Government Fading From Sight.

Alarm bells are ringing in Westminster as the Coalition Government becomes ever more invisible and fades into the background. The trend was first noticed when Michael Gove appeared on the BBC and all viewers could see was an empty suit. Then IDS became invisible as he tried to defend himself against accusations that he's a brainless idiot who lacks any moral compass whatsoever. Now David Cameron himself is beginning to fade away in the wake of his self-inflicted debacle over Syria. In every case the so-called Ministers involved have tried their level best to pretend that none of this has anything to do with them. All of them, after making complete arses of themselves because they are inept and utterly brainless, have sought to blame the last Labour government and pretend that the have no recollection of what they've been doing for the last three years. That is actually less surprising than it might first appear since their entire term in office has been spent fantasising about the nasty policies they would like to inflict on the British people for not voting for them. The latest piece of tomfoolery, concerning Cameron, Syria and his amateurish attempt to bounce Parliament into a war, seeks to blame his richly deserved beating on Tony Blair. The reason? Because Cameron tried to copy Blair and failed to pull it off because he's too dumb to walk and chew gum at the same time. All governments eventually discover what the limits of power are, but it is very rare that you find a government finding out what the limits of their collective intelligence is while also discovering how low the bar is set. Evil you can understand from a Tory regime, farce is a relatively new development within the party. The only good news in all this is that this collection of misfits and freaks would be far more dangerous if they actually possessed a brain. Thank God for private education!

Cameron Pledges Help To Anyone As Long As They're Not British.

While United Nations investigators are considering whether the Tories have breached the UN Charter with their bedroom tax, David Cameron has been trying out his new impression of Mother Theresa of Calcutta. "Britain, as ever," he told the BBC with a straight face, "is a world leader in helping those who need help and the people of Syria are right up there at the front of that right now." We asked the PM why his charity does not extend itself to his fellow countrymen. "The suffering of the Syrian people offers me the opportunity to demonstrate my credentials as a statesman on the world stage. The suffering of the British people, on the other hand, offers me an opportunity to pay less tax. If Parliament won't allow me to bomb the Syrians then throwing £320 million of taxpayers money at them might just salvage my reputation and that, I'm sure you'll agree, is the most important thing. It has the added advantages of not being my money, since I don't pay tax, and diverts funds away from such immoral things as supporting idle cripples, the unemployed and sick people at home. This is humanitarian aid and, if I can turn it to my political advantage, then this is justifiable since I am human too. Not human like the working class scum of this country you understand, but human in a superior Tory sort of way."

Boris Johnson Calls For New Syria Vote.

Boris Johnson, pictured above with his latest girlfriend, has called for another Parliamentary vote on military action against Syria. We asked the Mayor why; "Well, we didn't get what we wanted the first time around. The vast majority of the country might not want it and the Labour party might not what want it, but so what? The Tory party has done pretty well so far ignoring public opinion and discounting democracy, so why not carry on regardless? Nick Clegg has said that such a vote is not on the cards but what does he know? We have to consider poor David Cameron in all this. Not only has been exposed as politically inept and unable even to organise a fairly routine vote in Parliament, he's also been made to look like a complete pillock on the world stage. This must and can be reversed in the interests of Britain which, as far as I am concerned, are identical with the interests of the Tory party. The vote has re-established a dangerous idea in British politics that Parliament is sovereign and this must be reversed before the country becomes ungovernable, trade unions take over and we all sink into an abyss in which voting actually means something. At the same time a new vote would re-establish the political principle that, when under fire at home for unpopular policies, launch some cruise missiles at a Middle-Eastern country. All good reasons, I'm sure you'll agree, to start World War III and unleash a nuclear holocaust."

Osborne Compounds Yet Another Error.

George Osborne, the world's most ignorant and least qualified finance minister, has revealed today that he also a political ignoramus. Having reinforced economic failure for three years straight, a record that even the most stupid neoliberal economist would envy, he has now decided to throw his inconsiderable weight behind his leader and declare that Cameron was right to call for a Parliamentary vote on Syria when he did. More evidence that the Syrian government was responsible for the gas attack last week would not, he maintains, have made any difference to the outcome in Parliament. More evidence? Any evidence would have been a miracle since, when the vote was taken, the UN team in Syria had not yet completed its investigations. Essentially what Osborne is saying is that evidence is of no real import as far as he and Cameron are concerned and that they expected Parliament to support them without a shred of it. It was all because, Osborne seems to believe, Parliament was "sceptical of another foreign entanglement". That might well be true, but Parliament would probably have been content to listen to a cogent, well-thought out and fact-based argument in favour of military action. The fact that Osborne and Cameron are simply too stupid to understand this speaks volumes about this pair of dilettante politicians. The Tories deserve this pair of idiots leading them but Britain deserves better than a talentless slapstick comedy duo with a bad repertoire of one-liners.

Coalition Stunned That Democracy Has Survived In Britain After All.

Abraham Lincoln once described one of his generals as "confused and stunned, like a duck hit on the head". His description certainly fits the Coalition government today after they discovered that, despite all their efforts, lies and spin, democracy has managed to survive in Britain after all. Michael Gove was almost incoherent with rage in the House last night as 50 of his fellow coalition MP's refused point blank to do as they were told. Cameron was reduced to blustering that Ed Miliband was siding with Assad and the Russians. Paddy Ashdown was eager to tell anyone who would listen that he was "ashamed" of his country. The BBC was in propaganda overdrive showing film from Syria of a graphic nature that they have never shown before. Despite all of this hype and hot air, however, 89% of the British public still do not support any military action against Syria. They have had enough of watching billions of their tax pounds being poured into military adventures simply to make the Prime Minister of the day feel more important and more presidential. Cameron has sold his "we're skint" line too well. If we can't afford money for the disabled and the vulnerable how come we can afford to bomb Syria? Cameron is now irretrievably damaged - a self-inflicted wound that is a direct result of being out of touch with his own party, Parliament and the British people. He has shown himself to be not only unfeeling and arrogant but stupid as well.

