The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Tuesday, 31 July 2012

Tories Rob The Poor To Pay The Rich

Despite all evidence to the contrary Chris Grayling, pictured above, is still insisting that his pogrom against the sick and disabled is justified. A man who stole £127,000 of taxpayers money by fiddling his expenses has the sheer brass neck to accuse others of being "scroungers." Meanwhile homelessness has risen by 25% in the last three years and income levels for ordinary people have fallen to the lowest level since early 2005. There can be no doubt that austerity is beginning to bite - for the poorest people in our society at any rate. And what is the result of all this? Has our deficit fallen? No it has increased. Is our economy beginning to recover? No, and our double-dip recession is now tipped to be a triple-dip recession next year. And, just to add insult to injury and despite Tory promises that it wouldn't happen, top Civil Servants at the Treasury have been handed £1 million in bonuses for simply doing their job. Coupled with George Osborne's tax break for the richest in the country there can no longer be any doubt that the Tories are determined that the poor will pay for a recession that they themselves have engineered. No wonder they're not overly concerned about the economy - it makes no difference to them one way or the other. Their concerns are only tangentially concerned with the economy. Their real concern is to roll back all the progress that working people have made at the last 150 years and recreate the gross inequalities they love so much. For them the age of progress is over and its now time for them to once more sink their fangs into the country like the bloodsuckers they are.

Monday, 30 July 2012

How Tory Corruption Works.

So let's get this straight. Sovereign Capital is a company set up in 2001 by John Nash and Ryan Robson. In 2004 they bought the Employment and Skills Group (ESG). During the period between 2001 and 2012 the Tory party have received £182,500 from Mr Nash while he also gave Andrew Lansley a donation of £21,000. Mr.Robson has donated £267,866 to the Tories since 2003. Since the Tories seized power Mr.Nash has been appointed to the Department of Education Board by Michael Gove and is one of four key members of the Independent Challenge Group that advises George Osborne on how to "think the unthinkable" when it comes to cutting benefits to the unemployed. Mr.Robson is a director of the Centre for Social Justice, a thinktank set up by Ian Duncan Smith to help him develop his plans for cutting unemployment benefits. Since David Cameron snuck into 10 Downing Street by the back door ESG has been awarded £69 million in government contracts which will pay that company an extra £800 for every unemployed person they place on mandatory work-for-benefits schemes. Easy money whichever way you look at it since work-for-benefit schemes are mandatory and its not as if those forced to do it have any choice. Last week ESG was sold for an undisclosed sum to Ares Capital, the investment bank that had financed it in the first place. Essentially then public money has been siphoned off to a private company that has been instrumental in setting up the work-for-benefits scheme hand-in-glove with the Tory party which has been accepting "donations" from that same company for over ten years. So is this corruption? If it walks like a duck.......

Sunday, 29 July 2012

Tories Even Lie To Themselves

The Tories have reacted in a very strange way to the idea that Danny Boyle's Olympic Opening extravaganza was a "coded" attack on them. In fact, of course, there was nothing "coded" about it - Danny Boyle stuck it to the Tories in no uncertain terms and left no one in any doubt who the monster threatening the NHS was meant to represent. The Tories immediately did what they always do - they lied through their gritted teeth and pretended that they had no idea what everyone else was talking about. Boris Johnson in feigning surprise that people would think it was all a bit "leftish" put this reporter in mind of Miss Piggy and her famous "Pretentious? Moi?" reply. Now, after the debacle over G4S that showed the lie behind private sector efficiency and Danny Boyle showing two fingers to the Tories, we have the spectacle of Lord Seb Coe pretending that empty seats actually means that the events are "stuffed to the gills" with fans. Which just goes to show that the Tories can't even tell the truth to themselves. The reason for this is twofold - first, they wouldn't know the truth if it bit them on the arse and, second, telling the truth to themselves would bring them face to face with the fact that they are really, really stupid. Evidently to the Tories the truth is so unacceptable that it must always be accompanied by a bodyguard of lies. Yet, despite the knee-jerk lie mode the Tories always adopt when caught out, the Olympic Games have done one great service for the British people - it has revealed the Tories once and for all for the incompetent morons they always were.

Saturday, 28 July 2012

Is "Multi-Cultural Crap" The Tory View Of Britain?

Aiden Burley, the Tory MP for Cannock Chase, has described the Olympic Opening Ceremony on Twitter as "multi-cultural crap." This is not surprising considering he was sacked as a PPI last year for helping to organise a "Third Reich" stag party in Switzerland. What has been surprising is the stampede by top Tories to distance themselves from his comments. Surprising because the ceremony must have set Tory teeth on edge with its unashamed tribute to the working people of Britain and its concentration of the NHS as an unparalled achievement in British history. The fact that World War II, except for a brief film clip of David Niven in "Stairway To Heaven," barely got a mention must also have grated a bit. I still think that a Spitfire parked in the centre of the arena might at least have unsettled the German team a bit, reminded the Americans that without it their famous Mustang would have lacked an engine and the rest of the competitors that we deserve at least one extra gold medal for saving the world. As the "Guardian" put it politely today, Burley's outburst might "fuel suspicions that some members of the Conservative party have unreconstructed views which fail to recognise the pivotal contribution to society made by black and minority ethnic Britons." Why not? They certainly have unreconstructed views on just about everything else, from their utter contempt for ordinary people to their view that they have a right to pocket whatever they can get their hands on. Nor has there been a mention on the news channels of the arrest of 50 "Critical Mass" protestors outside the Olympic venue last night. To see footage of the police pepper spraying and restraining a disabled protestor with their truncheons or a police medic trying to stop them, you will have to turn to You Tube as usual.

Friday, 27 July 2012

Cameron Pledges To "Finish The Country."

