The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Wednesday, 10 July 2013

National Asset Stolen By Desperate Gang Of Crooks.

Vince Cable, hiding behind his Tory minder Michael Fallon, has announced the sale of British Mail today. We asked Mr.Fallon for his view after Vince Cable told us "Nothing to do with me mate"; "We are very excited by this sale," Mr Fallon told our reporter, "and I think that our plans should be described in full. First and foremost we will pretend to sell shares to the public, even though they own Royal Mail anyway. Think of it as if a burglar steals something from your house and then can legally offer to flog it back to you. Good eh? When this fails spectacularly on account of the public having no money, we can then turn to flogging it off at a knock-down price to our rich foreign mates. They, of course, will establish their business in the Cayman Islands or wherever and then avoid paying tax on the profits they get from putting up prices to ten times their present levels and forcing down the wages of postal workers. And, if after all this, the company still gets into trouble then we can nationalise the debts and get the taxpayer to bail them out. All in all we see this as a good deal." Somewhat concerned by this analysis we asked Mr.Fallon how this could be seen as a good deal for the public; "Public?" Mr.Fallon replied. "Oh, you mean the chumps who pay our wages and provide us with unlimited expense accounts? Who gives a monkey's trunk about them? They're too stupid to even notice when we're ripping them off and some of them will even be persuaded to buy shares in assets they already own. Give 'em a couple of grand in one hand and then take millions off them from the other and they'll be happy. In fact they'll probably erect a statue to me they're that stupid."

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