The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Thursday, 4 May 2017

Theresa May Appeals To The Morons.

After spending the first week of the general election campaign avoiding any mention of a policy and avoiding meeting real people Theresa May has finally come up with a cliché that her spin doctors think might find some traction. After voicing their opinion that Theresa May is a complete idiot with no idea as to what she is doing she has come back with an utterly brainless accusation that the EU is trying to spoil her election chances. This, she believes, will cause the British public to swing behind her as a latter day Boudicca and unite in the face of the real enemy - Johnny Foreigner. Given the utter vacuous stupidity of the British electorate she might well have a point. The social media is already replete with references to World War II, Winston Churchill, Waterloo and all the other historical nonsense trotted out by brain dead Brexiteers. As the bad news that Brexit represents piles up and the exit policy of the Tories continues to be non-existent May feels she has no choice but to wrap herself in the flag to rally her moronic troops before the truth flushes them down that creek where paddles are in short supply. We must all hope that Britain can find a market for its "Boy's Own History of Why Britain Is Really Great" to supplement its only other exports - arms for nasty dictators to kill their own people with and criminal banking services. For this alternative to a policy of any sort Theresa May is banking that the British people will be willing to see their NHS flogged off at bargain-basement prices to American healthcare companies, see more of their fellow citizens cast out into the streets, see even more of the disabled left destitute and see their children's and grand-children's future destroyed. Well for all you Brexiteers out there who think that a Tory government is a price worth paying and will actually vote for this murderous band of crooks, conmen and outright criminals, don't forget to wash your hands afterwards.

Tuesday, 2 May 2017

The Great Brexit Alibi.

Brexit was won on the back of outright lies. There will be no end to immigration. There will be no extra money for the NHS. There are no lucrative trade deals being made with the rest of the world outside the EU. The Tories have no strategy for negotiating Britain's way out of the EU. There is no unity in the country. So, Theresa May must ask herself, how the hell can the Tory party survive the economic disaster that is about to engulf us all? While the PM's husband is poised to make millions out of his post-Brexit investments it is not difficult to understand why Theresa May's support for the Remain campaign was so lacklustre or why she was so eager to embrace leaving the EU as fast as possible. The Tory spin doctors came to her rescue with such soundbites as "Brexit means Brexit" and "the will of the people". How then to survive the looming disaster of the "negotiations" that seem to consist entirely of unreasonable demands and the threat to shoot Britain through its collective head if May doesn't get what she wants? First call a general election - you know the one she said she wouldn't call - and get an "overwhelming mandate" for her negotiating position. This will strengthen her hand she insists. This rather begs the question as to why the EU would give a damn about her "mandate", overwhelming or otherwise. The British electorate, it must be pointed out, don't vote in German or French elections and, consequently, German and French politicians simply don't care what they think. Not to worry though for, while the Tories pretend to have an exit strategy and the Daily Mail speaks of the EU negotiation strategy as a "plot" by dastardly foreigners, the fix is already in. When Theresa May walks away from the negotiations with a hatful of nothing she will address the nation from the steps of No.10 and explain patiently that she was merely carrying out "the will of the people". Now do you get it? "You" (or at least the less than 40% of the electorate who voted for this idiocy) are to blame. The Tory party which led us out of the EU and up this dark blind alley will not be to blame. It's all your fault.