In a desperate attempt to sound Churchillian David Cameron has told the electorate that, if we were so stupid as to give him the tools, then he will "finish the job." With our economy shrinking faster than a slug on a barbecue it is difficult to understand what "job" Cameron thinks he's doing. So we asked him. "What people have to understand," he told our reporter after being wired up to a lie detector, "is that in a time of recession its very important to make sure that rich people like me don't suffer. We are the wealth creators as well as being the wealth hoarders and we need new laws that enable us to grab more and keep more while the peasants pay the bill. We have no plans for any u-turns on this since we are quite content with the existing arrangements. The present economic figures are disappointing, or they would be if I cared a toss about them. I'll still be rich whether I'm in or out of a job and will make absolutely sure that when this is all over, in maybe ten or twenty years, I'll be even richer than I am now. We are laying the foundations for a recovery that no one but people like me will benefit from, as is right and proper, and a new system that will allow us to cheat, steal and dodge paying taxes with even greater efficiency. Fortunately we now have a six week-window during which the peasants will be too busy staring at the Olympics to pay attention to what we're up to. As my hero, Winston Churchill, once said, "Never has so much been stolen from so many by so few and with such few consequencies." Makes you proud to be British doesn't it?"

Baroness Warsi Gets Away With It.

Baroness Warsi has been cleared of all wrongdoing over her expenses - by her mates in the Tory party. She's apologised for accidently taking her husband's cousin with her on an official trip to Pakistan and is reported that she's "delighted" that her murky dealings over paying rent haven't been too closely looked at. So what does all this tell us about the state of British politics? That it's rotten to the core and is even more rotten when the Tories get their snouts in the trough. Baroness Warsi, not to put too fine a point on it, has been allowed to get away with a fiddle that would get me or you fired and possibly prosecuted for fraud. This is hardly surprising in a country where the dispensation of justice is entirely dependent on who you know and how much money you have rather than whether you are guilty or not. We live in a country where bankers can steal money with impunity, where utility companies charge what they like , where policemen can kill without fear of consequence and politicians can lie, cheat and steal taxpayers money as they see fit. Meanwhile ordinary people are exposed to the full force of "justice" for even the slightest infraction of laws that apply only to them. If nothing else the banking crisis and resultant recession has demonstrated that Britain is nothing more than a shoddy banana republic, an oligarchy in which democracy is nothing more than a hollow sham. As the saying goes, "If you're not outraged you're not paying attention."

Thursday, 26 July 2012

George Osborne And The Art Of Self Harm

George Osborne has been famously described as a man "educated beyond his intelligence" - like many in Britain's government who have had the benefit of a very expensive private education that teaches them how to take advantage of their privileged position and very little else. Osborne has staked his reputation on an ideological piece of nonsense that suggets that the private sector has been "crowded out" by a bloated public sector and that butchering the public sector will allow the private sector to flourish. This makes about as much sense as someone entering an arse kicking contest and hacking off their own left leg as part of the training regime. And, as the latest economic figures amply demonstrate, it hasn't worked. The reason is so simple that you would think that even Osborne might understand it. Butchering the public sector, throwing thousands out of work and making people afraid for the future has killed demand in the economy and removed the necessary conditions for the private sector to flourish. Panicked by the figures David Cameron appeared on the BBC today to remind everyone that this is all the fault of the Labour party - an excuse that is as false as it is threadbare - and to portray his belated conversion to Keynsian economics as a brand new idea that he's invented all by himself and for the first time. What he was actually saying is that the last two years have been a ghastly mistake but that we should all forget what he and his disasterous Chancellor have been doing and concentrate on the wonderful job they will do for the next two years. In a country with a huge housing shortage and a building industry visbly shrivelling away you would think that the answer would be obvious. And so it would be to any politician with one working brain cell - after all we've just spent £24 billion so that people across the world can watch other people running, jumping and throwing things. BUILD HOUSING YOU MORON!!!!!!!

Wednesday, 25 July 2012

Tory Ideology Reveals Its Essential Insanity.

The sheer insanity that lies at the heart of Tory ideology becomes more and more obvious every day. Figures out today are widely expected to show that Britain is still firmly in recession - something that is of no surprise to anyone except for David Cameron and George Osborne. "Outsourcing" of security at all levels in Britain is to continue despite the utter incompetence of companies like G4S who literally couldn't find their arses with both hands. Meanwhile, as the Border Agency struggles with cuts to its staff and threatens strike action during the Olympics out of a sense of sheer survival, news breaks that an 11-year old boy was able to fly to Rome without a passport, bording pass or even a ticket. Having vented their spleen on ordinary people in this country for not being as posh as themselves, the Tories have also continued to persecute the vulnerable while their rich pals are allowed to be as greedy, evil and stupid as they like. The Olympic venue cost a cool £7 billion while, at the same time, the Tories flatly refuse to build badly needed housing because they fear that an increased supply might affect their own property values. The truth is that the Tories are entirely selfish and are incapable of governing the country in the interests of anyone but themselves and those rich enough to be considered "one of them." They like to point the finger and accuse trade unions and the Labour party of promoting class warfare when they have the temerity to fight back, but the working class are nothing but amateurs when compared to these class warriors who hate everyone who is not "them."

Tuesday, 24 July 2012

Want To Know A Tax Dodging Secret?

