How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.
Monday, 2 July 2012
Police Appeal To Rioters For Help.
The police have today issued an urgent appeal to all would-be rioters. Outlining the causes and course of last years riots, they have come to the conclusion that they didn't have enough officers to cope - a situation that has now been made infinitely worse because of the recent government spending cuts. "What we need is another round of rioting to frighten the politicians into restoring our budget," the police source told our reporter. "We are appealing to all hoodies, Anarchists and gangsters to get out on the streets and help us out here. Of course the summer monsoon isn't helping matters, but as soon as we get a spell of good weather we need them out on the streets pronto." We asked a leading Anarchist for his view; "How many times do I have to tell you, I'm not a leader. I'm a bleeding Anarchist and we don't have leaders. Sod the police - they've never helped us. Ask the hoodies - they're game for anything." Despite the appeal, however, police budgets remain under threat and the rioters have been put off by the weather. We next turned to the government for their view of the situation and a spokesperson told us, "Riots? What riots?"