Six months into the Covid-19 pandemic care homes are still not getting the testing kits promised by the slack-jawed Health Secretary Matt Hancock. Where care homes have received the kits many have not been collected for processing while 750,000 kits provided by Randox had to be recalled because of "safety concerns". We asked Matt Hancock for his response to this state of affairs. His brain was not available for comment but he was able to summon up enough complacency and Tory cliches to conduct an interview. "There are enough test kits for everyone displaying Covid-19 symptoms," he proudly announced, "and we are daily strengthening the protective ring we have cast around care homes". Asked why then so many care homes are not being provided with the necessary kits our reporter received a blank stare. "Protecting the elderly in care homes has always been our top priority," he eventually replied. Asked why, in which case, elderly patients with obvious Covid symptoms had been discharged from hospital back into care homes with no testing he answered, "We actually managed to reduce the number of people who were going from hospital into care homes, that number came down by around 40%." Taking advantage of the absence of Hancock's brain our reporter pressed him on this claim and asked why the other 60% were still being discharged into care homes and what had happened to the 40% who were not. "Oh well," Mr. Hancock replied, "the 40% reduction was achieved quite simply by placing non-resuscitating orders on patients aged over 60, while the 60% who were not obviously dying were returned without testing to make sure enough pensioners were infected and then died to fund the next round of tax cuts for our rich mates. We calculated that a 40% death rate would do nicely." Asked if this was not a little callous and constituted mass murder on an industrial scale Mr. Hancock declined to comment though he did manage a snigger.
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