Lid Dems: Whistling In The Dark?

Yesterday it was Nick Clegg who was carefully explaining why the Lib Dems had nothing to do with government in Britain over the last four-and-a-half years even as he sought, at the same time, to crow about his party's "success" as part of the Coalition. Today it was Vince Cable explaining how those nasty Tories are ideological dingbats who have only been kept in check by a courageous Lib Dem party who had absolutely nothing to do with all the unpopular policies they have only apparently supported. The best that can be said about such claims is that the Lib Dem party is in denial, hands in pockets and whistling loudly while staring at the sky. The reality is that the Lib Dems are cynically adopting a cake and eat it approach to politics, pretending that they are a responsible party who only acted irresponsibly because they had no other choice. To say their message is garbled is being kind. Desperate to find a way out of the moral maze they find themselves in all they can do is talk to themselves because no one else is listening. There is no rational explanation for what they have been doing for the last four-and-a-half years and no amount of groveling and apologising can repair the moral damage they've inflicted on themselves and the societal damage they've helped to inflict on the rest of us. They could have stood aside and let the Tories form a minority government, unable to to get through their nastiest policies in the face of an uncertain majority in parliament. Under those circumstances the Tories would not have dared to punish the poor and vulnerable, reward the greedy, selfish and criminal, undermine the NHS or plunder the British economy for their own ends. The vicious nasty policies that the Tories have lashed ordinary people with were only possible because the Lib Dems sold themselves to the highest bidder and no amount of claiming that they have "found their soul again" can undo the damage they have done to Britain. Once you sell your soul to the Devil it remains sold.

Nick Clegg Rewrites History.

Nick Clegg has desperately tried to breath life into his stalled political career by rewriting recent history. Conveniently forgetting that it was his coalition partners, the Tories, who deregulated the banking industry back in the early 1980's, he has claimed that Labour was single-handedly responsible for the world-wide banking collapse in 2008. Apart from the obvious fact that the collapse began in the United States where, as far as this writer knows, Labour was never in power, he has also ignored the total support offered to the finance industry not only by all three political parties in Britain but by all political parties across the world. The problem, which Clegg also ignores, was that the banks were not only utterly reckless they also lied about it. Essentially the entire finance industry was turned into one giant Ponzi scheme by the bankers themselves in a concerted criminal conspiracy and then they tried to hide the truth for as long as possible to avoid the inevitable consequences. Yet you can understand Clegg's dilemma since, in cooperation with that other criminal organisation, the Tories, he has consistently told us all that the perpetrators of this crime are safe and warm in intensive care while the victims, you and me, have been apprehended, tortured and then flung into the prison of austerity. Taking a leaf out of the bankers book Cameron, Osborne and Clegg have pedalled an outrageous lie in order to postpone the inevitable consequences of the bankers crime spree and save their own wealth. Clegg has done nothing more or less than pile a political conspiracy on top of a financial conspiracy for completely selfish reasons. Clegg is a liar and a coward, hiding behind the Nasty party as he blithely helps them punish us for the crimes of their wealthy backers. The man is a scoundrel in every sense of the word and, hopefully, will soon see his less than illustrious political career put out with all the rest of the garbage.

Banks Pocket Billions From Royal Mail Sell Off.

