax receipts have increased this year by 7%. This happens to be true but only because the people who are benefitting from the loophole put off paying themselves their "bonuses" from 2012 to avoid paying tax at 50p and to take advantage of the new tax rate of 45p. Heads they win, tails we lose. Even John Major, the last leader of the Tory party to actually win an election, is so shocked at the criminals who have taken over his party that he is now firing warning shots across Cameron's pointy end. The truth is that Cameron and his fellow conmen and spivs have crossed a Rubicon, the divide between legitimate political ideology and organised crime, between genuine differences in economic opinion and naked self-interest.

Tories Contemplate The Cost Of Killing Pensioners.

A debate seems to have broken out amongst Tories as to how many pensioners they can allow to die this winter before they have to pay a political price. For the likes of Cameron, Osborne, IDS, and Gove the answer is simple - as many as it takes to cut their tax bill. For old-style Tories like John Major the question is quite different. Is a government responsible for the welfare of the electorate as a whole, only some of them or does it have no responsibility at all? As John Major said quite plainly today Cameron is not a third world dictator like Assad - he is the Prime Minister of Britain and he should behave like it. Tory or not a government should be acting in the interests of the people who pay their wages, not the energy companies in return for backhanders and certainly not in the interests of the Chinese and French. Advice to spend all of our spare time studying the energy market to get a "better deal" is not good enough and telling us to "put on a jumper" is plain insulting. Even more insulting is the news that the British taxpayer will underwrite the new nuclear power plants with no guarantee that they will get lower prices in return. As usual in this new "heads we win, tails you lose" capitalism, the debts will be nationalised while the profits will be privatised. Cameron is now between a rock and a hard place and is visibly paralysed by his inability to behave like a proper leader and take backhanders from his crooked mates at the same time. He stands exposed for the self-interested spiv that he always was and it took a Tory, John Major, to drive this truth home in a way that the British electorate can understand. What will Cameron do about the wholesale fraud of the energy companies when the answer "nothing" is no longer good enough? The answer is actually quite obvious - renationalise the energy industry without compensation to those who would let people die to increase the blood money they have the nerve to call "profits".

Monday, 21 October 2013

MP's Put Differences Aside To Defend Their Right To Plunder The Public Purse.

MP's from all parties serving on the Commons Lack Of Standards Committee have put aside their arguments as to whether it is moral to freeze pensioners to death this winter in order to defend their right to steal public money. The Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority (Ipsa)has ruled that claiming for such expenses as food, tea and biscuits, hotel accommodation, taxi fares, content insurance for a second home and a TV for their second home plus an 11% pay rise is a bit much. The MP's on the committee, however, are howling with indignation at this attack on their living standards. "Falling living standards are for the plebs only," one of the committee told our reporter. "How can we demonstrate our innate superiority over the mugs who pay our wages if we can't maintain our wealth at their expense? That's what Parliament is for - to provide the necessary democratic legitimacy for us to shove our snouts in the trough. What good is democracy if it can't provide a bunch of bone idle over-educated scroungers with a free lunch or three? I mean, what self respecting banking executive wouldn't book himself into a five star hotel less than 100 yards from his second home bought by the taxpayer if he didn't get the chance?" We asked a government spokesman for the coalition's view; "It's nothing to do with us mate. We have absolutely no control over what we decide to glum out of the public purse. That's what committees are for - to provide the necessary democratic legitimacy for us to shove our snouts in the trough without having to worry about what the plebs - sorry, the electorate - think."

Sunday, 20 October 2013

Nick Clegg And The Gentle Art Of Betrayal.

Nick Clegg is getting desperate these days as the general election in 2015 draws ever closer. Having utterly betrayed those who voted for him and his party, having betrayed every principle that his party is supposed to stand for, having betrayed the country, he is now positioning himself to betray his coalition partners. His attack on Michael Gove's education policy, after years of supporting it, is nothing more than opportunism - a feeble excuse to distance himself from the crimes of this government before he's called to account at the ballot box. Cameron has expressed his "surprise" at this sudden move but it is hard to understand why. Clegg is a weasel and is behaving as weasels do. Cameron should understand this since he is weasel too and, like Clegg, will countenance any measure that protects his wealth and privilege especially if someone else has to pay for it. Gove's policy in terms of independent academies was always bound to fail since it allowed education to be placed into the hands of any untrained swivel-eyed loon with an axe to grind. Clegg knew this but supported it anyway. The scandal over the Al-Madinah free school in Derby and others like it was bound to surface sooner or later and Clegg must have known this too. For his part Gove is only interested in lowering his tax bill and wouldn't give a damn about education even if the Taliban themselves were opening schools in the North of England. There is, however, a silver lining in this particular cloud since we can now all sit back and watch the fun as the pack of rats forming our present government turn on one another instead of us.

