The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Saturday, 19 October 2013

Does Cameron Support Wearing Jumpers Or Not?

Downing Street was in disarray tonight as Cameron struggled to make up his mind over the vexed question of wearing jumpers at home this winter in order to stay warm. The problems began when Ed Davey, the Energy Secretary, advised people to wrap up warm this winter because he and the rest of the government are too cowardly to stand up to the energy companies. When asked for a comment on this No10 at first suggested that this was good advice and then backtracked when it realised that the electorate might cotton on to the fact that the government doesn't care whether they freeze or not this winter. "It is entirely false to suggest the prime minister would advise people they should wear jumpers to stay warm," a spokesman told reporters. So is he suggesting that we shouldn't and take our chances? Not so, the spokesman insisted, David Cameron wouldn't tell people what to wear at home but then added; "If people are giving that advice it is something they may wish to consider." We asked Tory headquarters for a clearer statement on this important question; "People should switch suppliers if they have the necessary expertise to navigate the labyrinthine tariffs that the energy companies use to confuse their customers. They can fix the prices they pay for up to three years, something that is a good idea if the energy companies suggest it but a bad idea if Ed Miliband suggests it. We also suggest that people should spend all of their spare time studying the energy market as any sensible person would when exposed to market forces so they can make an informed guess at which supplier to use. As for wearing jumpers at home we think this is a good idea since that might help to keep old and useless people from cluttering up our hospitals and thus enable us to award ourselves a nice tax cut next spring. This is a time for people to be less selfish and give up their comfort for the greater good of energy company executives, shareholders and rich people like me."

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