The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Thursday, 16 August 2012

David Willetts Welcomes The Latest Batch Of Geniuses.

David Willetts, the Minister of State for Universities and Science, has written in the "Guardian" today about his joy at the latest "A" level results. "There is little doubt," he told our reporter, "that this government, especially the Tory bit, has been responsible for one of the greatest evolutionary advances in the history of the human race. Modern British teenagers are now the most intelligent humans that have ever walked the planet. In the two years that we have been in power we have made a quantum leap forward in trems of education that puts Labour's progress in the shade. Almost every child taking "A" levels today is an out-and-out genius and are on a par with Einstein, Mozart and Leonardo Da Vinci. Now if we can only teach them the difference between their, there and they're we'll have it made." Meanwhile hat manufacturers have registered their total amazement at the sudden rise in the demand for large sizes. "Some of these kids have brains the size of the Head Mekon," one spokesman told us, revealing both his age and his propensity for collecting old issues of the "Eagle.". "I for one fully expect that this generation will solve problems like world hunger, the energy crisis, global warming, life, the universe and everything in very short order."

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