Vince Cable, pictured above with the new £10 stamp, has been defending the obvious scam that he's helped foist off on the British public over the sale of Royal Mail. "This is about more than just the level of proceeds received on day one," he told reporters without explaining what the hell that is supposed to mean. The truth is that shares in Royal Mail were sold for less than a third of their true worth and handed over publicly-owned assets worth at least £10 billion for a measly £3.3 billion. It was certainly the crime of the century - especially for the banks who "advised" the government during the sale. It was they who determined what price that the shares should go for and it was they, having picked up a nice little £17 million fee for their "advice", that greedily gobbled up most of the shares available at the knock-down price. According to the "Guardian" the banks have "strongly denied any of the banks would directly profit from the being allocated shares" since the shares had been "bought to help make money on behalf of clients in the asset management divisions". The fact that these "clients" were mainly hedge funds owned by those same banks is, apparently, neither here nor there. The government, it would seem, has not gone to any great lengths to obscure this obvious fraud but, then again, they don't have to. Such a theft of publicly-owned assets is perfectly legal according to the laws they have framed for their own convenience while the dubious morality of such a thing is hardly of great concern to such an accomplished bunch of crooks, spivs and conmen. As usual, though, it is the British public who will lose and who will lose even more as mail services are cut to the bone, wages for mail workers are slashed and prices climb ever higher to feed the insatiable greed of executives, shareholders and, of course, the banks.

Tories Decide To Kill Yet More Pensioners This Winter.

The country's worst government since - well, forever - has decided that the soaring death rate amongst the elderly poor just isn't soaring enough and has quietly dropped the £20 million Warm Homes scheme to get the numbers up this winter. We asked a Tory spokesperson for a comment but they were all too busy padding out their expense accounts. So we asked a Lib Dem spokesperson instead; "You're lucky that I've finished filling out my expense form for the week," he told us. "As for this crafty, not to say nasty, policy decision I'm a Lib Dem so it's got nothing to do with me or my party. We just follow orders, so we're completely innocent of all charges. Now, it's obviously true that a great many old and useless poor people will die this winter because of this but they don't vote Lib Dem either so it doesn't really matter. We did promise to get a grip on the rising cost of fuel and I think we've delivered on that promise since prices have only risen by a measly 22%. That wouldn't have been possible without us in government you know. In fact I'm so delighted at our fantastic progress in the last three years that I'm confident that voters will flock to put us back into government in 2015. Not the nasty Tories obviously, but we can work with anyone as long as we can keep our nice cushy ministerial jobs. We're practically indispensable as far as I can see."

George Osborne Now Clearly As Insane As Nick Clegg.

Politicians will always bend the truth to suit their purposes - they called such lying by the much milder term "spin". Yesterday, however, Nick Clegg set a new trend by telling porkies that are such whoppers that no one in their right mind would give them any credence whatsoever. His lies were so extreme that he presented himself not as simply a politician trying to fool the public for private gain but as a man suffering from a pathological brain disease that causes extreme delusions. Nothing loath when he thinks he sees a good wheeze, George Osborne has taken a leaf out of Clegg's book and has now made up a story that is so far from the truth that you have to question his sanity. Talking to the Institute of Directors he told them that he was not deliberately inflating the housing bubble, though he plainly is, and that people should "not pretend there's a housing boom" even though that is clearly what we have. In other words Osborne is trying to deny what is plainly visible and telling people they should close their eyes and listen only to his voice. We expect politicians to be liars, we expect them to weave and dodge their way around inconvenient facts, we expect them to put a gloss on things to put themselves in the best light possible. However, what both Clegg and Osborne are doing is so creepy that you have to question whether they are fit for office any longer - if they ever were. These are not simply lies, they are deliberate attempts to deceive for what can only be regarded as criminal purposes. Both men should be sectioned under the Mental Health Act before they harm themselves and, more importantly, before they inflict even more harm on the rest of us.

Vince Cable Spends Entire Day Pretending He's Still Vince Cable.

