Sicknote Boris and the Art of U-Turns

There are rumblings in the Tory party that the constant u-turns of the government are undermining public confidence and, more importantly, embarassing Tory MP's who normally have a high tolerance for such things. Most Tories are not too bothered about food banks, homelessness, Brexit or killing old people in care homes - these can easily be turned aside with a touch of complacency, lies and blaming the victims. What does embarass them, however, is having their complacency, lies and victim blaming turned on their heads every couple of hours. This makes defending government policy "increasingly difficult" according to Charles Walker, deputy chair of the 1922 Committee. "Too often it looks like this government licks its finger and sticks it in the air to see which way the wind is blowing," he added, "when what we should be doing is sticking that finger in someone's eye - espacially if that someone is Jeremy Corbyn". He was particularly incensed by the u-turn performed with relation to A level and GCSE exam results. "We had a perfectly good system for exagerating results at Eton and Harrow and depressing those from the schools that the plebs attend. This seems to have upset the parents of these future second class subjects of the Empire for some unfathomable reason and Gavin Williamson immediately did a screeching u-turn instead of building a mealy-bag redoubt with a decent firing step. If Boris was half the bastard he wants to be he would have put up two fingers to the mutinous parents and threatened them with the prospect of a Bolshevik government under that new leader of the Labour party - whatever his name is. If Boris doesn't man up soon I'm afraid we'll have to replace him with a more powerful and forceful statesman such as Michael Gove, Jacob Rees-Mogg or Chris Grayling."