The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Wednesday, 9 October 2013

Badgers Outwit The Tories.

The Tories are disarray today as they find that they have been outwitted by the badgers who have simply refused to cooperate in their own murder. Despite recalculating the number of badgers downwards and despite sending out the SAS to track the badgers and then gun them down, the government has still failed to reach its hoped-for body count. The Environment Secretary, Owen Patterson, has complained that "The badgers are moving the goalposts" suggesting a level of cunning that the Minister and his cabinet colleagues can only envy and aspire to. We asked our contact amongst the badgers, Brock, for his view; "I can't say that it's great fun being hunted by gun-toting swivel-eyed loons, but avoiding them is a bit of a laugh. Most of them seem to have difficulty hitting moving targets despite us having a dirty great white stripe on our heads. Their attempts to persuade us to surrender and stand still aren't getting them very far either and our refusal to wear a big red spot pinned to our fur has them hopping about in frustration. You wait until we mount our counter-offensive, that should be a giggle." We asked the Minister what he intends to do about this embarrassing stand off; "Flame throwers are our preferred option at this time, either that or napalm. We are also in advanced negotiations with various parish councils to see if they'll agree to a tactical nuclear strike followed up with an armoured thrust as a flanking manoeuvre. What we are really worried about now is suicide bombing badgers but I am determined that a bunch of animal terrorists will not win the day."

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