Saturday, 19 October 2013

Tories Welcome Their Dickensian Vision For Britain.

The Dickensian future that the Tories plan for Britain took a huge step forward today as 5,800 people were summoned by Southwark council for not being able to pay their council tax now that support for the unemployed and low paid has been cut. Some of them were unemployed, though many more have jobs that pay barely enough to keep body and soul together. These people, who's only crime is that they are poor, are now facing fines and court costs that they can't pay either. Essentially what we are now witnessing is the 21st century version of the poor laws in a retrograde step that is calculated by this evil government to punish the poor simply for being poor. And this is but the tip of a very dirty iceberg with at least 157,000 people already summoned across the country with absolutely no guarantee that many of these people won't find themselves in prison. Meanwhile Durham University has conducted a study of loan companies and come to the conclusion that they are "preying on the poor." Though the study should be praised for offering objective proof that this is the case anyone with more than two working brain cells (not including Tories obviously) could have reached the same conclusion. Essentially the unholy alliance between the finance industry and the Tory party are conspiring together to create a new economic underclass, unemployed or not, that they can take advantage of and punish at the same time. This is not only disgusting it is evil pure and simple and the essential feature of the new "caring" Tory party as advertised by Cameron and the other spivs, conmen and fraudsters in the cabinet.

Does Cameron Support Wearing Jumpers Or Not?

Downing Street was in disarray tonight as Cameron struggled to make up his mind over the vexed question of wearing jumpers at home this winter in order to stay warm. The problems began when Ed Davey, the Energy Secretary, advised people to wrap up warm this winter because he and the rest of the government are too cowardly to stand up to the energy companies. When asked for a comment on this No10 at first suggested that this was good advice and then backtracked when it realised that the electorate might cotton on to the fact that the government doesn't care whether they freeze or not this winter. "It is entirely false to suggest the prime minister would advise people they should wear jumpers to stay warm," a spokesman told reporters. So is he suggesting that we shouldn't and take our chances? Not so, the spokesman insisted, David Cameron wouldn't tell people what to wear at home but then added; "If people are giving that advice it is something they may wish to consider." We asked Tory headquarters for a clearer statement on this important question; "People should switch suppliers if they have the necessary expertise to navigate the labyrinthine tariffs that the energy companies use to confuse their customers. They can fix the prices they pay for up to three years, something that is a good idea if the energy companies suggest it but a bad idea if Ed Miliband suggests it. We also suggest that people should spend all of their spare time studying the energy market as any sensible person would when exposed to market forces so they can make an informed guess at which supplier to use. As for wearing jumpers at home we think this is a good idea since that might help to keep old and useless people from cluttering up our hospitals and thus enable us to award ourselves a nice tax cut next spring. This is a time for people to be less selfish and give up their comfort for the greater good of energy company executives, shareholders and rich people like me."

Friday, 18 October 2013

Tories Welcome Return Of Absolute Poverty To Britain.

The Tories have welcomed the return of absolute poverty to Britain after an absence of nearly 100 years. Absolute poverty means that there are people in this country without access to the basic necessities of life - food, shelter and warmth. These are not people suffering from relative poverty, not being able to afford the luxuries that most other people enjoy, but the sort of grinding poverty not seen since Victoria sat on the throne. We asked a Tory party spokesman how this could happen in one of the richest countries in the world in the early 21st century; "It wasn't easy. First we had to wait until a really nasty recession happened so we could sell the idea of belt-tightening to the plebs. Then we had to dress it up with nonsense phrases such as "There's no alternative", "We're all in this together" and "The Big Society." Fortunately the British electorate are so stupid that we also managed to sneak through such wonderful 19th century concepts as slum landlords, work houses for the poor and slavery at the same time. I have to say we wouldn't have been able to achieve this level of success without the valuable assistance of the Nick Clegg and the Lib Dems whose political opportunism has impressed even us. Now if we can get rid of those bloody food banks and embarrassing Red Cross food parcels we might get the chance to reintroduce another Tory 19th century favourite - widespread malnourishment. I'm afraid that our other aspiration, a return to trench warfare, is probably beyond our reach at present but, if we win a majority in 1915 - sorry I meant 2015 - then we might just get the full set. These are the good solid Victorian values that we can all look forward to."