Vince Cable has had a terrible day today. Should he go to the Lib Dem Conference and confess that he's actually a closet Tory like the rest of his party or denounce Nick Clegg for the two-faced hypocrite that he is? Should he stick to the line that Tory economic policy is a disastrous ideologically-driven load of old self-serving tosh as he did when in opposition, or support austerity for the poor and powerless and keep his nice cushy money-for-old-rope job? It was a moment of supreme political tension, a titanic struggle between self-interest and doing the honourable thing. Should he sit quietly as the leader of his party betrayed everything that the Lib Dems are supposed to stand for or take the rostrum and rouse the party in revolt against an austerity policy that serves only the interests of the greedy, selfish and self-serving Tories. What a dilemma, what a challenge to any man's conscience. In the end, of course, dear old Vince did none of these things. He arrived at the conference one hour late and sat well away from Nick Clegg to signal the strength of his opposition and then voted for every nasty measure the Tories demanded as the price for giving the Lib Dems snout room at the trough. Vince Cable not only betrayed the country and the liberal principles he pretends to believe in, he also betrayed himself. Having spent years building an image of himself as the people's champion and an economic guru, he now stands revealed for what he is - just another confidence trickster on the make, a man for all seasons, a limp rag blowing in the wind. Like Richard III, he can exchange shapes with Proteus for advantages.

Nick Clegg's Shock Discovery.

Nick Clegg is reportedly suffering from shock after discovering that no one in their right mind will ever vote Lib Dem again. We asked Mr.Clegg for his reaction to this astounding news; "I simply don't understand it. I thought that if we ditched everything we pretended to stand for we would at least remain as popular as the Tory party. How can this happen when I've been explaining to everyone this week that the economic recovery we are now enjoying was all because of me? I have single-handedly saved both the Royal Mail and the NHS and, in addition to my many triumphs, I have also got the trains running on time. Now I find that, despite this, 75% of people will not vote Lib Dem no matter what we do while the other 25% simply didn't understand the question. The fact that we haven't polled more than 23% of the electorate in any election since the 1920's is neither here nor there. I thought that after selling the country to the Tories for ministerial cars and an unlimited expense account we would be at least more popular than a banking executive. Where did it all go wrong?" We asked a spokesperson for the party view; "It is difficult to understand. You'd think that a catamite for the Tory party would be more popular wouldn't you? It just goes to show that modern politics is more complicated than wearing a clean shirt and smiling a bit. One of our focus groups has mentioned those "principle" thingies but we can't find anyone in the party who understand what they are exactly. There have been some disquiet about "policy" as well but we don't understand that either. We're Lib Dems and leave things like "policy" to the Tories. We asked them is we could borrow some of their "principles" but they told us that they haven't got any either."

Mystery Rise In Britain's Death Rate.

After three years of austerity in which the poor, disabled, unemployed and elderly have seen their disposable income shrink disastrously there has been a 5% rise in Britain's death rate. In actual figures this represents 23,000 unexpected deaths mainly amongst the elderly poor. What in any third world country would be regarded as genocide is, in Britain, simply described as "mysterious." How could this be? We asked a government spokesman for the Coalition's view; "Well first of all let's get it straight - this has absolutely nothing to do with either austerity or the reform of the NHS. It's a well known fact that austerity prompts people to become far more productive - especially those over 85 years of age. At the same time the reform of the NHS which has led to a cut in the number of nurses, hospitals being forced into bankruptcy, A&E departments being overrun because sick people can't find a doctor with radar and privatisation by stealth has absolutely nothing to do with the rise in the death rate. If you don't believe me just ask Iain Duncan Smith who's beliefs are far more powerful than something as inconsequential as facts. I suspect that many of these people have committed suicide simply to make us look bad. We also believe that some have feigned death to avoid work and claim death benefits. In any event we know for certain that the rise in death rate over the last 18 months is all the fault of the Labour party. Don't forget we're all in this together, though for the poor this often means in it up to the depth of six feet."

National Asset Stolen By Desperate Gang Of Crooks.

