How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.
Monday, 2 July 2012
Barclays Investigates What It Actually Does.
Barclays Bank has promised a "root and branch" investigation into how they do business. "Anything to keep attention away from the top of the tree," Bob Diamond told our reporter today. "It's a good thing anyway since I haven't got a clue what we do here or why." Meanwhile the government is insisting that no further public enquiry is needed. "We already know they're a bunch of crooks so what's the point?" David Cameron told our reporter. "However, while all bankers are crooks, not all crooks are bankers and we need to know why. What is it about banking that attracts some crooks and not others? Why aren't more of them attracted the politics where they're really needed? I believe it may be a matter of renumeration. Perhaps if the Prime Minister was paid £17 million a year like Bob Diamond then we'd get the calibre of crook in politics that Britain deserves. These are the fundamental questions that urgently need answering."