David Gauke from the Treasury has been telling us all that is "morally repugnant" for tradesmen to be paid "cash-in-hand." Meanwhile moves are afoot for betting shops to be allowed to operate more gambling machines. Yet betting shop chains are some of the biggest tax dodgers in the country and actually operate a scam that reduces their tax bill by millions every year. The scam is quite difficult to understand so, if you're a tax inspector or MP, pay close attention. It involves an apparent confidence trick known as the "slow count." The conman waits until a dog race is about to begin and hands in a slip with an ambiguous stake making unclear whether he is betting £2 or £200. The hapless betting shop employee rings into the till £200 and then waits a few seconds as the conman apparently struggles to count his money, all the while keeping one eye on the race to see if his dog is going to win. If it looks as if it will he happily hands over £200 confident that he's about to scoop several hundred pounds in return. If it looks as if his dog is about to lose he feigns surprise and tells the cashier that the bet was only for £2. These conmen are well known and their pictures adorn various areas out of sight of the customers while cashiers are warned every day as to where these people are operating. But, in a busy shop when ordinary customers are thrusting betting slips into the cashiers face from all directions it is easy to be caught out and accept the bet. Not that that matters much since it quickly becomes obvious what is going on and it is highly unlikely that the manager will allow the bet to be paid out. And, even if the conman manages to pull off the trick, he is no more likely to pick a winner than anyone else. Despite these obvious drawbacks the conmen continue to criss-cross the country, spending huge amounts of money for transport, overnight accomodation and eating out. Why? Because the conmen are actually paid by the betting shop chains to pull the con. You see if the bet is rung into the till the betting shops record a loss not for the lesser stake of say £2 but for the greater stake of £200. This despite the fact that the bet is voided and no money has actually changed hands. And, because it is recorded as a loss, no tax is payable on that amount. It is a tax dodge pure and simple and is happening up and down the country seven days a week, 365 days a year, saving the gambling industry millions in tax every year. As an added bonus any cashier who inadvertantly accepts such a bet is formally warned for his or her transgression, making it easier to sack them if business demands it. Lovely isn't it?

Sunday, 22 July 2012

Unreported Europe.

Something strange is happening to Europe. During the 19th century Africa was known as the "Dark Continent" because it was largely unexplored and unknown. No one knew what went on there because it was hidden from view. Now, at the beggining of the 21st century and in an age of global commiunications, the same thing is happening in Europe. For the last two weeks Spain has been convulsed by some of the bloodiest riots the continent has ever experienced and yet news coverage has been almost non-existant. The BBC seems to have been in a self-imposed purdah on the subject but have gone into overdrive to report a lone killer in Colorado and are positively orgasmic over the Olympics. There have been dozens of riots across Europe during the last two years yet, if you listened only to the BBC, you would get the impression that the continent, with the possible exception of Greece, is entirely at peace. It is not and resentment and resistence to an elitist programme of austerity continues to build. In Germany demonstrators were escorted by a police force who spontaneously took off their riot helmets in a display of solidarity with the protestors while the French have uncerimoniously ditched those who sought to punish them for the crimes of others. In Britain the Tories have undertaken a programme of austerity, if only for the poor, without a majority or a mandate by deliberately fixing the rules to delay a democratic election until 2015. But the truth is that Neoliberalism is clinging onto power by its fingertips across the globe and a real revolution is sweeping the world whether the BBC reports it or not.

Global Elite No Better Than Criminals.

Thirty years ago a group of greedy people managed to sell the idea that allowing them to steal the world's wealth was a really, really good idea. The idea was diseminated by people like Margaret Thatcher with a few simple nostrums such as national economies being like household budgets and a whole raft of incredible assumptions such as "trickle down." The result of this confidence trick is now evident after thirty years of sheer criminality by the global elite. Something bewteen 21 and 32 trillion dollars has been hidden away by a bunch of madmen who collect wealth like some people collect beer mats. They are clearly insane since this money has no real function and only exists for the greedy to gloat over. They have all but destroyed the world economy in their quest for more and more and have created a society that is so unequal that it threatens to collapse into revilution. Caught out and exposed for all to see their first reaction was to pretend it wasn't true, then they urged us to punish ourselves for their crimes and now they're urging us all to move on and forget what happened in the past as if it isn't still going on. These people are destroying our future and the future of our childfren. They are criminals pure and simple driven insane by greed and, despite their claims to world leadership, they suffer from a devastating lack of character. People like Cameron and George Osborne in Britain and Mitt Romney in the USA are the standard bearers for more of the same while opposition to it is all too often shackled by a need to appease the very criminals who caused the problem in the first place. The system is broken and cannot be repaired and we need to sweep it away and start again.

Saturday, 21 July 2012

Nigel Lawson Advises Cameron To Be More Like Thatcher.

Nigel Lawson, yet another Tory has-been with too much time on his hands and not enough brain power to light a 5 watt bulb, has advised David Cameron to stop copying Tony Blair and be more like Margaret Thatcher. "I simply don't understand why Cameron refuses to model himself on Thatcher. It is the duty of any Tory leader to give the peasants in Britain a jolly good thrashing and I don't think he has the right attitude. He's allowed unemployment to fall recently and has made the serious mistake of giving the peasants some reason for optimism. What we actually need is more tax cuts for the rich and more deregulation so that big-business can get down to its primary task of ripping off the British public. He made a good start by encouraging suicide amongst cripples and other worthless people in this country, but has failed to follow through a similar campaign against working class children who are responsible for all our problems and are seriously under-represented in the suicide figures. I think it would be a good thing for Cameron to start listening to Margaret whose recent descent into dementia has improved her Tory thinking no end. However I continue to believe that, if we can come up with a few more simplistic and insane ideas, we can still fool the public into giving us the necessary votes to win an outright majority and complete the task of turning back the clock to the 1840's."

Lord Coe "Olympics Are Now Safe."

Lord Coe, an important and gifted politician because he could run fast when he was young, has announced that the Olympic games in London will be secure. "Obviously they weren't secure before because we gave the contract for security to a dangerously inefficient and incompetent private sector company," he told our reporter. "Fortunately the public sector was able to provide the neccessary security at short notice despite the fact that we Tories have done our best to decimate it lately. All of this goes to prove that we are quite right in putting the interests of the private sector over those of the public sector which is, by and large, staffed by peasants. I now have complete confidence in Tory plans to privatise evreything including the NHS which, as you know, is safe in our hands. The most important thing is not that private companies can actually do the jobs they contract for but that they can glum money out of the public purse for doing as little as possible. Once that valuable principle is universally accepted I'm sure that Britain will be a better place - for me at any rate."

