The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Saturday, 21 July 2012

Lord Coe "Olympics Are Now Safe."

Lord Coe, an important and gifted politician because he could run fast when he was young, has announced that the Olympic games in London will be secure. "Obviously they weren't secure before because we gave the contract for security to a dangerously inefficient and incompetent private sector company," he told our reporter. "Fortunately the public sector was able to provide the neccessary security at short notice despite the fact that we Tories have done our best to decimate it lately. All of this goes to prove that we are quite right in putting the interests of the private sector over those of the public sector which is, by and large, staffed by peasants. I now have complete confidence in Tory plans to privatise evreything including the NHS which, as you know, is safe in our hands. The most important thing is not that private companies can actually do the jobs they contract for but that they can glum money out of the public purse for doing as little as possible. Once that valuable principle is universally accepted I'm sure that Britain will be a better place - for me at any rate."

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