Wednesday, 16 October 2013

Tories Impoverish Britain To Sustain Their Property Values.

In the past year the number of people forced to use food banks in order to simply survive has tripled while wages across the board (except for the top1%) have fallen by 2%. The NHS is in crisis, Royal Mail has been stolen and fenced through the greedy and stupid to a gang of international crooks, employment is becoming predominantly part-time much of it resting on zero hour contracts, the elderly are being deliberately placed in danger of hyperthermia this winter to feed the greed and avarice of energy companies and the sick and unemployed are being branded as scroungers with no right of appeal. This is the picture of Britain today under the leadership of David Cameron and his Tory cronies and they are convinced that this catalogue of evil will win them the next general election. Nor do they offer any hope for the future, content to tell us all that austerity for us and unlimited rewards for themselves will continue for the foreseeable future. The way they are selling this is to tell us that we deserve it and that we should take our punishment in order to protect our credit rating (which has already failed) and to reduce the national debt (which they have doubled in the last three years). Yet there must be some underlying reason for this madness other than the threadbare and insane reasons put forward by the Cameron and Osborne. The answer to this riddle lies in the housing market and property values. Osborne has moved heaven and earth to "get the market moving" as he puts it. Moving? Why would anyone in their right mind want to get an over-valued and unsustainable market "moving" again? Why is inflation in any other commodity bad while inflation in the property market is good? It benefits only two sorts of people. The already too wealthy who own several properties and the those who make a living by snatching as much out of other people's pockets through charging high rents for substandard housing. In other words the whole country is being sacrificed for Tories such as Cameron and Osborne who have a substantial proportion of their wealth invested in various properties and Tory voters with substantial investments in the buy-to-rent sector. We are being asked to die so they can live, we are being asked to give up our future so they can stash as much money into offshore bank accounts as they get their sticky fingers on. It is a policy of the greedy, the selfish and the downright evil - it is Toryism red in tooth and claw, the survival of the nastiest and least deserving. It is nothing short of treasonous.

Monday, 14 October 2013

Osborne Panic Over Chinese Handbag Purchases.

George Osborne has been busy in Beijing flogging off as many British assets as he can get his hands on in a panicked attempt to save his economic policy. So far he's managed to sell Manchester Airport and the British nuclear industry but the centre-piece of his outstanding sales campaign has been the relaxing of visa regulations for rich Chinese tourists. Boris Johnson has defended this wholesale plunder of British assets and future energy security by pointing out that Harry Potter had a Chinese girlfriend. So that's all right then. However, the spur for this frenzied selling is even more comical. It was apparently sparked off when Ministers were alarmed to find that rich Chinese tourists were buying vastly more expensive handbags in Paris rather than in London. This, they saw at once, was an intolerable situation and one that had to be countered at all costs. We asked a spokesman for the government's view; "It's the bloody French again, swanning around the world and boasting about how many handbags they've sold to the bloody Chinks. Flogging off Manchester Airport and putting the future of nuclear energy into the hands of the Chinks is small price to pay if we can stick it to the bloody French. It's about time we reminded our oldest enemy about Crecy, Agincourt, Trafalgar and Waterloo. When a Chinese businessman hands over an expensive handbag to his bit on the side we should make sure it was purchased in London or, if he finds himself inadvertently stranded there, in Birmingham or Manchester. As Old Georgey told the Chinks yesterday, "I don't want us to try to resist your economic progress, I want Britain to siphon some of it off." I just hope they're as gullible as the British electorate."

Saturday, 12 October 2013

Tax Breaks For The Rich Bears Fruit.

