Why Have Care Homes Been Denied Covid Tests?

Six months into the Covid-19 pandemic care homes are still not getting the testing kits promised by the slack-jawed Health Secretary Matt Hancock. Where care homes have received the kits many have not been collected for processing while 750,000 kits provided by Randox had to be recalled because of "safety concerns". We asked Matt Hancock for his response to this state of affairs. His brain was not available for comment but he was able to summon up enough complacency and Tory cliches to conduct an interview. "There are enough test kits for everyone displaying Covid-19 symptoms," he proudly announced, "and we are daily strengthening the protective ring we have cast around care homes". Asked why then so many care homes are not being provided with the necessary kits our reporter received a blank stare. "Protecting the elderly in care homes has always been our top priority," he eventually replied. Asked why, in which case, elderly patients with obvious Covid symptoms had been discharged from hospital back into care homes with no testing he answered, "We actually managed to reduce the number of people who were going from hospital into care homes, that number came down by around 40%." Taking advantage of the absence of Hancock's brain our reporter pressed him on this claim and asked why the other 60% were still being discharged into care homes and what had happened to the 40% who were not. "Oh well," Mr. Hancock replied, "the 40% reduction was achieved quite simply by placing non-resuscitating orders on patients aged over 60, while the 60% who were not obviously dying were returned without testing to make sure enough pensioners were infected and then died to fund the next round of tax cuts for our rich mates. We calculated that a 40% death rate would do nicely." Asked if this was not a little callous and constituted mass murder on an industrial scale Mr. Hancock declined to comment though he did manage a snigger.

Trump Warns That Biden Will "Demolish The American Nightmare".

President Trump, the man with the world's biggest mouth and smallest brain, has warned Americans that, if Joe Biden wins the election in November, America's four-year nightmare will be over. "The hoardes of gun-toting Nazi-inspired good Americans will be replaced by violent anarchists armed with vicious leaflets," he told the faithful. "Before you know it the Democrats will pass laws to make the wearing of masks mandatory in an insidious plan to save American lives. No 17-year-old armed with an assault rifle will be safe while blacks, hispanics and other assorted foreigners will no longer be content to be hunted in the streets. This election will decide whether we save the American dream," he said, "or whether we allow a socialist agenda to demolish our cherished destiny of becoming the people your grandfathers fought in World War II to defeat. Your vote will decide whether we protect law-abiding Americans such as Kyle Rittenhouse, or whether we give free rein to violent anarchists, agitators and criminals who threaten our citizens and insist on being shot just to annoy me. I ask you a very simple question" he added, "how can the Democrat party ask to lead our country when it spends so much time tearing down our country while everyone knows we can do a much better job? In the left's backward view, they do not see America as the most free, just and exceptional nation on earth, a country where you are free to infect your neighbours with a deadly disease, where justice eminates from a gun barrel rather than in the courts and where you are able to be as execeptionally stupid as you've always wanted to be."

Chris Grayling and the Vexed Question of Intelligence.

Chris Grayling, the most supid man in the Tory party, has resigned his seat on the intelligence committee after his failed attempt to become it's chairman in what was supposed to be a rigged election. "I'm not used to failure," Mr.Grayling told our reporter. "After my resounding triumphs in collapsing the Northern and Thameslink rail services, granting of a no-deal Brexit ferry contract to a company with no ships and privatising the probabtion service so that it could no longer function I expected more support from my Tory colleagues - especially since Boris promised me my election was guaranteed." When asked if this wasn't somewhat undemocractic Mr. Grayling replied. "Too bloody right it was. What's the point of an election if it can't be rigged? If a democracy can't compete with even a banana republic in the bribery and corruption stakes what's the point of politics? I was all set to censor any mention of Russian inteference in the Brexit referendum and then this happens. Vladimir was absolutely incandescent and has threatened to put a stop to any further contributions to the Tory party if we don't get our act together." Asked whether this wasn't sort of treasonous the former transport minister and justice secretary replied; "What are you talking about man? If it's good for the Tory party then it's good for the country - everyone knows that otherwise we wouldn't have an overwhelming majority of 43% of the electorate behind us." Asked if this, again, wasn't rather undemocractic, Mr.Grayling looked aghast. "Look you silly man, it is absolutely necessary that the right people are in power otherwise any fool could be Prime Minister rather than a Tory fool which would be disastrous in terms of Britain's main concern - offshore banking and tax avoidance. You'll be telling me next that our esteemed leader, Dominic Cummings, should stand for election. I mean how would we rig an election like that?"

Sicknote Boris and the Art of U-Turns

There are rumblings in the Tory party that the constant u-turns of the government are undermining public confidence and, more importantly, embarassing Tory MP's who normally have a high tolerance for such things. Most Tories are not too bothered about food banks, homelessness, Brexit or killing old people in care homes - these can easily be turned aside with a touch of complacency, lies and blaming the victims. What does embarass them, however, is having their complacency, lies and victim blaming turned on their heads every couple of hours. This makes defending government policy "increasingly difficult" according to Charles Walker, deputy chair of the 1922 Committee. "Too often it looks like this government licks its finger and sticks it in the air to see which way the wind is blowing," he added, "when what we should be doing is sticking that finger in someone's eye - espacially if that someone is Jeremy Corbyn". He was particularly incensed by the u-turn performed with relation to A level and GCSE exam results. "We had a perfectly good system for exagerating results at Eton and Harrow and depressing those from the schools that the plebs attend. This seems to have upset the parents of these future second class subjects of the Empire for some unfathomable reason and Gavin Williamson immediately did a screeching u-turn instead of building a mealy-bag redoubt with a decent firing step. If Boris was half the bastard he wants to be he would have put up two fingers to the mutinous parents and threatened them with the prospect of a Bolshevik government under that new leader of the Labour party - whatever his name is. If Boris doesn't man up soon I'm afraid we'll have to replace him with a more powerful and forceful statesman such as Michael Gove, Jacob Rees-Mogg or Chris Grayling."

Anti-Vaxxers Disappear Up Their Own Theories.

Wew are awash with anti-vaxxer fake news at the moment. Their theories on why vaccination is a bad idea seem to fall into several categories - that encouraging the over-65's to be vaccinated against Covid-19 is a plot to steralise them - that encouraging younger people to be vaccinated is a plot so they can be tracked wherever they go even as they spend all day and night texting on their mobile phones - that vaccinations are a plot by eugenicicsts to weaken our immune system and wipe us all out. The latest piece of horseshit from these people is that Henry Kissinger told the WHO “Council on Eugenics” in 2009 that vaccines could be used to control the human population. Except that Kissinger never said anything of the kind at such a meeting because the WHO "Council on Eugenics" doesn't actually exist. Many of the people pedling this nonsense are worried that their children will be harmed by vaccination, despite the fact that they themselves were vaccinated against rubella, polio, TB, whooping cough, mumps and meningitis and lived long enough to have children sterilization not withstanding. So what kind of people are spreading this idiocy? The answer is quite simple - idiots. Addicted the conspiracy theories that one moment's thought would dismiss as utter lunacy, these people are convinced that the most inept UK government in our history, unable to master a track and trace system that all of Europe has no problem with, is trying to kill, sterilize or track them by implanting devices in their bodies. If they had leaped upon the Tory's "herd immunity" it would be understandable since that particular idea was probably one of the most stupid in British history (along with the economic suicide of Brexit). They failed to do so because this merely demonstrated that the Tory government is little more than a collection of complete morons. They prefer to believe that Boris Johnson and his boss, Dominique Cummins, are super-villains rather than the dickheads that they are.