Cameron Pledges £80 Million For The Rio Games.

David Cameron, desperate to milk the Olympics for all its worth, has pledged an extra £80 million for the next games in Rio de Janeiro. "Fortunately," he told our reporter, "we had most of the money put by after we forced the South London Healthcare into bankruptcy. We think that this will be money well spent and will improve the health of the nation as a whole. Now people will be able to watch a small number of elite athelites getting even healthier and indulge their desire to watch other people running, jumping and throwing things while swilling beer and stuffing their faces with burgers. This is what we Tories mean by a "health dividend" - it will certainly make the profits of some of our corporate donators a lot healthier. And, lets face it, £80 million is nothing really - a few thousand extra houses, a few public sector jobs or one or two hospitals. Small price to pay for the chance to show off in front of other countries like France and Russia who didn't get as many gold medals as team GB. That's what I love about the British - they're so stupid that don't even know when they're being taken for a ride and so obssessed by sport that can't concentrate on anything else."

Cameron Orders Children To Run On The Spot.

David Cameron, having finally mastered a determined look, has told teachers that he expects all primary school children to endure at least two hours of exercise every day. Looking to capitalise on the present national obsession with other people running, jumping and throwing things, he wants to at least appear to give a toss about ordinary children. Not so much, however, that he will stop flogging off school playing fields to his wealthy property speculating mates. "Children don't need playing fields," he told our reporter wearing his new determined face. "What they need to do is run on the spot for two hours every day so that when they grow up they'll be too exhausted to worry what we are up to. Running on the spot is good exercise and has the added benefit of not taking up much room - room that is needed for grouse moors and open countryside so that we toffs can murder innocent animals while on horseback. When these children grow up they can they concentrate all their efforts into making money for us to steal and, if they're very lucky, make enough to join our club. We have to get rid of the "all must have prizes" culture and replace it with the good old-fashioned "only toffs must have prizes" culture. There is nothing wrong with elitism - especially if, like me, you're born to it. After all we need losers to show the rest of the world that we are winners."

Tories Empty London

Even during the height of the Blitz in 1940 the streets of London remained as busy as ever during the day but the Tories have managed to do what even Hitler failed to do - they have all but emptied London. As many as 1.5 million people have arranged to work from home during the Olympics. Many of these people are Civil Servants but by far the largest number come from the banking industry. Most of these people will, of course, spend their days watching the Olympics - which just goes to show how needed these people really are - and partake in the feckless behaviour that they would like to believe that the unemployed and disabled indulge in. What is even more shocking, however, is that during the most prestigious sporting event in the world tourism is at an all-time low. Cafes, bars and hotels are virtually empty as people, especially foreign tourists, stay away in droves. How did this happen? The rot began to set in last summer when the riots that spread across London and the rest of the country showed the whole world that Tory cuts to the police force were an out-and-out disaster. Things got even worse when the Tories deliberately picked a fight with transport workers in London and brought on the threat of strike action during the Olympics. Then there was the pictures of huge queues at British airports as the Tories dismantled the Border Agency. Finally there was the debacle caused by the utter failure of G4S to provide the security they had contracted for at the Olympics themselves. The message sent out by the Tories to the rest of the world was clear - Britain is a dangerous place, is on the brink of revolution and is run by a bunch of ideologically driven morons who couldn't run a booze up in a brewery.

Tory Ideology Reveals Its Essential Insanity.

The sheer insanity that lies at the heart of Tory ideology becomes more and more obvious every day. Figures out today are widely expected to show that Britain is still firmly in recession - something that is of no surprise to anyone except for David Cameron and George Osborne. "Outsourcing" of security at all levels in Britain is to continue despite the utter incompetence of companies like G4S who literally couldn't find their arses with both hands. Meanwhile, as the Border Agency struggles with cuts to its staff and threatens strike action during the Olympics out of a sense of sheer survival, news breaks that an 11-year old boy was able to fly to Rome without a passport, bording pass or even a ticket. Having vented their spleen on ordinary people in this country for not being as posh as themselves, the Tories have also continued to persecute the vulnerable while their rich pals are allowed to be as greedy, evil and stupid as they like. The Olympic venue cost a cool £7 billion while, at the same time, the Tories flatly refuse to build badly needed housing because they fear that an increased supply might affect their own property values. The truth is that the Tories are entirely selfish and are incapable of governing the country in the interests of anyone but themselves and those rich enough to be considered "one of them." They like to point the finger and accuse trade unions and the Labour party of promoting class warfare when they have the temerity to fight back, but the working class are nothing but amateurs when compared to these class warriors who hate everyone who is not "them."

Lord Coe "Olympics Are Now Safe."