Tories Display Their Utter Contempt For Britain.

It has long been evident that the Tory party hates Britain and have nothing but contempt for the British people. They think nothing of condemning their fellow countrymen to years of uemployment and a lifetime of poverty and will not hesitate to inflict untold damage on British society in the inetrests of their warped and destructive ideology. Indeed their only alliegiance is to money which trumps all other considerations. There is no need for the British people to fear domination by a foreign power when one of their own political parties is so willing to sell them down the river. They especially hate the British when some of them have the temerity to fight back and question their decisions. The idea that a trade union might strike sends them into proxysm of outrage, especially if it looks as if that strike might be effective. When it it also threatens to damage the interests of their corporate paymasters their fury knows no bounds. When it involves public sector workers they become positively incandescent and, without any reflection, their immediate reaction is to reduce the rights of British people to an even lower level. When compared to their attitude towards foreign governments and foreign business interests, their prejudice against their own country becomes even clearer. The idea that a Tory government would even consider outsourcing the building of new nuclear power plants to the Chinese beggars belief. Yet that is exactly what they are doing. Why would they do such an outrageous thing? Because they think it will be cheaper, saving their wealthy pals from paying tax and enabling the privatised energy industry to make even greater profits. In other words the Tories are willing and able to put the future of one our most sensitive and important industries into the hands of a foreign power for money. That, by any definition, is treason.

Friday, 20 July 2012

Border Guard Strike Universally Condemned.

The strike called by employees of the Border Agency has been universally condemned by politicians on both the left and the right. We asked Ed Milliband why he has added his voice to the condemnation; "Well it's the Olympic Games isn't it? People in this country are srupid when it comes to sport and they very annoyed if someone spoils their mindless enjoyment. So we can't be seen to support anything that will come between them and six weeks of watching other people running, jumping and throwing things." For the government David Cameron told our reporter; "When we kick people like those who work for the Border Agency we expect them to shut up and take it. Fighting back is simply not on, especially if they call a strike when it might actually be effective. I am particularly worried about the possible loss of profits for all those corporations who've turned the Olympics into a rip off of global dimensions." On the BBC's Radio 4 Norman Lamont, one of the last bunch of Tory conmen who deregulated the banking industry, was concerned that Britain might turn into North Korea overnight. "What message does this send to the rest of the world?" he asked. Maybe that some British people have enough backbone to resist the smug, self-satisfied spivs who have plundered the state for quite long enough?

IMF Labels George Osborne As A Moron.

The IMF, the organisation charged with the task of saving bankers from the consequencies of their own crminal actions, has today pointed out that George Osborne is actually a complete moron. Christine Lagarde has warned him that deliberately destroying the British economy is not likely to aid its recovery. "We have come to the startling conclusion that throwing millions out of work, cutting benefits to them and then forcing them to pay ever-increasing prices for essential goods and services might not be such a good idea after all. We used to think that and were really really surprised when it failed to work. I mean who could have predicted that? Anyway, the point is that George Osborne seems to have missed this finding and we are appealing to him to pay more attention to his job. I hesitate to use the word "moron." He obviously is a moron but I don't like insulting rich people because it might upset them. I don't use the word "criminal" when talking about bankers for the same reason. Nor would I like to go too far in criticising his economic strategy since it has saved rich people from shouldering their fair share of the burden which is the main thing. The problem now is that completely flattening the economy is bad for business and business people are rich too so need protecting as well. Unfortunately this means that the peasants can't be squeezed indefinitely - though we would all like to do so - and we have to allow them enough money to pay their taxes. I mean, if they don't pay taxes who will?"

Thursday, 19 July 2012

Cameron Raises Complacency To Government Policy.

While George Osborne is swanning about claiming that low interest rates are "benefitting" the poor through some mysterious mechanism that no one else can understand, David Cameron is gleefully predicting that austerity will last for another decade. "We have been completely surprised by the economy stubbornly refusing to react properly to our mystical and magical policies," he told our reporter. "We've tried everything that we tried in the 1930's and 1980's yet, despite repeating the same experiment, the result remains the same. I simply don't understand it. Still, I am confident that the British people understand that the pain is necessary if rich people are to remain rich and tax bills for the wealthy are to be reduced. We can still do really exciting conservative-like things such as stealing the NHS and giving it away to a bunch of incompetent money-grubbing morons in the private sector. The completely unexpected fall into a double-dip recession, which no one within the Tory party could have predicted, is unfortunate but since only the poor will have to pay for it that doesn't really matter. We have learned a valuable lesson from the failure of G4S over the Olympics - ignore reality, praise our wonderful armed forces and magnificent police force and everything will be all right. Now is not the time for asking awkward questions such as "Do you have any idea what the hell you're doing?" You must all pull together while we put our feet up. With that in mind I am completely confident that the Tory party will win an outright majority at the next election and be able to give the great British people the thorough beating they deserve. Don't forget, you're all in this together."

Wednesday, 18 July 2012

Why Voting Tory Costs Lives.

Since the Tories seized power with the help of their LibDem henchmen, the number of premature deaths in Britain has continued to climb. Suicide rates, especially amongst ex-servicemen, have soared as unemployment and cuts to benefits have led many into despair. Deaths amongst the sick have increased as it becomes increasingly difficult to access healthcare. Drug deaths are up, especially amongst the young, as the Tories withdraw from programmes designed to limit the damage. And, for the first time in a decade, road deaths have increased as the Tories slash road safety budgets. This is the true cost of austerity and, as the Tories know only too well, it affects ordinary people to a much higher degree than it does the rich. Once more it is the poor who are paying the price in blood for the crisis engineered by the fatcats in the finance and banking industry as the smug, self-satisfied and selfish dodge their fair share of the pain not to mention taxes. The Tories managed to lay waste to an entire generation back in the 1980's and, as predicted, they have used the present economic crisis as an excuse to lay waste to another one. Using the simplistic argument that a national budget is the same thing as a household budget, they have slashed and burned like the demented barbarians they always were.

