Sunday, 27 October 2013
MP's Treat Themselves To Christmas Goodies.
Our parliamentary representatives have decided to give themselves a nice Chrissy present this year and refurbish their gym at the modest cost of only £250,000. MP's such as Eric Pickles can now honour their new year resolutions to lose weight in the kind of luxurious surroundings they've become accustomed to. "I can't see what all the fuss is about," a Parliamentary spokesman told our reporter. "Nearly everyone I know has access to a gym at work and what's a few hundred thousand pounds between friends? We need somewhere to burn off all those excess calories we consume in our taxpayers-funded bars and restaurants. We are leading by example by keeping ourselves in tip-top physical condition as anyone can see." We asked the same spokesman about the £75,000 Parliament plans to spend on Christmas decorations this year, up by 100% since 2012. "It's traditional isn't it. The fact that none of us will be here between October and March is neither here nor there. Parliament is a beacon to the world and the Christmas message, charity and goodwill to all men except the unemployed, useless cripples, surplus pensioners and Northerners, is important. The doubling of the price is all down to the worldwide hikes in Christmas tree and decoration wholesale prices that are completely beyond our control. I for one think that the executives in charge of the Christmas tree corporations thoroughly deserve their bonuses. Christmas comes only once a year after all." Intrigued we asked if some of that money might not have been better spent on helping the elderly and poor to afford heating this winter. "That's sounds suspiciously like socialism to me. If we did that the reds would be crawling out from under the beds all over the country and where would we be then? The poor and the elderly have a patriotic duty to freeze this winter to protect this country from the red menace that is emanating from hotbeds of left-wing thought such as Europe, UKIP and the English Defence League."