Vince Cable, hiding behind his Tory minder Michael Fallon, has announced the sale of British Mail today. We asked Mr.Fallon for his view after Vince Cable told us "Nothing to do with me mate"; "We are very excited by this sale," Mr Fallon told our reporter, "and I think that our plans should be described in full. First and foremost we will pretend to sell shares to the public, even though they own Royal Mail anyway. Think of it as if a burglar steals something from your house and then can legally offer to flog it back to you. Good eh? When this fails spectacularly on account of the public having no money, we can then turn to flogging it off at a knock-down price to our rich foreign mates. They, of course, will establish their business in the Cayman Islands or wherever and then avoid paying tax on the profits they get from putting up prices to ten times their present levels and forcing down the wages of postal workers. And, if after all this, the company still gets into trouble then we can nationalise the debts and get the taxpayer to bail them out. All in all we see this as a good deal." Somewhat concerned by this analysis we asked Mr.Fallon how this could be seen as a good deal for the public; "Public?" Mr.Fallon replied. "Oh, you mean the chumps who pay our wages and provide us with unlimited expense accounts? Who gives a monkey's trunk about them? They're too stupid to even notice when we're ripping them off and some of them will even be persuaded to buy shares in assets they already own. Give 'em a couple of grand in one hand and then take millions off them from the other and they'll be happy. In fact they'll probably erect a statue to me they're that stupid."

The End Of Democracy.

John Adams, the second President of the United States, once observed "Remember, democracy never lasts long. It soon wastes, exhausts and murders itself. There is never a democracy that did not commit suicide." He was probably thinking of the first democracy, ancient Athens, where democracy descended into a spiteful witch-hunt of the "undeserving" within the span of a single generation and culminated with the judicious murder of Socrates. The democracy of the west has done a little better than that and has seen off some very determined enemies along the way. What it can't survive, however, is the enemy within. So who is this enemy exactly? Some dark demonic Machiavelli ruthlessly determined to grab power just for the sake of it? Well, yes - though in a modern developed democracy this is rarely achieved by the simple expedient of seizing power by force. Even Hitler knew that, though he gave it a try in 1923 during the Munich putsch when he reasoned that democracy in Germany was anything but developed. No, democracies are all too often overthrown by those who have the largest stake in it - the electorate. The path to this destruction, as the history of ancient Athens illustrates all too well, lies through the demagogue. The man who twists the truth for his own ends and persuades millions that he is righteous and that, for their own good, they must vote away their rights. Men like David Cameron, George Osborne and Nick Clegg whose coalition provides the necessary democratic veneer for some very anti-democratic policies. The collapse of the world economy in 2008 because of the criminal behaviour of the financial industry was a wake up call. Instead, it has proven to be the means to put us all to sleep. The system did not work except in the interests of a small minority but, when it went bad, it was bailed out by the majority who had gained little advantage from it. How was this confidence trick achieved? By scapegoating, by pointing the finger at the "undeserving", by dividing society into opposing camps whose disunity would allow the criminals who caused it all to get away with it. In this sense we are all Socrates - condemned to a slow agonising death by economic poison to divert attention away from those who are really guilty and have no real interest in you, me or democracy.

Clegg Stifles Debate On The Economy.

Nick Clegg and the other Tories who have hijacked the LibDem party have managed to stifle any debate over the economy at their conference today. The Social Liberal Forum (SLF), a LibDem pressure group that still believes democracy actually exists within their party, were "frustrated" when they were expertly outmanoeuvred by the Tory-inspired Insane Tendency that has all but destroyed them as a political force. Prateek Buch, director of the SLF said; "I cannot understand how a serious party of government can decide, against the democratic will of our members, not to debate the single most important issue that faces our country." We asked Nick Clegg for his explanation; "We cannot discuss the economy in any meaningful sense because Britain no longer actually has one. There is absolutely no point in endlessly talking about something we haven't got a clue about or are prepared to do anything about. People have to realise that in order to create a more equal society we have to get rid of poverty and the quickest way to do that is to get rid of the poor. It is clear that making the poor pay for the criminal activity of bankers is the fairest way to tackle this problem - otherwise rich people will have to pay for it and that would never do. The LibDems didn't get where they are today because of democracy or because they know anything about economics. We got here by lying to the electorate and we must persevere with the strategy that has stood us in such good stead so far. The problem with the economy is not that it is flatlining but that people keep asking awkward questions about it."