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

HSBC Laundered Money For Drug Cartels.

HSBC has been found out laundering billions of dollars for Mexican drug cartels as well as some "suspicious" money eminating from Iraq, Libya and Syria. The rules governing such practices are well-known while the techniques for detecting it are fairly straightforward. So what went wrong? Well, nothing actually. HSBC were simply doing what banks have been doing for years - acting as criminal organisations. This is what the neoliberal experiment in de-regulation has delivered - a world economy that is nothing more than organised crime. And how will HSBC be punished for helping those who kill our children with drugs and those who murder their own citizens? Will individual executives responsible for such law breaking be hauled in front of a court and then sentenced to life imprisonment? We'll see, but so far it doesn't look good. The US seems content with an "apology" from the bank and are set to "fine" the bank - in other words it is going to tax income from illegal activities - but no executives have yet been named and there is no sign that individuals will be put on trial. Nothing demonstrates the essentially criminal nature of our economic system than this, nor how deeply involved our politicians are. To add insult to injury shares in the bank have actually risen in value - a clear indication as to how the de-regulated market regards banking crime. It is for this and crimes like it that ordinary people face an uncertain and insecure future in which the word "austerity" is nothing more than a codeword for making the poor pay for the crimes of the wealthy.

Monday, 16 July 2012

Should Cameron Be Tried For Treason?

Treason is the betrayal of one's country. It is a crime that is sometimes perpetrated for monetary gain and sometimes out of ideological conviction. Whatever the reason it is deliberate damage inflicted on the perpetrator's own country with a view to undermining it and delivering it into the hands of it's enemies. But betraying a country is rather a abstract concept, after all how can a few million acres of real estate be betrayed? What the term actually means, of course, is the betrayal of the people in that country. David Cameron has deliberately betrayed the people of this country and has inflicted real harm on them for both ideological reasons and for monetary gain. He is deliberately dismantling the state, created by us the people over the last 100 years, in order to fund tax cuts for himself and his rich pals. This has been accompanied by a deliberate campaign to turn us against each other, encouraging real conflict with the very real danger that is could lead to actual violence in our society. There is nothing in this for the ordinary man except for insecurity, poverty and the loss of any hope in the future. Sucide rates are soaring, while the economy is being destroyed to bring us to heel through unemployment and shrinking wages and to benefit the already wealthy. Our healthcare, police forces, benefit system, utilities and education are being outsourced to private enterprise so they can pocket tax payers money while dodging it themselves. All of this has been achieved by a so-called government with no majority and no mandate. In terms of betryal what could be more treasonous than this? We are the country and we are betrayed.

Sunday, 15 July 2012

Baroness Warsi Tries To Dish The Dirt.

Baroness Warsi, the Tory party's best example of honesty and probity, has railed against Ed Milliband's attendance at the Durham Miner's Gala telling the press that he was associating with his "miltant paymasters." The leader of the labour party associating with the people who founded his party in the first place? How awful. Thank God we have honest Tory politicians like Baroness Warsi to point this out to us. The only question is will she be voluable when David Cameron meets with his paymasters - big business, bankers, tax dodgers and other varied and assorted criminals? I doubt it. Why is it that its OK for the Tories to consort with those who would sell their own grandmothers to grab an extra quid but not OK for Labour to meet with organisations that have more members than all the political parties put together? Why is defending ordinary workers rights militant, while destroying them and undermining democracy is acceptable? And why is it illegal to make racist comments about Baroness Warsi, but perfectly acceptable for her to make prejudiced comments about the union members? The use of the word "miltant" in relation to unions should be just as unaccepatble as a racial slur. How would she feel if the word Tory was always associated with the word "sleazey?" I suppose she's used to it by now. Why don't we all try it? As long as the Tories to continue to associate "militant" and "unions" together we should all associate the words "sleazey" and "Tory" as a matter of course and give them a dose of their own medicine.

Tories Plan To Sell Our Blood.

The Tories want to sell the National Blood Service (NBS)to private owners and are employing bankers of all peeple to make the sale. Simon Burns, The Minister for Stealing Blood, told reporters that the sale was necessary so the NBS "can successfully compete in the global market. An independent review, made up of people who agree with me, found that the best interests of the company, the taxpayer and patients would be met by investment from private sector. We have chosen the bank Lazard to head up the sale because we've been really impressed with the integrity and honesty of that industry as a whole - at least when compared to politicians. Once the sale is complete we are confident that the private sector will bring much needed efficiency to the whole process and would point to G4S as a good example of this. The main thing is that we will be able to take the blood given freely by volunteers and flog it to countries like the USA so that we can continue with such important initiatives as featherbedding MP's pensions. We are also adopting a new motto - "Give blood. Make a banker and a politician even richer than they are now." Catchy isn't it?"

Saturday, 14 July 2012

Private Sector Efficiency.

According to the Tories and other neoliberal morons throughout the world, it is a well known "fact" that private enterprise is more efficient than the public sector. The proof of this can be seen everywhere you look. How bad would the railways be if it wasn't for a whole bunch of people diverting money from services into private offshore banks for instance? How expensive would gas and electricity be if it wasn't for those same people siphoning off the profits into the those same offshore banks? How would the water companies have achieved water shortages in an island that is in a state of almost continual flooding? A clue might be seen in the latest scandal surrounding G4S. Highly paid executives, it turns out, had no idea that there would be a manpower shortage at the Olympics until a few days ago. Nor could they guarantee how many of the people they did manage to recruit and train could actually speak English. The security boss and executive in charge of stating the bleeding obvious at G4S, Nick Buckles, told the BBC that he had "underestimated the task of supplying staff to the Olympics". The reason for this is quite evident - he's an overpaid and incompetent twat. And that is where the neoliberal belief in the efficiency of the private sector falls short - it fails to take into account the sheer idiocy of executives whose only ineterest in life is getting their hands on as much easy money as possible. Greed is not good, it is simply a character flaw and is usually accompanied by other flaws such as stupidity and arrogance. In short neoliberalism is a simple theory that appeals only to simpletons and nowhere will you find a greater concentration of simpletons than in the Tory party.

