The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Sunday, 22 September 2013

Tories Decide To Kill Yet More Pensioners This Winter.

The country's worst government since - well, forever - has decided that the soaring death rate amongst the elderly poor just isn't soaring enough and has quietly dropped the £20 million Warm Homes scheme to get the numbers up this winter. We asked a Tory spokesperson for a comment but they were all too busy padding out their expense accounts. So we asked a Lib Dem spokesperson instead; "You're lucky that I've finished filling out my expense form for the week," he told us. "As for this crafty, not to say nasty, policy decision I'm a Lib Dem so it's got nothing to do with me or my party. We just follow orders, so we're completely innocent of all charges. Now, it's obviously true that a great many old and useless poor people will die this winter because of this but they don't vote Lib Dem either so it doesn't really matter. We did promise to get a grip on the rising cost of fuel and I think we've delivered on that promise since prices have only risen by a measly 22%. That wouldn't have been possible without us in government you know. In fact I'm so delighted at our fantastic progress in the last three years that I'm confident that voters will flock to put us back into government in 2015. Not the nasty Tories obviously, but we can work with anyone as long as we can keep our nice cushy ministerial jobs. We're practically indispensable as far as I can see."

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