Lord Coe, an important and gifted politician because he could run fast when he was young, has announced that the Olympic games in London will be secure. "Obviously they weren't secure before because we gave the contract for security to a dangerously inefficient and incompetent private sector company," he told our reporter. "Fortunately the public sector was able to provide the neccessary security at short notice despite the fact that we Tories have done our best to decimate it lately. All of this goes to prove that we are quite right in putting the interests of the private sector over those of the public sector which is, by and large, staffed by peasants. I now have complete confidence in Tory plans to privatise evreything including the NHS which, as you know, is safe in our hands. The most important thing is not that private companies can actually do the jobs they contract for but that they can glum money out of the public purse for doing as little as possible. Once that valuable principle is universally accepted I'm sure that Britain will be a better place - for me at any rate."

Private Sector Efficiency.

According to the Tories and other neoliberal morons throughout the world, it is a well known "fact" that private enterprise is more efficient than the public sector. The proof of this can be seen everywhere you look. How bad would the railways be if it wasn't for a whole bunch of people diverting money from services into private offshore banks for instance? How expensive would gas and electricity be if it wasn't for those same people siphoning off the profits into the those same offshore banks? How would the water companies have achieved water shortages in an island that is in a state of almost continual flooding? A clue might be seen in the latest scandal surrounding G4S. Highly paid executives, it turns out, had no idea that there would be a manpower shortage at the Olympics until a few days ago. Nor could they guarantee how many of the people they did manage to recruit and train could actually speak English. The security boss and executive in charge of stating the bleeding obvious at G4S, Nick Buckles, told the BBC that he had "underestimated the task of supplying staff to the Olympics". The reason for this is quite evident - he's an overpaid and incompetent twat. And that is where the neoliberal belief in the efficiency of the private sector falls short - it fails to take into account the sheer idiocy of executives whose only ineterest in life is getting their hands on as much easy money as possible. Greed is not good, it is simply a character flaw and is usually accompanied by other flaws such as stupidity and arrogance. In short neoliberalism is a simple theory that appeals only to simpletons and nowhere will you find a greater concentration of simpletons than in the Tory party.

Will G4S Give Us Our Money Back?

Unable, because of public pressure, to use slave labour drawn from the unemployed G4S has announced that they cannot fulfill their £294 million contract. "We're very sorry about this," a G4S spokesperson told our reporter, "but thanks for all the money. The problem was that we simply couldn't find enough people willing to work for nothing while living in a muddy field with no toilet facilities. That's the trouble with British people, they're greedy and have a misplaced sense of entitlement." We asked a Treasury spokesman about a possible refund of taxpayers money. "There has been a technical breach of contract," the government spokesperson told us, "but they are a private company and are entitled to public money for doing nothing under provisions for outdoor relief to multi-millionaires. We feel that Labour is simply trying to make political capital out of this and spoil the Olympics for the ordinary hard-working people of this country some of whom have tickets under the "Olympics for the Peasants" inintiative. The army have bravely stepped into the breach even though most of them will be sacked immediately afterwards. We feel that this a triumph of privatisation and are proud to be associated with a company that is being fearlessly led by a bunch of incompetent, greedy and irresponsible twats."

Benefits Claimant Sets Fire To Himself.

Two people were left fuming outside of government buildings yesterday, both desperate for someone to notice them. The first was Hugh Robertson, the government Olympics Minister, who had forgotten his security pass. The second was an unnamed benefits claimant outside the Jobcentre in Selly Oak Birmingham who had been left without money after being declared fit for work and his dasablement entitlement was withdrawn. Hugh Robertson reacted by throwing a tantrum and telling the security guards, “I’m the Olympics minister. You should damn well know who I am,” and “I’m on the television all the time.” It was a display of typical Tory arrogance and simply demonstrated that Mr. Hughs is not as famous or as important as he likes to imagine. The second, unknown, man was a little more dramatic in his reaction and far more desperate - he set fire to himself. The first was miffed because his dignity had been pricked, for the second it was literally a matter of life and death. While the rest of the country is preparing to watch the Olympics on their goggle-boxes, and various rich and over-privileged nonentities show off by actually going to the games, many people in this country are looking forward to destitution and a life sleeping rough on the streets. While bankers lie, cheat, steal and quaff their champagne and politicians lie, cheat, steal and quaff their champagne, ordinary people are being driven to suicide. Is this the price that Cameron tells us is worth paying to save the banks from themselves?

Olympic VIP's To Be "Fast-Tracked" By The NHS.

Olympic VIP's who happen to fall ill or suffer and accident during the games will be "fast-tracked" by London A&E departments to make sure that they are treated within 30 minutes. The arrangement, which has been vigorously denied by the government, is reported "to be in force" at all the designated hospitals and is designed to make sure that rich, important people jump the queue ahead of those tax-payers who finance the NHS. "Of course this is nonsense," Andrew Lansley told our reporter. "Rich and important people have always been able to jump the queue ahead of the peasants. That's how it should be in any modern democracy where privatisation is king. You can't expect rich people, with their natural superiority, to wait around in a hospital corridor on a trolly for hours on end with working-class scum - especially if they're connected with sport in some way. It's inhuman and would embarass the government no end."