Friday, 13 July 2012

What Is Quantative Easing?

Mervyn King has promised another £50 billion in "quantitative easing" this month, putting the total quantity so far eased at £325 billion. But what is it? Essentially the Bank of England purchases government bonds from the banks, the intention being that this "money" will then find its way into the wider economy and boost demand. There are, however, a few problems with it. First, no extra money is actually printed - the "cash" is actually "fiat" money, an electronic transaction that simply transfers credit from one place to another. Secondly, the banks have absolutely no intention of passing this "money" on to the wider economy through loans because they would rather use it to pay their bonuses and as stake money for their gambling addiction. In other words nothing is transferred from nowhere to nowhere else and achieves absolutely nothing in the process. Why then do they do it? The Bank of England likes it because it looks as if they're doing something without risking an increase in inflation. Politicians like it because it looks as if they're doing something without actually spending any real money at all. It's as if the government has a steam engine, the boiler of which is filled with water and all that is needed is to light the furnace. Unwilling to invest in the coal necessary to make a fire, however, the government simply keeps adding more cold water to the boiler. The result of all this is stagnation. Except for one group of people that is. The bankers charge management fees for all this non-movement of non-existant money - a deserving cause I'm sure you'll all agree.

Britain Seizes Up.

After only 30 months the Tory plan for "improving" the nation is coming to fruition. The gap between rich and poor is widening at an accelerated pace, unemployment has continued its remorseless climb, the deficit has grown, suicides are up, MP's are still fiddling their expenses and voting in line with their own financial interests and bankers remain free while paying themselves huge bonuses for criminal failure. Meanwhile arrangements for the Olympic games are rapidly descending into farce, airport queues are growing, reform of the Lords has been set back for a decade, hospitals are being bankrupted and the wealthy are still avoiding paying tax. In other words the "Big Society" is nothing more than the same old society with even more added inequality. The entire country is literally seizing up as the economy collapses and working people struggle to meet ever higher prices while they are paid less and less. Britain is not Greece and does not have its economic problems but the Tories continue to pretend that it is. They are more than out of touch, they are an actual danger to the peace of the realm, a disaster for Britain who seem to relish the idea of driving the country into revolution.

Thursday, 12 July 2012

Will G4S Give Us Our Money Back?

Unable, because of public pressure, to use slave labour drawn from the unemployed G4S has announced that they cannot fulfill their £294 million contract. "We're very sorry about this," a G4S spokesperson told our reporter, "but thanks for all the money. The problem was that we simply couldn't find enough people willing to work for nothing while living in a muddy field with no toilet facilities. That's the trouble with British people, they're greedy and have a misplaced sense of entitlement." We asked a Treasury spokesman about a possible refund of taxpayers money. "There has been a technical breach of contract," the government spokesperson told us, "but they are a private company and are entitled to public money for doing nothing under provisions for outdoor relief to multi-millionaires. We feel that Labour is simply trying to make political capital out of this and spoil the Olympics for the ordinary hard-working people of this country some of whom have tickets under the "Olympics for the Peasants" inintiative. The army have bravely stepped into the breach even though most of them will be sacked immediately afterwards. We feel that this a triumph of privatisation and are proud to be associated with a company that is being fearlessly led by a bunch of incompetent, greedy and irresponsible twats."

Tuesday, 10 July 2012

Gove Destroys Education In Britain.

By any measure Michael Gove is an idiot whose every thought is driven by a right-wing ideology that defies all common sense. He is, therefore, regarded by the Tories as a genius. Such a genius that he has contrived to give £2 million to create a new free school with only 37 pupils in a county, Suffolk, that already has so many schools that some are half-empty. In order to cover up his utter stupidity many of the documents covering this debacle have been kept from the public because revealing them is "not in the public interest." The truth, of course, is that revealing them is not in Michael Goves' interest. Meanwhile up to 40% of our state schools are in such a ruinous condition that they have to lay out pots and pans to catch the water when it rains while playgrounds have been given over to temporary buildings. The state of higher education is in an even more parlous condition as student numbers have collapsed since the coalition government seized power. While the number of those attending university has declined by nearly 10%, FE colleges have been virtually destroyed with one, City of Sunderland, recording a staggering decline in student numbers of 68.2%. In two years this egotistical moron, clutching his personally signed copy of the King James Bible, has manged to undermine education in Britain to such an extent that it will take decades to recover. No wonder he is tipped to be the next leader of the Tory party.

Monday, 9 July 2012

Tories Encourage Hospitals To Kill Elderly Patients.

Having successfully increased the suicide rate amongst the disabled, the Tory party has now managed to persuade hospitals to kill elderly patients to save even more money and fund their tax cuts for the rich. Starved of funds hospitals are desperately hastening the demise of elderly patients by denying them food and water. We asked a leading Tory spokesperson for the Party's reaction; "We're very proud that we can now off elderly peasants and save oodles of money to give to our rich mates. Of course this doesn't affect elderly rich people who have sufficient money to make sure they get the best of privatised care. This is confined to NHS patients who are, by definition, peasants and therefore don't count. Our next step will be euthenasia for all over-65 year olds who don't have at least £1 million in their offshore bank accounts. This will save not only on healthcare costs but also state pension payments. You have to be cruel to be kind and we are determined to be cruel to the peasants in order to be kind to wealthy people like me. After all we're all in this together."

Tory Nutters Stymie Lords Reform.