The Tories are celebrating today as their tax breaks for the wealthy begin to work as they intended. Since Cameron seized power in 2010 the amount of tax avoided by corporations has risen by a staggering £35 billion. Having worked so hard to avoid paying the top rate of tax when set at 50p they are now working just as hard to avoid it at 45p. We asked the Prime Minister for his reaction; "I know, it's terrible isn't it? But what can you do? No matter how much we talk about it we simply can't close the tax loopholes. I asked George Osborne to look into it and he said that its all too complicated for us. The danger is, of course, that if we do close the loopholes then the corporations will stop handing us the bribes we need to stay in existence. You can see our dilemma. Close the loopholes in the best interests of the country, or leave them alone in the best interests of me and the party. As Prime Minister I've become used to making hard decisions, especially when I don't have to suffer the consequences, and I've decided to bite the bullet on this by doing nothing whatsoever. The people of this country shouldn't worry however because we already have plans in the pipeline to kill off a few more pensioners this winter and throw useless cripples onto the street. If that fails people should rest assured that we'll tackle the problem head on and abolish corporation tax completely. Then wealthy corporations won't have any tax to avoid will they?"

Anatomy Of A Tory Crime.

Yesterday the aircraft pictured above belonged to you and me. Today, after being sold for little better than 20% of its worth, it belongs to a speculator in stocks and shares. Tomorrow, after being sold for a little more than 20% of its true value, it will belong to a multi-national company that pays no tax in Britain. Overjoyed and grateful for getting such a valuable asset, and billions of pounds of assets just like it, for next to nothing the multi-national company will then make a "donation" to the Tory party. That is how the criminal gang known as the Tory party takes national assets and turns them into newly laundered cash to stuff into its party coffers and into their pockets. They will then use taxpayers money to pay the multi-national company for a mail "service", the cost of which will escalate far faster than inflation, and, in return for this largesse, will receive yet more "donations". This is how the Tory party ensures a steady supply of laundered money. If you were to sell something that didn't belong to you, fence it through a criminal gang and then sit back and enjoy a nice percentage of the continued earnings from the theft you would be rightly dubbed a criminal and gangster. If caught you would be tried and, if found guilty, would be lucky to see the outside world this side of the mid-21st century. The Tories have to fear no such consequences and can, therefore, commit their crimes in the full glare of publicity and, with the support of the stupid, the greedy and the ideologically committed amongst us, continue to enjoy the proceeds of their crime unhindered. This is not politics, this is crime pure and simple, a fraud of outstanding audacity, while we are the victims with absolutely no hope of redress for our losses.

Friday, 11 October 2013

Tories Fiddle While Britain Starves.

The object pictured above is a Red Cross Parcel, something not seen in Britain since the end of World War II but also something that many in Britain will become familiar with this winter. The Red Cross organisation is now so concerned about what is happening in Britain that they have decided to intervene and help distribute food in order to avoid a humanitarian disaster. Britain is now officially regarded as a third world country and is being accorded the sort of help normally reserved for natural disaster zones. Homelessness is about to soar in Britain as the Tory's bedroom tax and cuts to Council Tax Benefits begin to bear fruit. They are now rubbing their hands together with glee as 156,500 summons are being issued to the poorest members of society which includes 12,000 disabled people, 2,000 carers and dozens of former army personnel thrown onto the scrap heap to make way for the new unpaid volunteer armed forces and because they are no longer required to die in Afghanistan. Meanwhile the energy companies are busily engaged with plans to kill off some of their less valued customers this winter, raising prices by an eye-watering 8% while the Tory party guards their flanks and allows them to cut the Energy Companies Obligation (ECO). The ECO is a scheme whereby energy companies are obliged to pay for the installation of energy efficiency measures designed to help low-income households. This winter, as they rant about "Reds Under The Bed", the Tories will be doing what they do best - killing the poor, the vulnerable and the elderly so they can cut their own tax bill and enjoy their Fortnum and Mason Christmas hampers safe in the knowledge that they are thinning the ranks of potential Labour voters. In any other country this would be regarded with mounting horror and indignation, calls would be made in the UN for regime change and the Americans would be moving their fleet into position for a military strike. In Britain such things barely rate a mention while the Tories are regarded with a sort of amused indulgence rather than as the murderous gang of criminals that they are.

Wednesday, 9 October 2013

Tories Tackle Cost Of Living By Putting Prices Up.

