The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Monday, 2 September 2013

How Football Has Stopped Human Evolution.

Biologists working at the Department of Human Cognition at Oxford University have made a landmark discovery in terms of human evolution. A spokesman for the university told our reporter; "After extensive experiments with chickens we have come to the conclusion that playing and watching football, or soccer as the Americans amusingly call it, actually arrests the evolutionary process. We were so shocked by the findings that we repeated the experiment with human volunteers and were even more shocked when that experiment reduced PhD students to bumbling idiots." We asked the spokesman how these findings have been reflected in the real world. "Perhaps the best example is the recent transfer of Gareth Bale from Tottenham Hotspur to Real Madrid for a record £85,000,000 and for a record weekly wage of £300,000. This in a country where 50% of 18-24 year-olds are out of work and the average wage is 17% below the European average. Even in Britain he will earn every day more than most people earn in two years. This is not only clearly insane but demonstrates that, when it comes to football, normal human critical thinking no longer functions. Real Madrid fans are actually excited by this obscene transfer and have been filmed chanting his name and drooling into their beer as they do so. While football seems to prevent the normal functioning of the human brain amongst fans we have found that it also hyper-stimulates the Greed gland in those directly associated with this otherwise mindless pastime. Its all very worrying." We asked if the same thing can be seen with other sports; "To a certain extent. However watching cricket seems to be relatively safe since all it does is put people to sleep."

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