The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Wednesday, 11 September 2013

Grant Shapps Defends The Indefensible.

In the wake of a damning United Nations investigation into their bedroom tax, the Tories came out fighting today in the form of Grant Shapps. He is apparently scandalised that the United Nations would have the sheer nerve to look into such a nasty, self-serving and unfair policy since he is a Tory and, as everyone knows, is therefore above considerations of humanity. "The United Nations have no right to do this," he told the BBC, "because we are not Arabs or some other Johnnie Foreigner. And they sent a Brazilian for Christ's sake. Obviously no South American can be trusted since they share a continent with the Argies. Their representative has constantly referred to our policy as a "tax" when in fact it is nothing of the sort. It is simply withholding benefits from people we don't like and don't vote for us. Nor did the investigator consult with us. It's like us bombing Syria without first consulting with Assad. It's not cricket and puts us in a bad light - something we don't deserve because we haven't finished bullying the working-class scum in this country yet. I shall be writing to the UNited Nations warning them that we will not stand for them investigating us when we breach human rights. We are Tories and therefore reserve the right to be as nasty, vicious, greedy and unfair as we can get away with."

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