The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Tuesday, 3 September 2013

Cameron Pledges Help To Anyone As Long As They're Not British.

While United Nations investigators are considering whether the Tories have breached the UN Charter with their bedroom tax, David Cameron has been trying out his new impression of Mother Theresa of Calcutta. "Britain, as ever," he told the BBC with a straight face, "is a world leader in helping those who need help and the people of Syria are right up there at the front of that right now." We asked the PM why his charity does not extend itself to his fellow countrymen. "The suffering of the Syrian people offers me the opportunity to demonstrate my credentials as a statesman on the world stage. The suffering of the British people, on the other hand, offers me an opportunity to pay less tax. If Parliament won't allow me to bomb the Syrians then throwing £320 million of taxpayers money at them might just salvage my reputation and that, I'm sure you'll agree, is the most important thing. It has the added advantages of not being my money, since I don't pay tax, and diverts funds away from such immoral things as supporting idle cripples, the unemployed and sick people at home. This is humanitarian aid and, if I can turn it to my political advantage, then this is justifiable since I am human too. Not human like the working class scum of this country you understand, but human in a superior Tory sort of way."

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