The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Sunday, 12 August 2012

Cameron Pledges £80 Million For The Rio Games.

David Cameron, desperate to milk the Olympics for all its worth, has pledged an extra £80 million for the next games in Rio de Janeiro. "Fortunately," he told our reporter, "we had most of the money put by after we forced the South London Healthcare into bankruptcy. We think that this will be money well spent and will improve the health of the nation as a whole. Now people will be able to watch a small number of elite athelites getting even healthier and indulge their desire to watch other people running, jumping and throwing things while swilling beer and stuffing their faces with burgers. This is what we Tories mean by a "health dividend" - it will certainly make the profits of some of our corporate donators a lot healthier. And, lets face it, £80 million is nothing really - a few thousand extra houses, a few public sector jobs or one or two hospitals. Small price to pay for the chance to show off in front of other countries like France and Russia who didn't get as many gold medals as team GB. That's what I love about the British - they're so stupid that don't even know when they're being taken for a ride and so obssessed by sport that can't concentrate on anything else."

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