If David Cameron was thrown into utter confusion by Ed Miliband's promise to freeze energy prices if he wins the next election then he has now come out fighting. His "Help To Buy" scheme is on course to help middle-ranking bankers buy their first home in London and to ease the burdens of buy-to-rent millionaires. His married tax allowance, expected to cause a stampede to the alter, will help at least five or six couples situated in the Home Counties as long as one of them doesn't work. He is now set to flog Royal Mail, a nationally owned asset, at a knock down price to his rich mates. His greatest triumph in defence of the common man, however, is his initiative to cap rail fare increases to 6.1%. We asked the Prime Minister how increasing prices helps to tackle the cost of living crisis; "Well, rail prices might be going up by twice the rate of inflation but it could have been worse. The rail companies said they wanted at least 11% to make the 6.1% they actually wanted look reasonable and we in the Tory were happy to oblige, especially if we get a backhander out of it. Our "Help To Buy" scheme will take the pressure off a great many middle-ranking bankers who would otherwise have to live is far less fashionable areas of London and off our mates in the buy-to-rent sector who have been very worried that rents might fall to reasonable levels. Our tax break for married couples will help hardworking couples only one of whom actually works and should benefit virtually no one thus costing the Exchequer nothing at all. All of this compares very favourably, I believe, with Ed Miliband's evil Marxist conspiracy to actually help ordinary people by freezing energy prices. Now my policies might not help ordinary people one bit but that's the price we all have to pay to prevent Reds from conquering the world and spoiling things for bankers."

Badgers Outwit The Tories.

The Tories are disarray today as they find that they have been outwitted by the badgers who have simply refused to cooperate in their own murder. Despite recalculating the number of badgers downwards and despite sending out the SAS to track the badgers and then gun them down, the government has still failed to reach its hoped-for body count. The Environment Secretary, Owen Patterson, has complained that "The badgers are moving the goalposts" suggesting a level of cunning that the Minister and his cabinet colleagues can only envy and aspire to. We asked our contact amongst the badgers, Brock, for his view; "I can't say that it's great fun being hunted by gun-toting swivel-eyed loons, but avoiding them is a bit of a laugh. Most of them seem to have difficulty hitting moving targets despite us having a dirty great white stripe on our heads. Their attempts to persuade us to surrender and stand still aren't getting them very far either and our refusal to wear a big red spot pinned to our fur has them hopping about in frustration. You wait until we mount our counter-offensive, that should be a giggle." We asked the Minister what he intends to do about this embarrassing stand off; "Flame throwers are our preferred option at this time, either that or napalm. We are also in advanced negotiations with various parish councils to see if they'll agree to a tactical nuclear strike followed up with an armoured thrust as a flanking manoeuvre. What we are really worried about now is suicide bombing badgers but I am determined that a bunch of animal terrorists will not win the day."

Tuesday, 8 October 2013

Why Are Privatised Services So Expensive And Inefficient?

G4S, the security company that failed completely to provide security for the Olympics and had to be bailed out by the public sector, are now spectacularly failing to provide an adequate service at HMP Oakwood. In the privately run prison it is easier to get drugs than to get soap and yet, despite being the world's most useless security company, the coalition is still awarding them contracts worth billions. The Tories like to tell us that this is because "competitive bidding to run prisons offered innovation, efficiency and better value for money without compromising standards.” The truth is that G4S is a major part of the Tories scheme to launder public money through private companies and into their bank accounts. G4S are awarded lucrative contracts for which they are not even remotely qualified, pocket huge wads of public money and then hand over a small proportion of this money to the Tory party as a bribe to ensure the award of future contracts. Nice business if you can get your snout in. The problems only came to light when it became embarrassingly obvious that those who run G4S are too dumb to walk and chew gum at the same time. Indeed, their own qualification for the job seems to be their propensity for criminal activity and their all-consuming greed. No wonder the Tories love them so much. This is where the Tory argument for further privatisation falls foul of reality. The standard of executive management in Britain is actually quite woeful with banks little better then organised crime gangs, transport companies who find it easier to move public money into their pockets than to move the public, energy companies who deliberately kill pensioners to improve profits and water companies who can't find enough water in a country that is almost permanently flooded. Now the Tories want to privatise education and healthcare so that we can all enjoy the "efficiency" of the private sector in these key areas too. In fact they are simply trying to increase the size and frequency of the bribes they depend upon for their very existence.

Monday, 7 October 2013

Osborne Risks Economy For Votes.

