The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Tuesday, 29 October 2013

Osborne Fails To Close Tax Loopholes Again.

George Osborne, the world's worst financial expert, has again conveniently failed to close yet another tax loophole. His apparent bid to raise £3.2 billion by way of a tax levy on Swiss bank accounts has brought in only £443 million as the tax avoiders, given ample warning by Osborne himself, have moved their stolen fortunes to other tax havens. Many of these other tax havens, such as Belize, Jersey and Bermuda, are British-run one way or the other and are, therefore, completely beyond the reach of the British government. George Osborne is said to be utterly devastated by this unfortunate turn of events and has been heard to explain that it all happened because tax avoiders are just too clever for him and have the uncanny ability to anticipate his every move after he tells them what he's going to do. "Their intelligence network is very sophisticated," he told our reporter. "Many of them own television sets and watch the BBC on a regular basis especially when I am bellowing my intentions from the rooftops. I've even moved my own fortune to another tax haven after I accidentally tipped myself of. It's all very disheartening." We asked a tax avoider who recently moved his own fortune out of Switzerland for his view; "It was a narrow escape I can tell you. If George hadn't broadcast his policy well in advance I might have been caught out. Fortunately, like many of my rich pals, I'm not stone deaf and can take a hint when I hear one. I just feel sorry for all the little people who failed to have rich ancestors and who can't move their fortunes about because they haven't got one to move."

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