MP's: "Give Us A Pay Rise Or We'll Steal The Money Anyway".

The Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority (IPSA) has warned that if MP's are not allowed an inflation-busting 10% pay rise then they will have no choice but to steal the money instead. "It's a tragedy just waiting to happen," an IPSA spokesconman told our reporter. "Times are tough what with the economy being forced into a completely unwarranted recession by one group of MP's while the rest sit on their hands and do absolutely nothing about the situation. Under these circumstances MP's have no choice but to drown their sorrows in the public purse, or the trough as we like to call it. The only alternative is to pad out expense accounts like they have in the past. You can see the problem can't you? MP's must either steal money one way or be forced into stealing it in another. Important people like MP's shouldn't be forced into criminality simply because the public refuse to indulge their greed which, as everyone knows, is good. The worst thing for Parliament at the moment would be yet another scandal. MP's are delicate flowers who get very upset when they get caught doing something criminal and its our public duty to protect them from that kind of stress. Money has always proven to be an effective cure all for politicians and its important that lots of public money should always be available to attract the right kind of self-serving spivs and conmen into Parliament."

How Much Is An MP Worth?

Its tough being an MP nowadays. Gone are the days when their expense allowances were a licence to print money, while lobbyists are finding ever more difficult to press money into their sweaty little hands without being found out. Its so bad that many find it necessary to take other jobs, sometimes several other jobs, just to make ends meet. Meanwhile the job has become a lot more difficult with "hard decisions and choices" multiplying. You have to pity them as they rob the poor to support their rich mates and are forced to cry crocodile tears in the full glare of the media. Many are so upset by all this thay they believe the only way to relieve the pressure is to give themselves a 32% pay rise. As Andrew Bridgen, Tory MP for North West Leicestershire, declared today in Parliament; "A vast majority of people do not think £65,000 a year salary is a lot of money." Excuse me? Who has he been asking? Those on benefits with any increase of their miserable allowance capped at 1%? Those many millions who labour day-in-day-out on the minimum wage and are now facing cuts to their working tax credits? The terminally ill who have been declared "fit for work" and had their benefits stopped altogether? I doubt it. No, Mr Bridgen has been talking to his fatcat mates, the bankers and corporate executives who earn fortunes for doing practically nothing and get juicy bonuses for being incompetent failures. How much is an MP worth? Whatever he can get apparently.

The Queen's Speech.

A little old lady sat in Parliament today to tell us about austerity with a £1 million hat on her head. Ludicrous and inappropriate at best, it pales into insignificance compared to the twaddle contained in the speech itself. The government has promised to reform the House of Lords, perhaps, maybe. It has promised to tweak employment law so that women can pass their maternity leave to their husbands - useful if you happen to be one of the 15 or so women in the country with a better job than hubby. A new QUANGO (one of six) will be set up to make sure farmers get a better deal from the supermarkets. Oh, and they plan to make it easier for the police to hack into your phone, emails and social networks. Not one word about getting the economy growing again, not one word about rising unemployment or about the double-dip recession. Commentators have said that the speech had no overarching "theme." Yes it did - complacency. After the disastrous local elections David Cameron said "We get it." So what, exactly, did he get? Apparently that the British people have a deepening anxiety about the plight of farmers and are so frightened of terrorists that they want strangers snooping into their private thoughts.