So far George Osborne's economic policy of austerity for the poor and unlimited goodies for the rich has been just short of disastrous. It hasn't wrecked the economy though it hasn't done it much good either and has certainly delayed any recovery while ensuring that is both patchy and deeply unfair. Most of the evil inflicted on the country - and make no mistake it is evil - has come in the form of social disruption and has been largely confined to those who don't vote Tory in the first place. Osborne has been unashamedly partisan, coddling Tory voters, pandering to their unthinking prejudices and making Britain safe for those with the sharpest elbows. His latest economic policy, however, is nothing short of stupid. The Help to Buy scheme, brought forward in the panic that set in after Ed Miliband promised to curb the rapacious money-grubbing energy companies, is certainly the dumbest thing he's ever done. It will only serve to breath life back into the property bubble that wrecked the world economy in the first place, make it even more difficult for ordinary people, especially the young, to buy their first home and further widen the chasm that has opened up between the have's and the have not's. The cap put on the scheme of £600,000 and the lack of restriction upon those applying is an open invitation for the buy-to-rent Tory voting minority to cash in once again. The fact is that the policy makes absolutely no economic sense whatsoever and is nothing more than an attempt to create a false and short-lived recovery for those who have already proven that they are unfit to have the vote by supporting the Tories. The Tories know they cannot hope to gain a majority in 2015 - they have deliberately inflicted too much damage on ordinary people for that - but they do hope that they can maintain the status quo and slither through the door of No.10 again with the help of the craven and turncoat Lib Dems or whichever party replaces them at the polls. Not just a cynical policy then, but one also designed to cheat the British public once again.

Saturday, 5 October 2013

Jeremy Hunt Plans Shrinkage Of The NHS.

Jeremy Hunt has now unveiled his latest move to soften up the NHS for privatisation. Not only does he plan to stop the promised and less than generous pay rise of 1% for NHS staff he also plans to dismantle the system of increments that reward staff for their growing experience over time and for staying in a difficult and challenging job. NHS pay and conditions for the vast majority are hardly generous in the first place - certainly not as generous as the inflation-busting pay rises and the "increments" that MP's allow themselves by cheating on their expenses. But, of course, Jeremy Hunt doesn't care about that. All he cares about is reducing the wage bill in anticipation of flogging off the NHS to his corporate bloodsucking mates. Nor does he care that the death rate is climbing steadily or that waiting times in A&E have trebled since the Tories seized power in 2010. Tory MP's in exposed marginal seats are already becoming rather nervous about their electoral prospects in 2015 but Hunt doesn't care about that either. He knows, as do Cameron and Osborne, that the Tories will only win a majority in 2015 if God intervenes and arranges a miracle. Hunt and the other criminals in the present coalition cabinet have to flog off the NHS and pocket the proceeds well before the 2015 deadline and wrecking it is the best way to achieve this. At first glance this might appear counter-productive. How can he sell off the NHS if it is near to collapse? The answer is simple. It doesn't matter if the NHS is in a state of collapse because Hunt and his rich pals don't use it. A NHS near to collapse will provide the necessary alibi for the Tories to sell the idea of privatisation to the electorate. And, even is this ploy fails, so what? The collapse will make it cheaper for the corporate bloodsuckers to acquire the NHS as they get their grubby hands on assets worth billions for next-to-nothing and increase the size of the potential "donations" for the Tory party. Jeremy Hunt is planning the world's most audacious smash and grab raid and, with so much money at stake, he doesn't care about anything else. Like all Tories he is nothing more than a squalid crook.

Friday, 4 October 2013

It's Deja Vu All Over Again.

The four men pictured above, from left to right, are William McKinley, Theodore Roosevelt, William Taft and Woodrow Wilson collectively know as "The Progressive Presidents" who governed the United States between 1897 and 1921. The political era that came before them was known as the "Gilded Age", one that was characterised by uncontrolled capitalism, political corruption, unregulated finance, monopolistic multi-national companies and social injustice. You would be forgiven, listening to what passes as modern political debate, for believing that the Progressive Era had never happened. Television studios are filled to bursting with earnest news presenters, political pundits and politicians who talk as if our modern political, financial and social problems are unprecedented. They do this because, by and large, they are ignorant and ill-educated. The truth is that these so-called debates are actually old hat and the arguments were won and lost over 100 years ago. How has this happened? It began in the 1980's when the neoliberal economists, ignoring the lessons of the past because it suited their utterly selfish agenda, made an ignorant, ill-educated and amnesiac electorate believe that they had come up with something that was both brand new and utterly amazing. In fact all they presented us with was a re-tread of the 19th century and then, with a smile, they invited the majority of us to slit our own throats. That was the message of the recent Tory party conference which was nothing more than a re-packaging of the same old disingenuous lies and yet another invitation for us in Britain to slit our own throats. The Labour party has little choice under these circumstances but to remind us yet again of the lessons learned in the early part of the 20th century. As Rudyard Kipling once wrote; "If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken, Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools." The point is that we've already had this debate and the selfish, greedy and self-serving lost the argument. As Woody Allen, the great American philosopher, tells us; "It's deja vu all over again."