Paddy Ashdown Has A Laugh.

Paddy Ashdown premiered his new role as the LibDem's comedy relief today, though he failed to wear the traditional red nose, as he advised his party to prepare for a return to government. "We have a taste of the rewards available to those prepared to tell any lie for votes," he told the LibDem Conference, "and we want more. More power, more money, more privileges and more opportunities to screw ordinary people while we laugh at their stupidity. You can't change a country overnight. You can't deliver on the liberal promise in just one government. It takes time or, as I like to put it, never. We must build a stronger economy in a fairer society, enabling everyone to get on in life, especially our new best friends - the Tories. Only when we have delivered the sort of society in which every millionaire can succeed against all the odds to make even more money and poverty is erradicated by killing off all the poor will we have an equal society." He then went on to tackle the sex scandals that have rocked the party of late. Allegations of inappropriate behaviour towards women, he said, would be "investigated thoroughly and independently and then completely ignored while perverting the course of justice will, from now on, be confined to the floor of the House of Commons."

Nick Clegg Tries His Hand At Politics.

After two-and-a-half years of aimlessly wandering about the corridors of power Nick Clegg has had a brainwave - why not try his hand at politics? Having come to the conclusion that the only way to save his "career" as a "politician" is to actually be a politician, he's decided to come out fighting at the LibDem Party Conference. The first priority was to apologise to the students for getting them to vote for him by deception. Apology made, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry" - job done. The next thing on the agends is "get tough" on the rich who have been let off the hook as far as "austerity" is concerned. Make a statement about taxing the rich, sound tough - job done. Next, explain away the economic disaster visited on the country by allowing the Tories to substitute ideology for common sense reality. "We have avoided an economic catastrophe. We have steadied the ship. Now we must set it sailing." - job done. Finally persuade the party that he's the right man to lead them. "You've got no choice. Dump me and you can all wave goodbye to your seats as the electorate see that even you don't believe my lies. Anyway, we might conceivably get another hung parliament and we can then hitch a ride on Labour's coattails." - job done. It's like watching a man claiming to be a great artist sitting down in his studio and then painting by numbers.

David Ruffley Calls For More Cuts - For Other People.

David Ruffley, another senior Tory MP with a thirty-second memory and an over-inflated sense of his own importance, has criticised Geoarge Osborne for letting the LibDem tail wag the Tory dog. The fact that without the LibDems there wouldn't be a dog to wag anything is completely lost on this Tory dingbat who has called on Osborne to cut even more spending on the "non-productive" (anyone not as rich a an average Tory) and increase spending on prestigious projects that will make Tories feel good about themselves and make their journey times shorter as they whisk by the peasants on their way to do really important things. Agreeing with Boris Johnson that the Tory regime should stop "pussyfooting around" and really flatten to economy once and for all, he told our reporter; "We simply haven't done enough to wreck the economy yet. Without the total destruction of the working class in this country we'll never get the tax cuts we need for rich people like me. If it wasn't for the LibDems putting the brakes on we would have the gas chambers set up to dispose of the useless and crippled in Britain by now. As it is there's far too much namby-pamby "human rights" around and far too little in the way of feudal rights for superior people such as me."

Cameron's Reshuffle To Boost Tory Dingbat Tendency.

