MP's Put Differences Aside To Defend Their Right To Plunder The Public Purse.

MP's from all parties serving on the Commons Lack Of Standards Committee have put aside their arguments as to whether it is moral to freeze pensioners to death this winter in order to defend their right to steal public money. The Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority (Ipsa)has ruled that claiming for such expenses as food, tea and biscuits, hotel accommodation, taxi fares, content insurance for a second home and a TV for their second home plus an 11% pay rise is a bit much. The MP's on the committee, however, are howling with indignation at this attack on their living standards. "Falling living standards are for the plebs only," one of the committee told our reporter. "How can we demonstrate our innate superiority over the mugs who pay our wages if we can't maintain our wealth at their expense? That's what Parliament is for - to provide the necessary democratic legitimacy for us to shove our snouts in the trough. What good is democracy if it can't provide a bunch of bone idle over-educated scroungers with a free lunch or three? I mean, what self respecting banking executive wouldn't book himself into a five star hotel less than 100 yards from his second home bought by the taxpayer if he didn't get the chance?" We asked a government spokesman for the coalition's view; "It's nothing to do with us mate. We have absolutely no control over what we decide to glum out of the public purse. That's what committees are for - to provide the necessary democratic legitimacy for us to shove our snouts in the trough without having to worry about what the plebs - sorry, the electorate - think."

MP's: "Give Us A Pay Rise Or We'll Steal The Money Anyway".

The Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority (IPSA) has warned that if MP's are not allowed an inflation-busting 10% pay rise then they will have no choice but to steal the money instead. "It's a tragedy just waiting to happen," an IPSA spokesconman told our reporter. "Times are tough what with the economy being forced into a completely unwarranted recession by one group of MP's while the rest sit on their hands and do absolutely nothing about the situation. Under these circumstances MP's have no choice but to drown their sorrows in the public purse, or the trough as we like to call it. The only alternative is to pad out expense accounts like they have in the past. You can see the problem can't you? MP's must either steal money one way or be forced into stealing it in another. Important people like MP's shouldn't be forced into criminality simply because the public refuse to indulge their greed which, as everyone knows, is good. The worst thing for Parliament at the moment would be yet another scandal. MP's are delicate flowers who get very upset when they get caught doing something criminal and its our public duty to protect them from that kind of stress. Money has always proven to be an effective cure all for politicians and its important that lots of public money should always be available to attract the right kind of self-serving spivs and conmen into Parliament."