The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Saturday, 26 October 2013

Cameron Urges Us To Keep His Mates Rich.

David Cameron, shown above keeping warm this winter, has urged us all to keep our homes nice and cosy warm until next spring. "No one should be afraid to heat their home this winter," he told our reporter in an exclusive interview for the News in Shorts. "I advise people to heat one room at a time and wrap up in as many jumpers as they can." We asked the Prime Minister about the cost and the fact that many people simply can't afford to use their heating. "I'm very sympathetic, as you would expect from a warm-hearted Tory like me, but such people have to think about the wider picture. If they don't use their heating how will my mates at the energy companies pay their bonuses this year? Not burning gas and electricity this winter is positively unpatriotic if you ask me." We next asked why he refuses to stand up to the energy companies. "I often do, proposing toasts to them at the various nosh-ups they give as part of their "lobbying" activities. I've told them straight that they can't keep putting prices up unless they push some of it our way in the form of "donations" and, I must say, this system seems to be working quite satisfactorily." Encouraged by the PM's candour so far in the interview we next asked about the danger that many old people will die from the cold this winter. "I don't know any old people facing that danger this winter, do you?" he asked us in return. "I think the danger has been grossly exaggerated. I know one little old lady - I won't say who - who lives in several 200 bedroomed properties and she seems to have no problem paying her heating bills even though she has several Corgis to feed. Now I know that there are a few old codgers who used to be in what we called "the working class" but they are a vanishing minority and we are confident that long before the election in 1915 they'll be completely extinct. But I'm not an unrealistic or harsh man and I suggest they dig out their old mink coats, fox fur stoles and fur-lined riding boots to keep warm. Or perhaps they should do what I do and go to their villas in the south of France or Spain for the winter. Look at me. I'm not rich - I'm down to my last £10 million - and I'm not worried."

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