The "Telegraph" is reporting today that Cameron will use the forthcoming cabinet reshuffle to strenghthen and reward the insane within the Tory Party. "Heavy hitters" like George Osborne, William Hague and Theresa May are too important to move and too stupid to give them any more responsibility and that gives Cameron little room for manouvre. It is strongly believed, therefore, that Boroness Warsi will lose her job as co-Chairman of the party because she's neither insane nor stupid enough. Close, but no cigar. She will probably be replaced by Chris Grayling, a great fan of both slave labour and kicking people in wheelchairs, or by Michael Fallon the deputy chairman who has the added advantage of being a wealthy nonentity with no known conscience. It is also widely believed that Jeremy Hunt, Rupert Murdoch's pal, will be given a new role without portfolio so no one will know what he's up to, while it is not beyond all possibility that Liam Fox will be snuck back in since he didn't go to prison after all. As a sop to the LibDems for failing to get anything at all out of the coalition it is believed that David Laws, who likes to steal taxpayers money, will be reinstated and given a cabinet job that probably involves stealing even more money. It is difficult to see how Cameron could create a cabinet with even more sociopaths than it has already but he seems willing to give it a go. All the rest of us can do is sit back and watch as this bunch of second-raters, conmen, thieves, pickpockets and serial killers make an even bigger mess of the country than they already have. The only question is, how long before the Olympics "euphoria" becomes a distant memory?

Nick Clegg Eyes Europe As An Escape Tunnel.

Nick Clegg, an idiot of with an outstanding lack of political acumen, is reported to be eyeing up a job as Britain's EU Commissioner as a means to escape the mess he's made of his party over the last two years. While membership of the LibDem party has plummeted by 25% in the last year alone and Nick Clegg has managed to sell out their entire supply of political "principles", he is thinking about his own future career. He is also seeking the means to abandon reform of the House of Lords without losing too much face - a quest that seems doomed to abject failure - and avoid a conflict with his Tory pals that might end in a general election and the decimation of the LibDem Party. While muttering darkly about refusing to support Tory plans to rig the political bounderies, Nick is actually engaged in negotiations with David Cameron for an extra ministry for the LibDems. Having sold the NHS down the river for Lord's reform, he is now preparing to sell that down the river in return for an extra ministerial car. Oh well, Nick, when you sup with the devil you need a long spoon.

Nick Clegg Decides On Electoral Suicide.

Nick Clegg has decided to go on the offensive by going on a tour of Britain and facing down his detractors. The inspiration for this, apparently, is the tour that Franklin D.Roosevelt made of America during his 1936 re-election campaign. Roosevelt's strategy was to take on the rich and powerful enemies he had made; "They are unanimous in their hate for me," he said about the vested interests ranged against him, "and I welcome their hatred." The American people, recognising that he was their champion, rallied to him and re-elected him in a landslide victory. Unfortunately for Nick he is not the people's champion and has allied himself to the very rich and powerful vested ineterests that Roosevelt campaigned against. Nick Clegg, as in so many things, has it completely arse about face and will find that a campaign to explain why he has stood by while the Tories persecute the poor, the vulnerable and the disabled will lack the impact he's hoping for. The truth is that the best thing he can do is shut up, keep his head down and hope that the British electorate forget he's in cahoots with the most rabidly right-wing government this country has seen since the 19th century. Still, watching a politician commit slow suicide in full view of the electorate should make for some interesting television, while Cameron must be absolutely delighted that his faithfull sidekick will be drawing the flak to himself with such selfless imbecility.

Nick Clegg Forgets To Blame Labour.

Nick Clegg appeared on the Andrew Marr show today and seems to have forgotten to bring his usual script with him. Waking up to the public mood which doesn't see why it should pay the banker's bill and face austerity while the rich get away with it scot-free, he actually admitted that the current economic mess was caused by the banks and not by Labour. Frightened that he may have gone too far he couldn't resist saying that Labour only taxed the rich at 40% for most of their tenure in government, though he failed to point out that that was during a period of prosperity when ordinary people were not being asked to bail out the banks. As such it was the same old story - austerity for the poor is necessary while it doesn't apply to the rich becuase they're too important to tax. He was quite relaxed about the protest outside his house, saying only that his children were frightened. The fact that the protestor's children have been frightened and bullied in their own homes by this government didn't seem to register. Which is more than can be said for those sharing the sofa with him. They were "outraged" that ordinary people should target those who, from the safety of a security-cordoned cocoon, make their lives a misery.