In a tremendous display of circular reasoning and spurious excuses Tory right-wing backbenchers , which is most of them, have launched a bid to scupper House of Lords reform. Led by the likes of Nicholas Soames, grandson of Sir Winston Churchill, they are "appalled" by the idea that a lucrative little earner when they retire may be taken off them. Hiding behind various spurious arguments about "democracy," something which every one of them would like to dispense with, the Tory backbenchers are also hoping to hand their LibDem coalition partners, something else they'd like to dispense with, a crushing defeat. In their usual way the Tories are hell bent of derailing reform in order to serve their own selfish ends and are cynically trying to manipulate public opinion against a long-overdue assault on their privileges. Far better, they tell us, to maintain this hang-over from the Medieval period - after all the rest of us are merely peasants and should do as we're told by the great and the good.

Sunday, 8 July 2012

Osborne Sneaks Off To Defend Banker's Rights.

Taking advantage of all the inconsequential sporting nonsense crowding out real news in Britain, Goeorge Osborne is sneaking out of the country this Tuesday to defend his banking pals from EU legislation. While even the "Financial Times" recognises that the banking industry is a swamp founded on sheer criminality and the "Economic Times" wonders why bankers haven't organised themselves like the Mafia, George Osborne is trying to defend banker's bonuses and trying to fight off banking reform. The EU is attempting to peg bonuses to a 1:1 ratio with actual pay - hardly a world shattering reform - but Osborne is trying to stop even that, arguing that reform is no way to reform the industry. He, apparently, believes that there should be some sort of self-regulation in which altruistic and honest bankers fix their own bonuses. In other words exactly the same system that has allowed bankers to seal money on an industrial scale and pauperise the rest of us for their own utterly selfish ends. Why would any sane politician do such a thing? Because Osborne, his fellow Tory gangsters and City bankers are all members of the same criminal fraternity. It is becoming increasingly clear that Britain does not have an economy, it has a criminal conspiracy and Osborne is determined that the City, a den of thieves by any reckoning, must be protected at all costs. In many ways its a pity that Osborne and his banking pals are not organised like the Mafia as the "Economic Times" suggests - at least then we might look forward to them machine-gunning each other in dark cellars every now and again.

Saturday, 7 July 2012

Is The Hosepipe Ban Over Yet?

The Tory plan to hold the British people hostage and make them watch the Olympics whether they want to or not has gone spectacularly wrong as the country disappears into the North Sea under the onslaught from the summer monsoon. Although the European football was always doomed to be a disappointment, with Andy Murray in the men's final at Wimbledon during Diamond Jubilee year and the usual excitement surrounding the British Grand Prix, the Tories should have it made with diversions that any political party would die for. Unfortunately it has all gone pear-shaped as England left the European Cup in the usual penalty shoot-out, the Jubilee celebrations became a very damp squib, Andy Murray has been forced to play under a roof and the Grand Prix has become an exercise in aqua-planing. Now the Tories are regretting making foreign holidays out of reach for most of us as those with no interest in pointless sporting-fests are forced indoors and switch to news channels out of sheer boredom. Worse yet, as far as the water companies are concerned, the proof that this island can never be seriously considered to be in a drought is now being beamed directly into our front rooms. What will come next from these greedy utility companies - accusations that we are stealing their water by selfishly storing it in our back gardens and living rooms?

Osborne Shoots Himself In The Foot.

When the LIBOR fixing scandal hit the front pages George Osborne began immediately to take action. Unfortunately he did not swing into action as a Chancellor should - trying to get to the bottom of the wrong-doing and put a stop to it - he swung into action as the unthinking, knee-jerk reacting Tory numbskull that he always was. Acting on an unfounded whisper that Ed Balls was somehow involved in the scandal and without bothering to check his facts he launched a campaign of vilification against his rival that came unstuck before it even began. While Bob Diamond made it crystal clear that he felt no pressure from either Ed Balls or Gordon Brown, George Osborne was feverishly trying to dig up dirt against the Labour party amongst leading City officials. What he found was nothing. With little choice he started to back-pedal like mad, trying to make out that he hadn't actually accused Ed Balls of anything, despite the fact that it was in black and white in the "Spectator." Now David Cameron has distanced himself, recognising that Osborne's attacks were motivated by personal animosity and have no foundation in truth. Senior Tories are distancing themselves as well, making it clear that Osborne is now regarded as an idiot and a liability to his party. Yet, as Tories have told the "Guardian", George Osborne still doesn't realise how spectacularly wrong his attack has gone. If the ridiculous budget and the numerous u-turns he's been forced into were not bad enough, this ill-considered campaign has now finally revealed Osborne for what he is - a spoilt rich brat without a brain in his head.

Friday, 6 July 2012

Economists Re-Discover The Keynes Boson.

In a parallel discovery to that at CERN it is reported that economists have rediscovered the fabled Keynes Boson - the particle that imparts integrity into the banking universe. Named after the economist John Maynard Keynes, the Keynes Boson has always been known to exist but was replaced, in theoretical economics, by the Hyek Boson in 1979 in order to release the immense energy contained within the criminality nucleus. Theoretical economists have long known that the Hyek Boson has no foundation in reality but presented it as an alternative to wealthy politicians looking to avoid the black hole of taxation for themselves and their rich mates. Heralded as a great success when introduced by Margaret Thatcher, the Hyek Boson not only dispenses with the need for integrity in banking, it also completely dispenses with the need for fairness. Unfortunately the Hyek Boson also has the disastrous side effect that has been largely ignored for 30 years - it unravels economic reality and turns banks into super-massive black holes from which nothing can escape - especially light. The rediscovery of the Keynes Boson has not been universally welcomed and we asked George Osborne, an enthusiastic believer in the Hyek Boson, for his reaction; "Its a bleeding disaster. How the hell can I protect my money from the taxation black hole if fairness is restored to the economic universe? What is needed is a new meeting of the G20 so the Keynes Boson can be undiscovered once and for all."

