The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Thursday, 12 July 2012

Will G4S Give Us Our Money Back?

Unable, because of public pressure, to use slave labour drawn from the unemployed G4S has announced that they cannot fulfill their £294 million contract. "We're very sorry about this," a G4S spokesperson told our reporter, "but thanks for all the money. The problem was that we simply couldn't find enough people willing to work for nothing while living in a muddy field with no toilet facilities. That's the trouble with British people, they're greedy and have a misplaced sense of entitlement." We asked a Treasury spokesman about a possible refund of taxpayers money. "There has been a technical breach of contract," the government spokesperson told us, "but they are a private company and are entitled to public money for doing nothing under provisions for outdoor relief to multi-millionaires. We feel that Labour is simply trying to make political capital out of this and spoil the Olympics for the ordinary hard-working people of this country some of whom have tickets under the "Olympics for the Peasants" inintiative. The army have bravely stepped into the breach even though most of them will be sacked immediately afterwards. We feel that this a triumph of privatisation and are proud to be associated with a company that is being fearlessly led by a bunch of incompetent, greedy and irresponsible twats."

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