The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Saturday, 14 September 2013

Nick Clegg's Shock Discovery.

Nick Clegg is reportedly suffering from shock after discovering that no one in their right mind will ever vote Lib Dem again. We asked Mr.Clegg for his reaction to this astounding news; "I simply don't understand it. I thought that if we ditched everything we pretended to stand for we would at least remain as popular as the Tory party. How can this happen when I've been explaining to everyone this week that the economic recovery we are now enjoying was all because of me? I have single-handedly saved both the Royal Mail and the NHS and, in addition to my many triumphs, I have also got the trains running on time. Now I find that, despite this, 75% of people will not vote Lib Dem no matter what we do while the other 25% simply didn't understand the question. The fact that we haven't polled more than 23% of the electorate in any election since the 1920's is neither here nor there. I thought that after selling the country to the Tories for ministerial cars and an unlimited expense account we would be at least more popular than a banking executive. Where did it all go wrong?" We asked a spokesperson for the party view; "It is difficult to understand. You'd think that a catamite for the Tory party would be more popular wouldn't you? It just goes to show that modern politics is more complicated than wearing a clean shirt and smiling a bit. One of our focus groups has mentioned those "principle" thingies but we can't find anyone in the party who understand what they are exactly. There have been some disquiet about "policy" as well but we don't understand that either. We're Lib Dems and leave things like "policy" to the Tories. We asked them is we could borrow some of their "principles" but they told us that they haven't got any either."

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