Diamond Jumps Before Being Pushed.

Bob Diamond has at last seen that his position as CEO of Barclay's Bank is no longer tenable. He is now contemplating his next big challenge - how much of a golden handshake can he glum out of the petty cash? No doubt the sum involved will be what the rest of us would regard as a lottery win. Meanwhile George Osborne has asked Labour to "see sense" and stop demanding a full judicial review of the banking industry. "What we need now are some rushed and ill-considered reforms that will achieve nothing and allow banks to continue their criminal activities behind a convenient fig leaf. Wealthy people like me still need the banks to be closed to close scrutiny so we can dodge the taxes that Finance Ministers like me make other people pay. There is no alternative....We're all in this together....Big Society, etc, etc. You get the picture." Of course a full judicial review might also uncover some other "unfortunate" truths, such as the billions of pounds that British banks have happily laundered for various criminal regimes across the world. We might, for instance, learn how one of Colonel Gadaffi's sons was able to buy a £10 million mansion in London (complete with home cinema and private nightclub) on a declared income of less than £30,000 a year or how the £3 billion stolen from Libya as Tripoli fell ended up in the British Virgin Isles.

Barclays Investigates What It Actually Does.

Barclays Bank has promised a "root and branch" investigation into how they do business. "Anything to keep attention away from the top of the tree," Bob Diamond told our reporter today. "It's a good thing anyway since I haven't got a clue what we do here or why." Meanwhile the government is insisting that no further public enquiry is needed. "We already know they're a bunch of crooks so what's the point?" David Cameron told our reporter. "However, while all bankers are crooks, not all crooks are bankers and we need to know why. What is it about banking that attracts some crooks and not others? Why aren't more of them attracted the politics where they're really needed? I believe it may be a matter of renumeration. Perhaps if the Prime Minister was paid £17 million a year like Bob Diamond then we'd get the calibre of crook in politics that Britain deserves. These are the fundamental questions that urgently need answering."

Bob Diamond Clings To Life.

Bob Diamond has declared today that he will not resign and continues to insist that being a criminal or simply an incompetent is not grounds to part him from his £17 million a year. The manipulation of the Libor was the reckless action of a "small number" of employees and had nothing whatsoever to do with him. As for the £17 million a year, that is simply the sort of money that is needed to retain the services of a man who has no idea how a bank should actually work or what the people who work for him actually do. The Murdoch defence is certainly becoming very fashionable this year. His defence strains credibility but no more than his insistence that people like him are worth every penny they're paid. But what does strain credibility to the breaking point is his belief that we will swallow any self-serving tosh he cares to dole out. The arrogance of people like Mr.Diamond naturally knows no bounds, but it is their imbecility that really impresses. Who are these masters of the universe who cannot even master their own staff or the businesses they think they run and why are they paid so much for actually doing so little? Are they nothing but plausible conmen whose only real talent is that they can talk a good fight? Yes, apparently.