Cameron Reaps The Whirlwind.

David Cameron has been revealed tonight as the most dim witted bungler who ever took up residence in number 10 Downing Street. Having become used to government by decree when it comes to punishing his fellow countrymen for having the sheer cheek to exist, he has been caught with his trousers round his ankles over Syria in an act of sheer hubris. The reason for this is that Cameron has either forgotten or never knew the basic ABC of how politics works in this country. When taking the country to war the nation has to be more or less united. When taking the country to war the Prime Minister must have the confidence and support of Parliament. After three years of dividing the country between the haves and the have not's, after three years of vilifying his fellow countrymen for being idle scroungers, after three years of dividing British society for short-term political gain, he tried to unify the country behind him in the most cack-handed way possible. He tried to bounce Parliament with a breezy presidential move that he's become far too used to and suddenly discovered that it is Parliament and not the Prime Minister that is sovereign. Even 50 members of the Coalition voted against him. Cameron, in other words, got what he richly deserved at last. Yesterday the News In Shorts asked whether this was Cameron's Churchill or Tony Blair moment. It wasn't either, it was his Anthony Eden moment. He is now a spent force, without a shred of credibility and without the confidence of Parliament. He should resign immediately.

Is This Cameron's Churchill Or Tony Blair Moment?

The excitement that Cameron seems to feel about intervening in Syria is palpable. Like many political leaders before him he's beginning to believe that he has some higher purpose beyond torturing his own countrymen. Libya was a "success" so why not Syria? Perhaps God has not only put him into a position where he can do something historically noteworthy but also put the necessary instrument into his hot and sweaty little hand. Churchill is reported to have felt this way with, perhaps, some justification. Tony Blair also felt this way and was willing to tell himself and others any lie to indulge his fantasy. The unfolding situation in the Middle East should, however, be ringing alarm bells in Cameron's head. As Lyndon Baines Johnson said about Viet-Nam; "It's a boot full of warm piss with the instructions written on the heel." There is no "answer" to the Middle East in the same way that there is no "answer" to finding yourself up to your neck in a swamp. It is deeply upsetting to see other people killing each other for no good reason but, as far as the Middle East is concerned, it is their regional hobby. The whole unholy mess is complicated by the presence of Israel there (and who's bright idea was that?), by the oil reserves it contains (perhaps God's greatest practical joke) and by the presence of the world's most insane and closely related religions. And then there is Russia, thoroughly pissed off with the West and spoiling to improve its macho image. All in all a recipe for a slowly unfolding disaster. Maybe Cameron shouldn't be thinking in terms of a Churchill or Tony Blair moment and go back to doing what he does best - going on holiday.

Tories To Use Welfare Savings To Bomb Syria.

The Tories are falling over each other tonight in a mad scramble to recall parliament. Is it because they are aghast at the number of people being forced onto the streets because of their bedroom tax? Is it because the number of people now dependent on charity food banks is getting embarrassing? Is it because of the unexplained rise in the death rate which seems largely confined to the aged poor? Is it to discuss the torture that disabled people are being subject to by ATOS? Is it because wages in Britain are amongst the lowest in Europe? Is it because there is now more economic and social inequality in Britain than there is in Nigeria? No. It is to discuss whether the boys should use their toys to give another Arab nation a jolly good thrashing. Which is not to say that Bashar Hafez al-Assad is not a thoroughly bad egg. He was, after all, educated at Eton where thoroughly bad eggs are ten-a-penny. It is quite likely that he has indeed used chemical weapons against his own people and thoroughly deserves whatever thrashing he's got coming. The question is, why us? If any thrashing should be meted out shouldn't it be done by those nations that can actually afford it? Perhaps Switzerland or Luxembourg could do the job since they're so rich they don't need to pay tax. Perhaps the banking industry could stump up the money - we certainly stumped up enough for them when they needed it. One thing is certain - Britain cannot afford yet another costly military adventure in the Middle East. Certainly not with the social and economic catastrophe the Tories are continually telling us we're facing. And certainly not when the victors in Syria - whoever they might be - will simply turn on us when they've stopped killing each other.

Cameron Wins in Libya.

A triumphant David Cameron has returned to Britain this weekend after personally leading the Libyan insurgents in their liberation of their country. "I am normally of very modest man," Cameron told reporters, "but I ma happy to report that my victory in Libya is on a par with the defeat of Hannibal by Scipio Africanus. Libya hasn't seen the like of my genius since Erwin Rommel swept through the country seventy years ago! I'm so wonderful that I firmly believe I must now sweep to victory if a general elction is ever held in Britain again." Asked how he was able to win such a stunning military victory the Prime Minister added. "I used my ever-expanding military assets in the most cost-efficient way possible and bombed the crap out of anything that moved. Our fleet of aircraft carriers were my most valuable asset and some of the pilots were quite useful too." Asked how he will fight such wars in the future Cameron said. "Next time I will use private enterprise battalions on the ground and follow this up with a devastating ideological blitzkreig consisting of a lecture about the value of volunteering." The Syrian leader is rumoured to be quaking in his boots.