The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Thursday, 19 July 2012

Cameron Raises Complacency To Government Policy.

While George Osborne is swanning about claiming that low interest rates are "benefitting" the poor through some mysterious mechanism that no one else can understand, David Cameron is gleefully predicting that austerity will last for another decade. "We have been completely surprised by the economy stubbornly refusing to react properly to our mystical and magical policies," he told our reporter. "We've tried everything that we tried in the 1930's and 1980's yet, despite repeating the same experiment, the result remains the same. I simply don't understand it. Still, I am confident that the British people understand that the pain is necessary if rich people are to remain rich and tax bills for the wealthy are to be reduced. We can still do really exciting conservative-like things such as stealing the NHS and giving it away to a bunch of incompetent money-grubbing morons in the private sector. The completely unexpected fall into a double-dip recession, which no one within the Tory party could have predicted, is unfortunate but since only the poor will have to pay for it that doesn't really matter. We have learned a valuable lesson from the failure of G4S over the Olympics - ignore reality, praise our wonderful armed forces and magnificent police force and everything will be all right. Now is not the time for asking awkward questions such as "Do you have any idea what the hell you're doing?" You must all pull together while we put our feet up. With that in mind I am completely confident that the Tory party will win an outright majority at the next election and be able to give the great British people the thorough beating they deserve. Don't forget, you're all in this together."

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