Tuesday, 3 July 2012

Diamond Jumps Before Being Pushed.

Bob Diamond has at last seen that his position as CEO of Barclay's Bank is no longer tenable. He is now contemplating his next big challenge - how much of a golden handshake can he glum out of the petty cash? No doubt the sum involved will be what the rest of us would regard as a lottery win. Meanwhile George Osborne has asked Labour to "see sense" and stop demanding a full judicial review of the banking industry. "What we need now are some rushed and ill-considered reforms that will achieve nothing and allow banks to continue their criminal activities behind a convenient fig leaf. Wealthy people like me still need the banks to be closed to close scrutiny so we can dodge the taxes that Finance Ministers like me make other people pay. There is no alternative....We're all in this together....Big Society, etc, etc. You get the picture." Of course a full judicial review might also uncover some other "unfortunate" truths, such as the billions of pounds that British banks have happily laundered for various criminal regimes across the world. We might, for instance, learn how one of Colonel Gadaffi's sons was able to buy a £10 million mansion in London (complete with home cinema and private nightclub) on a declared income of less than £30,000 a year or how the £3 billion stolen from Libya as Tripoli fell ended up in the British Virgin Isles.

Monday, 2 July 2012

Barclays Investigates What It Actually Does.

Barclays Bank has promised a "root and branch" investigation into how they do business. "Anything to keep attention away from the top of the tree," Bob Diamond told our reporter today. "It's a good thing anyway since I haven't got a clue what we do here or why." Meanwhile the government is insisting that no further public enquiry is needed. "We already know they're a bunch of crooks so what's the point?" David Cameron told our reporter. "However, while all bankers are crooks, not all crooks are bankers and we need to know why. What is it about banking that attracts some crooks and not others? Why aren't more of them attracted the politics where they're really needed? I believe it may be a matter of renumeration. Perhaps if the Prime Minister was paid £17 million a year like Bob Diamond then we'd get the calibre of crook in politics that Britain deserves. These are the fundamental questions that urgently need answering."

Police Appeal To Rioters For Help.

The police have today issued an urgent appeal to all would-be rioters. Outlining the causes and course of last years riots, they have come to the conclusion that they didn't have enough officers to cope - a situation that has now been made infinitely worse because of the recent government spending cuts. "What we need is another round of rioting to frighten the politicians into restoring our budget," the police source told our reporter. "We are appealing to all hoodies, Anarchists and gangsters to get out on the streets and help us out here. Of course the summer monsoon isn't helping matters, but as soon as we get a spell of good weather we need them out on the streets pronto." We asked a leading Anarchist for his view; "How many times do I have to tell you, I'm not a leader. I'm a bleeding Anarchist and we don't have leaders. Sod the police - they've never helped us. Ask the hoodies - they're game for anything." Despite the appeal, however, police budgets remain under threat and the rioters have been put off by the weather. We next turned to the government for their view of the situation and a spokesperson told us, "Riots? What riots?"

Liam Fox Urges Economic Suicide.

In a speech intended to herald his political comeback and stab his leader between the shoulder blades, Liam Fox has called for a referendum on Britain's membership of the EU. "We in the Tory party have already come a long way in destroying the British economy, but I strongly believe that the British people themselves should have the opportunity to pass the death sentence on it," he told reporters today. "As the party tnat believes that unthinking prejudice, especially when directed at Johnny Foreigner, is the best basis for policy decision-making it is only right that we should ask those least qualified to make the final judgement and no one is least qualified than your average British voter. The last thing we need now is cool heads and a sensible outlook. If we, as a nation, are to enter into a mutual suicide pact then we should do it togther like the lemmings we are. This is Britain and we should not soil our hands with anything as sordid as trade - unless its arms manufacturing or banking of course." Meanwhile David Cameron, still staggering from this latest knife in the back, promised a referendum. "There will have to be a referendum soemtime in the next million years or so," he said. "However, what the question should actually be depends on what answer we want. It's no good having a straightforward in-or-out vote. That will only confuse the electorate and make it difficult for them to choose the answer we're looking for. What we need is a more obscure question that can be interpreted in the way we want."

Sunday, 1 July 2012

Neoliberalism Comes Of The Rails.

The idea of neoliberal economics seems to have run its course in Britain as the system it created is submerged under a tide of scandal and criminality. People are getting really, really tired of being pissed on and being then told its raining. The catalyst for the change in thinking that has taken place was the sheer criminal greed displayed by the banks who shouted loudly for deregulation and then indulged themselves in a law-breaking and common-sense-defying gambling spree that wrecked the world economy. The present scandal over the Libor is simply the tip of a very dirty iceberg and demonstrates quite clearly what the "News in Shorts" has been saying for some time - these people are criminals and should be thrown into prison where they belong. Despite the mounting evidence, however, the present government has tried to forcefeed the country with ever more unpalatable and ultimately self-defeating neoliberal nostrums. Fortunaterly there are growing signs that the tide is beginning to turn at last. After decades in which the Labour party seemed as much in thrall to the likes of Margaret Thatcher as the Tories themselves, socialist principles such as fairness and regulation are making a comeback. In London the council in Islington has refused to take advantage of Eric Pickles offer to allow them to hike council-house rents up to the astronomical levels charged by greedy private landlords and deny tenants any security of tenure. More telling still is that the Labour party is actively considering a renationalism of the railways, removing the private companies, who have plundered the transport system in their quest for ever-growing profits, once more from the equation. Only two years ago, under the shadow of Thatcher and the neoliberal economic nonsense, that would have been unthinkable. Hopefully it will only be a matter of time before the same sea-change happens with regard to the utilities - water, gas and electricity. Meanwhile the Tory party is descending into complete chaos as right-wingers continue to feed Cameron with soundbite policies that both terrify and disgust the electorate and George Osborne completes his latest u-turn, while the Chancellor now has a new nickname amongst Tory backbenchers - "Bastard."