The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Friday, 27 July 2012

Cameron Pledges To "Finish The Country."

In a desperate attempt to sound Churchillian David Cameron has told the electorate that, if we were so stupid as to give him the tools, then he will "finish the job." With our economy shrinking faster than a slug on a barbecue it is difficult to understand what "job" Cameron thinks he's doing. So we asked him. "What people have to understand," he told our reporter after being wired up to a lie detector, "is that in a time of recession its very important to make sure that rich people like me don't suffer. We are the wealth creators as well as being the wealth hoarders and we need new laws that enable us to grab more and keep more while the peasants pay the bill. We have no plans for any u-turns on this since we are quite content with the existing arrangements. The present economic figures are disappointing, or they would be if I cared a toss about them. I'll still be rich whether I'm in or out of a job and will make absolutely sure that when this is all over, in maybe ten or twenty years, I'll be even richer than I am now. We are laying the foundations for a recovery that no one but people like me will benefit from, as is right and proper, and a new system that will allow us to cheat, steal and dodge paying taxes with even greater efficiency. Fortunately we now have a six week-window during which the peasants will be too busy staring at the Olympics to pay attention to what we're up to. As my hero, Winston Churchill, once said, "Never has so much been stolen from so many by so few and with such few consequencies." Makes you proud to be British doesn't it?"

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