The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Thursday, 3 October 2013

E.on Threatens To Kill More Pensioners This Winter

After the Tories put a stop to the Warm Homes initiative in order to kill a few more non-Tory voting pensioners this coming winter, E.on has taken a leaf out of the Tory's book, "How To Be Really, Really Nasty For Dummies", and decided that it will kill a few more. The reason for doing this is the laughably weak attempt by the Tories to regulate their greed. The Tories had told the energy companies to simplify their tariff structure and that's just what they did - by cutting out completely any concessions for pensioners. We asked an E.on spokesperson for the company view; "The government has left us no choice. It's either dead pensioners or a cut in profits and there's no competition I'm afraid. No, I mean there's no competition because we and the other Big Five in Britain's energy market have been fixing it for years. A few dead pensioners, especially if they don't even vote Tory, is a small price to pay to make sure our executives get their bonuses and our shareholders get their dividends." A Tory spokesman told us; "I must admit I did giggle when E.on told us "Over pensioner's dead bodies". We see killing pensioners as a legitimate way for the energy companies to get their message across. This is what happens when we try to regulate the market. We'll just have to give up and let the energy companies do whatever they like. We didn't think it would work, especially since we didn't really try, but it just goes to show what will happen if Ed Miliband tries to really regulate them. We are all powerless in the face of such formidable strength and have no choice but to recognise that the market rules supreme and energy companies are wealthy because they thoroughly deserve it."

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