Thursday, 3 October 2013

E.on Threatens To Kill More Pensioners This Winter

After the Tories put a stop to the Warm Homes initiative in order to kill a few more non-Tory voting pensioners this coming winter, E.on has taken a leaf out of the Tory's book, "How To Be Really, Really Nasty For Dummies", and decided that it will kill a few more. The reason for doing this is the laughably weak attempt by the Tories to regulate their greed. The Tories had told the energy companies to simplify their tariff structure and that's just what they did - by cutting out completely any concessions for pensioners. We asked an E.on spokesperson for the company view; "The government has left us no choice. It's either dead pensioners or a cut in profits and there's no competition I'm afraid. No, I mean there's no competition because we and the other Big Five in Britain's energy market have been fixing it for years. A few dead pensioners, especially if they don't even vote Tory, is a small price to pay to make sure our executives get their bonuses and our shareholders get their dividends." A Tory spokesman told us; "I must admit I did giggle when E.on told us "Over pensioner's dead bodies". We see killing pensioners as a legitimate way for the energy companies to get their message across. This is what happens when we try to regulate the market. We'll just have to give up and let the energy companies do whatever they like. We didn't think it would work, especially since we didn't really try, but it just goes to show what will happen if Ed Miliband tries to really regulate them. We are all powerless in the face of such formidable strength and have no choice but to recognise that the market rules supreme and energy companies are wealthy because they thoroughly deserve it."

Wednesday, 2 October 2013

The Survival Of The Nastiest.

The Tories are continuing to outline their bleak vision of the future today with Cameron now declaring war against the under 25's. Having punished those the Tories helped to put out of work and savaged the disabled they now have our children and grandchildren in their sights. "Now we have made a start on denying the young any kind of future we must next turn them into the same kind of savage brutes that we are," Cameron told the Tory conference. "We are boldly preparing school-leavers for the nasty and primitive society that we intend to create. No longer will people be able to speak of the "haves and the have not's", there will only be the "haves" because the "have not's" will then be the "have nothing at all's". Our vision is of a society in which there is no such thing as altruism, where every decision will be based on what is best for me and in which there is no place for anyone with less than a £1 million stashed in an offshore bank. Everyone else will be regarded as scum fit only to be forced into overcrowded housing with parents so feckless that they have completely neglected to become millionaires. This will be a society based not on the survival of the fittest but the survival of the nastiest and no one is more nasty than us. For many years lefty science fiction writers have talked about dystopia. After 2015 this will no longer be fiction, it will be a hard fact. Our hope is that the poor will no longer be with us because they will all be dead and buried."

Tuesday, 1 October 2013

Tories: Ugly, Nasty, Brutish And Primitive.

The Tory party has decided to use their conference to tear away the mask and reveal their true selves and what is revealed is not pretty. They have declared war on 150 years of progress and upon the British people themselves believing that the people have been sufficiently desensitised to accept their brutal and primitive outlook on life. They have launched a struggle for the heart and soul of the country confident that, if they win, the country like them will no longer have a heart and soul. They believe that they have succeeded in demonstrating that poor people are poor because they deserve it and, in view of that, there is no need to coddle them with benefits, free health care, social housing or any hope for the future. Selfishness and greed are to rule supreme and the devil take the hindmost. It is a bleak and unforgiving vision and one that is being sold by attempting to persuade the majority that the Tory party doesn't mean them. But of course the Tories do mean them as will be revealed if by any evil twist of fate they manage to get a majority in 2015. The depths to which they will stoop were revealed this week by the Daily Mail who have vilified Ed Miliband's father in print, attempting to destroy the reputation of man who fought for this country during World War II and suggest that any sins of the father, no matter how trivial and irrelevant, must be visited upon the son - if that son is too "left-wing" for their tastes. Their attack was simply vile but at least allows the rest of us to see what the Daily Mail and the Tory party regard as the "centre ground." It is time to choose sides and to realise that a vote for the Tory party is a vote for the brutal and the primitive, a vote for the dark side of human nature, a vote for giving up on the future and for abandoning hope in order to embrace despair.