The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Sunday, 15 September 2013

Nick Clegg Defends His Record In Government.

Nick Clegg came out of hiding today to tell the BBC about his plans to betray the country once again after the next election. After telling us that we quite liked coalition government despite all the evidence to the contrary, he defended all the policies that he failed to get past his Tory pals and claimed that any future Labour government would "wreck the current economic recovery for the rich". Britain, he confidently asserted, would not give either Labour or the Tories an overall majority at the next general election and he would make absolutely sure that we would all benefit from another five years of Tory government. "We must finish our work of killing of the unemployed, useless cripples and poor people," he told the BBC. "I have become very comfortable here in cloud-cuckoo-land," he added, "and would like to extend my term in a cushy job that pays well, gives me unlimited expenses and doesn't demand much in the way of effort. If everyone in Britain got off their idle arses and got themselves a job like mine just think how happy they would be. That is the trouble with this country. If we all became as vicious, self-serving and greedy as my Tory mates we'd all be much better off." Meanwhile Clegg's party, delighted by his divorce from reality, were busy distancing themselves from both him and the Tories as 90% of the party expressed their wish to get as far away from the Tories as they can. A Lib Dem spokesperson told our reporter; "We are gratified that our leader is so complacent and we wish him well after his retirement from politics three years ago. We have found the experience of being emasculated by the Tories very exhilarating but feel that we shouldn't repeat the experience anytime soon. We are now looking forward to Labour reversing all the welfare reforms before we too find ourselves out of work."

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